to say no to taking a friends son to school two days a week?

[carocaro]

DS2 starts school in Sept, one his friends also starts and his parents both work (I will work from home) and have asked if I can take him to school two days a week so they can get to work. Reason being the see it a waste to pay for before school club as they would drop him with me at 8.20 and we leave at 8.35. I will get a weekly bottle of wine for this apparently.

I just think two days a week is too much, I don't mind one day (have older DS to take to school as well). Also what about car seats, three won't fit in the back and I don't want DS1 to sit in the front (he's10 and can't anyway can he?). PLus all the faff of getting them in and out; will the get another seat or have to pick the one I use up everyday?

I just don't feel happy about it, just because I am always going to be going. How can I explain this to them?

AIBU?

The 10yo can sit in the front.

A booster is about £10 so would ask the parents to provide you another which will also be useful when your DS had playdates.

TBH this would be fine for me, a friend of mine did it for a while with a friend of ours.

However as someone who has to pay for wraparound care and would also need only the same time as your friend in the mornings but 5 days a week I don't see why she couldn't/shouldn't pay iyswim?

I would do this as a one off, I would not do it as a regular arrangement.

Big Society seems to me about getting people to work for free.

I've been a child minder and it really does alter the dynamic of the house when you have someone else's child in the mix, even when that child is adorable.

On the face of it what they asking is not that big a deal, because in their minds you are going to school anyway. They probably haven't even thought about potential problems. The subtext of this though, is that they are getting the benefits of going to work and palming off their child care onto you. They are not paying you, as they would a CM, so they are in effect saying that because you are at home, you might as well take care of their child. That your time isn't valuable and that it is okay to inconvenience you.

The thing is you chose to be a SAHM (or work from home mum) for the benefit of your DC, not to provide free child care for people who want the benefits of work but don't want to pay for child care.

These people are not your close friends, and it's a bit cheeky to ask this of someone whose only connection to them is that their child friendly with yours.

"PLus all the faff of getting them in and out; will the get another seat or have to pick the one I use up everyday?
I just don't feel happy about it, just because I am always going to be going. How can I explain this to them?"

Oh dear, tough one. Morally, and from a sense of wanting to help, the instinct is to say 'of course, not a problem'. And it could work so easily, child arrives, you pop him into the car, arrive at school, out of the car and into the play ground.

But it so easily would NOT easy. Mother will be late/too early (more likely). Child will want to come into house and play, cue bedlam trying to coral them into coats/car etc. Putting double the clobber into the car. Getting there (and managing the squabbles enroute). Out of the car - potential disaster hand-holding two small children/shutting door/crossing roads/carrying a myriad of kit.

Sadly, YANBU. Simlpy say it wont work for you and your family - end of.

Community is all very well - but some folk are piss takers who are happy to live their lives at the expense and inconvenience of others. Often at the expense of kind hearted folk who are much worse off financially than them ime.

I think you should by all means do favours for others - but not indescriminately. If someone is fully capable of reciprocating and chooses not to then why would you continually do them favours?

Haven't read all the replies but I would do it without hesitation. I don't understand why it's such a problem. It's a big favour, sure but it's not costing you any extra nor is it putting you out in any way, really.

It's nice to do something for someone if you can - good karma and good for the soul!

I wouldnt do it! Speaking from experience.

When my DD was at primary school an occasional group girls night out buddy asked me if i would mind her daughter (same class as DD) for 2 hours after school 3 nights a week for 4 months as she would be at work late those days. i think she was paying me £10 per eve.

Our DDs got on well at school and i thought 'why not, girls can play together, im going up to the school and home again with mine anyway, give her a glass of milk and a biccy and she'll watch the cartoons with DD - what can go wrong?'

What indeed!? The child was a nightmare. Her manners around the house were awful - taking off her own clothes and chucking them around the house. Going into MY room and going through the drawers and cupboards ect despite me asking her not to, and warning my own DD that behaviour was unacceptable. Asking for drinks and snax i didnt have and sulking when she couldnt have them. Not eating them when i DID buy them. Falling out with my DD and making her cry. Announcing she was bored by my DDs toys and trying to get out through front door when i wasnt looking. Having a tantrum when it was time to go home and taking AGES to find shoes/coat whatever else shed bought round and chucked about cos she wanted to delay going home. Mucking around in the bathroom squirting shower gel around.....most of this had begun within the first 15 mins! Other peoples kids in your home regulaly will treat it like their own after a while.

My DDs behaviour went down hill because she was seeing this girl getting away with stuff without me dealing out punishment.

Night bloody mare. i hated every min of it. Im too soft and cant handle that kind of thing properly so will steer clear in future.

DD isn't old enough for me to face these dilemmas, but I would only really consider this for a friend. If I didn't know the parents very well, I might offer a trial to see how it goes. I am however quite bolshy when needed and wouldn't have a problem saying it wasn't working out. I think it probably works better when the adults are friends and therefore share a common outlook, and also if there is a reciprocal arrangement of some description.

I wouldn't like asking my SAHM friends to look after DD precisely because I can't really offer a reciprocal deal. An emergency is different and as it's a one-off, I could organise a childcare swap in return so both families benefit. However, both myself and my friends aren't the type to take the mick.

I would not have a problem with doing this at all, I would be happy to help out if I could and would have thought that the parents could give you a seat for their child.

Would you be collecting the child from school as well? I might be ore reluctant to do this as we often arrange things after school i.e. friends round for tea, haircuts, etc and this might make a regular pick up more tricky.

The OP barely knows the woman - she's a friend of her DC's, not her friend. I would think about doing this for a friend, but never for an acquaintance I barely know.

I just can;t understand why this is such a big deal. You're going to school anyway.The child will be dropped off a few minutes before you leave, so you'll all be ready and so will he be. And it's only 2 days a week!

It is not a huge favour. It is making somebody else's life easier and is absolutely no trouble at all.

If you read the posts it's very easy to understand

Wow - I never realised it was such a big deal to help a friend out! I take my friend's dd to and from school two days a week as her cm cannot do school drop off and pick-up as she already does it for another school. In Sept I'll take her ds as well. I'm going anyrate and she's a close friend. It would never occur to me to expect anything in return ... all I know is that if ever I ask her to help me out she would (not that I ever do, I'm a SAHM, I don't ever need childcare. BTW I don't take the car so I walk them all the mile there and back.

However I would say if you're going to resent it then don't do it, at the end of day if they work childcare is their responsibility.

What karmabeliever said. Been there, done that. Give an inch and they will take a mile.

I think it depends on personality types as well.

If you are an anxious person and your dcs are difficult in the mornings then adding another dc to the mix might be overwhelming.

If you are lucky enough to be really relaxed and chilled then it is not a big deal.

These things need to be taken into account.

I often take my friend's dc in the morning and she has had to come in to all sorts of chaos and distress. I am ashamed enough with how it goes sometimes without another child I care about having to bear witness to it too.

seeker The child will be dropped off 15 minutes before the OP needs to leave.

Maybe I'm just much more hideously disorganised in the mornings, but I am NEVER 'all ready' to leave as you put it 15 mins before. I am terrible in the mornings, always battling not to get to school late (am hardly ever late, but I do cut it fine often).

The afternoons are a breeze for me, but the morning school runs I don't enjoy at all, and the last thing I'd want is another DC.

It depends on what type of person the OP is. Easy for your to dismiss her reluctance if you are a morning person with breezy DC.

I also think, as I said before, that the child's age is relevant here. He is 4! he's just starting school! It takes a while to get them into the whole routine and make them understand they can't dawdle about.

Ha, just x-posts with carrots saying a similar thing

Exactly, Carrots. We often have a lot of screaming "loud voices" here in the mornings and I just can't imagine subjecting adding another a child to this.

I had my friend's little boy for two mornings a week before school whilst she could go to work for half a term and it was a bloody nightmare! She's great and a good friend, but he's always been very hard work. He would come in at 8.30 when I'd just about got everyone ready to leave the house, not look at any of us, sling his bag, coat and shoes all over the hall and traipse upstairs to get all the toys he could get his hands on out and spread them all over DS's floor! He would then strop all the way to school about having to carry his own bag; I'd got two kids and was heavily pregnant so was not in the most tolerant of moods!

Whilst it was only 15 minutes before school and then 10 minutes of actually walking to school-by God it felt like hours!

Oh, and a point no one has mentioned -

the OP's second child is starting school in September too

so he's another factor to consider - how he will be going to school

May be the other child is fine, but the OP's ds2 cries every morning and kicks up a fuss about going to school. It will be difficult to manage that, or simply just to get HIM into a routine, when there is another child to look after too

Really would be quite different if the boys were a few years older and used to the routine

If the parent was a close friend then yes I would do it. And if mine was ill I would call and let them know in the morning that you wouldnt be doing the school run.

If the parent isnt a close friend then they are abit cheeky to ask in the first place. So you cannot help them out as you will need to be registered as a childminder and would have to change your insurance.

I can't believe how uncharitable a lot of people on here are

The child is being DELIVERED to the OP's home 15 mins before they leave for school, she won't have to worry about picking him up or anything like that.

Yes of course you can put a 10 year old in the front seat. ONE extra child to strap in is hardly a big deal.

And the 'what happens if her child is ill' card is a terrible excuse. Most children are not ill enough to be off school that often. And if it happens and the OP is not going that day then this mother will just have to make her own arrangement that day. It's not rocket science.

You know...it's no wonder there is so much school traffic on the roads if we are all so reluctant to share lifts. When did we become so insular and precious about only worrying about our own children?

FGS, do the poor woman a favour - you never know when you might need a favour from her in the future.

We (well dh) take a friend of dd's to school most mornings. It's no trouble at all. But she is 10 and a very easy and agreeable child that we know very well. Plus her parents are friends of ours and have done us favours too. She either arrives in time to be taken to school or she doesn't.

But a couple of years ago the two siblings from across the street decided they'd like lifts (it is only a 10 min walk to school) and it was a nuisance and in the end we had to ask them not to come with us anymore. It just made life stressful, and I was often late as a result (I took them on my way to work).

So I think whether giving lifts is a big deal or not depends on the circumstances. I don't think it would be ideal when both children are getting used to school for the first time though.