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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to taking a friends son to school two days a week?

287 replies

carocaro · 01/07/2011 10:10

DS2 starts school in Sept, one his friends also starts and his parents both work (I will work from home) and have asked if I can take him to school two days a week so they can get to work. Reason being the see it a waste to pay for before school club as they would drop him with me at 8.20 and we leave at 8.35. I will get a weekly bottle of wine for this apparently.

I just think two days a week is too much, I don't mind one day (have older DS to take to school as well). Also what about car seats, three won't fit in the back and I don't want DS1 to sit in the front (he's10 and can't anyway can he?). PLus all the faff of getting them in and out; will the get another seat or have to pick the one I use up everyday?

I just don't feel happy about it, just because I am always going to be going. How can I explain this to them?

AIBU?

OP posts:
PrettyMeerkat · 02/07/2011 16:14

there is ALWAYS one or two kids that scream blue muder

Absolutely!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/07/2011 16:26

I understand where you're coming from, OP, I agree with you. A favour is one thing, when it becomes a regular and expected occurrence, it quickly ceases being a favour and can become something that is onerous and forced.

I'd be honest with your neighbour; tell them how you feel about it and tell them that you don't want your friendship spoiled or that of your DS and her child. She can make her own arrangements, just as you would have to do.

amicissima · 02/07/2011 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Clockchange · 02/07/2011 17:13

I've experienced exactly the same as you, AMICISSAMA! A few years back my friend had to work early shifts for a few weeks so I took her 7 year old daughter to school and back every day. I'd previously thought what a nice child she was but my view of her soon changed. Every single day these issues cropped up -

On the 15 mins walk to school she'd deliberately hide behind bins, trees, anything. She'd run down alleyways, pretend to be stuck on a cluster of branches and insist I help her down, and sometimes we'd get to school and she'd just run back all across school field so I'd have to backtrack and persuade her to come back, another 5 mins gone!

My ds was only a toddler, so I had him in the pushchair and just COULDN'T run fast enough to catch her, I was as stressed as anything by the end of that fortnight and it wasn't fair on my own dd, same year group as this girl.

Every day her mum would ask how she'd been and I'd be "Well, she did run off
and hide but we made it to school!" She'd just say "Oh dd stop giving Clockchange the runaround!" Didn't make any difference though, I should have been more honest and admit she'd been an absolute pain!!

PrettyMeerkat · 02/07/2011 17:14

You can just say that you are not good in the mornings and don't need the extra stress and responsibility. You don't have to go into any more detail then that.

Dancergirl · 02/07/2011 20:50

Turn-taking??! FFS

Do you never do something nice for someone without expecting something in return? That's just mean and petty.

Maybe they're hard up and would struggle to pay for before school club? The OP is going anyway, it's really not such a big deal to take one extra child a couple of mornings a week.

And this other woman is also a mother - she understands that children are ill sometimes, sometimes last minute. I'm sure she doesn't expect the OP to do this if her own children are ill - she'll just have to make her own arrangments that day.

hugeleyoutnumbered · 02/07/2011 20:54

YABU

donnie · 02/07/2011 20:57

I absolutely would not do this. You will end up resenting them and wishing you had not agreed to it, believe me.

NO NO NO!!!

lachesis · 02/07/2011 21:03

YANBU.

Say NO and be firm about it.

No apologies and explanations required.

'that doesn't work for me' is spot on.

greycircles · 02/07/2011 21:10

My opinion is that you shouldn't do this.

I understand that we are all parents and it's hard work, financially difficult, knackering etc etc etc but some of us are more willing to shove our responsibilities onto someone else than others. It was a big request (it doesn't seem it, but believe me, when you're doing it, it will be) and to offer a bottle of wine in return for 2 school runs a week is laughable. They need to use the care facility that the school provide.

Some people are just takers and they will take whatever then can get. I can't believe they had the front to ask you this. If you do this, there will be times when you resent it. Additionally, they will probably ask for more favours. I learnt this the (very) hard way. I helped someone out - gave them an inch and they took a mile. I explained it away, continued with good grace and it happened again. Watch out!

girliefriend · 02/07/2011 21:10

Ya def nbu, I would never expect a friend to do this, my dd is my responsibility and it is my responsibility to sort out childcare and as a working mum I expect to pay for this. I would not ask this of someone or agree to do it for someone else. Just say no!!!

PrettyMeerkat · 03/07/2011 09:25

Dancergirl Yes it is a big deal! Especially when you own child is starting school for the first time as is the other child. They may both get upset, they may one or both refuse to go in, they may have problems settling, the OP may have the teacher talking to her EVERY SINGLE DAY about what the other child has done naughty that day and have to remember to pass all the messages on to the other mum. The other child might start behaving like a little shit and be hitting all the other kids in the line to go in! Does she really need to be dealing with that when her own child is just starting school? Twice a week, every week?

I have a million things to do and remember every day just with my own children, another child would push my stress levels over the edge!

Animation · 03/07/2011 09:41

"Do you never do something nice for someone without expecting something in return?"

No, not when it comes to looking after other people's 4 year olds. The general rule is to turn take with this age group!

tinkerbellgotpan · 03/07/2011 09:48

I personally would say no but only because I've done this for a close couple of friends in the past and the children would either be dropped of really early and not have eaten or they'd be dropped of late and I was expected to wait around and make my own children late.
Like others have said as well if one of your own lo's is ill then what do you do?

alegre · 03/07/2011 10:16

I'd just go with how you feel OP. If you're uncomfortable, don't do it - you'll only resent it. Mornings are stressful enough as it is without any extra bodies.

I had an arrangement with one of DS friends and both us mums worked part-time. We'd take chn to school on the days the other worked. It was fine with us. Currently I'm also helping someone out who's husband is away and she has 2 smaller chn to take to a nursery the other side of town so I pick up her dd who goes to same school as my dd (however, this one is only for a few weeks). I don't mind but I can see that others might mind.

You could say you'll try it out, with no guarantees of taking it on, just to see how it goes. Quite frankly, you could say you're not comfortable doing this or you're only willing to do it for one day/week. If I'd asked someone to do this for me, I'd rather they just told me that they couldn't do it than take it on grudgingly. Wouldn't you?

Dancergirl · 03/07/2011 11:27

PrettyMeerkat - don't be ridiculous, a teacher wouldn't talk about a child to another parent, that would be completely unprofessional. If there is anything of note to be reported about the child, it can wait till pick up/the next day/note in book bag/phone call. The OP is not responsible for this stuff, she is just dropping the child off.

And 'little shit'? Nice way to talk about a 4 year old. You're assuming all sort of negative consequences. You know what....there are lots of positive consequences that could come out of this situation: the OP's child and the other child could end up being good friends and enjoy going to school together/the OP and the mother could end up being good friends/the other mother could do the OP a favour when she needs it/the reluctant child may be keener to go into school with a friend.....

I can't believe people think one thing will lead to another just because she's asked a favour. Do you really think so badly of people?

PuppyMonkey · 03/07/2011 11:52

Dancergirl, you're the most sensible person I've ever seen on MN. I think I love you Grin

lachesis · 03/07/2011 11:57

It's not a favour. It's a service people are paid to do, and have to pass CRB checks and tell their auto insurance they are doing.

Except they want it for free.

If you don't want to do it, then don't, OP. You are not obligated. 'That doesn't work for me' is all you need to say.

seeker · 03/07/2011 12:19

Oh, God, did someone call a small child a "little shit" again?

thumbwitch · 03/07/2011 12:44

in a spirit of non-confrontational curiosity, if a small child behaves like a little shit, what do you call him if you don't want to call him a little shit? is there a PC term for it? Or is it not his fault because he's only 4 and doesn't know any better?

Gooseberrybushes · 03/07/2011 12:47

I think everyone is a saint on mn, so wouldn't call them anything.

PrettyMeerkat · 03/07/2011 13:13

seeker No I didn't, I said he may start behaving like one. It was a description of behaviour.

PrettyMeerkat · 03/07/2011 13:34

I was thinking mostly of a boy at my dcs school who is the same age. My dcs like him but he is er . . . difficult! He is brought into school on some days by people helping out so his mum and dad can go to work, just like the OP has been asked.

The problem is that he is extremely badly behaved! He hits, kicks etc and is generally in trouble most days (I hear the teacher reeling off a list every day of the things he has done). Unfortunately the parents just laugh about it and don't take it seriously so I feel sorry for him really as they aren't guiding him it would seem. Sad

Anyway the problem is that before school as they are all queueing up, he often pushes the other kids over or smashes them in the face with his lunch box. As the person who is dropping him off isn't his parent/childminder etc. they don't seem to feel able to do much about it and it pretty much goes ignored!

If the child is challenging in any way it would be a nightmare as you have your own children to think of.

IloveJudgeJudy · 03/07/2011 15:58

My friends and I have done all sorts of reciprocal arrangements in the past, but that's what they were - reciprocal arrangements. There seems to be a big circle of friends that help each other out, in a circle - A helps B who doesn't necessarily help A back, but might help C, who helps D, etc.

The difference is that the OP is not friends with the parents plus the parents want to pay her. If they want to pay her they will not be happy if anything gets in the way of her taking their DS to school.

If I were you, OP, I'd call on them to do a reciprocal favour for you, not pay you petrol money or give you some wine - that way lies grievances on both sides. Plus, I have to say, taking to school is much harder than bringing home, because of the time element.

Chummybud1 · 03/07/2011 16:06

Probably all of this has already been said as I have not read all post but

I don't think it is unreasonable to say no. It can be difficult enough getting your own kids off to school without dealing with another, what if your kids or sick or not going then that leads to probes for you and then, what if your care brakes down and you may have to walk them all, what if your late will you friend be upset if their child is late. This arrangement is fine over short period but long term could be a nightmare.

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