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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to taking a friends son to school two days a week?

287 replies

carocaro · 01/07/2011 10:10

DS2 starts school in Sept, one his friends also starts and his parents both work (I will work from home) and have asked if I can take him to school two days a week so they can get to work. Reason being the see it a waste to pay for before school club as they would drop him with me at 8.20 and we leave at 8.35. I will get a weekly bottle of wine for this apparently.

I just think two days a week is too much, I don't mind one day (have older DS to take to school as well). Also what about car seats, three won't fit in the back and I don't want DS1 to sit in the front (he's10 and can't anyway can he?). PLus all the faff of getting them in and out; will the get another seat or have to pick the one I use up everyday?

I just don't feel happy about it, just because I am always going to be going. How can I explain this to them?

AIBU?

OP posts:
lachesis · 03/07/2011 16:16

'Reason being the see it a waste to pay for before school club as they would drop him with me at 8.20 and we leave at 8.35. I will get a weekly bottle of wine for this apparently.'

This resonates with me. It's a waste for them, so use you on the cheap.

These screams, 'USERS!' to me.

That's why I'd say no. They need to use childcare, they pay for it, same as anyone else. And you get registered as minder and amend your auto insurance to cover such a liability if anything goes wrong, because believe me, if it does, these are types of people who will sue you.

Clockface · 03/07/2011 17:13

I've found reading this thread disheartening. The OP hasn't been back and explained more about her situation, but lots of assumptions have been made along the lines of risk-averse, neediness-averse privatisation and commercialisation of how we relate as community. It seems to be the consensus here that people only feel obligated to those they consider their friends, and that the only basis on which we should help each other is if the other person can reciprocate proportionally. I find that a bit sad really, and don't think it should go unchallenged. In 50 years when we're all old and needing lifts to regular clinics, is there going to be an AIBU thread saying 'My neighbour might need the loo when I am due to pick her up, or she might slip and break her hip, then she'll sue me...?' Or wil we have so forgotten the art of being community by then that it won't even occur to any of us to ask our neigbours for help?

I do speak as someone who has done a lot of looking after other people's dc, and have once said 'sorry, no, I can't do that' when I thought that the dad in question needed to get his act together and take responsibility for his own dc (he had a habit of always asking me and dh to look after them when his dw was working on Saturdays - literally, every time, without any kind of pre-existing arrangement of that sort). So I'm not saying we should always say yes to everything that's asked of us - but I don't like the reasons that people are saying no here.

workedoutforthebest · 03/07/2011 17:27

Sorry OP, I haven't read the full thread. In theory, this arrangement sounds great, but in practise, it's going to be far from it. The fact that you are already feeling a bit resentful, speaks volumes to me. And surely the bottle of wine is going to cost more than if they put their children in school club (here's hoping). Dont' do it, and explain to them that you are going to be in a rush in the morning and don't need the added pressure.

Go with your instict, it's there for a reason. The fact that other people wouldn't mind doing it is neither here nor there...

Gooseberrybushes · 03/07/2011 17:29

The reasons people are saying no have a lot to do with the reason for the asking.

It's not a request to help with a childcare struggle. It's a request to help save money.

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 03/07/2011 18:15

yanbu - don't do it. Don't give reasons as they can be countered - you are under no obligation to make 'excuses'- and leave it at that.
Those who are preening smugly about their own community arrangements are describing reciproal arrangements with people who respect the boundaries. This cheeky pair are not offering to recipocate. An arrangement like this should come from an offer by the OP, not from a request from the other child's parents.
People often irritatingly assume because you work at home it is not real work...

Dancergirl · 03/07/2011 18:36

So what? Who doesn't want to save money?? If there is someone living near you going where you/your child is going why not car share? Look how much we all complain about school traffic.

And expecting a return favour is just really petty......what sort of example is that setting our children that we'll only do something for someone else if we expect something in return?

If we happily help someone out, we WILL get repaid at some point but it will be when we least expect it. Point-scoring is just childish.

lachesis · 03/07/2011 18:41

I agree, I'd not point score and not expect reciprocal childcare. I'd just say no in the first place because they're not friends, they're just trying to use me for a free ride, literally.

It's point scoring to suggest someone's a saint because they don't mind being used. If they want to, good for them. The OP doesn't want to. This doesn't make her a bad person at all.

Sure, nothing wrong with wanting to save money, as long as you're not taking advantage of people by doing so.

Which is what this request is, IMO.

And legally, you might actually be on dodgy ground - check with your council because this isn't a one-off or temporary, but constitutes providing childcare.

lachesis · 03/07/2011 18:42

'Look how much we all complain about school traffic.'

Not everyone does.

Hmm
EssentialFattyAcid · 03/07/2011 18:52

OP has mysteriously disappeared - suggest we all do the same...

Original poster
carocaro · 04/07/2011 09:07

Have not disappeared just been away for the weekend!

There is a huge difference between helping out friends/being part of the community and have someone take the piss so they can save some £.

As I said before I do help out other Mums with one off all over the place eg: last week looked after friends two kids for dinner after school whilst her thrid had a hospital appointment. Plus I took a friends daughter home every night for nearly two weeks after she had her second baby and was recovering from a c-section at the beginning of the year when her DH went bacl to work. So all those saying I am being mean and selfsih EAT YOUR WORDS.

It's the pressumption that because I work from home I am a sitting duck to help with no questions asked. People who work should ensure their children are properly looked after, long term, or else change their jobs, instead of relying on others to provide years of free childcare to make their lives easier. I would never expect anyone to look after my child for free so I can work and earn £, even if it's for 10 minutes a week or 5 days a week.

So I have already told this person in question that I will do it on a trial run and that I will collect her son from her house on our way once a week, it's tough that the Dad works late and wants to sleep (he has the rest of the day to do it) and if she is not ready I will go without them. My eldest has to be in at 8.40am. Instead of the son being dropped off at 8.10 and adding another dimension in sometimes at mad morning.

So thanks all, some are happy to do it some are not, we can all do what we like!

OP posts:
motherinferior · 04/07/2011 09:27

'It's the pressumption that because I work from home I am a sitting duck to help with no questions asked.'

I do think you need to tackle that, if it's the case. I have worked mainly from home ever since my children started school and the other parents have never asked me for help.

Dancergirl · 04/07/2011 09:36

That's fair enough carocaro....but you did post in AIBU, not everyone is going to agree with you!

Chandon · 04/07/2011 09:48

If it is a GOOD fiend, and they asked very nicely without ANY pressure, I'd consider.

However, if they say that you might as well do it as you're going anyway it implies that they feel your inconvenience is less important than theirs.

if there is a breakfast club, why not send DC there?!

I'd be wary of people like this, unless, like I say they are very very good friends.

I take friends' DC to school sports etc regularly, but it is reciprocal and they will take my DC when I am stuck. That works a treat.

I think a one way set-up like your "friend" proposes will lead to resentment.

because it is cheeky.

PorkChopSter · 04/07/2011 09:52

Hang on, are you saying that the dad will be having a lie in while you do his school run? Er, that changes things entirely.

There's a couple of mums at school who work a night shift (nurses) then do the morning school run before they can get to sleep, they are not asking others to look after their DC to save money on Breakfast Club!

ScarletOHaHa · 04/07/2011 09:54

Glad you came back carocaro.

I started working from home in March so that I can sort out my own childcare. Working from home allows me the flexibility to spend time with my DC; the work does net to be dome though. I was working full time until redundancy and in the 4 years my DC has been in private childcare nobody has picked him up or looked after him during the week.

IMO my friends/parents of my DC's friends do assume I am always available to help . One particular family are keen for me help but have made it clear that they are too busy to return the favour.

I agree with you and think you are being very generous with what you have suggested.

Gooseberrybushes · 04/07/2011 09:56

yy the lie in is like Grin you are nuts

no way no how

ScarletOHaHa · 04/07/2011 09:57

Thanks PorkChopSter - just read your post again.

Why can't his DAD take him? I often work until 2am and get up at 6:30am (and don't have time to go back to bed)

Gooseberrybushes · 04/07/2011 09:58

i work nights sometimes and do school drp offs and pick ups

tell him to strap on a pair

iscream · 04/07/2011 10:08

My husband also works until 2 am and 3 am, and he used to drive our son in wintertime. Plus, agreeing puts you in the position of being obligated even if you are not having any children attending due to illness. I'd just say sorry, not a good idea to mix friendship and business. It may not be business exactly, but that is the best word I could think of. Hope you can get out of that one day a week.

thumbwitch · 04/07/2011 10:15

Glad you came back, Caro - and think you are being very kind under the circumstances! Lazy get of a Dad - lots of people work late/night shifts and still do the school run. Angry
How many strikes do they get before they're out? 1? 2? I wouldn't go beyond that. But then, if they're not ready, you'll not be waiting for the DS so fair enough - they'll learn sharpish.

Hope it works out for you.

hester · 04/07/2011 10:17

Oh, no that does annoy me - being expected to inconvenience myself for a friend because they can't inconvenience their husband. I once gave a friend money to help fund her through college - and then found out that her dh had spent the money on a drumkit Angry

purits · 04/07/2011 10:18

Glad you came back to explain it all, carocaro. Well done for being assertive and re-arranging it to suit you not them.

I have had a little re-think about this and think that it might be worth having a little chat with her about breakfast club etc. At the moment, she is complaining about the cost and trying to find alternatives. This is great when you have the luxury of choice but what would happen if everyone did the same as her? Then the breakfast club would shut down due to lack of custom and she would be complaining about lack of provision. Perhaps it would be better from their own position as two WOH parents to support the breakfast club, for now and the future.

lachesis · 04/07/2011 11:48

'So I have already told this person in question that I will do it on a trial run and that I will collect her son from her house on our way once a week, it's tough that the Dad works late and wants to sleep (he has the rest of the day to do it) and if she is not ready I will go without them.'

Do it till the end of term since you've already agreed, but then make it very clear that's it. It's not working for you. End of.

If you don't want people take you for a mug then don't be one.

Agreeing at all and trial runs and all that is just giving it out you're willing to be taken advantage of.

They want you to do their school run because he works late and wants to sleep? Proof positive these people are just taking the piss.

pleasekeepcalmandcarryon · 04/07/2011 11:53

YANBU

It would be fine to ask occasionally or in emergencies but I think for a long-term arrangement they should use the proper childcare facilities- the school club/childminder.

IMO these sorts of arrangements lead to resentment and fall outs. Most people have to pay for childcare to be able to work, that's just how it is.

fedupofnamechanging · 04/07/2011 12:48

I'm glad you've arranged it so you will be collecting the child when you are ready and out anyway, rather than having a child dropped off while you are still getting your own household organised. This will stop the parents from dropping the child off too early or making you late because you are waiting for them.

However, I think it is really rude of them to ask this of you, just so the dad can stay in bed. If it does start to be a hassle, please make the lazy git get up and take his own child to school.