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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to taking a friends son to school two days a week?

287 replies

carocaro · 01/07/2011 10:10

DS2 starts school in Sept, one his friends also starts and his parents both work (I will work from home) and have asked if I can take him to school two days a week so they can get to work. Reason being the see it a waste to pay for before school club as they would drop him with me at 8.20 and we leave at 8.35. I will get a weekly bottle of wine for this apparently.

I just think two days a week is too much, I don't mind one day (have older DS to take to school as well). Also what about car seats, three won't fit in the back and I don't want DS1 to sit in the front (he's10 and can't anyway can he?). PLus all the faff of getting them in and out; will the get another seat or have to pick the one I use up everyday?

I just don't feel happy about it, just because I am always going to be going. How can I explain this to them?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Peachy · 01/07/2011 15:19

Some older kids can sit in front, some can't- ds1 is still too short at 11 not to need a booster and rear seat

leeloo1 · 01/07/2011 15:31

Oooh JoySzasz I've been meaning to let you know... We'll be living near you in the US soon, so you can start taking DD to school again. Don't worry I'll drop her off nice and early (6.30am ok?) so she won't be making you late. Thanks again. Wink

Seriously OP I think these 'favours' work best when its reciprocal (so they can see how irritating it is when DC are late/early/ill/miserable/grumpy/rude etc or unequivocal (i.e. a CM who is paid and has a contract to fall back on when things begin to go adrift). You can impose any criteria you like now, but that can easily be forgotten about in a few months time. I'd say no because - if they're dropping the carseat off with the child it'd take me around 10-20 minutes to make sure its fitted in the car safely, which is time I don't have in the morning. Because they're paying you Hmm they'll feel entitled to a service which you resent giving... its not going to end well.

JoySzasz · 01/07/2011 15:34

leeloo1 shame...and just as we are making plans to come back to the UK! Wink

Avantia · 01/07/2011 15:36

If you dont mind doing one day then I dont see what the issue is about your DS sitting in front of car if you are willing to do it one day a week anyway.

If your children are sick then you just phone your friend and say you are not going and it is up to them to get their child to school. If you take up this arrangement then make it clear from the start that is the case then again dont see what the problem is .

The child will be with you for 15 mins - it will take you 15 mins to get all in the car by the time kids faff around Smile

I would say bottle of wine OK _make sure its a decent one - but perhaps she could babysit for you for free every now and again ?

supercal · 01/07/2011 15:51

purits this isn't a car share arrangement though is it?

the giving is all one-way

COMPLETELY different kettle of fish if they were sharing the school runs equally or there was some other childcare favour in return

supercal · 01/07/2011 15:53

And why are people referring to the other MOTHER as returning the favour, when the OP clearly refers to 'them', as in both the parents.

Can't Dads do a night of babysitting too?

ScarletOHaHa · 01/07/2011 15:57

This is not an arrangement between adult friends, and instead the situation is described as the children being reception classmates.

Like the OP I work from home, work long hours and am busy with emails in the morning. I was asked to have a 6 MO baby and wrap around care for the 4YO friend of my son in Sept for one day each week. As a trial I arranged play dates, the whole family came 3 times. The fourth occasion, mum, DC and baby were supposed to come for tea. Hungry Dad turned up expecting dinner at 6:30pm; I though he was collecting familyShock . I have said no. I will still agree to help for real emergencies.

Talk of big society and community is a red herring in this instance. This is not a fair arrangement and the OP gets nothing out of the arrangement. The other parents could offer pick up or similar or else they are taking the advantage.

WesternIsle · 01/07/2011 16:00

Sassybeast but you are saying it as a wonderful helpful community - when it's the community helping you not the other way round. Someone has your children (not costing you anything for approx 15 minutes each time) and you collect their child and drop off so no wasted minutes for you.

Very selfish attitude Sassybeast you like it as you are the one who benefits!

sweetness86 · 01/07/2011 16:05

Its like my friend I have had her son so many times as she works long hours and not once has returned the favour so Im not doing it anymore its all take with some people !

fuzzpig · 01/07/2011 16:19

I don't know if I'd do it or not. But that's irrelevant - you don't want to do it, so don't. As said above, "NO" is a complete sentence - so use it! :)

I agree the big society stuff is a red herring here anyway - this is one couple demanding virtually free childcare just so they can carry on earning money (unless of course it's volunteer work?)

redfairy · 01/07/2011 16:26

This isn't just about a 15 minute job though is it? It's about the care of a reception child - you can't just hoof them out of the car, you would need to get them into class , ensure they've picked up lunchboxes, taken coats off etc...it's about the little chat on the doorstep before Little Jonny is left in your care, and before you know it an hour has past with you doing all the donkey work for all the kids and the parents swanning off to work without a care in the world. I use a school breakfast club and if your school has one so should they whether or not it be for an hour or 15 minutes. And it would cost considerably more than a bottle of wine a week...

ChippyMinton · 01/07/2011 16:29

YANBU

It will grow and grow and you will get nothing in return expect a big festering pile of resentment.

You'll find that child being dropped off earlier and earlier, having had no breakfast, parents will suddenly have a 'early meeting', or overslept or need you to help on a third day, pick up after school etc etc

Helping friends out in an emergency/holiday cover etc is fine, but a regular arrangement to save other people money is not on.

fallon8 · 01/07/2011 16:32

You never know, you mat need help yourself one day,why not try it and see how it goes? maybe the kids wont like it? Do you have to drive or can you walk? Its only 10 mins,after all.

usualsuspect · 01/07/2011 16:37

I would do it ,but then I always try and help people out if I can

ledkr · 01/07/2011 16:46

god thats a hard one,i wouldnt want to really due to the commitment,you could point out that as its only a casual arrangement you will reserve the right to pull out any time you like eg,sickness holiday or someone lese taking them. I like to pay for my childcare,in my experience it doesnt work with friends.

JamieAgain · 01/07/2011 16:56

I don't think it's that big an ask, but if it does depend a lot on what the children are like together. If you feel it's too big an ask for you then don't agree to do it. Or agree to try it out and see how you feel then.

You said you are stressed and disorganised in the morning - maybe this would force you to become less so - I know that since I started work, morning drop off has become more organised and better - sometimes an extra incentive helps.

Of course a 10 year old can sit in the front seat.

JamieAgain · 01/07/2011 16:57

They should also have offered to pay you, IMO. Although maybe they didn't because they didn't want to risk not offering a fair rate

ThisIsJustASagaNow · 01/07/2011 17:02

They are looking for a nice easy cheap solution that suits them and decided you're it for the cost af a bottle of plonk. They are trying it on.

Sassybeast · 01/07/2011 17:03

Westernisle - is that a lemon I see stuck between your teeth Wink I could list all of the other 'mutually' helpful things that my friends and I do for each other with regards childcare, babysitting, emergency cover for sickness, premature labour and ill parents but I'd worry about it making you feel like a social outcast. It's a shame when you haven't got friends you can rely on and who can rely on you - perhaps you should join a club or something....

seeker · 01/07/2011 17:05
Bast · 01/07/2011 17:07

I'd do it. I'm going anyway. I'd be truly offended by the offer of wine, personally.

It implies a society where we have to buy kindness.

Grim.

JamieAgain · 01/07/2011 17:07

I wonder if the other parents will realise that breakfast club twice a week is not such a bad idea once he has been at school for a while. Maybe they just can't imagine it at the moment

Mizza76 · 01/07/2011 17:18

Of course you should do it. I take two of my neighbours' kids every single day. They come to us 15 minutes early and watch tv while we finish getting ready. Then we all get into the car and drive to school. It takes us all of an extra five seconds to get them into the car. The extra booster seat is always there, I'm not really sure why you think you would have to mess around with it each morning (Reception kids can sit on booster seats). I have provided my neighbour with a list of dates when I definitely can't take them and if we were ever unable to do it at short notice, that's their problem.

Last term, when I was working and my neighbour wasn't, she did the same favour for me with school pick-ups. I always felt terribly guilty that I couldn't reciprocate. This term I'm not working and I can. Your neighbour will also find a way to return the favour to you some day, in some way, that's how community works.

fairydoll · 01/07/2011 17:22

You only have to b registered as a cm if you look after a child for more than 2 hours per day.
Don't do it.You are resenting it already before you even start, and it isn't going to get any better!

forehead · 01/07/2011 17:34

Both of them work fgs, they should use the Breakfast club.

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