to say no to taking a friends son to school two days a week?

[carocaro]

DS2 starts school in Sept, one his friends also starts and his parents both work (I will work from home) and have asked if I can take him to school two days a week so they can get to work. Reason being the see it a waste to pay for before school club as they would drop him with me at 8.20 and we leave at 8.35. I will get a weekly bottle of wine for this apparently.

I just think two days a week is too much, I don't mind one day (have older DS to take to school as well). Also what about car seats, three won't fit in the back and I don't want DS1 to sit in the front (he's10 and can't anyway can he?). PLus all the faff of getting them in and out; will the get another seat or have to pick the one I use up everyday?

I just don't feel happy about it, just because I am always going to be going. How can I explain this to them?

AIBU?

[TotemPole]

If the OP has a partnet, even if they provide the car seat, the OP will still have a faff on returning the car to a family car for the rest of the week.

[LineRunner]

Sounds like a pain in the arse to me. They asked; the answer is no, sorry, this just wouldn't work for me. There is a breakfast club they can use, after all.

I tried something similar with a friend once, with her doing the taking to school. I think it lasted 3 weeks. These are all the things that went wrong:

Her DC was sick;
My DC was sick and then I had to phone her say DC wasn't coming but she didn't pick up the phone or check messages because things were so hectic in her house and so she waited for my DC not to arrive and her DC was late for school;
She said she's like a tenner a week but I kept forgetting to give it to her;
We were never more than a couple of minutes late on other days, but this really pissed her off;
One day she was sick and I had to do the 'run', on foot, in the pissing rain, and was late for work anyway.

As I say, 3 weeks.....

[shakey1500]

I think YAB a bit U. It will really help them out, you're going that way anyway. As others have said, cover all the eventualities for when you may not be able to do it for whatever reason (illness et al) so everyone knows where they stand. And they provide the booster.

You never know, you may need their help sometime and you'll already have favours in the bag

[SoloAgainItSeems]

I would do it if I was asked. In fact, I offered to do it for a friend at the school whilst she went to work two days a week, but she ended up getting her Mum to traipse miles across town to do it (and complains about her Mum often too!!!) instead.
I think you would have to say right at the start though: 'I will not bring your Ds home so please don't ask me to unless you've been run over. please ensure your Ds has breakfast before you bring him over and also provide a car seat for him...I also would prefer a contribution towards my petrol costs than a bottle of wine' though I think that's a bit mad tbf. :)

[ruddynorah]

It'll only be a little booster seat. Shove it in the boot when not in use.

[8Ace]

i'm glad my friends aren't like you lot..geez..whatever happened to helping people out. Where I live me and my neighbours do this all the time for each other. For FREE.

Its called being a good friend and neighbour. You are going to the school anyway. Surely a 10 year old doesn't need a car seat thats just a lame excuse.

[fgaaagh]

YANBU.

You don't want the extra hassle it causes; you don't have to justify your decision. The parents of this child have the responsibilities of arranging appropriate transport for their child, not you.

ShatnersBassoon, I fundamentally disagree with your post. You make it sound like there are only trivial practical issues to get over, when my experience is that these little practical considerations are anything but.

I haven't shared lift duties with another parent, but I did lift share with a colleague for a while. There were quite a few co-ordination issues which both sides had underestimated, and I can see the same thing happening in this setup.

e.g. what happens when one child is ill? Will OP be the bad person for refusing to take their child in when one of hers is off?

What happens if this child is late or causes a fuss / extra time wasting in the morning? Typically DH takes ours but anything that can cause more delays isn't welcome!

What happens if the car is in for repairs, will OP have to arrange alternative transport for this other couple's child, not just her own?

What happens if the "free bottle of wine" gets forgotten about one week? Wouldn't petrol money be much useful - and good luck with that conversation where you're having to chase them for it and then you're the one being unreasonable in their eyes.

It's just much, much easier and keeps a friendship cordial if you don't get drawn into situations like these. As one offs or in an emergency, fine. but as a regular, expected favour, I wouldn't do it.

[NearlySpring]

How is it illegal childminding?!? So when my daughters friends come over to play for a few hours I am childminding illegally?!?

Op YABU. You will have your friend's child for 15 mins twice a week. I'm sure if she's a friend she will understand she'll have to make other plans if you or your child is sick or if you're on holiday etc. I would do this for a friend, isn't that what friends are supposed to do for each other?

When dd left nursery for reception one of the mothers there that I had only spoken to once asked me to take her son to school every morning. I was quite shocked. She wanted to drop him to me at 7.45 and we don't leave til 8.35!! When I said no she was really pushy and put out, moaning at how expensive a childminder is and how we only live round the corner from school. I explained that some mornings I work early and my mother drops dd to school and she said "oh, those mornings I could take him straight to your mothers and he can play there with your dd until she takes them both to school" I really couldn't believe the cheek of it and how she didn't seem bothered to have her son left with someone she had never met! (my mother). In the end she got the message and got a childminder.

[LibbyLou123]

Play dates are not the same as having a regular arrangement where you are caring for somebody elses child while they are at work

[grumpypants]

we did this , and had to stop: resentment when the other children were late. bickering in the car. sickness. needing to chat about stuff to my dcs. (worked both ways - we lift shared)

[SpringHeeledJack]

I'm normally the first one to say "ah, go on, how hard can it be?"

but

whereas one offs are fine, regular arrangements are different

I have done similar, in a sparky Pollyanna manna, and quickly (very quickly- not just in one case) found that Liberties Were Taken. Once that happens, you are lumbered. Forever. Ds is in Reception now- don't forget there are 6 more years to go...

[Makeminealarge]

If you knew the parents and child well, i wouldnt see why not.. but i agree a bottle of wine is a slap in the face considering they DO have another option (breakfast club).

However, if you don't the parents too well its a tad more awkward. I mean essentially you are becoming a child-minder for them albeit for a brief period twice a week.

It sounds like you really don't wanna do it, so tell them the extra responsibility doesn't bear well with you, especially god forbid something happened in an emergency.
To me it sounds like they are looking to 'use' you as a convenience rather than an necessity.

[worraliberty]

I had a similar arrangement with a neighbour until she ended up taking the piss.

Her son arrived earlier and earlier until he was knocking at the door before me and the kids were even out of bed.

It wasn't even as though she'd changed her working hours, I'd see her leaving for work about half an hour after her son turned up on my doorstep

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

YANBU. Never commit to an ongoing arrangement. Slightly different but DH got roped into giving a colleague a lift to work and back and it was a bloody nightmare. Impossible to get out of when necessary and they fell out over it, still don't speak. One offs are different.

[Fennel]

It's not that hard to say, Yes this will be fine on days we are going, but IF my children are ill, or IF I have a work meeting, or IF you are late, then I can't do it.
People I share childcare with don't "take liberties". We all make quite an effort to make it work, cos it's in all our interests to have people we can dump our children on in an emergency, or people we can ask to pick our child up from a school visit across town (our school does a lot of this, to save on coach costs, they get parents to drop and pick up, which is a nightmare for working parents).

[zipzap]

I can see why you wouldn't want to - it's the regular tie and if you end up with one of the kids off sick or other people staying or want to be away or do something different - well you can't or feel obliged to stop and sort out their child. or if they are running late and you then end up late or or you want to leave early but can't because you are committed to waiting for them. Or what if the children suddenly fall out and you have to deal with WW3 between them for several weeks?

If your house is anything like ours, those last 15 mins before getting into the car are often the most hectic of the day, trying to chivvy little ones to brush teeth/get shoes on/make sure packed lunches get in the right bags, everybody has everything and that nothing that has already been put out to go disappears before it gets in the car etc etc.

To have somebody coming at that time would throw a real spanner in the works as you would have to stop what you were doing, take child, listen to any handover stuff they wanted you to know about, and potentially settle the child if it was upset or just so he didn't get upset with everyone rushing around him. then you would have to finish doing whatever you were doing, and it is always dangerous when you are interrupted in the middle of doing something, that is when you are most likely to end up not finishing it or getting it wrong.

Plus it is going to take longer to drop off 2 little boys at school as they need longer helping to go in, putting bits away, handing over etc, it's not like a ten yr old that you can just drop at the gate and wave goodbye to.

Maybe offer to take him if they have an emergency but not on a regular basis? Thing is, I know that it is nice for them if they don't have to fork out for a breakfast club and that their ds gets to play with his friend. But unfortunately that is why breakfast club exists - because they do have to be away before school starts and because it is a big imposition for someone else to have to take them.

And a bottle of wine is a bit cheeky - whilst it gets around the embarrassment of discussing money say they drop him off and he is at your house for 15 mins before you go plus it takes 15 mins to get to school and drop him off plus you need to be ready extra early that's well over an hour a week of your time, probably for a bottle that was bought on a 3 for £10 (ok that's a wild supposition ) Wonder if they would want to look after your child at a really busy inconvenient time for an hour for a bottle of wine?

Could you remind them of that legislation that was going to make it illegal for anyone to do any sort of childminding on a regular basis without them being registered etc? There were the policewomen that were done for looking after each other's kids on their days off as they were getting something for it (ie free childcare) even though it wasn't money. Think that then could have led to them realising the legislation was a bit over zealous and was going to be toned down but you could still be worried about it if you needed to be!

Definitely think you need to think of your family here and the extra stress it will cause and say that you are sorry but it's not possible on a regular basis (and remember to not give them any reasons so they don't think that they can 'fix' the reason and then you will be able to do it...)

[pingu2209]

I think the car seat thing and whether your older child can be in the front is an excuse you are giving because in reality you don't want the commitment.

It is irrelevant whether others on here think you are reasonable in not wanting to do it or not. It is purely your decision.

If you don't want the commitment then that is fine, say so to the parents. Explain that you don't always take the children and you share with your husband or other friends and so you can't say yes on their behalf.

[zipzap]

oops. got distracted while answering this, there were only a couple of replies when I started and now there are loads. that will teach me to check before carrying on where I left off instead of cross posting with sooooo many people

[SoupDragon]

I don't think it is at all unreasonable for a friend to ask you to take a chid to school given you are already going there!

if you were genuinely worried about the car seat situation you wouldn't even think one day a week reasonable.

[pingu2209]

Just read Zip Zaps post - she is right about those last 10-15 mins before you leave. It is a nightmare.

Also, my eldest DS sometimes has days out - about once every term - when the school say to bring them in at 8.30 rather than 8.50. What would happen then?

[Lipstickgal]

Well goodness me this is hardly a big deal. 15 mins twice a week when you are already going that way. How mean spirited can you get? Why would you want a petrol contribution when you are already doing the drive? I cringe on your behalf.Wow. Let's hope you never have to ask a friend for help.
Big Society?
Poppicock.

[SoupDragon]

"what if one child is sick?" is a bit of a crap excuse too. For at least the next year you'll still be taking your other child as it is rare that both are I'll at the same time (it's never that convenient!)

[fgaaagh]

SoupDragon that's the attitude I had when I offered to lift share with a colleague. It lasted about 2 months, and by the end of it we were so pissed off with each other it's marred our relationship to this day (neither one of us particularly in the wrong, just him being 5 - 10min late some days whilst I was stood in the pissing rain because I was always 5 min early, car breakdown, and a week holiday/business trips causing extra faff to arrange around).

I don't want to call you naive because it sounds mean, but it's not really a straightforward case of "I don't think it is at all unreasonable for a friend to ask you to take a chid to school given you are already going there!".

it really isn't.

[cjbartlett]

but who wants to speak to people in the mornign that you're not really good friends with during the madness of the school rush

all for a bottle of wine

I think it's cheeky

the rest of us have to pay a cm

[tallulahxhunny]

how is it cheaper to buy a bottle of wine that it is for 2 days breakfast club? surely the wine is dearer?

i wouldnt do it either, as a one-off would be ok but you know it isnt, next thing it will be, oh he hasnt had his brekkie do ya mind?? and as someone says there is another 6 years after this, start as you mean to go on!