Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to taking a friends son to school two days a week?

287 replies

carocaro · 01/07/2011 10:10

DS2 starts school in Sept, one his friends also starts and his parents both work (I will work from home) and have asked if I can take him to school two days a week so they can get to work. Reason being the see it a waste to pay for before school club as they would drop him with me at 8.20 and we leave at 8.35. I will get a weekly bottle of wine for this apparently.

I just think two days a week is too much, I don't mind one day (have older DS to take to school as well). Also what about car seats, three won't fit in the back and I don't want DS1 to sit in the front (he's10 and can't anyway can he?). PLus all the faff of getting them in and out; will the get another seat or have to pick the one I use up everyday?

I just don't feel happy about it, just because I am always going to be going. How can I explain this to them?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Playdohinthewashingmachine · 01/07/2011 11:32

My car manual says they shouldn't go in the front until they are 12 (airbag safety I think).

forkful · 01/07/2011 11:33

Carocaro -it's irrelevant what ANYONE else thinks. You're not comfortable with the idea. Hopefully you can take heart from some if these posts that certainly quite a few think YANBU and there have been a few examples of why this arrangement can go wrong.

Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by the boy's parents. Don't give excuses. State clearly and calmly "No thanks- it's my policy to
keep mornings as simple as possible". The no thanks is turning down the offer of wine. Then use the broken record technique which means stating the same thing.

As an aside - your DC10 can travel in the front with seat booster but for DC it's recommended that you put the seat back as far as possible away from the air bags. The back is safer.

This is nothing like a reciprocal arrangement which helps you with your work.

harrietthespook · 01/07/2011 11:33

I really can't believe people think you are being unreasonable.

This family needs regular, reliable childcare to look after their children before school starts.There is an option to pay for this, and they don't want to. They would rather 'rely' on a friend - whose schedule may change for whatever reason or who might not be available for some other reason- do it for free.

I think this is barking mad actually on their part. Of course they need a dedicated resource to do this who is accountable to them in some way.

I just can't even conceive managing my children's care like this but then mine are quite a bit younger.

It's something I would do for a very good friend who I knew wouldn't mick take. But their whole manner suggests they are the people who well might.

skybluepearl · 01/07/2011 11:47

you could always say you have some reservations as it's a tricky hectic time of the day for you but maybe give it a months trial to see how it goes. That way you can opt out.

thumbwitch · 01/07/2011 12:05

I was going to say what skybluepearl said - if you feel bad about refusing outright, why not say:
look, let's give it a go for a month and see how it works out - and if it's not working, you'll have to find an alternative.

If they don't want to let you have a trial run, they'll make alternative arrangements - and if you try it and it works out ok, at least you get a weekly bottle of wine.

here is the law on children in cars - your 10yo can ride in the front seat but unless he is over 135cm tall, he will need a booster seat.

Numberfour · 01/07/2011 12:18

YANBU to say no. It is a big commitment - bigger than would seem at first.

Just say no!

forkful · 01/07/2011 12:23

No no no trial. No explanations. Any sign of wavering and I sense that the other parents will manipulate the OP.

The other parents need to get him a place at breakfast club.

Carrotsandcelery · 01/07/2011 12:25

I haven't read the whole thread but I would advise that you are sure of the parents' time keeping.

I often do this for a friend and she has made us late for school on several occasions by being late dropping off her dc.

I love this friend and her dc dearly but it does cause a lot of stress when we are all at the door waiting and they are late. It also goes on record and appears on their report card every time they are late.

AnnoyingOrange · 01/07/2011 12:29

I have lift-shared with a friend for the last two years. It has been absolutely fine and neither of us have taken the mickey/ been late etc. Our children are older than Reception age however and can sort themselves out.

But I can see how it might not work with some parents/children

StyleandBooty · 01/07/2011 12:40

I drop and pick up ds's class-mate 5 days a week. Sometimes I give the child tea too, or he sleeps over if his mum is travelling for work. He is a lovely lad, my ds adores the company, it is no trouble.

The mum and I weren't friends particularly before, but we are now.

SoupDragon · 01/07/2011 12:46

fgaaagh, PMSL @ "I don't want to call you naive because it sounds mean, but...". So, you think it sounds mean but you'll do it anyway. LOLOL.

I am not naive. I have three children and have done the whole giving other children a lift to/from school thing. I am well aware how it works. It all hinges on each party being considerate of the other.

SloganLogan · 01/07/2011 12:47

If you don't want to do it, just politely say no. You're not obliged to take this on, and you don't need to give any explanation.

OTheHugeManatee · 01/07/2011 12:51

This YANBUs on this thread sum up perfectly in microcosm why so few people understand or have much interest in Cameron's Big Society idea. I think culturally we've lost the ability to co-operate on anything more than trivial or ad-hoc social matters with anyone outside our immediate family units, and would rather pay for a service than try Sad

lubberlich · 01/07/2011 12:54

Tit for tat tends to work best with this stuff - but you are doing all the titting and she is doing no tatting IYSWIM.

My mum used to take a classmate to school every day so that I could stay at her house twice a week when my mum worked late.
Even with it being a mutually beneficial arrangement it was still a phenomenal pain in the arse at times.

You could of course just be nice and helpful and say yes you don't mind at all. I wouldn't - but then I am a miserable shit.

FairyBasslet · 01/07/2011 13:01

I regularly take to school a child in DS's class who lives along the road from us. His mum is single parent, 3 boys, no car, has health problems. It can feel like an annoyance sometimes to be honest. She texts me in the morning and if DH isn't away and I can take our 7 seater (have three of my own to drop at nursery and school) then I take him. Used to take his older brother too but I've given him a telling off about his behaviour (not on the school run, on another occasion) so I don't think he likes me any more Grin

To be honest, DS says he doesn't particularly like the child in question, says he's one of the naughtier ones in his class (they're 7) but he behaves well with me, though I don't hold back and will tell him off like my own if he does something out of order (which is rare).

I'm not that friendly with the mother but I'm going to school anyway, so it would seem petty not to take another child if I can. I wouldn't dream of taking any payment (but then he knocks at the door and is pretty much straight in the car - there is no time for hanging around - I'm pretty much a taxi service). If I can't take him, he either walks or cycles the mile with his mother or various other blokes who appear and disappear from their house from time to time.

I feel I'm doing a good deed - he's a boy with a slightly troubled background I'd say and I feel any help I can provide is a good thing.

So, I understand your reticence OP. Say no if you're unhappy about the commitment, but otherwise, why not try it for a few weeks and see if the arrangement works out?

FairyBasslet · 01/07/2011 13:03

You've summed it up nicely OTheHugeManatee.

But then I do 'get' the Big Society.

supercal · 01/07/2011 13:03

charliejosh - easy for you to say it's not a lot to ask a friend when you have a cushy number where your friend helps you out. But pray tell, what do YOU do for your friend in return? Would YOU take other children to school on a twice-weekly basis for forevermore in return for a bottle of wine?

I think as you're not keen, you should say no, OP.

Mornings are difficult. You will have two children to get ready. You add a third and they are likely to bicker or get involved in a game before school time then be reluctant to leave ... Plus you'll have to be ready and presentable to receive the extra child 15 mins before leaving.

Like you I work from home and was asked a similar favour (although it was going to be much more work) and I said no, sorry, I'll do it in emergencies but that's it. I find the morning school run v stressful - the afternoon one is different - and what would have helped me was sharing the morning school runs, but that wasn't on offer - the benefit would have been all theirs.

I am all for helping friends out with childcare. I have a lovely local network of friends were we do just that. I've even, on two separate occasions, looked after too-sick-to-go-to-school-but-not-very-sick children for a few hours, while their mothers were at meetings and my children were at school.

But sometimes, people take the piss.

HopeForTheBest · 01/07/2011 13:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on request of its author.

supercal · 01/07/2011 13:06

Also, this is going to be the other child's first year at school, right? So for all you know, he may be reluctant to go and difficult to settle there.

hester · 01/07/2011 13:07

Well, I don't think your friend is cheeky to ask, and in your position I would do it. But that's not important. The thought of doing it is already annoying you - how much more annoying will it be, six months in?

Know yourself and your limits and act accordingly.

supercal · 01/07/2011 13:08

And I think the bottle of wine offer is rather patronising, actually

They should be offering a night's babysitting once a month or cash or at least petrol money

Conundrumish · 01/07/2011 13:10

What sort of wine? Wink

How about:

'I get very nervous driving other people's children in rush hour'

or

'I'd love to help but I'm terrible in the mornings and always seem to be running late'

or

'Oh what a lovely idea - lift sharing. Don't worry about the wine, how about you do the other three mornings and take my lot?'

In my bitter experience, the sort of loose aquaintance who asks for this type of favour doesn't know where to draw the line and will bleed every ounce of generosity out of you. If it were a close and lovely friend, then that would be different.

Conundrumish · 01/07/2011 13:10

Plus, if there are siblings to come, you'll be taking the whole lot of them!

Ephiny · 01/07/2011 13:11

I think it would be a nice thing to do, and shouldn't be too much additional trouble for you - but of course you shouldn't feel obliged if you don't want to.

The bottle of wine seems an odd payment though, if it was me I'd end up with dozens of them stacked up somewhere as there's no way I'd drink a whole bottle every week. And even if I did drink wine regularly, I'd rather choose it myself! Why wouldn't she just give you the money?

seeker · 01/07/2011 13:11

Can't see a problem. If you are ill or not going to school dfor some reason you just text them and they make other arrangements - you don't have to. Find out what time they leave home and text before that time if you can;t do it. Sorted.