to say no to taking a friends son to school two days a week?

[carocaro]

DS2 starts school in Sept, one his friends also starts and his parents both work (I will work from home) and have asked if I can take him to school two days a week so they can get to work. Reason being the see it a waste to pay for before school club as they would drop him with me at 8.20 and we leave at 8.35. I will get a weekly bottle of wine for this apparently.

I just think two days a week is too much, I don't mind one day (have older DS to take to school as well). Also what about car seats, three won't fit in the back and I don't want DS1 to sit in the front (he's10 and can't anyway can he?). PLus all the faff of getting them in and out; will the get another seat or have to pick the one I use up everyday?

I just don't feel happy about it, just because I am always going to be going. How can I explain this to them?

AIBU?

[PrettyMeerkat]

I wouldn't want to do it either. I wouldn't want to be responsible for other people's children so much, I have my own to look after as do you.

[Conundrumish]

OTheHugeManatee 'This YANBUs on this thread sum up perfectly in microcosm why so few people understand or have much interest in Cameron's Big Society idea. I think culturally we've lost the ability to co-operate on anything more than trivial or ad-hoc social matters with anyone outside our immediate family units, and would rather pay for a service than try '

That's a little unfair! This is not a friend of the OP. I think the problem is that there is a certain type of person who does not understand 'give' and 'take' and this sounds like one of them from the ltd details we have.

[supercal]

OTheHugeManatee Don't worry, there are people like the OP's neighbours to save The Big Society. They wouldn't rather pay for a service, they'd rather give the OP the opportunity to help them - they're selfless like that

[cestlavielife]

dont do it.

bottle of win could be £2.99 from lidl!! they taking the p....

mornings waiting for someone to arrive is a nitemare - i wait for my DS pick up and days it works fine is fine - but there are inevitable days when his tranpsort is alte etc and it comepltely mucks up the otehr two gettign tos chool on time.....

the days they late /have a puncture etc.

you will be busy enough with your own DC
what if your Dc is sick or you have an appt for them?


say: you happy to help out in an emergency but they need to make their own arrangements - and if it means two mornings at breakfast club for child well so be it. child will cope. lots do. it relaly isnt your problem to solve.

and breakfast club wont cost much more than (expensive) bottle fo wine.

say you pleased they trust you enough toa sk but sadly you not registerd/insured and while you will do in emergcny you cannot commit to regularly doing this

suggest they use breakfast club (that is what it is for) or look into asking for change in hours at work - msot work places have to consider flexible working patterns eg later starts

[SloganLogan]

OTheHugeManatee every situation is different. Just because someone doesn't want to take on a particular task, doesn't mean they won't volunteer and help others in their community in other ways.

[TimeForAValium]

I give lifts to two different neighbours kids, it drives me nuts tbh. Every bloody morning they're late and I end up seething outside their houses with the engine running.

Don't do it.

[Kewcumber]

Personally I'd do it on a trial basis (the point about new to school and might be reluctant is a good one - who wants to deal with someone elses distressed child at 8.30am) but ditch the wine - say you exchange it for one nights babysitting a month (but then I don't drink...)

[LaydeeLaLa]

We both work full time. I would never approach parents of a child one of my children knows to ask them to do this unless they were a childminder and I was going to pay. I don't even really like asking my friends (let alone parents of other children - big difference) to help when my paid childcare fails; I do try to keep it to true emergencies. I don't think there really is an issue re childminding - it's only a few minutes while you get the car loaded up and everyone ready to leave. When you are looking to return to work you have to budget for childcare unless you really do have a "free" option available.

Not sure from the OP but sounds like the parents have been working already so what childcare arrangements do they have at present while the child is pre-school age? And what about after school? And school holidays? They must have a solution in place, they can't expect to call in favours for wine FGS!

IMO this is fraught with potential issues / arguments / resentment.

[kayah]

I offered dropping off a little boy as it was no trouble at all, In the end he came only 6 or 8 times in 3 weeks, soon after his mum got madfe redundant and was so greatful to us for help we offered that she took both of my kids to school on her way for the rest of the term and then next until she moved away.
I didn't even knew her that well, there was no talk of money or bottles of wine in exchange.
Just a decent thing to do if someone is asking.
I know she wasable to afford a childminder anyway.

[fgaaagh]

OTheHugeManatee

Between looking after my own children, being a wife, being a F/T employee, and being a carer for my parents to enable them some independance / allow them to stay in their own home, doing the housework and keeping on top of the other stuff like bills, I don't have time or the energy to add shedloads of responsibilities to random parents whose offspring our children happen to get along with at the current time.

I'm not going to lump on another set of responsibilities / hassle in a case like this - why would I, when the OP has clearly stated this isn't an emergency, proper care is available (they just think she's cheaper/more convenient), and she doesn't even know the parents very well?

If I'm going to do someone a longterm favour which gives me more stress/hassle in the mornings, I'd rather do it for someone I care about, like taking a detour to drop my own sister's kids off too at their school.

OTheHugeManatee, modern families don't "get" the Big Society idea because most of them have neither the time nor the inclination to volunteer for more duties beyond their existing workload.

The stereotype of the working "manic mum" managing a household, close to a breakdown, isn't there for no reason.

[EssentialFattyAcid]

This needs to be a reciprocal arrangement.
This family needs to do something for you that is of value to you in some way. Maybe this is reciprocal childcare or lifts. Maybe it is direct cash payment or "wine" if this is what you want.
Maybe this is a close friend of yours and you do things for each other all the time.

If you are not getting something that you want from this arrangement it is not going to work imo.

This family have made a big ask of you and you would be quite reasonable to just say no without giving any reason at all - just say that you don't want to. They are asking you to provide transport and childcare for their child - this is not your responsibility. Effectively you would be subsidising their lifestyle choices which you may choose to do but could hardly be expected to do.

[LaydeeLaLa]

Oh and yes yes yes to the "givers" and "takers" of this world!

[cestlavielife]

it would also be a pain eg in winter as he would arrive with coat on etc then ahve to come in , take coat off as warm then get everythign on again....different if he dropped off just as you getting into car. that 15 minutes is more pain than it sounds.

not long enough to come in and do antyhing - too long to be sitting waiitng with outdoor stuff on

and may distract your ds from getting ready...

if he was another more independent 10 yr old then yes but 4-5 yr olds need chivvying along help etc - unless you know for sure he will come in coat and happily sit waiting patiently at doorway / in hall.

surely breakfast club for him is going to be a lot more fun?!

[spudulika]

I'd jump at the chance to do it if they could pay you back with regular babysits of your children.

[chopchopbusybusy]

Don't do it. An occasional favour is fine but regular arrangements can go very wrong.

[WesternIsle]

It can only be financial on their part - as length of day etc, and poor boy stood in the hall for 5/10 minutes where he would be in my house, as we are running from room to room, finding the missing p.e. kit etc, would be no more tiring for him than for them to drop him off at school at 8.20.

I agree with the being around for emergency or for playdates on inset days etc (not every one but occassionally).

Why the fact you work from home any less important than their job?

[pranma]

It really doesnt sound too much to ask especially if they drop him at yours-I'd do it gladly[without the wine].If you have a booster seat your ds can travel in the front-any age can legally with correct child restraint/seat.

[harrietthespook]

BTW this isn't a reading on David Cameron's Big Society 'project.' FFS.

Mick takers have been around for years in various forms!

It's like chosing which friends to go on holiday with. Would you prefer to go with friends who you are confident would pay their share of food and transport w/o you having to ask, keep their kids under control, be genuine easy company?

OR would you pick the ones you had a sneaking suspicion would be looking after number one the whole time at your probably expense?

[StealthPolarBear]

"cjbartlett Fri 01-Jul-11 11:08:52
our breakfast - £6.50 a session

JohnniesBitch Fri 01-Jul-11 11:10:40
breakfast club here is only around £5 a morning

tallulahxhunny Fri 01-Jul-11 11:16:21
our breakfast club is 50p per day or something like that "

Wow, what a variation! Concerned that breakfast club can be about £200 a month though - at the moment it's looking like when DS started school we will actually be paying more for childcare :(

[ThisIsJustASagaNow]

Don't do it! It'll go pear shaped in no time. I think they're being rude to ask and then to tell you what they've decided you'll get out of it - blimmin cheek! Mornings can be manic enough without sorting out another child.

They need to make a regular arrangement that fits in round the choices they've made, and pay for it!

[feckwit]

Well if it were me I would say yes to doing it but make it clear that the child must be with me on time or I will be leaving. I would also state that if your child was ill then it will be up to them to make alternative arrangements just as they will have to if school closes etc.

I'd ask for a cheap booster to keep in your car and a pack -a - mac to keep in the car too.

But then there is very little I wouldn't do if wine was offered.

[harrietthespook]

Agree wine is a good motivator but would want to be sure I wasn't reduced to a conversation running along the lines of: "Where's my fuckingwine?" when the weeks went by and the said half dozen from Majestic failed to appear.

Can you imagine the sort of eye rolling they could do if the arrangement went pear shaped. "Kept demanding drink off us. Terrible shame, totally out of control."

[RottenTiming]

Wouldn't work for me because I'd rather poke hat-pins in my eyes than have a 4 year old report back to his parents on how shouty and cross Mrs Rotten Timing is in the mornings. (I'm not except in those last 10-15mins before we exit the door) without being able to defend myself regarding my kids inability to focus on the task in hand.

If however I worked from home, I'd be a bit more relaxed in the mornings as I wouldn't be having to get myself all office smart and organised too in the run up to leaving the house.

In addition, if I worked from home I would consider a different deal.

I would however be prepared to do 2 drop offs if the friend's parents would do at least one afternoon pick-up as that would mean I'd be able to work for a bit longer that particular afternoon at home and the luxury of having your kids dropped off at your house would be great.

This offer would also be fair as the other child's parents would have to consider how much of a bind it is to be responsible for someone else's child(ren).

May not work for long though if your oldest child is 10 and about to change to secondary school. May also not be an option if the other child is going to be attending afterschool childcare of some sort.

[tiggersreturn]

YANBU.

If she'd described the situation to you, explained that she didn't want her ds ina before school club because it's too long a day and either asked you if you had any ideas of how to resolve this or if you'd offered that would be one thing. If all she is looking for is a cheaper option then why should you be it?

My ds started nursery of his school last sept and both dh and I work FT. I have an after school nanny but the mornings have been really difficult to find a solution for. There is no before school club for nursery and no CMs who do drop offs at his school. School starts at 8.45 but in reality (if they actually open the doors then which often doesn't happen) I'm lucky to get out at 8.55. And of course I start work at 9am a 1 hour journey away. I found a lady on gumtree who does occasional babysitting who was willing to do the school run and we agreed a certain amount of money for it. She has a dd who she brings with who is a year younger than my ds. They get along well. The problem is she now has another job and has become quite unreliable. Two other mothers have offered to take my ds but for both it's either a case of I can drop him there from 8.30 (if he's willing to go) or meet the other on the way and only on days that her dh doesn't take because he cycles and can't manage more than one dc on the back of a bike.

I'm not going around asking all the other mothers to do this as a favour. It is a big deal particularly when they have a few other kids to get out in the morning and I don't see the point in complicating rather tenuous friendships while we still have an alternative (thankfully dh and I both have flexible employers so being a bit late on 1-2 mornings a week is not the end of the world).

So yes sometimes there is no alternative and I know I can't reciprocate with anything except money because I'm the only mother in the class who works FT.

I took parental leave when ds started school and used to do favours for my neighbour who's ds is in the same class and she worked PT and had to get to her job on time. It wasn't great although better when I'd managed to get her ds to understand that even if he was coming to play for 30 mins he couldn't take his shoes off etc and make it really hard for us to get out the house again (he's a much slower child than my ds). She's never reciprocated.

When I'm on maternity leave next school year and the dts are bigger I will also try building up some more reciprocity but I expect to have a FT nanny next time so this won't be an issue for a while.

It's not easy but unless there really is no viable alternative I don't see why you should feel compelled to do it and if that is the case set it up as a formal arrangement.

[sweetness86]

I personally wouldnt want to do it I think you have enough with your own kids and if she isnt even a friend a bit of cheek too.
Im in a situation probably worse than this I work three days a week and I work with my best friend Im moving house and my son is changing school and going to the same one as her son and now shes asking me to pick up her son on the days shes working and take him home for a few hours till shes finished.
She said she will pay me but my sons and her son fight her son is three years older than my eldest and picks on him and I just dont want the aggro of someone elses child even though I know her son very well .

Its sometimes just too much and I think i will be saying no to my friend she has the money for childcare and Ive got enough on my plate , dont feel bad for saying a polite 'no'