to be totally wound up and pissed off....very very very long story (sorry)

[Stars82]

Ok I need to set the scene for ya

I work in the care industry, we are often subjected to many forms of abuse (not just from those we are care for either) We get bitten, scratched, sworn at, punched, and recieve an abundance of verbal abuse....

I was involved in an incident today which has been playing on my mind at little...

All names have been changed
CAPITALS are used for the raised voices in the convo

Bad timing is a particular bug bare of mine, I detest being late for anything. I arrived at Bett and Bills at 0923 (for a 0930 call)

I went into the house and greeted them in a polite, happy and professional manner only to be greeted back with moans and looks of disgust, general rudeness (not unusual sometimes). The convo is as follows

Bill: You are very early stars
Me: only 5 minutes, my sheet say 0930
Bill: (huffs and pants, clearly pissed off) It is meant to be 0945 on a Friday
Me: honestly Bill I am not lying (shows my sheet)
Bill: Don't care what it says on there it is 0945, Our breakfast is going to be ruined now
Me: sorry bill but seen as I don;t come here regulary I am unaware of betts particular timings, I just follow my sheet. I will wait until 0930 and if 2nd carer doesn't arrive I will call office and wait in the car (getting a little wound up at this point)
Bill: THE OFFICE BLOODY KNOW THE TIMINGS..

at this point 2nd carer walks in to more groans and huffs etc

Bill: here's another one that is too early
2nd Carer: Sorry????
Bill: you are not meant to be here until 0945 (very angry now)
2nd Carer: my sheet also states 0930 Bill....
Bill: I'm not having this I'm going to eat upstairs.....
Me: I will go outside and call office
2nd Carer: (reminds bill of timings policy etc)
Bill: WELL THAT DOESN'T BLOODY COUNT IN THIS HOUSE
2nd carer: well it clearly does bill
Me: right I am going to call office
Bill: WHATS THE BLOODY POINT
Me: well yu are clearly annoyed at something that has been way beyond our control bill and I feel I need to talk to the office. You are being very rude and aggress
Bill: I AM NOT BEING AGGRESSIVE
2nd carer: you are bill

We then go outside, inform office to be told that Bill has a reputation for being extremely hostile, to try to do what we can, and remember we are not paid to take abuse of any kind. The office will call Bill

We return....

Me: Bill the office are going to call you
Bill: well don't bother
Bill: you ahve totally ruined our breakfast...(has a rant about nurses and timings and other appts)
Me: again Bill I am NOT physic
Bill: just stop talking, you are delaying breakfast even further
Me: hang on a minute, this has been a two way convo, we are both delaying breakfast
2nd carer: bill there is not need to be so rude
Bett: (to me) and you turned up at 0920!!!!
Me: I actually turned up at 0923, and in all the times I have been to you Bett, I have always been either on time or very slightly early and not ONCE have you ever said that you didn;t like it. I have even turned up to find a carer has already started and again noting has been said. You can't pick and chose when you feel it is going to be acceptable to accept a carer early!!!!!
Bett: OH JUST SHUT UP!!!! (also has rep for being rude and nasty at times)
Me: and we don;t get paid enoughto take ANY FORM OF ABUSE
Bill: right thats it

Bill moves in to grab my arm which I doige

Bill: go on and get out
Me: I am more than happy to leave but DO NOT TOUCH ME, I have no objections being asked to leave but you will not lay a finger on me

We both get our things and head to door, at this point bill panics..
bill: no 2nd carer you can stay
2nd Carer: no bill this has also involved me, you have been rude to me and I havebeen involved in this arguement, If we leave we both leave I have also said my fair share today

Called office etc etc

AIBU to think that this situation is totally out of order?? I feel really wound up by it and I keep replaying it in my head :(

I am always polite and professional and have a good rep at work and feel that this will cast a shadow. Totally annoyed

Why don't you, karen? Then you might have an idea of the job you're supposed to be doing to support the human beings you are paid to look after. Your clients are worthy of your respect and nothing less.

Your first post irked me, references to people working in the profession being able to communicate in English. Yes, they should, (that's applicable to you, also), but communication is much more than words and being able to show some understanding and compassion is priceless.

You make me very angry. I'd happily pay more taxes for them to be diverted directly to elderly services to get 'carers' of your ilk, removed altogether. They don't deserve your kind of 'care'.

I would also consider it a privilege to do such a job.

You should always treat others how you would wish for yourself or close famy members to be treated Karen. You may be the person requiring assistance one day.

These are people, not just random names on a call sheet. People who have led fulfilling lives and have families and memories.

I suggest you start by reading the poem 'Crabbit old woman' but it probably won't help, people like you seem to have no insight.

You really don't seem to consider your clients as people at all do you Karen. You talk about family members not wanting to provide personal care and don't really think about how that might make some individuals feel. My grandmother is an extremely dignified individual who doesn't like the fact that she needs help to get to the toilet as it is. She would be mortified ( and has expressed such) if a member of the family had to "wipe her bum" on a regular basis. In addition, as much as it would be lovely to live in a society where we all look after our grandparents/parents the reality is that for most people it isn't possible. My grandmother has lived in her community for over 70 years and has no intention of moving closer to other family to be cared for and why should she leave all her friends behind and the life she has made for herself all these years. On top of which we all work full time, my mother has her own health issues and my brother and I have young children of our own.

Please remember just because someone is old doesn't mean they aren't allowed to choose how to live their lives and make their own decisions about who does and does not care for them.

?family? Damn iPhone.

Wolf 'tis a lovely poem and well worth putting on here in the vain hope that it might make karen , and others of her ilk, stop and think. (Ever the optimist, me! )

"Crabbit Old Woman"

What do you see, what do you see?
Are you thinking, when you look at me-
A crabbit old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with far-away eyes,
Who dribbles her food and makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice,
I do wish you'd try.
Who seems not to notice the things that you do
And forever is loosing a stocking or shoe.
Who, unresisting or not; lets you do as you will
With bathing and feeding the long day is fill.
Is that what you're thinking,
Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes,
nurse, you're looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still!
As I rise at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of 10 with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters, who loved one another-
A young girl of 16 with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet,
A bride soon at 20- my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.
At 25 now I have young of my own
Who need me to build a secure happy home;
A woman of 30, my young now grow fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last;
At 40, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn;
At 50 once more babies play around my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead,
I look at the future, I shudder with dread,
For my young are all rearing young of their own.
And I think of the years and the love that I've known;
I'm an old woman now and nature is cruel-
Tis her jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body is crumbled, grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone where I once had a heart,
But inside this old carcass, a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells,
I remember the joy, I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living life over again.
I think of the years all too few- gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last-
So open your eyes, nurse, open and see,
Not a crabbit old woman, look closer-
See Me.

Frantic, your post made me well up. That's exactly what it felt like when I had to help my mum after she had an operation, and when I've helped my grandmothers.

Karen, what experience are you using to back up your points?

Karen, I know lots of people who enjoy caring for the elderly, and do it professionally. You're obviously not one of them. You need to get another job. Caring is too important to have nasty people like you doing it. I wish I knew who you were and could report you. You should be ashamed of yourself.

frantic / mrs biscuits
really you think you need to think as carer as people too not saints
you say your mum/grandmother dont want family member wiping their bum.
as that is not what family does
but are happy pay some else

what do you think that says about carers then?

that my family member are too good to wipe my bum but you can and guess what i will pay too
what a lovely employer?
i raised a lovely family who are too good to wipe my bum but your mum did not.

craving
report me for what ?

No the point is not that someone is too good, but that it is inappropriate, not in all cases, but quite often, for the child to wipe the parent's bum. Would you and your own father be happy about it if you had to wipe his bum? Or would you both prefer someone else to do it.
Personally, I have no problem with wiping bums, but surely it is down to the person who is being wiped to have the final say in who they wish to be the wiper, and to have a choice whether they wish a family member or a carer to do it. Or can you not see that at all?
In fact I think I might know who you are. Are you the person who on my first day at a job in a a care home told me "I don't like old people" erm... well there seem to be quite a lot of them here, have you though of getting a different job then you stupid woman?
I am shaking with anger as I'm typing.
And it seems to me that it is you who thinks you are "too good" to wipe someone's arse.
Actually, you're not fucking good enough.

Report you for having no respect for the people who you are caring for, no empathy, no kindness, no pride in your work, no respect for their families, nothing at all about you that explains why you are doing a caring job, apart from for the money.

karen if everyone "looked after their own" what would you do for a job? You clearly hate what you are doing and have zero compassion or respect for your clients. You clearly feel that you are the "lowest of the low" in society, looking after incontinent old people so their "princess" of a daughter doesn't have to sully her lily white hands If you had any sense, or the ability to do any other job, strikes me you'd have quit of your own accord long ago?

Report you for cruelty I guess, for ignoring your client's human rights which, if your posts here are anything to go by, you seem to do on a daily basis! What is worse, you seem to think that you are entitled to do so, that you are doing your clients a favour and that they and their families should be bloody well grateful and spend their time making your life as easy as they possibly can!

Thanks Frantic, can't c&p on this thing. We had it on display on the wall of an elderly care ward I worked on.

Karen I see you are not joking, I am sad for you. But mostly for your service users. Please find a job which does not involve interacting with the public. Your current role obviously doesn't suit you and you are sounding increasingly resentful of the clients and families you are meant to be supporting.

Which is not to say that good carers of any sort should be more highly respected by our society, they most emphatically should. Or that those who do it for a living and do it well, shouldn't be properly remunerated for their labours, they absolutely should. But people like you should be drummed out of the profession immediately!

*shouldn't, not should, be more highly respected of course. Drat! I am actually beginning to lose my temper!

and you know this how?

and for you information yes before my blind dad died i did care for him no he did not think was inappropriate for me to do so
as he and his brother and my mum where happy to wipe my nans bum too.
much better a caring family member do that than some low pay slave.

when does become inappropriate for family member to wipe some bum but it is appropriate for total stranger.

Karen..........I am not saying that anyone is saint. But just like teaching, nursing, caring, infact any profession where you are responsible for another persons welfare it is not ok to dismiss there desires and wants as incoveniences.Eg. the OP went into Billls home early and he wasn't happy about that, instead of saying I am sorry I am early shall I come back in a few minutes when you are ready for me she just started arguing with him about the fact that her timesheet said x etc....., how rude is that !.I appreciate this job is hard and sometimes seemingly thankless but so are many others part of being "trained" should be to learn how to have the professionalism to know how to behave and appropriately respond when faced with such challenges.

You seem to be hell bent on re-enforcing this idea that the family don't want to care for granny or in fact feel they are above such matters. You in fact couldn't be further from the truth. We currently are unable to and , as I believe is her right, even if we could my grandmother has specifically stated she dosen't want us to. Are you saying we should just disregard her wishes? Doesnt she have as much right to decide how to live her life as you or I? , Surely your not suggetsing just because she has gotten old that she no longer is allowed to make these sort of choices for herself?

We are very lucky we do now do have "saints" as you call them who my grandmother regards as friends as well as carers.

karen you really should have the courtesy to direct your posts to whomsoever you are addressing at the time. You are rendering this thread as incoherent as your line of argument. Except it isn't really an argument is it? How could it be in the face of your obdurate refusal put your eyes and brain to any useful purpose?

It's to do with the 'mother/child' bond, nothing to do with someone being 'too good' to wipe their parent's bum. I know full well that my Mum wouldn't like me wiping hers. She would see it as the ultimate in humiliation that I, her daughter, would see her like that, she'd feel so degraded. She wouldn't feel that way about a 'stranger' carrying out this normal function.

I can't understand why you don't see that, karen, I suspect that your family has a different culture somewhere maybe? Sad anyway as you're caring for people with whom you obviously have no empathy. :(

karen "and for you information yes before my blind dad died i did care for him no he did not think was inappropriate for me to do so
as he and his brother and my mum where happy to wipe my nans bum too."

Now, I have no wish to cause offence, even to you, but are you, may I ask from a different culture? Sorry, it is your use of English that makes me ask. Because here, in our culture, particularly for people over the age of 60 it would be highly inappropriate for someone of the opposite sex to perform such intimate tasks unless there really was no alternative, particularly if that person were the elderly patient's son or daughter.

when some need care
they call agency
they say to agency i need X and Y done
agency says X and Y will take so long and will cost so much

so when i go into a home to do X and Y i expect to able to X and Y in that time.
It is the client/family to make sure i can do X and Y in that time.
as the client home then becomes my work place.
they have make sure that is safe for me to work in.
and the right equipment.
and yes my needs come 1st as it my job to make sure i safe .
I would leave old lady on stool to go hunting all over the house for wash cloths , i would expect to find them in bathroom.
if the morning carer/cleaner had not her job and replaced them i would expect my client to have either made them do it or least tell before she was naked ( would not leave when naked) to change the cloths . i do not have time to check others work i have my own to do.

Sorry, x-post with LWITW

Now, I have no wish to cause offence, even to you, but are you, may I ask from a different culture? Sorry, it is your use of English that makes me ask. Because here, in our culture, particularly for people over the age of 60 it would be highly inappropriate for someone of the opposite sex to perform such intimate tasks unless there really was no alternative, particularly if that person were the elderly patient's son or daughter.

now i am deeply offended in my 100% english culture we care for own....

there are males carers you know and they have to wash women you know just as i have to wash men.
where do you come then?

I have only read your first post OP but I don't think you handled the situation very well - you were challenging, at times quite rude and aggressive. Calling the office is no good to him - that would have wound me up from the start, as with your psychic comment. Ask for more training on dealing with challenging situations.