Dh wants to go to a music festival the weekend before the kids are back at school

[TheRhubarb]

It's some music festival down in Devon and his favourite band The Fall are playing of whom he has followed since he was about 12 although they are a crock of shite in my opinion.

The only reasons I am against this is because he'll be away 3 nights and will be taking the Friday off work, so we won't see him that entire weekend and I was hoping, as it's the weekend before dd starts secondary school, that we could do something nice with her as a family.

It will cost £145 plus spending money (although he is planning to take food and drink with him). We've just moved house and I could plough that money into any one of the numerous jobs that need doing.

Jealousy. I've never ever been to a festival in my life and know of no-one who would ever go with me, so I'm a bit peeved off that he gets to play at batchelor man at festival whilst I'm at home with the kids all weekend.

Also I do a lot with the kids. I'll be with them for the entire summer holidays whilst trying to juggle my job and I do often take them both away to different cities for a night staying in a Travelodge or Premier Inn as a treat and something they can do with just me, whereas he almost never spends anytime with them by himself.

I know I could book a weekend off to visit Custy, which I plan to do anyway, but this is more than a night out for him.

I can't really say no without feeling utterly childish and selfish but part of me IS utterly childish and selfish! So I am being unreasonable if I said no aren't I?

"if I want him to do more I have to ask him to do more and not let it get to the stage where I suddenly realise that I'm stressing out trying to fit everything in"

Well if he's on the spectrum I guess you'll have to spell it out - what you need him to do.

Oh dear god!!! I was thinking it was slang for another city, or some bizarre term for a weird self-service sex thing...

"Gimme a minute, I'm... err... going to visit Custy. "

I'm very sorry.

CatPower! You dirty girl you!

Animation yes I probably should do that more, it's easy to forget that he doesn't always consider us as much as he should. Nothing has been diagnosed btw but if I listed all the things he does and says it would be pretty obvious I guess.

dinkystinky, there are only dh's parents who would be willing to do this for us sadly.

gawd if i was Op's OH, I would go just to get away from the nagging, criticising and general misery

Poor sod

I particularly liked the last post - very helpful!

judysjudgement sounds like judgeflounce if you ask me.

Rhubarb0, I have a friend whose DH is on the spectrum. He can be hard work for her in that he seems to have limited intuition. If she tries to explain her ideas/ wishes or her reasonings he will only accept what suits him. She worked all day last Christmas eve, came home at 7.30pm and he still expected her to start cooking, even though he'd been home all day! It's like having another teenager.

Just a thought about the camping. I thought it might be good for you to be away from the temptation of DH being sociable with everyone except his family. I think pressing the point about "having a holiday together would be good for the DC" won't come across as you nagging. Perhaps remind how many days child-free he has had and how many you have had so far, and the lack of days spent as a family?

Brilliant that the little girl is OK.

Cheers girlwhirly. I will stress that the kids do need a break during the summer hols and as I'll be working and looking after them I'll need a break too.

I don't want to make him feel guilty for going but I don't want to be left on my own with the kids all the time either. He doesn't consider them half as much as he should. I guess I need to spell it out more. If only he'd put as much effort into booking a babysitter to give us both some time together I'd be very very happy

Rhubarb. Why don't you go and visit Custy for a long weekend, I'm sure she won't mind

I can see both sides, sometimes it doesn't seem fair that one partner gets to do more than the other, but it sounds like he has more interests, changes to go away so he does. You need to find some more excuses to get out and about. So he has to do his share...

Apart from the bit about Mark E Smith being a genius. He isn't. He's a twat. That's the only thing that you have said on this thread that is actually true

*Yeah you're right, I'm just being petty. Of course he should have as many weekends as he likes whilst I play the part of a single parent. I feel silly now for having a moan when you put it like that!

I'll put my pinny on and get his slippers ready for when he comes in.* Now I am smelling the flesh of a burning martyre

'how many wives get to go off for three days and get childcare' loads including this one!!

Well not really actually worraliberty - his weekends of late have been taken up with fixing the cars and doing DIY on the house so you mean he has been doing stuff that is necessary and not just idling?

And yes, usually when I arrange a trip it's to take the kids to places like Oxford, Edinburgh, Cardiff etc without dh, so he gets plenty of time to himself. I know I can have the odd weekend away but I don't get much chance to. Custy is the only mate I can visit whereas dh often spends time with his brother going on bike rides, or up North going out with friends etc.* Welldo something about it then! Have interests, find something that is ace to do whether it is hill walking, caving, looking round art galleries in cities you have never been to before or going to the cinema by your self in the middle of a Saturday afternooon Anything but take responsibility for your happiness.

If only he'd put as much effort into booking a babysitter to give us both some time together I'd be very very happy Have you told him that or just the whole of MN?

Sorry I know it sounds like I'm having a go but you did post on here rather than chat so you will know it can be harsh.

One has to take control of one's own life to be happy and you aren't. Well that is the way it is coming across.

I would not be impressed if (in the unlikely event ) my DH had a stoney face because I was going to a gig/festival/ weekend away especially if it was a group I had followed since I was a kid.

Make your own fun. Life is what you make it.

Well done on your actions earlier. Glad it gave you a lift. :)

I've been thinking about you in a very dull meeting this afternoon (sad I know ) and think i hope you realised that I did genuinely sympathise with your situation. In fact, I have felt your exact feelings myself

What i did realise was that feeling like, and acting like the burning martyr gets you nowhere. Chances are your dh has no idea how you feel and you end up winding yourself up into a ball if resentment about the slightest thing.

Rather than making a mental list of all the things you do and all the things he doesn't do while going about your tasks with bad grace and joyless begrudging, really, it's best to just talk to him honestly

Because the way you are going it sounds like you will make yourself ill with resentment and stop enjoying your kids and he will be none the wiser about how you feel unless you tell him

I hope you take this in the friendly and understanding spirit itches meant. Like it was this afternoon.

Am confused.How come you are 'on your own' with the kids all summer?
Where is he going to be?

How old are your kids and how many? Not sure why it's such a chore being with them in the hols. And why it really matters that it's the weekend before term starts.

And yes, you would be unreasonable to say no.

I've just found the answers. 10 and 7.

Awww, I like Mark E Smith. One of my favourite quotes is his; "I've had a lot of problems with people with Fine Arts degrees. They don't know anything about Rembrandt and they can't paint."

I have only read the first page of the thread, tbh, but would think that taking the kids along would curtail the crack smoking somewhat, and I don't think your children are too young - my 2 went to their first festival at 4 and 6 months!

Thanks everyone.

The kids will be hard work over the hols because I work from home full-time. Children don't understand that when you are sat over a computer you are working and can't really be disturbed. I'm a copywriter and in order to write flowing promotional paragraphs I need to have total peace - I can't even put the radio on because it's a distraction. So you can imagine that having 2 kids running around is not ideal.

We live 200 miles away from family so I can't ship them off for the day and because they are a boy and a girl, aged 7 and 10, I might be able to get rid of one of them at a friends but not both and having one moping around is just as bad as the pair of them! I find the holidays really really tough.

No dh isn't bad and I know I shouldn't moan about him going. I did admit I was being petty and I'm not a burning martyr but sometimes we do need to let off a bit of steam and as I'm not a moaning minnie on Mumsnet 95% of the time I do feel entitled to have a bit of a whinge without someone making out that I'm always like that and my husband is to be pitied. Trust me, he has an easy life and is blessed to have 2 wonderful children and a loving wife

I suppose the festival is just a symptom of a bigger problem. I do feel isolated here and working from home can be very lonely. I need to get out more but that ain't easy when you don't know anyone. I'm normally very very sociable and love nothing more than a few beers down the pub but I never get chance. My time is taken up with fitting as much work in as I can to pay for work done to the house and looking after the kids. And our relationship is suffering a bit because of it. We're getting bored of each other.

I need to take a week off, but then I know I won't get paid for that week (it sucks being self employed at times) so at the moment I am looking for a regular job with a regular income. Hard to come by at the minute - have you seen how many vacancies there are out there? Our local rag only had half a page of jobs.

Anyway, we had a chat and he's going to book 2 weeks off for a family holiday - but I have to arrange it . He was just as unsympathetic about me not getting out though, saying it wasn't his fault I had no friends .

My sister has offered to come here (hardly the point) and Custy has offered a weekend in Brighton so I shall take the latter. But yes, I need to sort myself out with a proper job out of the house and a social life. Any ideas as to starting points?

Rhubarb
Is there any agency or casual work you can get?

I have just been made redundant and I'm looking at agency and temp stuff.
You could still keep your self employed stuff going but ease up on it IYSWIM.

I know your family are 200 miles away but could the kids go there for a week to make the journey worth while. That could be a holiday for them. My parents live miles away and we meet up on a services that is about 1/2 way so it isn't such a painful journey.

Sounds like you haven't got many friends.
A quite a few years ago I only has one or two friends. What has ended up happpening was that I had two friends round to my house and said to both of them 'oh why not bring'........' (one of their friends that I didn't know.) From their things grew. We then planned a night out and swopped mobile numbers. Others came along.

Now there are 15 of us. We don't always all go out at the same time. Sometimes there might be 3 of us another time there might be 9 but we just send each other a group text saying something like 'Whose up for night out next Friday 8.30 start at the Lion?' or whatever . Who evers free turns up.

Hope everything works out for you.

Cheers upahill. Dh's parents are the only ones who would have the kids for a week and I'd feel uncomfortable staying there by myself.

My friends live in Preston and Custy is in Worthing. We've recently moved to a little village and it's going to take time to get to know people here. Most of the mums I know are happy enough never getting out and wouldn't dream of doing anything without the kids, so I feel the odd one out in wanting to go to the pub without them. I guess that's one of the problems of living out in the sticks.

Atm, my work fits around the kids hours as there is no after school club so it's convenient. I doubt I'll find a p/t job that allows me to work when they are at school but I am looking.

I do feel that dh gets away with things a lot. I did have a go at him for not spending enough time with his kids, something he criticises his father for. He had nothing in common with dd and has the attitude that if she doesn't make the effort for him then he won't make the effort for her, so I have to remind him who is the adult and who is the child. I have a feeling dd thinks that ds is dh's favourite.

Oh well, I'm sure things will turn out one way or the other.

Would it help if DH was formally tested, if he was on the AS you could explain to DD that dad isn't deliberately not making the effort with her, he just doesn't know how to. If he isn't, you can be a lot tougher on him.

The poor relationship with his own father could possibly be due to his dad being on the spectrum too, or maybe he just gave up because DH was a 'difficult' child to get through to.

I think they are both on the spectrum somewhere girlwhirly yes. And dd bless her, does say things like "well he's like that probably because that's how his dad was with him" To which I reply that even if you are brought up in a certain way it doesn't mean you have to be like that for your own children and that daddy may find it hard, but he does pay them a lot more attention than his own father did.

Rhubarb - I find your posts and your honesty VERY refreshing! It's a shame you are cooped up at home most of the time - you good friend material.

It won't be too long now before you and DH can nip to the local for a pint and leave your kids for an hour!

Just sat and read the whole thread and i'm glad the tone is less agressive towards you now OP. Didnt think you deserved a flaming!

I wouldnt be happy in your shoes at the mo, and its hard to change your roles as parents once its been set in for a while. ie: you doing most of the child care. Him having lots of little breaks away.

Lots of good advice has been given, but my apeth would be this: Your children are still young, but will soon be at an age where they will start to be a little more self surficient. Then they'll be teens and the pressure on you time wise will ease up considerably. Untill that stage starts i would try hard to take away the competitive aspect of whose having most/least time with the kids - booking breaks away just because OH has had breaks away ect. Sit down with him and tell him you feel BOTH of you are trying too hard to 'get away' from family life at present. Tell him you BOTH need to bite the bullet and make any holiday time a family holiday for the next few months.

I feel for you. You're keeping alot of balls in the air at once there, i know how that feels x

btw, i'm saying put it to him that both of you are equaly guilty of too much time away cos hes less likely to get defensive, hopefully

why cant you put the dC in local playscheme for even two days per week?

if you working you working - so pay for child care. find out which playschemes still running locally eg in schools etc - eg local one to us £20 for full day 0800 to 6 pm and my dds love it .

or if you have more funds private schemes, drama groups,

also for cheaper schemes - local sports centres run courses in summer hols or local tennis courts.

find out what is going on so you can get few hours per day /week child free to work. otherwise isnt fair on themreally fi you trying to work adn be there for them - you cant really, can you?

or send them off on a PGL or yha holiday

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