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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh wants to go to a music festival the weekend before the kids are back at school

191 replies

TheRhubarb · 23/06/2011 11:16

It's some music festival down in Devon and his favourite band The Fall are playing of whom he has followed since he was about 12 although they are a crock of shite in my opinion.

The only reasons I am against this is because he'll be away 3 nights and will be taking the Friday off work, so we won't see him that entire weekend and I was hoping, as it's the weekend before dd starts secondary school, that we could do something nice with her as a family.

It will cost £145 plus spending money (although he is planning to take food and drink with him). We've just moved house and I could plough that money into any one of the numerous jobs that need doing.

Jealousy. I've never ever been to a festival in my life and know of no-one who would ever go with me, so I'm a bit peeved off that he gets to play at batchelor man at festival whilst I'm at home with the kids all weekend.

Also I do a lot with the kids. I'll be with them for the entire summer holidays whilst trying to juggle my job and I do often take them both away to different cities for a night staying in a Travelodge or Premier Inn as a treat and something they can do with just me, whereas he almost never spends anytime with them by himself.

I know I could book a weekend off to visit Custy, which I plan to do anyway, but this is more than a night out for him.

I can't really say no without feeling utterly childish and selfish but part of me IS utterly childish and selfish! So I am being unreasonable if I said no aren't I?

OP posts:

upahill · 23/06/2011 12:05

I never called you a whinging cow! I did say you sound like you are whinging and in your own words 'I just wanted a bit of a moan'

worraliberty · 23/06/2011 12:11

If it's the money then fine

But you do sound as though you're using 'spending time with the kids' as an excuse.

I'm sure there will be plenty of other times he can spend with them that don't clash with his festival plans.

Original poster

TheRhubarb · 23/06/2011 12:14

Thanks SinicalSal btw. But now I would feel a right witch if I said we couldn't afford for him to go.

His mate will be there for the entire festival and wants dh there too, otherwise he's on his own. I don't know which festival it is or if they do only day passes. Guess I would need more info but it's pretty much he goes for the entireity or he doesn't. I doubt either of them would bother if dh only went for The Fall gig.

OP posts:

AuntieMonica · 23/06/2011 12:16

Rhubarb

maybe tackling your DH on the issue of childcare etc throughout the whole summer holidays might get more support than pinning your main gripe on one weekend?

there are plenty other weekends, after all

knittedbreast · 23/06/2011 12:18

why has this become about crack? its his mate that might be taking it and thats up to him.

off course hes going to want to get pissed (at least) and who would blame him? i wouldnt want my children at a festival if i was going with my friends either.

yes its a pain in the arse the dates and hes probebly pusjing it money and time wise but just let him go and bank this favour for the furture ;)

MrSpoc · 23/06/2011 12:18

Offer a compromise.

You want help with kids over summer and may be some ME TIME, If he helps out then he can go to the festival.

Would this work?

Also if you wanted a winge then next time i would advice not posting in AIBU as you are just asking to be judged. Good Luck.

Original poster

TheRhubarb · 23/06/2011 12:21

Well not really actually worraliberty - his weekends of late have been taken up with fixing the cars and doing DIY on the house. Which is why he probably needs a break but also the kids haven't spent much time with him at all recently and tbh if I didn't suggest that he spend time with them he wouldn't do it.

The burden of childcare usually does fall largely on the woman and men do seem to have more chances to get out and about than we do. How easy would it be for us to just leave the kids in their care, find someone else who could do the same and bugger off to a music festival all weekend?

Oh I forgot to mention the stag do in Glasgow he went to in April - the weekend AFTER we moved in leaving me with a load of boxes to empty and a shit load of cleaning to do.

So actually, after remembering that little episode I don't think I am whingeing unnecessarily. He spent a fortune then and stayed away for 3 nights whilst I was up to my ears in dust, painting, half finished floors and my sister visiting who kindly offered to let her two sleep over at mine whilst she and her dh had a night in a hotel. Actually no, I'm NOT being unreasonable at all so go poo yourselves! Ha!

He can still go obviously, but I want some bloody time for myself for a change!

OP posts:

SinicalSal · 23/06/2011 12:21

no don't bank it for the future. Get yours before he goes. 3 days getting pissed at the other end of the country with £200, childfree. Can't be done? Then it's sauce for the goose and sauce for the gander, isn't it.

Inertia · 23/06/2011 12:22

I think that the compromise needs to be that your DH takes some time off work during summer hols to share child care and do some family stuff. I can see why you are pissed off if you are working and doing child care single handed and sorting the house - the festival is reasonable if he does his fair share the rest of the time.

upahill · 23/06/2011 12:23

I agree withMrSpoc.

Compromise is always the key if one person is feeling a bit left out.

I would have thought it goes without saying that everyone mucks in most of the time with the kids/household duties and every now and again one can bow out and enjoy a bit of free time and so can the other partner when an activity/event comes up that they are into as well.

It works like this in the Upahil household and everyone is happy.

I hope things work out for you over summer though Rhubarb.

Talk and compromise and hopefully the weather will get better!!

Original poster

TheRhubarb · 23/06/2011 12:23

AM, good idea. I will insist that I need help with the kids over the hols, although how he'll manage that with him working I have no idea! Perhaps he can take the kids off somewhere whilst I have a wonderful time catching up with work.

OP posts:

SinicalSal · 23/06/2011 12:23

x posts.

Makes my post EVEN MORE RELEVANT, in all honesty.

VivaLeBeaver · 23/06/2011 12:26

I think YABU about him going to a festival. Life's for living and if that means going to a festival that he wants to go for and he's not putting you in debt then he should be able to. You're having a weekend away at your friend's at some point. You can all do something as a family another weekend.

DH said he'd happily let me go to Glastonbury on my own if I wanted to and look after DD while I went. He's off to Slovenia for a week with a mate in the summer holidays. I'd rather he didn't go, especially as its the holidays and its going to be an arse for me to sort out childcare, plus I'm sure its costing a fortune. But I'd never say that to him. You want to be thankful your DH isn't into paragliding, my DH spends most weekends away ffrom home for about 7 months of the year.

Its one weekend out your life!

But if he's going to smoke crack then I would not be happy with that.

Stars82 · 23/06/2011 12:26

YUBU,

He won't be going off as a bachelor but as a GROWN man enjoying something he has followed since he was a child.

Would you seek permission for something you enjoyed or would you expect him to pat you on the back and send you off to enjoy yourself?

Does he do this ALL the time?

Does he work hard and support you etc?

Are you jealous? Are you pissed off because he wants to go without you?

Why not ''grant'' him permission but look into doing something for yourself prior to him having his weekend!!!

CHILL OUT and let him enjoy it

Original poster

TheRhubarb · 23/06/2011 12:28

I do feel a bit left out tbh.

I work from home and for myself, so I can't take time off sick or holidays. If the kids have time off school I have to entertain them and work. I go to every class assembly, I make them both packed lunches, I sort out swimming money, costumes, bake cakes for cake stalls, do their homework with them etc etc. I am dreading the summer holidays so yes, when he announces his latest little outing with his usual bad timing I do feel left out and annoyed, esp when we've no family holiday booked.

He had his weekend away in Glasgow and that was bad enough to be honest, I had a shit weekend then. I really don't see why I should have to pat his back and see him off to yet another jaunt - favorite band or no. There will always be a good excuse as to why he simply HAS to go away and I don't get nearly enough time just to chill.

Perhaps I should book a hotel room just for me, on my own.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 23/06/2011 12:29

So why didn't you kick up a fuss then? Why kick up a fuss now when it's the festival weekend?

Also, if the kids are desperate to spend time with him, what have they said to him about it?

Really, I think you're putting the pressure on about the kids as an excuse if you're saying he has to spend time with him on this particular weekend.

But the money aspect I can understand if you're both really and truly skint.

DumSpiroSpero · 23/06/2011 12:30

Assuming the money side of it isn't really a major issue (which given your mentions of other holidays and weekends away I'm guessing it isn't) then YABU.

I appreciate it's a bummer that you'll be in charge of the kids most of the holidays, but that is at least partly your responsibility - if you want him to step up to the plate a bit more you have to let him know that and make sure he does.

I don't mean being bossy. most of my DH's friends have to 'get a pass' from their wives to do anything and we don't work like that at all, but once we had DD the balance of him doing his own thing and me doing mine changed drastically and I've had to really change my approach to make sure I get time for myself too.

razzlebathbone · 23/06/2011 12:32

Speak for yourself. This is certainly not the case in our family and I suspect many others. Why are you generalising like that?

Sorry if this isn't the case but why does it seem you all never go anywhere together but have odd weekends in Premier Inns etc?

Original poster

TheRhubarb · 23/06/2011 12:33

Stars, let me see now.

1 week in Turkey - tick.
1 weekend in the Lakes - tick.
1 night in London with a friend - tick.
numerous nights out to see The Fall - tick.
1 long stag weekend in Glasgow - tick.

Me:
1 week in Croatia - tick.
I night out at Custy's - tick.

That's it. Unless you count the hotels I've stayed in on my own with the kids, which I don't as I'm hardly having time to myself getting pissed am I?

See the uneveness there?

No-one needs "permission" but he has asked me, which is only polite and I know if I put my foot down he wouldn't go, but as selfish as I feel inside I'm not a selfish person outside and so would never actually say no. But I now feel that I need to sort out a compromise because I can now see that he's having quite a bit of fun time whilst I'm juggling childcare, work, house on my own.

OP posts:

TobyLerone · 23/06/2011 12:33

So do it, then. Book the hotel, even just for a night, just for you. It's no good whingeing about him on an internet forum if you haven't brought up all your childcare woes/worries about drugs/hating his friend/irritation about the money aspect with him.

Just do it.

Original poster

TheRhubarb · 23/06/2011 12:35

razzle, because he works and at half term I sometimes book a midweek deal in a hotel just so that kids can say they did something during the hols. He often can't take the time off to be with us.

We were meant to have a long weekend on the 22nd of May but he forgot to book the time off work.

Usually we'd fit in around 2 weeks for a family holiday but with all our cash being spent on the house that hasn't happened.

OP posts:

Animation · 23/06/2011 12:35

Rhubarb - completely understand how you're feeling. What about you I say? You have too much on your shoulders - and by the last week of the summer holdays - bloody hell you'll be knacked at this rate.

redwineformethanks · 23/06/2011 12:37

I'm not convinced that the last weekend of the summer holidays is really such a big occasion that you must spend it as a family

If you are comfortable taking the DC away for weekends at other times, then I don't think the cost of DH's trip is really the issue either

I'm not really understanding why you're so anxious that he shouldn't go

CurrySpice · 23/06/2011 12:37

Well book yourself something then. Stop acting like a martyr. Sort out the inequality in childcare / housework (which it seems to me is the actual problem here, not the festival).

(And don't moan about him doing DIY all weekend when you say yourself there's loads of jobs to do!! )

Whining "It's not fair" won't solve anything. Stopping him going will only make him feel hard done to as well and then you're in a worse mess.

Original poster

TheRhubarb · 23/06/2011 12:38

TobeLerone, sometimes you start off thinking you'll just have a moan but then as you write things down you start to realise that actually, you may have a point after all, especially as you remember all the 'previous'.

So whingeing on an internet forum can help you get your own mind in order and perhaps even help draw advice from others on a good compromise.

As well as those who just label you as a tyrant wife who wants to keep her husband under lock and key of course

OP posts:

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