Dh wants to go to a music festival the weekend before the kids are back at school

[TheRhubarb]

It's some music festival down in Devon and his favourite band The Fall are playing of whom he has followed since he was about 12 although they are a crock of shite in my opinion.

The only reasons I am against this is because he'll be away 3 nights and will be taking the Friday off work, so we won't see him that entire weekend and I was hoping, as it's the weekend before dd starts secondary school, that we could do something nice with her as a family.

It will cost £145 plus spending money (although he is planning to take food and drink with him). We've just moved house and I could plough that money into any one of the numerous jobs that need doing.

Jealousy. I've never ever been to a festival in my life and know of no-one who would ever go with me, so I'm a bit peeved off that he gets to play at batchelor man at festival whilst I'm at home with the kids all weekend.

Also I do a lot with the kids. I'll be with them for the entire summer holidays whilst trying to juggle my job and I do often take them both away to different cities for a night staying in a Travelodge or Premier Inn as a treat and something they can do with just me, whereas he almost never spends anytime with them by himself.

I know I could book a weekend off to visit Custy, which I plan to do anyway, but this is more than a night out for him.

I can't really say no without feeling utterly childish and selfish but part of me IS utterly childish and selfish! So I am being unreasonable if I said no aren't I?

Just not getting why you are peeved.
Sure you don't liek his festival habits and don't want your DD there. FAir enough

I don't want my kids at the majority of gigs I go to because I want to let my hair down without having the responsibilty of looking after others.
DH went to a football match day after DS1 was born and straight back to work two hours after DS2 was born and took no time off work. I had no one either so what?

Think you are whinging tbh.

'would not let husband go'

What are you going to do? lock him in and hide the key.

FFS!

Your first post sounded selfish and U. But the extra bit about smoking crack is not on. This is your reason why he should not go. His mate is a tool.

YABU.

upahill - FFS What. Yes you cant lock him up but if he's fucking off to smoke crack then you have every right to tell him its not on.

OP, do you get equal amounts of downtime? Childfree leisure time? Equal spending money?

Sounds to me like you're doing the lions share of the parenting while your DH fannys around like some superannuated teenager.

I can see where you are coming from OP. 100%

I wouldn't be thrilled about it either... if though you are able to do these things but choose not too, I think the only option is to be peeved.

What festival is it? if its 'beautiful days' then its a very friendly festival and great for families, but i can see your point if your dh is going to act like a dick all weekend. If its not going to be a nice family weekend then send him on his own or with a mate.

Ok, let me tell you the full story.

Dh has been mates with this guy for like, forever. He does occasionally smoke crack and may well do so at this festival.
Dh took speed once, at this guys wedding, but never since he's been with me as I have made it clear that I hate drugs. dh is not a drug user. But his mate will no doubt supply some hash and dh will prob smoke that, which I don't mind. And of course they will get pissed. Not the right atmosphere for a family outing is it?

He could just see the band but he wants to go for the entire festival with his mate. I can't stand this mate personally but dh only sees him once every few years so it's fine.

dd is 10, will be 11 next month and will be staring secondary school in Sept. Much as I'd love to take her to a music festival such as Glastonbury, this is not the right one for her as I doubt it will have much of a family atmosphere.

Dh wouldn't consider any other festival because this is the one his mate is going to and he wouldn't go on his own.

He doesn't have to ask permission to go anywhere or do anything. Last year he went to Turkey for a week with a friend, I went to Croatia for a week with Custy. He's also been to the Lakes for a weekend and I've taken the kids to Oxford with me for the night.

I guess it's just bad timing as I will be knackered after 6 weeks of having them both on my own and trying to work, plus the added stress of sorting dd out for secondary, making arrangements to take her there for her first day and arranging for ds to start his school.

Is that clearer? I'm not asking for a judgement on my dh or his friend, I just wanted a bit of a moan. I guess that backfired didn't it?

FFS is all about the 'I wouldn't let DH go'

I had turned it round and thought if DH had said to me 'I'm not allowing you to go to Malmassion for the weekend' He would be laughed out of the house.
He knows one of my mates sleeps around and he knows another does something else that he doesn't approve of but my goodness he accepts my judgement and I accepth his when he says he is off to Belguim/ Spain wherever with his mates.

This is becoming an AIBU by stealth and quite silly.

Rhurbarb

I have xposted and said it was becoming an AIBU by stealth.

I was right!

Agree with upahill. I think you are whingeing. You also seem unable to decide whether you're pissed off because he's going without you, or because of the drugs, or because you have to look after your own children while he's away.

I think there is a lot more to this than a festival with not great timing for your DD's move into Yr 7. I suspect if he was going to chill and spend time with a respectable mate who you like your view would be very different. If my DH wanted to spend time with someone who does crack this would be a lot bigger issue than one weekend away, however bad the timing, and I suspect it is for you.

And yes, usually when I arrange a trip it's to take the kids to places like Oxford, Edinburgh, Cardiff etc without dh, so he gets plenty of time to himself. I know I can have the odd weekend away but I don't get much chance to. Custy is the only mate I can visit whereas dh often spends time with his brother going on bike rides, or up North going out with friends etc.

I obviously need to get out more. But then there's the money and I don't like spending money on booze and festivals when there's the back door to replace because we can see daylight through it, a fireplace to buy, tiles to lay etc not to mention the fact that we've not had a family holiday for a year.

But obv he should go as is his right as an independent human being and I should applaud the fact that even though he is married with kids he can still go and live the life of a single man - hurrah!

yabu, unless he thinks he can do this sort of thing but you can't (does he?)

It's great he has interests and passions, and everybody needs a weekend away some time.

Just set aside a similar amount of money for yourself and book something nice to do some other weekend during the hols.

He can then use that weekend to do something special with DC!

I always think that in marriage you have to give eachother some freedom sometimes, and trust the other person not to get drugged or sexed up!

Uphill - i agree you cannot tell your wife/husband what to do. My point was in the opening post Op was Out of order but as soon as class a drugs come into it then its another bal game.

Yes you should be able to leave it up to thier judgment but Op said his friend will hack crack and husband will probably take it. This is a highly addictive drug and very distructive. She should be able to say fuck off if she felt he would take it.

But Op does not seem arsed about the drugs but is more arsed about it being last weekend of summer holidays. Priorities are a little off.

upahill and TobyLerone, cheers for that. When have I said that I wasn't being selfish or a whingeing cow? But thanks for rubbing it in anyway.

Yes the timing is a bit pants. We've loads to do on the house yet and it will be a difficult time for both kids going to new schools.
A different scenario at a different time, yeah. I encouraged him to go to Turkey with a friend, I thought he could do with the break. I have no probs with him going cycling all weekend with his brother or visiting pals I know up North.
But I'm pretty sure that if you had spent 6 weeks on your own with the kids day in and day out whilst struggling to work you may be a little peeved if your dh announced he was going to spend 3 days at a music festival getting pissed and stoned. Don't tell me that wouldn't irritate you just a little bit, because I think it would.

MrSpoc I SAID THAT DH WILL NOT BE TAKING CRACK
I am not bothered about the pot but please do not pretend that I am totally blase about class A drugs. I thought I made it very clear that dh does not and would not take crack. I am not responsible for the actions of the other man who is also a family man.

YABU - let him go.....esp if it is a band he has followed for ever and a day!!! If my band were performing I would book it and then tell DH, no way would I miss out.

The kids have a whole 6 weeks off so you can have lots of nice family weekends, whats so special about the last one??? I usually spend the last one getting ready for the next school term.

Chandon, I agree. My opening post said "I can't really say no without feeling utterly childish and selfish but part of me IS utterly childish and selfish! So I am being unreasonable if I said no aren't I?"

So I admit that my not wanting him to go is irrational and childish. I guess I just wanted others to sympathise with those feelings. Sometimes you don't want them to go for utterly selfish reasons and it's nice to hear from others that they'd probably feel the same so that at least you can feel better after a bit of a moan.

Instead I'm being torn apart for not being a loving and caring wife who sends her dh off with a freshly prepared packed lunch and a lock of hair.

I'm only human ffs!

Sorry Op but when you wrote Dh intends to get pissed and smoke dope.
His mate smokes crack. I don't want it to sound seedy and if I even get a whiff of dh having smoked crack then he might as well stay in Devon

It sounded like you thought that there was a real possibility that your husband could take it. Sorry if it was wrong.

Why don't you all go to Devon for the weekend, DH can slope off for one night of shite music and debauchery the festival and you can spend the rest of the time together.

Totally get where you are coming from Rhubarb and how strange it is that you are getting a hard time for it.
You don't have infinite amounts of individual free time/family time/ money so what you do have has to be divvied out. He appears to be getting more than his share, leving you with a burden. You're pissed off by that, jayzuz Burn The Witch!
FWIW, in our house the rule of thumb is if we can't afford the time or money for both we can't afford it for one. Keeps things vaguely fair.

Would hate the crack smoking mate, mind you.

Anyway the fall are hardly playing every night are they? Maybe a good compromise would be he goes for whatever night they're on.

No MrSpoc, it was meant to say that my dh knows my position on drugs and knows that if he ever touched it we would be finished. So I trust that he would never take crack. A dope smoker does not equal a crack user.

CurrySpice, could do but I get the impression he wants to go with his mate and have some blokey time without the missus and kids tagging along.

I would feel better if I could have some help with the kids during the summer hols as I'm really going to struggle to work and entertain them. It's a nightmare every single year and we've no family holidays planned so I feel a bit sad that he's going off on his own when the kids haven't had a break this year.

Never mind. I'll have a night out with Custy and perhaps take the kids to another Premier Inn for the night - that'll have to do for their hols.

Cheers for the sympathy. Hope your summer holidays work out just as well.