Dh wants to go to a music festival the weekend before the kids are back at school

[TheRhubarb]

It's some music festival down in Devon and his favourite band The Fall are playing of whom he has followed since he was about 12 although they are a crock of shite in my opinion.

The only reasons I am against this is because he'll be away 3 nights and will be taking the Friday off work, so we won't see him that entire weekend and I was hoping, as it's the weekend before dd starts secondary school, that we could do something nice with her as a family.

It will cost £145 plus spending money (although he is planning to take food and drink with him). We've just moved house and I could plough that money into any one of the numerous jobs that need doing.

Jealousy. I've never ever been to a festival in my life and know of no-one who would ever go with me, so I'm a bit peeved off that he gets to play at batchelor man at festival whilst I'm at home with the kids all weekend.

Also I do a lot with the kids. I'll be with them for the entire summer holidays whilst trying to juggle my job and I do often take them both away to different cities for a night staying in a Travelodge or Premier Inn as a treat and something they can do with just me, whereas he almost never spends anytime with them by himself.

I know I could book a weekend off to visit Custy, which I plan to do anyway, but this is more than a night out for him.

I can't really say no without feeling utterly childish and selfish but part of me IS utterly childish and selfish! So I am being unreasonable if I said no aren't I?

I personally don't think it's on for either parents to be be pursueing time consuming hobbies like golf and festivals when you've got small kids.

You say 'how many wives get to go off for three days and get childcare etc'- well why not? I have two days away planned with friends, no kids, this summer and I can't wait and yes, I do expect my husband to do the childcare that weekend as he has to do it every weekend anyway, as he's with me and we do it together.

I think like others that the festival is a red herring, and just symptomatic of an inbalance in your relationship about who does the bulk of the childcare. I think you need to have some frank convos about what working from home means, how many hours you do a week, how you divide up the childcare as a result, and how you are both going to cover the school holidays (perhaps he can take them out on a Sat/Sun for a couple of weekends so you are not too exhausted in the week, perhaps he could take a week off to give you a break, perhaps it is not too late for a family break).

I feel sorry for you, you have had a hard time on here, but it is because you made the issue look like it was about controlling your husband's one weekend away, whereas actually once you tell the bigger picture, it's clear he is skipping around doing what the heck he likes whilst you pick up all the work. The question is why are you doing that and what could you do to change it?

You may well have a point, OP. Sounds like you do.

But FFS take it up with him! He's not a mind-reader.

i dont know why you are getting such a hard time at all.

I can see why you are annoyed, could you not let him go and find someone to have your children over night on the weekend hes gone. spend that time researching something you would really like to do, a class or weekend retreat (dont know what your into so i cant be more specific) and book it. youl know u r going out once a week to x and when he gets back you can show him with actions you need more time for you. i bet he wont bat and eye lid and will be happy for you then maybe youl see his point of view aswell.

your not just a mum, you are rhubarb (i never thought id say that) and you need to keep yourself fufilled with stuff to look forward too :)

I can understand totally where you are coming from - working from home too with 6 weeks of children trying to kill each other has moments of joy and (by weeks 6) a hell of a lot of "i'll be glad when you've gone back moments"

To be honest I would make too much of an issue of it being before starting a new school or that my cause stress for your DD in itself.

Personally I would let him have his moment of teenage regression, he will doubtless come home realising that as you get older it gets way harder to live that life and he actually likes being a grown up with all the comforts it entails!

But you definately deserve a few days of ME time yourself and I would set them in stone for about halfway through the holiday (even if he needs to take time off work) he has the kids and you do something for yourself!!

I dont think having a bit of a moan amongst "friends" who perhaps may understand is such an unreasonable thing to do - I didnt get that you were actually dictating to him what he could and couldnt do but just expecting him to realise that sometimes having a relationship and kids involves compromise, discussion and occasionally not doing something you want to (for both of you!)

Oh and his mate sounds like a complete knob

CurrySpice - you should see the work I've put in on the house!
But bless him, instead of getting someone in, dh will spend an entire weekend fitting a patio door himself because he's stubborn. Which is lovely because we don't have to pay someone to do it but a pain in the arse because I'm left to sort out the kids and usually the door ends up sticking and we've expanding foam rubber stains all over the floor

I'm not trying to be a martyr, I started off by saying I was probably being childish and selfish but now I see that I may have a point and he needs to pull his weight.

Funny how this thread is going isn't it? Is every AIBU like this? I bet even if I said "yes, you are all right, I am being totally and utterly unreasonable" someone would tell me that I'm being too timid and would accuse me of just following the crowd

Ah well, it's helped me to write it all down and I shall be having words tonight to make him realise that the childcare burden is falling onto me too much and he needs to help out more during the hols.

Animation, an alternative is for both parents to support each other to pursue their hobbies or the odd weekend away a couple of times a year. I think it's quite tragic to give up all semblance of a normal life on having children, I would never ask my husband to give up his hobby (which he's done since he was about 10, so thirty years), nor he to give up my odd weekend away with friends. And with festivals, you can take the children along. I absolutely disagree with this martyrish approach to making everyone do everything together absolutely all of the time.

Fair is fair though.

and it's not just about Rhubarb and Mr rhubarb and their hols, what about the DC? Rhubarb concerns herself with that, doesn't seem to occur to her DH.

Yes life is for living and em...Mark e Smith's a genius.... but everyone in the family deserves a fair share of the family resources, time and money. Surely that's standard?

The week before school starts, esp DD's switch to secondary would unsettle me too. It would be nice to have a chilled weekend. Not R's husband have a chilled weekend while R runs around sorting uniforms and schoolbags and calming preteen fears on her own.

And I say this as one whose DH is going on the piss at a festival this summer leaving me pregnant with a toddler. But I get my time and my money and it's not a particularly significant weekend.

SherlockMoans - my ds's middle name is Sherlock, I kid you not!

Yes the festival was probably symphomatic of a bigger problem but I didn't realise that until I wrote it all down did I?
No he cannot mind read but until I saw what I had written I didn't really know why I was being peeved off myself. Now I do I can talk to him, geddit?

We both enjoy time off from being parents and would do more together if we could, but lack of babysitters makes that impossible.

Rhubarb you sound exhausted to me already - before the holidays have even begun.

Well OP if it's helped you see the wood (inbalance in childcare making you feel resentful) for the trees (festival) then it's been worthwhile

He doesn't stop you doing stuff does he? Then go and do it! Talk to him about how you are feeling about shouldering all the childcare. And offer to do all the DIY while he has the kids :o

I like you SinicalSal - you manage to put my own thoughts into words for me!

Apart from the bit about Mark E Smith being a genius. He isn't. He's a twat.

Yes the timing is a bit shit and yes I will have to cope with those fears on my own plus all the arranging. I do feel exhausted most of the time. Dh is very good at doing the house and fixing things but not so good when it comes to supporting either the kids or me emotionally. He wouldn't see that last weekend as being a big deal at all, just as he didn't get it when he left me the night after ds was born to go to a gig or the weekend after we moved in to go to a stag do. He doesn't get it at all.

Allinabinbag - I believe that TIME CONSUMING activities away from home are definately OUT when your kids are babies or small .

I think there might be another issue going on here with the OP - her DP appears to be hard to reach - like he's not connecting with her. She seems alone.

rhubarb0

If thats the case..let him go but book yourself a spa weekend or something. Make him fully aware that it has to be fair.

Give him plenty of notice so he can't bitch and moan that he didn't know etc.

:)

Bit boring having a weekend on my own though isn't it? Only Custy would consider having a weekend away from hers but she's busy with house fixing stuff herself of late. My sister can't even spend the day away from hers.

Feel sorry for me NOW please!

ok i do... a little :(

I personally don't think it's on for either parents to be be pursueing time consuming hobbies like golf and festivals when you've got small kids - Animation - are you taking the piss???

Rhubard - I do feel for you, can totally understand why you are fed up...but....lol!

thank you stars

Animation, I feel that being your own person besides being a parent is just as important for your own wellbeing and that of your children. It's healthy for them to see you as someone other than just mum or dad and I think it makes them respect you more. It's also great for your own sanity to be yourself and not have to be at everyone's beck and call.

Having said that, I wouldn't like him to spend every single weekend away from us and in pursuit of his hobbies. But if other people have marriages like that and are happy with them then who are we to criticise?

I think I'd be pissed off too, actually.

But it sounds like we have DHs who are similar wrt their hobbies.

DH plays golf. A lot. (imo) He spends a lot of time organising golf games/competitions etc. He plays three weekends (minimum) out of a month, taking up half of one day each time. In October he's due to go away for 3 days, possibly 5. Nothing comes between him and golf and he can't be contacted whilst on the course.

Now ok, I do karate. I train twice a week. In the evening, after all childcaring/housework/dinner-cooking etc has been done. All DH has to do is put ds2 to bed.

I've come to the conclusion that it's down to how we view being part of a family. My concern is family first -so that means trips as a family/family time/whatever. Then my hobbies. If something happens (ill children/school events/etc) I don't train. I wait till the following week.

DH views it differently. Work first, obviously, then golf, then family. It wouldn't occur to him that after 6 weeks of summer holidays where I had virtually all responsibility for the children that I might be a bit frazzled. He would just view it as just another weekend.

So. I have sympathy for you, OP.

Betty - no I'm not taking the piss. Looking after babies is hard fucking work -and ideally two should be sharing the job. Otherwise one parent get tired and pissed off. They're not babies for long!

Yes, it's crap looking after the kids all week and then having to do it at the weekend when your OH goes away but how dull would it be if we all spent every waking hour with our OH's and kids?! picks self off the floor at the thought

Just think of it as one in the bag for you. He goes away for the weekend - you go away for the weekend and WITHOUT the kids. After a few nights on his own with the children I'm sure he'll rein in his lads' jollies

Ah now whilst babies Animation I may agree with you.

Shodan - generalising again but it does appear to be a common male thing that. We tend to put our families first and if we do go away we carry some guilt about with us that we are enjoying ourselves without our children. They are always first and foremost in our minds. Whereas some men are able to put family out of their minds and spend entire weekends not even giving them a second thought. When it comes to having time to themselves they don't question as to whether dd has a play on or if ds needs taking to football, they just assume it will be ok to take that weekend off.

"Animation, I feel that being your own person besides being a parent is just as important for your own wellbeing and that of your children. It's healthy for them to see you as someone other than just mum or dad and I think it makes them respect you more. It's also great for your own sanity to be yourself and not have to be at everyone's beck and call."

Absoluely agree. But when they're babies, and you're not getting a lot of sleep - it's all hands on deck - otherwise one of you gets exhausted!

I think it's when they are babies that is exactly the time parents need to have time to themselves occasionally animation

Besides, the kids aren't tiny here

Animation, my babies slept through from 6 weeks. I wasn't any more tired then than I am now. Should we have both stayed in looking at each other until they went to school?