Dh wants to go to a music festival the weekend before the kids are back at school

[TheRhubarb]

It's some music festival down in Devon and his favourite band The Fall are playing of whom he has followed since he was about 12 although they are a crock of shite in my opinion.

The only reasons I am against this is because he'll be away 3 nights and will be taking the Friday off work, so we won't see him that entire weekend and I was hoping, as it's the weekend before dd starts secondary school, that we could do something nice with her as a family.

It will cost £145 plus spending money (although he is planning to take food and drink with him). We've just moved house and I could plough that money into any one of the numerous jobs that need doing.

Jealousy. I've never ever been to a festival in my life and know of no-one who would ever go with me, so I'm a bit peeved off that he gets to play at batchelor man at festival whilst I'm at home with the kids all weekend.

Also I do a lot with the kids. I'll be with them for the entire summer holidays whilst trying to juggle my job and I do often take them both away to different cities for a night staying in a Travelodge or Premier Inn as a treat and something they can do with just me, whereas he almost never spends anytime with them by himself.

I know I could book a weekend off to visit Custy, which I plan to do anyway, but this is more than a night out for him.

I can't really say no without feeling utterly childish and selfish but part of me IS utterly childish and selfish! So I am being unreasonable if I said no aren't I?

I am a single parent!!

Yesterday I left the house at 7:40 with the kids. Drove a 300 mile round trip for a meeting. Rushed back to collect the kids and did all the above you describe. I finished work at about 10:30pm.

If you want a competition

Rhubarb - I haven't said anything like that!! You are being silly now!

I have said you need to talk to your DH because you clearly feel unhappy. I have said you should take more time for yourself.

But hell, you just chose to read the bits you see as criticism because I'm not patting your head

CurrySpice, my point was that he ignores the kids, so he can help himself to food and not bother to check that they know where to get it from and he can get pissed and jam with friends and not even think about them being scared to go to bed at the far corner of the garden in a tent on their own.

It's about him being able to switch off and assume that they will be looked after by me.

And I know you are a single parent, you said. I am not. So why should I have to have the responsibilites of one?

You asked why I feel exhausted. I told you and now you are telling me that I've turned it into a competition?

Thanks Rhubarb.

TBH the more you say the more annoyed I'd be. Especially the bits about you being 'awkward' with a one day old baby.

It's not the stupid gig or that SuperHans mate. It's not even the fact that you don't get the same amount of 'time off' as him, afaics. He sounds selfish tbh. Now I know everyone gets selfish and has unpleasant bursts of self indulgence. A bit of it's no harm, healthy even. But - going back to the sharing of resources thing - he uses up more than his fair share of selfishness, which means there's none left for you. Does that make sense.

Yeah, whatever. I've lost interest now TBH -you are determined to be a martyr from what I can see

You're being oversensitive, OP. Perhaps that is also part of the bigger picture?

Curry and Toby, I think that the argument is not about whether Rhubarb does more than you as single parents- it's that she does considerably more than her her husband, the man who is supposed to be her partner and the children's dad.

Yes Sinical it does and I don't want to appear to be miserable or in competition with single mums about who does what. I have just moved house, I have no friends or family nearby, I work very hard, I look after the household and the kids and I feel exhausted. Sorry if that's a crime.

I should have left the thread when the going was good. What would life be like if we can't all have a moan every now and then without being jumped on for it?

But back to the real world and I've half an hour before I pick the kids up so I'll finish off this last article and leave this thread alone. I've been able to make more sense of why I felt so pissed off now which means I'm able to take control of that and do something about it. It's funny how you look back and wonder how the responsibilties seem to have all landed upon you but I guess it's a gradual thing and you don't notice until it's all written down in front of you.

No offence meant to anyone by the way. I realise I have no real excuse to be that exhausted and I did say I was having a moan. Sorry if I've pissed on your feelings, it wasn't intentional. I'm not a miserable person or a martyr, just having an off-day.

No need to be quite so hurtful you two

I'll piss off now.

come on Rhubarb, you know why your DH doesn't muck in with the family?
it's because he knows you have it covered.

you have happily (i assume) got everything sorted since the DCs have arrived, but now you're tired of it all (and not surprisingly) want him to pitch in.

he won't until you address all the issues with him

smoking pot comes up time and time again in your posts......i get the feeling this is a bigger problem for you than you admit too. and yes, it would be a huge problem for me, even though i have smoked it and done other drugs in the past.

your DH sounds much more like a helpful grown up DS to me.

I have repeatedly said that Inertia - and that that is what she needs to talk to her DH about, not the festival. I have made suggestions for a family compromise, I have asked a genuine questin about why OP is so tired in casethere was something I was missing.

OP I get that you need to vent. That you feel hard done by. That you feel resentful.

But just batting away any comments from people that are not what you want to hear, or refusing to accept that you might be in a position to do something about the situation, is a bit pointless dontcha think?

CurrySpice, I didn't bat away your comments, I answered your question which I have a feeling was put just so you could pooh pooh my idea of feeling exhausted. Well done, I fell into that one didn't I?

Your point about being a single parent. Yes your workload and your life is infinitely more stressful than mine, I get that. However my point was that I am not a single parent and therefore am entitled to expect help from dh. Your point about camping was also addressed and I answered why I feel responsible for the kids when he doesn't.

I have also admitted that I was having a vent and I have said that I will do something about it. So no, the thread wasn't pointless but I apologise if you feel you have wasted your time on it. Send me the invoice.

I didn'tmention that I was a single patent to get at you. I mentioned it after misunderstanding your comment "I'm not a single parent" - I thought you thought that I thought you were. Apologies.

I have repeatedly said you should speak to your husband about the inbalance which is clearly there - if you go back and reread what I said

I have also said that venting on this thread has been useful for you and was glad about that

And I get back snippy posts like that. Oh well. I was genuinely tryimg to help

Sorry, I know people have said this but why don't you all go? It'll be fun. I'm taking my 8mo to her first festival next month and plan to go to one each summer with her!

Well, tbh, OP, I didn't think you were being unreasonable to be complaining about the festival.

Much less everything else. The man has form for swanning off when it's least convenient (one day after you had a baby with a 3 year old to look after as well - he'd be lucky if he was still married to me!) and this is another example.

I'm not saying he doesn't have the right to time for his hobbies and his freedom and what have you. He does, just as OP does. I am (and it might be a bit radical here) saying that he doesn't have the right to time whenever he feels like it and be damned how many issues that may cause for his wife.

OP, tell your husband no. Tell him no silly back yard camping trip either (which unless I'm missing something, will be the week before his festival trip, so he gets two weekends back to back). Take the £200 he's going to spend plus whatever you'd spend on the camping trip and book a weekend away for all of you the weekend of his festival.

Because to me, you're right. He doesn't have the right to that time at that point because it's causing you issues. And he doesn't have the right to the money if there's important things you need to spend it on for all of you. If this was his only chance to see this band, ever, or if this was his only break this year, I might feel differently, but it's not and it hasn't been. Enough's enough.

He should want to spend time with you and the kids. He should want to help out. He should want to see his kids having fun in a theme park or on a beach instead of getting pissed and stoned at a festival. Why doesn't he?

I think your marriage is totally out of whack and understand how you are feeling. If you worked outside of home you wouldn't be expected to take care of the children as well at the same time. You are being exploited and treated unfairly. Money should be split into funds for family/ househo,d expenditure and then what is left- is disposable income and split down the middle. Before he makes arrangements he needs to check that there is money spare.
Re the lack of time with the children, it sounds as if you need to force the issue. Take yourself off at short notice and make him do his share. You don't need anyone around to do this, just find things that you want to do without worrying about the needs of others. It will get you into a better mindset.
You are not being unreasonable at all to demand more equality in your relationship and failing which, remove yourself from it altogether. It's not as if you need him for back up and then at least he would HAVE to pitch in independently in raising his children. You might want to make this option clear to him.......
Have you considered that he might be on the spectrum because he doesn't appear to understand the needs of others. Good luck.

I'm with AuntieMonica re:pot smoking, especially where there are kids around. Do you suspect him of smoking it at any other times than just socially?

I think it is unreasonable not to acknowledge that working from home is just as time consuming as working outside the home. It is unreasonable to spend money on trips while the DC get no holiday. One day, the DC will simply use their dad as a money supply and a taxi service, because they will conclude that is all he is good for. They won't have much of a relationship with him because he has made little effort to have one with them. When they are older teens, it could be nil.

From your posts, OP, I get the impression of DH as a man who has never really let go of batchelorhood, or come to terms with being a parent, or learned to put others before himself. I hope I'm wrong.

He gets away with it because you let him. In your position I would be ditching the camping with 'friends' in favour of camping just the four of you, with him making a real effort to socialise with you all and doing things as a family, and talking together. This could be a sort of holiday for the DC. You could use the money he would have spent on this festival. I think if he gives a damn about you and the DC he will agree to this.

"Have you considered that he might be on the spectrum because he doesn't appear to understand the needs of others."

I have been wanting to ask that question as well. Hope you don't mind us asking Rhubarb.

Lipstickgal, yes he probably is on the spectrum, that has been raised before.

Curryspice, sorry I saw it that you were just trying to make me out to be a miserable burning martyr. I took all the helpful advice thank you and had already stated that I intended to talk to him about it.

Anyway, something that just happened that has cheered me up IMMENSELY. On the way to school this morning a little girl rode into the river (only shallow), I saw her and ran to help. She had gone right over her handlebars and into the water but had stood up herself to get out. The parents of this girl always seemed rather rough, he spends most of his time bawling at them and is covered in tattoos whilst she ignores everyone. So I helped her out and led her to her father, she was in shock and very very wet. Her bike was still in the river.
I thought no more about it and when dh came back this morning for a brew and told me about his festival plans I got caught up in that. Just been to pick the kids up and this girl's mum comes up to me with a box of chocolates and a card. She got very emotional and we ended up both hugging and crying . Turns out it's the girl's 6th birthday tomorrow. She'd hit her head when she went under and cut it fairly badly, which I didn't notice and had been treated for shock and checked over. She was terribly grateful to me and I was terribly embarrassed as I really hadn't done anything. But we had a good chat and it made me realise that no matter how scary people look, they are all human and sometimes the nicest of people too. So now I feel really quite uplifted

Anyway, back to the point in hand. His timing is a bit shit. We've had a lot on our plate recently with moving house, me starting as self employed etc etc and I feel we could ALL do with a break and not just him. I have taken all the advice on board, even and perhaps especially the criticisms and I realise that if I want him to do more I have to ask him to do more and not let it get to the stage where I suddenly realise that I'm stressing out trying to fit everything in and am left with no time for myself whilst he goes swanning off to some festival.

Hope this thread can now end in peace man [stoned smiley face]

girlwhirly, no no not at all. He will smoke it if offered and it's only offered at events like this. To be fair the camping last year was fine and we all enjoyed it but I did have to settle the kids down because, to my shame, whilst all the other kids are used to spending nights under the stars my two are more used to spending nights at Premier Inn! I'm a city girl not a country girl so I don't really 'do' camping. It was ok though and nice to have the kids experience something else.

dh would be fine about me going off somewhere it's just that I don't have anywhere to go and no-one to go with. My fault for moving down here I suppose. What I could do is gatecrash a mumsnet meet-up and book a travelodge or something, so long as I'm not considered too miserable a guest.

I might ask him to come back early on that Sunday so he can help with preparations for school too, even taking the Monday off so he can take ds whilst I take dd for her first day. Emotionally he can be very detached and yes he probably is on the spectrum somewhere, I don't like bringing that up but I know that if I do he does take that on board and agrees that he doesn't always consider us.

Am I the only one wondering wtf visiting Custy is?

Custy is another Mumsnetter, or custardo to use her proper name. We've been mates since we were 12.

Rhubarb - you sound exhausted and understandably pissed off given the imbalance between your kid free time and DH's. Could you do as your DH does for abit of the 6 weeks of the summer holidays and ship the kids off to grandparents for a few days to get a break at some point over the summer too?