Dh wants to go to a music festival the weekend before the kids are back at school

[TheRhubarb]

It's some music festival down in Devon and his favourite band The Fall are playing of whom he has followed since he was about 12 although they are a crock of shite in my opinion.

The only reasons I am against this is because he'll be away 3 nights and will be taking the Friday off work, so we won't see him that entire weekend and I was hoping, as it's the weekend before dd starts secondary school, that we could do something nice with her as a family.

It will cost £145 plus spending money (although he is planning to take food and drink with him). We've just moved house and I could plough that money into any one of the numerous jobs that need doing.

Jealousy. I've never ever been to a festival in my life and know of no-one who would ever go with me, so I'm a bit peeved off that he gets to play at batchelor man at festival whilst I'm at home with the kids all weekend.

Also I do a lot with the kids. I'll be with them for the entire summer holidays whilst trying to juggle my job and I do often take them both away to different cities for a night staying in a Travelodge or Premier Inn as a treat and something they can do with just me, whereas he almost never spends anytime with them by himself.

I know I could book a weekend off to visit Custy, which I plan to do anyway, but this is more than a night out for him.

I can't really say no without feeling utterly childish and selfish but part of me IS utterly childish and selfish! So I am being unreasonable if I said no aren't I?

Animation - I think looking after babies and small children is sometimes as hard as you make it and plenty of people manage to have a life outside of it - but yes it needs to be equal.

What pisses me off StayFrosty is that when he knows it is bad timing he never volunteers to change it because to him it's not a bad time, it's just me being awkward.

So the day after our baby was born at home, I was being awkward. The weekend after we moved into our house and were due to receive visitors, I was being awkward and now after 6 weeks of exhaustion and the vital weekend before a whole new school for dd, I am being awkward. He always manages to make me feel unreasonable, somehow.

CurrySpice - wow, how nice is that - all sleeping through from 6 weeks! Babies are intensive though and I really don't believe time consuming hobbies are appropriate during that time - especially golf!

Back to the OP. I don't know how old her children are but she clearly IS exhausted, and her DP does not appear to be in tune with this fact at all.

That's it exactly, Rhubarb0. DH goes off without a backwards glance- in fact he wouldn't even know in the first place if the children had something on. I go away for a short weekend each summer and I know that DH's mother will be round to 'help'. And he will let her.

He just finds it it easier to compartmentalise. And, I guess if I'm honest, I kind of envy that.

Yes I AM exhausted and no he isn't in tune and thank you so much for understanding my pov

My kids are 10 (nearly 11) and 7. We don't live near friends or family (not his fault I know) so I can't ask anyone for help and so far we've no babysitters.

I shall have words tonight when the kids are in bed. I do need more help during the hols and the kids deserve a holiday. I couldn't spend money on a boozy weekend knowing that the kids haven't been away all summer so I really don't know how he can.

Animation - babies are intensive but very luggable - you can take them along with you anywhere if you're that sort of person. And what counts as a tiem intensive hobby anyway - so male ones are out but female centred 'housey' ones are ok like gardening and cooking - what about going tochurch or voluntary work. I dont think parents time should be as intensively dc focussed as you think actually. I think its a bit martyrish.

Shodan - when I went away to Croatia he shipped the kids off to his mums and had a weekend away himself whilst she looked after them. When he went to Turkey I looked after them myself with no-one to help.

I think they find it much easier to palm the kids onto someone whereas we are racked with guilt just asking! Plus it doesn't help that his mum seemed to react with great surprise that I was having a holiday abroad without them but him going away didn't warrant a mention.

There is only crackhead mate who I think is a dickhead. Most of the others are either bachelors still or are without kids.

I just think he gets more opportunity than me and if I bring this up he'll say "well you go away then, book a week off!" but I've no-one to go with and I can't do that when the kids haven't had a holiday. But trying to get him to understand that would be like trying to talk Jesus to Richard Dawkins.

And we don't have a bottomless pit of money. There are vital things that need doing to the house before winter but he'll tell me to book a family holiday and then worry about the house when it's too late. I try to balance these things.

I think also that it just feels like his life has barely changed. Sure, more money goes out of his account now but in terms of how much he's had to adapt his lifestyle there's very little difference. And the fact that he doesn't seem to feel like it should, irks me. Whether it should or not, it does.

I was lucky yes Animation :)

And OP I think your balance of work in the home doesn't sound very fair.

OP this is a genuine question. Not one meant with any agression or snideyness, but why is looking after an 11 and 7 YO so exhausting? (And I ask this as a single parent to an 11 and 8 YO who works from home for herself)

Yup, know what you mean. Dh can be very lax when it comes to the kids. We are supposed to go camping August bank holiday in the garden of his friends. There are about 30 people all descend in this garden, some with kids and some without. dh can spend all day happily ignoring the kids, walking around talking, drinking and probably smoking pot whilst I'm the responsible one who makes sure they have eaten, washed, are having a good time and get to bed. He'll do things if I ask but then I feel that I'm nagging and not allowing him to have a good time. His argument is that he's worked hard, both with his job and the house and now just wants to chill and if I can't chill then that's not his problem.

I love him to bits and I realise this paints a bad picture of him, but I don't think he sees what I do as work and certainly doesn't realise that I need a break from being a parent too.

Blimey Rhubarb, I can smell the burning martyr from here!! Your kids aren't toddlers. They can ask for food themselves, go to bed when told without you having to check their teeth and and shouldn't need you to ensure they have a good time at a party. I'm beginning to think you enjoy being miserable!

CurrySpice - ok this is a typical day.
7am get up and get them up, washed and breakfasted.
Check their lunchboxes, make sure they have whatever they may need for that day, money etc.
8.20 drive them both to school.

The rest of the day is spent working/shopping/paying bills/checking bank account/DIY/washing clothes/housework.

2.55 drive to school to pick them up.
Sort out letters from book bag, make sure they do their homework.
Usual arguments of no you cannot play on the Wii or Nintendo or watch TV until you've spent some time outside.
I might catch up on some last minute work I haven't had time to do.
5.30 start making tea.
dh comes home at 6pm and we usually eat around 6.30pm.
Then bathtime for kids whilst dh washes up. He puts ds to bed and I do dd. Then make packed lunches for the next day, make sure uniforms are clean and sort out any bits they need for school.

During the hols it's worse because they are constantly in and out, asking for drinks, money for ice-cream, arguing, saying they are bored and because I write articles I need undisturbed peace to concentrate. So I end up getting up at around 6am and working until they come down, which in the case of ds can be 6.30am. Then I'll work during the evening once they are in bed.

Does that answer your question?

I agree with CurrySpice. How hard can it be?

(single parent of 11yo boy and 10yo girl, before you tell me I can't possibly have any idea)

Ok x-posted.

That's not what I would call particularly hard

CurrySpice, when you are camping with a bunch of people you hardly know you can't expect to just leave the kids to their own devices. The 7yo cannot walk across an acre of garden at night to put himself to bed.
I won't apologise for my kids being a bit clingy in strange surroundings. As their mother I do my best to make sure they feel safe, secure and happy.

It's not always been like this. When I actually went out to work dh did a lot more, but now I work from home I seem to have shouldered all the household responsibilities.

Yep, that's my day too. Without anyone to do the washing up or put one to bed

I'm struggling to see exhaustion written all over that TBH

I also have to cope with 4 weeks out of 6 of the summer holidays alone with no family within 150 miles.

You are feeling very put on and resentful (of DH and the kids TBH) I can tell that but really, I think you need to drop your shoulders, have a chat with DH about how you feel, and take him up on his offer to let you go away when you like. (who looks after hem while yo're away makes no odds to you - it's not a competition you know - his "suffering" doesn't have to equal yours!)

No? All day every day when you are NOT a single parent?

This is about him taking his fair share of the burden. I don't get weekends off or paid holidays or even sick pay. I work 7 days a week and all through the school holidays. But that's not hard work?

I didn't say you have to neglect your kids when camping FGS OP so don't put words in my mouth thank you.

They can certainly come and find you if you're hungry, and play without you hovering over them surely!

I could go all competitive 'my life is harder than your life' on your arse, but I'm not going to.

If you think you have it hard, nobody can tell you otherwise. But personally I think you're making it harder than it needs to be.

Yeah you're right, I'm just being petty. Of course he should have as many weekends as he likes whilst I play the part of a single parent. I feel silly now for having a moan when you put it like that!

I'll put my pinny on and get his slippers ready for when he comes in.