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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not date a man who won't tell me what he does for a living?

122 replies

SpareOhs · 22/06/2011 10:22

I think I know the answer to this but just want to check with the MN Jury Smile

Have been emailing with an apparently-normal bloke on GSM for a week or so. He ticks many boxes - at least from what I can tell from his profile.

But... a couple of days ago we were talking about jobs, and all he would tell me was that he worked 'in government'. That's it. Wouldn't divulge anything more, even when I started to gently take the piss about the fact he was being so cloak-and-dagger about it.

That's a big red flag, isn't it? Surely even if he did have a genuinely 'sensitive' job he'd have a mundane and believable cover story, right?

Or have years of fruitless online dates finally tipped my paranoia-ometer way into the red?

OP posts:
redwineformethanks · 22/06/2011 10:24

I agree if he really worked in MI6 he would have a believable cover story. My bet would be that his job is a bit mundane and he wants to elaborate and make himself sound more interesting

Numberfour · 22/06/2011 10:24

I would move on! I dated a man who supposedly had some mysterious job that he would not tell me about. I am SO embarrassed that I fell for some of the crap that he told me.

If it is true in your case, do you want to be with someone who cannot talk about what they do? If it is not true do you want to be with a wanker who lies about what he does?

Lady1nTheRadiator · 22/06/2011 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Folicacid · 22/06/2011 10:25

I think it's okay not to be completely open about that. Speaking from personal experience, if I was to give my name and employer I would be instantly 'findable' on the internet and would feel a bit exposed to someone that I've just been chatting to on the net.

I wouldn't put it down as a red flag just yet.

SummerRain · 22/06/2011 10:26

He sounds as if he's taking his lead from the Barney Stintson guide to dating; Let the woman believe you're a secret agent and her knickers will fall right off her in lust Hmm

Twat. Dump him.

babybarrister · 22/06/2011 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrSpoc · 22/06/2011 10:28

He is living a lie and wants you to belive he is an international spy. Its bollocks.

If he worked for GCHQ or M15/M16 is he allowed to tell you but would be restricted in what he can and cannot tell you about his doings.

I also know from experiance that if he is true he would not be boasting about it, infact he would just say I have a boring office job or something to that effect.

Original poster
SpareOhs · 22/06/2011 10:31

I suppose that's a fair point, folicacid. Hadn't considered that...

He does seem generally quite cautious about stuff, though the job thing is the only time I've actually thought Hmm. He was, for example, very clear about wanting to take things slowly because he has a young daughter and he didn't want to be introducing her to dates too early, etc.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/06/2011 10:31

Working 'in government' probably means he cleans telephones at the council offices.

Original poster
SpareOhs · 22/06/2011 10:32

Yeah, just to clarify - I don't for one moment believe he is actually an international spy! Grin

OP posts:
pigletmania · 22/06/2011 10:34

He docent have to reveal his employer, just a bit about what he does. That would put me off

LuckyMrsT · 22/06/2011 10:35

He's probably a policeman. Police don't usually flaunt what they do as not everyone's a fan. Give him a chance.

fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 22/06/2011 10:35

If he was a spy or something he'd have a cover story (I have a friend who works for MI6 and he tells people he's in customs)

Like in Northern Ireland in the times of the troubles, all the policemen were firemen Grin

Also, he'd just tell you the boring cover story at the start.

He's not a spy. He's a knob.

cwtch4967 · 22/06/2011 10:36

I'd be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt - he could just be being cautious about giving away too much info. Meet up and see how you feel after chatting in person - he could be a total prat, he may have a mundane job and doesn't want to put you off - he may even be Mr Right! I met my DH on match.com - you can't really know someone until you meet up.

knittedbreast · 22/06/2011 10:36

i dont know i used to ask my dp what he did and although he could say "engineer" he still cant really say what he did there. he worked at the highest rank of security clearance, it may not be shit.

give the benefit of the doubt

Butterbur · 22/06/2011 10:36

People I know who work for the MoD say just that - they work for the MoD, but can't, and don't say any more.

This secrecy is very suspicious.

LisasCat · 22/06/2011 10:38

I once started dating a guy who was very reluctant to reveal information about himself. Anything I asked him, he'd give a vague answer and turn the question back on me. The one thing I did know was his job, because he worked in a bar and that's where I'd met him. My friends started to joke that he was clearly a mass murderer and I was his next victim.

However, he just didn't feel comfortable talking about himself. He wasn't very happy with his life, wanted to be doing something better, not still be living with his family, etc. I think he was particularly low about living in a university city surrounded by people training to do high-flying careers while he thought his prospects were rubbish.

Over time he opened up a bit more and, even though it didn't go anywhere between us, we're still friends 10 years later. And he wasn't an axe murderer and didn't try to kill me.

So I don't think it's necessarily a red flag - just a sign that this man doesn't yet feel comfortable revealing too much about himself, either for privacy reasons or self-esteem issues. Give him a bit more of a chance.

zookeeper · 22/06/2011 10:38

This definitely would - and should - have my alarm bells ringing. And why spend so long emailing?? Get his phone number and have a chat - if he still won't tell you run for the hills. In any case you'll know immediately if you'll get on - one phone chat is worth 100 emails IMHO.

Lulabellarama · 22/06/2011 10:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Folicacid · 22/06/2011 10:39

I think he's checking you out as much as you are him and I wouldn't worry about it until you meet. Not telling you a bit more about what he does then in person with someone he is interested in would be odd.

The other thing he could be doing is trying to weed out the women with pound signs in their eyes and maybe your probing into his job makes him think that status and jobs and money are really important to you (which they may well be).

But until you meet him and find out more we're all just making it up really!

zookeeper · 22/06/2011 10:39

bit there's vague and vague. This is, well, too vague Grin

iMemoo · 22/06/2011 10:39

I know somebody who works with sex offenders and she is very secretive about what she does because she often gets a lot of negative comments once people find out.

BeerTricksPotter · 22/06/2011 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TotemPole · 22/06/2011 10:40

'In government' Hmm

He's using it as a cover for Used Car Salesman, think True Lies & Bill Paxton weeing himself. Then ask yourself do you want to go on a date with a man like this.Grin

Original poster
SpareOhs · 22/06/2011 10:41

Well, I don't think a week is that long to be emailing - it's not every night, anyway! But he has now asked me out for a drink which is what's prompted the AIBU.

(Fwiw, I disagree slightly about phone calls anyway - I don't think they tell you anything :bitterandtwisted;)

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