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Original poster

to not date a man who won't tell me what he does for a living?

122 replies

SpareOhs · 22/06/2011 10:22

I think I know the answer to this but just want to check with the MN Jury Smile

Have been emailing with an apparently-normal bloke on GSM for a week or so. He ticks many boxes - at least from what I can tell from his profile.

But... a couple of days ago we were talking about jobs, and all he would tell me was that he worked 'in government'. That's it. Wouldn't divulge anything more, even when I started to gently take the piss about the fact he was being so cloak-and-dagger about it.

That's a big red flag, isn't it? Surely even if he did have a genuinely 'sensitive' job he'd have a mundane and believable cover story, right?

Or have years of fruitless online dates finally tipped my paranoia-ometer way into the red?

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 22/06/2011 11:43

I used to date a bloke who worked for the govt but couldn't tell me any ore than that. He was some sort of scientist as he had a phd in biochemistry or something. It was all a bit cloak and daggers, when I rang him at work there was an answer machine but it didn't give a organisation name or dept - just said leave a message.

Never did find out what he did but wasn't really a problem. To be honest I don't really know what dh does. He does try and explain but my eyes glaze over. We've been married ten years and I don't even know his job title. I'm not really that interested, it pays well so I'm happy. Grin

electra · 22/06/2011 11:44

YANBU - it sounds odd. If this were ever a relationship you would be sure to find out in the end anyway....

demo · 22/06/2011 12:26

Have you thought that he likes you, and is trying to win you over, and to do that he will have to win over your friends too.
for instance If he said he was a dustman or a grave digger for the local council that may be fine with you but what about your friends and family ?
imagine how a conversation with your best friend would go .
You " I met a nice guy on the internet" Friend "wow what does he look like? where does he live ? what does he do ? " You "Hes really nice tall, fit , he lives in the next town and he's a dustman " Friend "DUSTMAN you can do better than a bloody dustman" Or the same with dustman replaced with "he works for the government " Friend "Cool have you got a photo ? when you meeting him? " haha

itisnearlysummer · 22/06/2011 13:25

When I was younger I went out with a man who told me he had an usually high IQ which meant he was involved with top secret government research projects. I can't remember the details it was a long time ago.

The reality is (as it transpired) he was a heroin user with mental health problems.

Still it could have been true...

Ho hum.

CMOTdibbler · 22/06/2011 13:31

I was once offered a job (I failed the medical for mundane reasons) where I wouldn't have said what I did until I knew somone quite well for various reasons. But I would have said 'oh, I'm a physicist' to the question, rather than the 'in government' answer which always sounds odd, even if true

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 22/06/2011 13:33

I knew someone who was a Tax Inspector who was usually pretty vague about their job when asked as it tended to kill a conversation stone dead especially in a pub frequented by certain self employed professions!

MoreBeta · 22/06/2011 13:39

I'd be willing to bet he is a tax oficer too. Its not exactly a very popular occupation.

Hassled · 22/06/2011 13:42

Parking inspector?
My (adult) DD once dated a guy who was the same re reluctance to divulge job details. We called him the International Man of Mystery. They split up and we never did find out what he couldn't bring himself to tell us - I still dwell on it sometimes.

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 22/06/2011 13:48

He's a traffic warden.

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 22/06/2011 13:57

Oh, and I had a friend who went out with a guy who wouldn't tell her his job (also wouldn't let her visit his flat). Turned out he was a rent boy. Don't mean to scare you...

DogsBestFriend · 22/06/2011 14:13

"I used to date a bloke who worked for the govt but couldn't tell me any ore than that. He was some sort of scientist as he had a phd in biochemistry or something. It was all a bit cloak and daggers, when I rang him at work there was an answer machine but it didn't give a organisation name or dept - just said leave a message."

Shock VivaLaBeaver I have an aquaintance who tells people that same story! If it wasn't for the fact that he's been happily married for the past 15 years and isn't the straying type I'd wonder if it was him.

But, it can't be... unless of course you met your mysterious government biochemist more than 15 years ago and his name begins with an S... :o

LatherRinseRepeatAsNeeded · 22/06/2011 14:14

I'm an auditor and I don't tell people what I do as it's not a well loved career choice.

How long have you been chatting to him and how open has he been about other areas in his life - ie family?

kerala · 22/06/2011 14:17

It wouldnt bother me if he were normal/appealing in other respects. Probably he has a deadly dull job and is trying to impress you which is quite sweet actually.

I did meet a spy at a wedding last year, cousin of our friend that was getting married. She was the perfect spy, female, very nice, utterly forgettable, you would never have guessed she was actually a superbright Spooks type person.

steffanny · 22/06/2011 14:19

my husband has a job that he is not allowed to tell people about so it is possible.

Saltire · 22/06/2011 14:21

It could be military job - the military isn't just soldiers in the front line, or pilots in planes or sailors in ships, there are intel jobs and jobs which could put them at risk if the info about them got into teh wrong hands, and since he doesn't know you that well Yet, he's maybe reluctant to tell

branstonsandcheese · 22/06/2011 14:22

but surely if it's a genuinely secret job you say you do something related but mundane, not "I can't tell you, I'd have to kill you", or words to that effect?

I'm sure I've read about people who tell their loved ones they are in the special forces or are international super-spies but actually work normal jobs and their deception is only uncovered when their loved ones meet someone who actually does the job they claim to and can tell right away they're making it up!

PigletJohn · 22/06/2011 14:23

I believe that if you really do have a secret job it is usual to say "Oh, I'm a civil servant. Lots of paperwork"

I know servicemen who say "I work for the MoD." Almost true.

Making it sound exciting means it is certainly not true.

stubbornhubby · 22/06/2011 15:02

I believe that if you really do have a secret job you say you work for Universal Export.

PigletJohn · 22/06/2011 15:04

I recognise James Bond when I see him!

MoreBeta · 22/06/2011 15:11

People like this have a normal job they go as a cover and happy to talk about. What they can't usually explain is sudden absences from that job.

AnyFucker · 22/06/2011 15:46

I wouldn't tell anyone that I've never met specifically what I do for a living either !

mamofK · 22/06/2011 15:47

Anyone who is open enough to do an online dating thing - but still won't reveal information about job and wants to take it slow wrt dating/meeting up screams "Married but thinking about cheating" to me.

branstonsandcheese · 22/06/2011 15:51

Giant difference between "I do [vague ballpark job area], nothing to write home about", or even "I'd rather not get into that sort of detail before we've even met!", and "I work in government.... but I can't say more than that, I don't want to lie to you".

Sounds like he wants to sound more interesting than he is TBH.

VivaLeBeaver · 22/06/2011 16:12

DogsBestFriend - it was well over 15 years ago that I was dating the biochemist. Nearer 20 years ago. His name was Stephen!!!!!!!!!!

Sassybeast · 22/06/2011 16:12

I dated someone who was initially very cagey about his job. Turned out that he was a highly skilled craftsman with his own business and he'd had a few bad experiences with women literally gold digging Grin He turned out to be a perfectly, normal, lovely guy and we are still friends.

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