to not date a man who won't tell me what he does for a living?

[SpareOhs]

I think I know the answer to this but just want to check with the MN Jury

Have been emailing with an apparently-normal bloke on GSM for a week or so. He ticks many boxes - at least from what I can tell from his profile.

But... a couple of days ago we were talking about jobs, and all he would tell me was that he worked 'in government'. That's it. Wouldn't divulge anything more, even when I started to gently take the piss about the fact he was being so cloak-and-dagger about it.

That's a big red flag, isn't it? Surely even if he did have a genuinely 'sensitive' job he'd have a mundane and believable cover story, right?

Or have years of fruitless online dates finally tipped my paranoia-ometer way into the red?

Does he look like Lucas North? If so give me his number please.

Lulubella - I did actually ask him if he was secretly David Cameron

He said no, Nick Clegg...

SmallPrint... I wish

No, YANBU OP! That would freak me out a bit. I don't see why he needs to be all cloak and dagger about it. You've only been emailing for a week, sounds like a bit of an odd one if you ask me. It's probably taken a week for him to concoct a story about how he's a double agent or something when he takes you for a drink. Plenty more lovely people out there!

I always think of dating in terms of how many red flags go up. I would give him a chance, at least of a chat on the phone, but if anything else odd came up, I would move on.

One slightly 'odd' thing could be for a lot of reasons (e.g. embarrased about job, job title is very specific and he doesn't want you looking him up on the web etc). Give him a chance to explain a bit more in conversation.

he has a job tha he's slightly embarrassed about

• perhaps he thinks it's low status and revealing it will put you off (bin-man)
• perhaps it is high status, and he thinks that will put you off,
• perhaps it's a job that he thinks you simply won't beleive on the internet.. like what if says test-pilot or brain surgeon.. you might snort and delete the email
• perhaps he's moderately famous and doesn't want to reveal who he is until he trusts you

Status and money and jobs not in the slightest bit important to me, btw. Although I'm hoping he does actually have one, if that doesn't make me sound too mercenary...

Personally, I'd risk one date (obv in a public place and with a friend knowing where I am, etc) and see if he opens up some more. If he's relatively new in a minorly sensitive position then he may not yet have developed a comfortable manner in brushing off innocent questions. I know tax inspectors who are similarly reticent. If he doesn't open up then revert back to the knobber explanation and ditch!

Seriously OP, there are lots of valid reasons why he's being vague about what he does. Meet him for a drink, in a public place, make sure people know where you are and make sure he knows people know where you are.

'In government' could mean anything.

He's got a boring office job and doesn't want you to take the piss. Don't read too much into it, just get his number and at least talk. Or meet in person.

Don't let some reticence about a job put you off, he has at least told you that he has a daughter - he can't be that much of an axe-murderer.

I'd also say that meeting on GSM is a better start than PoF or the like, or am I wrong to assume that he's likely to be fairly intelligent and likely to share your political views?

I wouldn't say it was a red flag quite this early on but there are ways of saying what your occupation is without revealing all the details - "a civil servant", "local government officer", "in the public sector" all sound less mysterious (and potentially less bullshitty) than "in government" which says precisely nothing. I wonder how much he might plan to use his young daughter as a useful means of avoiding commitment, though.

I think give him the benefit of the doubt for a public date - my Mum works in a government office as small-fry and whilst she's happy to divulge the department I know there are senior people who aren't happy to casually say so. He may work for a sensitive area and be worried about reporters (e.g. if he's working on the health 'reforms' at the moment)... far-fetched maybe, but not unlikely.

I think wanting your future boyfriend to have a job is sensible, not mercenary!

'In Government' is probably code for 'On Benefits'

Traffic warden!
Doesnt want to put you off...

I know someone who 'works in government'. He wouldn't tell you, yet, what he does. Give it time as it doesn't necessarily mean he is hiding anything (just doesn't want to divulge it yet to someone he doesn't know!).

RoseC - I do work in a frontline role for the NHS so, maybe...!

OK, so I think general consensus is yes to the date (public place, of course)?

It's an Internet thing, I think. There are some occupations where you want to be cautious about acquiring crazies and stalkers. E.g. Tax enforcement, council bailiff, benefit investigator, MP expense administrator, Olympic committee, social worker involved in high profile case - all might potentially trigger intrusive interest.

I worked in a fairly dull government role, and they were quite big on advising us not to get drawn into conversations with potential journos (down to having a a form of words provided to fob off unsolicited calls to the press department).

Talk to him.

Erm I don't think anyone can shout 'red flag!' unless they've actually got some experience of this!

My Dad worked for a high level gvt department and could never tell anyone what he did, not even my mum who'd also signed the OSA.
Rules have been relaxed over the years and by the time he retired we knew a little more about what he did but not that much.

Spooks will have marvellous cover stories but there are far more people working at M15, M16 and GCHQ who aren't involved in all the flashy stuff but are still unable to actually talk about what they do.

Give this man the benefit of the doubt for the time being and don't bring the topic up again. If he doesn't bring it up either then you've got the real deal. If he keeps dropping it into conversation to lure you into asking him again then he's probably just an attention seeking chancer.

blimey if it was Nick Clegg, he would deffo want to hide his identity lol

it could be really really bad : he could be a banker.

It's probably David Cameron.

Have just found the message:

Then I joked about him being a spy/David Cameron, and he changed the subject.

OK, will give him the benefit of the doubt. Very interesting thread, thanks MN!

My best friend works 'in government' but for one of those departments that takes ages to explain, and even then you can't exactly work out what it does, and a voice at the back of your head is muttering so, this is what all my taxes are going on?

It could be that. Or he could be a tax inspector, or something that makes people ask him boring questions about the bin collections.

I have a friend who used to be an investigator for benefit cheats. She was always careful who she told to avoid abuse from acquaintances or strangers.

I don't think it's a red flag at all, it might be that he's more than happy to tell you about it when he's met you face to face. I can see why people don't want to reveal too much about themselves to a relative stranger, just as you wouldn't lambast someone on here who didn't want to reveal their job or employer.

If he refuses to tell you even after a date or two I would wonder if I could really be arsed with such claok-and-daggerishness.

The people I know who work in jobs where they need high level security clearance usually don't have exciting cover stories, they try to make themselves sound as boring as possible. This guy sounds more like he might be an MP/policy aide/spin doctor/civil servant in a govt department.