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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not date a man who won't tell me what he does for a living?

122 replies

SpareOhs · 22/06/2011 10:22

I think I know the answer to this but just want to check with the MN Jury

Have been emailing with an apparently-normal bloke on GSM for a week or so. He ticks many boxes - at least from what I can tell from his profile.

But... a couple of days ago we were talking about jobs, and all he would tell me was that he worked 'in government'. That's it. Wouldn't divulge anything more, even when I started to gently take the piss about the fact he was being so cloak-and-dagger about it.

That's a big red flag, isn't it? Surely even if he did have a genuinely 'sensitive' job he'd have a mundane and believable cover story, right?

Or have years of fruitless online dates finally tipped my paranoia-ometer way into the red?

OP posts:

Pumpernickel10 · 22/06/2011 16:15

Go on the date,you'll never know if you don't.
As for goverment he may be a soldier or work for MOD or a copper.
You never know.

Mandy2003 · 22/06/2011 16:17

Maybe he's a JobCentre clerk like the serial killer Dennis Neilson?!

PredictableDullard · 22/06/2011 16:19

oh maybe it is nick clegg an dhe is really embarrassed

Suncottage · 22/06/2011 16:27

Be wary. I agree with many of the posters above.

If his job really was hush hush you wouldn't know it. He would have a cover story off pat and it would be so dull you would have to physically uncross your eyes after two minutes.

In my experience the truly interesting types are the most unmemorable - they know what they do and have the confidence in themselves not to have to crow about it.

ILoveYouToo · 22/06/2011 16:33

SpareOhs you must go on a date with him now and find out what he does (or whether he continues to not tell) so that you can come back here and tell us!

Also, I really want to know whether Stephen the mysterious biochemist is the same man with the initial S!

PigletJohn · 22/06/2011 16:53

Embalmer, perhaps.

Stephenthemysteriousbiochemist · 22/06/2011 16:54

I am not S, not S at all. We are completely different people.

revolutionscoop · 22/06/2011 16:56

An ex of mine worked at the Ministry of Defence, and would never divulge anything at all about his work; except that he worked at the MOD. I found it very annoying, albeit understandable.

Truffleshuffler · 22/06/2011 16:57

SpareOhs please be careful and make sure he's not this guy

microserf · 22/06/2011 16:59

hmm. i would give him the benefit of the doubt for one or two dates. i wouldn't be very keen to tell internet dates my name and details of my employer.

plus a mate's husband actually does work in intelligence. at the boring low end of it, nothing very exciting. i only know because of gossipy mates, he never mentions it.

MuthaHubbard · 22/06/2011 17:19

sorry but i don't tell guys i'm chatting to on the interweb where i work either - not a secret agent and if i told them my job title they would also know where i work.

BeeBread · 22/06/2011 17:37

I know someone who is an M15 advisor to the cabinet re terrorism. He openly tells us what he does, that he works with spies etc (obviously without the nitty gritty). He has to endure much leg pulling about spooks etc but he manages the situation without going all cloak and dagger on us.

On the other hand, when the DH of a friend of mine was contracted to provide some kind of IT services for the Ministry of Defence he had to be totally hush hush. Drove his wife crazy - she couldn't get a thing out of him about where he was going, how he had spent his day.

So..... dunno really

JoySzasz · 22/06/2011 17:43

It might just be that he is ashamed of what he does.

My poor DH has this problem, as he has always had nice jobs before this (whatever nice jobs are ? )

Now he hates socializing because of it.

wishingchair · 22/06/2011 17:44

Hmm - I have a friend who works for the MoD and that's all she's allowed to say.

BeeBread - should your friend be telling you so much?!

MoreBeta · 22/06/2011 17:52

There are parts of my previous jobs I couldn't talk about and most civil servants sign the Official Secrets act but most people can give a vague idea.

Sometimes people who are very wealthy but don't want to say that will just say 'I work for the Govt' because they pay a lot of tax.

BalloonSlayer · 22/06/2011 18:00

He could work for the CSA and be worried every single mum he meets will start moaning about her ex and how little he pays her.

My Friend's husband works for the Government. I couldn't tell you what he does and the last time I asked her, she told me but I was none the wiser. Civil servants in central government get moved from department to department quite frequently.

BalloonSlayer · 22/06/2011 18:01

not that I am implying that all single mums do that, I mean that if you work for the CSA it must bring out the worst stories from everyone, like being a Doctor makes people tell you about their ailments.

Realitystrikesback · 22/06/2011 18:05

He might be a tax man or baliff or something

Original poster

SpareOhs · 22/06/2011 19:47

@ this thread

Of course I understand that you have to be careful giving out info on the net. I tell people my job title but not what hospital I work in, for example. But it's the 'can't tell you' (because then I'd have to keeell you) aspect.

Anyway, I'll keep you posted re: dates!

OP posts:

springydaffs · 22/06/2011 20:15

I've got a good friend who also works for the 'govt' and she can't tell me what she does. I just know she is picked up in a taxi to the train station and goes to London to work - central london apparently (taxi at the other end). She is very good at evading direct questions and it isn't until you're at home that you realise she didn't answer. Maybe he's not very good at being evasive in such direct contact - at least he said he couldn't lie but tbh he's made it more mysterious than ever!

my friend's husband is an artist and is also mysterious about what he does. I think he's caught it from her.

clappyhands · 22/06/2011 20:50

wellllllllll, my DH was like this at the beginning :)
all to do with being one of the top ones in europe at the time :)

was all innocent enought - i just think he didn't want me to pre judge him iftms?

he has a great job by the way and i never could have imagined the life i have now with him

[away to slap oneself for being a complete mush on a wed night lol]

Ivortheengine8 · 22/06/2011 20:52

Is he British?

Original poster

SpareOhs · 22/06/2011 21:04

Yes, I think so Ivor. Why do you ask?

OP posts:

Ivortheengine8 · 22/06/2011 21:09

It probably has no relation to this guy but I have been in a situation before where the guy was wanting to get together with me to get a work visa and documents. If he is working and doesnt have the right to work maybe he would keep it to himself. This type of thing happens alot but is usually from individuals wanting to stay more permanently in the UK.

Sorry, that sounds really long winded but you get the gist?
I am sure you would be able to tell though from accent/written English etc

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 22/06/2011 22:49

Come back Viva and tell us if S is Stephen!

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