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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boarding school at four years old?

247 replies

mightybright · 19/06/2011 19:17

SIL works for the MOD and BIL is in the navy. We were at their house on the military base today and she told me that her neighbour has put her 4 year old daughter into boarding school. I said 'four, that's young' and SIL completely freaked out then stormed away from the table.

I'm not judging their neighbour, I don't even know her, I just said it was young which perhaps in hindsight was insensitive but I do feel she overreacted, aibu?

OP posts:
brass · 20/06/2011 08:53

I can't imagine being a parent and only having the children at weekends or school holidays.

I know some parents live like this but they've usually had to go through a divorce to get to this point.

I can't imagine 'choosing' this arrangement for my family.

Original poster
mightybright · 20/06/2011 09:37

I think it might be this school

OP posts:
meditrina · 20/06/2011 09:42

mightybright: don't think so - if you look at its fees page boarding starts at 8 years. 4-7 year olds are day pupils only.

TandB · 20/06/2011 09:53

No idea, I'm afraid. It was in/just outside Whitby and I think it might have been attached to a convent. I seem to remember nuns.

Definitely had four year olds boarding though. We went round the boarding houses and I remember people asking the matron if the young children got upset at night.

brass · 20/06/2011 09:58

OP as to why your SIL got upset. Is it something they could be considering? Do they have DC of their own?

Your reaction may have hit a nerve.

meditrina · 20/06/2011 10:12

kungfupanda - thanks! I've been googling, and (unless someone local can come up with a further lead), the only boarding school near Whitby is Fyling Hall (7+).

I wonder if the school you're thinking of is Sneaton Castle? It seems to fit your description, but it closed in 1999.

zlaya · 20/06/2011 10:15

TheBride, yes boarding schools are full of children from from broken homes, dead parents, drunks these people can really afford to send there children to top boarding schools in the country, PLEASE!!!!! And if they are such children in top barding schools then I am all for it, but not at the age of four and those children make up a very, very small minority, would you agree? No use trying to make it sound as if boarding school are"accessible to everybody" cos they simply are not, if they where, we as a nation will have a lot less trouble with delinquency, teenage pregnancy, substance abuse, drinking under age and all the rest of it that makes us toilet of Europe when it comes to our youth.

TheBride · 20/06/2011 10:15

The bottom line is that more people are biologically able to have children than are able to be good parents, and, contrary to what the DM likes to peddle, poor parenting/ not being able to cope is not the exclusive preserve of the working classes.

Going to boarding school at 4 is not ideal, but it may be the lesser of the two evils, depending on what the alternative is. If the alternative is living with your bi-polar trustafarian mother who cant get out of bed some days/ out of the pub on the other days, maybe it's not looking so bad.

Some children have a shit time at BS. Some children have a shit time living with their biological parents. Sad, but true.

Original poster
mightybright · 20/06/2011 10:53

I really don't know which one it is then, we live in the South West so I assume it's one around this way. Maybe the school made a special allowance due to the circumstances or maybe she is 4 and she has enrolled her to start in Sep when she is 5???

OP posts:
Gooseberrybushes · 20/06/2011 11:00

Agree with Grabaspoon. I know plenty of very loving parents who sent their children to board at seven. It doesn't mean they are not loving. They may be moving heaven and earth to give their children what they consider the best start in life. There are many parents around the world who send their children away to what they consider a better future and it is a sacrifice of the time they would spend together.

Boarding was not for our family. It was an option and we rejected it, in hindsight it may well have been a mistake in some ways. I couldn't do it. But it doesn't mean it's wrong and it doesn't mean the parents aren't loving.

Your sil thinks you are judging and have no basis to judge so she was oversensitive about an innocuous comment. It's true that unless you have the experience which makes this a possibility in your life, it seems inconceivable. It is to me but then, none of us are her.

knittedbreast · 20/06/2011 11:02

pf course its wrong. why have a child if oyu are going to send them away to be raised elsewhere from age 4.

Gooseberrybushes · 20/06/2011 11:24

Are people actually trying to identify a school and so maybe a four-year-old child and her mum?

meditrina · 20/06/2011 11:41

Gooseberrybush: that wasn't my intention (hence my suggesting in one post that names be by PM - and I wouldn't post the name of a school which did, for the very reason you suggest) . I would however confirm if I found one.

But frankly I don't think that eventuality will arise - there just are not schools in UK any more which take 4 year old boarders.

Gooseberrybushes · 20/06/2011 11:42

oh ok as you were Smile

PrudenceNightly · 20/06/2011 11:43

We were houseparents for 4 years in the UK and our boarding house took children from 5 years old in exceptional circumstances. I am surprised that you are all so against boarding full stop, I think it is the ideal opportunity for you all to get self righteous about things you know nothing about. If boarding was a working class thing you wouldn't sneer so. I don't think age is the biggest factor. The most important thing is this: Some kids can board, some kids can not. I had a five year old who loved school and an 8 year old who had a nervous breakdown. A decent school does not take the kids who shouldn't be there, regardless of the fees or whether their parents apply pressure. We had mainly forces kids and they were on the whole happy. We left because as things started to change financially, the school became less discriminating about who they took and adopted a "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" attitude to retain those kids.
In my opinion the school and simply, the head, is the most important thing. The best and worst schools are because of the head.

lurkerspeaks · 20/06/2011 11:48

I boarded.

I will never understand the antipathy to boarding from those who haven't experienced it or nor been in a family situation where it was desirable.

School was a welcome haven from a shitty home situation for me. I have other friends (ex-pat brats) for whom staying with their parents and undergoing frequent moves would have seriously prejudiced their education.

I would consider boarding for my kids but you need to match the child to the school.

I have friends who are proposing dragging their exam aged daugher round with them on unpredictable postings because they can't 'bear' for her to board. Personally I think risking her ability to get into a good university because mummy & daddy won't part with her or each other is more neglectful than her going to a carefully chosen school. There are several excellent schools within an hours drive of her grandparents house which would be eminently suitable and would ensure she got continuity of education instead of the lottery that there won't be a school in the next place they live teaching the courses that she has started.

expatinscotland · 20/06/2011 11:50

Aw, that is really sad. Poor bairn.

I don't think it's good for children who are not secondary-school level.

knittedbreast · 20/06/2011 11:52

what makes you think those against boarding know nothing about it

maybe we just dont like it

Gooseberrybushes · 20/06/2011 11:57

"I have friends who are proposing dragging their exam aged daugher round with them on unpredictable postings because they can't 'bear' for her to board. Personally I think risking her ability to get into a good university because mummy & daddy won't part with her or each other is more neglectful than her going to a carefully chosen school."

It's a good point. But then it's best not to judge the other way around either: some people see benefits in integrating their children into other school systems and showing them the world and so on and so forth. Some unis might like the idea of it.

Exam aged would be a bit much for me. But you know. I'm not them.

frantic51 · 20/06/2011 12:24

meditrina yes, Sneaton Castle housed St Hilda's RC Convent School until the late 1990s

pingu2209 · 20/06/2011 12:28

Putting a child in boarding school at 4 is very sad, for the parents and the child. I am not anti boarding school at all, I just think that 4 is very young.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 20/06/2011 12:35

meditriana - I'm really sorry this was 5 years or so ago and another life for me, It was near Bristol somewhere but that's as close as I can give you.

In their case the younger brother was desperately lonely with both his elder brothers gone and both mum and dad worked full time (and then some).

LadyFlumpalot · 20/06/2011 13:13

MightyBright - I'm in the South West too and Port Regis just up the road from me boards from age 3 in exceptional circumstances only. They have a large number of forces children, also diplomats, minor royals etc. Maybe this is the school? If so, there would have to be a very good reason why the 4 year old needed to board for her to be accepted.

I would have loved to board when I was younger. Anything to have gotten me away from my parents and the mess they made of my life during their divorce.

meditrina · 20/06/2011 13:21

Port Regis school website says it has boarders only from age 7. No mention of exceptional circumstances. Day pupils can start at 3.

BuntyPenfold · 20/06/2011 13:29

My friend boarded at 4, but it was 3 decades ago.
He had a wretched time, absolutely forlorn.