Boarding school at four years old?

[mightybright]

SIL works for the MOD and BIL is in the navy. We were at their house on the military base today and she told me that her neighbour has put her 4 year old daughter into boarding school. I said 'four, that's young' and SIL completely freaked out then stormed away from the table.

I'm not judging their neighbour, I don't even know her, I just said it was young which perhaps in hindsight was insensitive but I do feel she overreacted, aibu?

Who is talking about 14 year olds?

Weeks on end is hardly the same as parents who have to work and put their kids in daycare or not pay the mortgage.

Some mothers choose to work because they want to- it's not all about "paying the mortgage" and most BS have exeats at least every other weekend- hardly "weeks on end". For someone so "familiar" with house parents, you seem not that clued up on normal boarding routines. I wonder......

Well you didnt put an age limit on your distaste for boarding school- you said "8/12 or whatever".

The vast majority of boarders are secondary age.

my dad went at 7 after his mum died and it fucked him up. 4 is waaaaaay too young

FWIW I've only just turned 24, and graduated from a a top elite UK university last summer, which has something like 80% intake from private school, and 35% intake from full time boarding schools - which is a lot considering something like 0.4% of the general population board. So I am not 'out of date'. In fact a guy I met in my college told me I was the first person he had ever met who HADN'T gone to a boarding school - now how is that providing an accurate, well rounded experience of the world?!

A mum working during the day is not the same as someone sending their child hundreds, often thousands of miles away for weeks/months at a time. I had friends who went to boarding school outside their own country, and then their parents would 'find something for them to do' during the holidays, so they weren't bothered by them during that time either.

In fact, my own, EXTREMELY messed up father went to a boarding school in another country (India) from 8-18. He has no ability to form relationships at all now, and blames his parents for virtually disowning him and sending him away for his entire childhood. We don't get on, he and my mum split up when I was 1 and I see him once every 3 years or so. He could be an extreme case, I guess, but that is where my own view is coming frm.

TheBride.....A large portion of private school students are from overseas....

What makes you think you know more about it that I do? Most boys and girls do not spend the weekend with their parents.

Still sending your children away can't be anything other than sending them away.....however you look at it.

I'm talking about Repton, Harrow, Haberdashers as an example of the places my friends went to.

Yes, some go home on weekends, but some only see their parents for a couple of weeks a year, if that.

I think we all agree that 4 is way too young, unless your mum is really unhinged and you've no other relatives.

YANBU:
I grew up in a military family. I was in the military, my DH is still in the military. We have one DS who is nearly 5 and there is NO way I would ever have considered sending him to boarding school EVER, I left the forces to support and concentrate on him more and I totally understand that it isn't an option for everyone but it was for me.
4 is far too young, they still need you at that age ( and any age for that matter) I just wouldn't be able to deal with the fact that someone would be dealing with things that a parents should be dealing with :))
I would fear that my DS would become a ''stranger'' to me. Just my opinion thats all :)

RELATIVES, BLOOD RELATION TO THE CHILD, what it wrong with roping you own parents and giving them something to do?, often they know better then us there is nothing better then spending time with grandparents it gives a young child insight into there own family dynamic.

Boarding school at 4 years old.

It's like a BIG elephant in the room!

It's just WRONG.

WRONG WRONG WRONG.

It's obvious four is too young.

Hopefully it's not proper boarding.

There should be a warning on the prospectus.

"WARNING - This is harmful to childrens' development !"

I am someone who had a very positive boarding school experience, but I wouldn't want it for a child as young as 4. I think that is far too young for the child to get any of the positives out of the experience, and they would almost certainly suffer all the negatives of homesickness etc.

Was it possible that the child was going to be a day boarder? My school offered day boarding which basically involved a long school day - arriving for breakfast and staying for dinner and the after school clubs with the option of occasionally sleeping over at school. There weren't many day boarders and I think most of them had parents with erratic working hours or shift work.

Or a weekly boarder? Still non-ideal but considerably better than full boarding at that age.

Def. too young, they still need you for everything, I would also be worried about fact if child is removed from family setting so early in life, you just don't get the chance to install any family values, but rather child that get's infilled with institution values. Of course such a child will become a adult one day and will have nothing, no personal experiences to draw from in relation to there own children, it just seems as such a vicious cycle.

OK, so what we now have is an entirely irrelevant thread because NO MATTER HOW HARD PEOPLE LOOK NO-ONE'S FOUND A SCHOOL IN THE UK THAT CURRENT ACCEPTS 4 YEAR OLDS and IN THE LAST CENSUS THE YOUNGEST CHILDREN BOARDING WERE AGED 6 (AND THERE WERE ONLY 7 OF THEM).

Which leaves us with only two possible options to argue about - whether boarding schools can ever be appropriate for primary school children, and whether they can be appropriate for secondary school children (which, as another poster mentioned, make up the vast majority of boarders).

The answer seems to be that it depends on the child and individual family circumstances.

OK, CinnabarRed, does this mean we wasted a lot of time? possibly, but even at age of six, mmmmm, I am not sure.

No more time than on any other MN thread, probably!

So are you are saying to me it's a all big waste of time?

zlaya my youngest child is 3 and my parents are dead how do you suggest I rope them in to give them something to do, hold a seance .

I agree that 4 is too young for boarding but don't assume that everyone has access to family backup.

crapola I'm pretty confident that my son doesn't feel rejected, because he isn't. We love him to bits and he knows that. We have lovely time together when he is home; but he really genuinely loves being at school as well.

You ask why I sent him at 8. It was never plan A but our decision ended up being based upon the following

1. He is an only child. This was not our intention but it was how things turned out. We thought it would be good for him to have more company of his own age.
2. He was miserable at his highly-pressurised London school. The local state schools are not an option
3. I work long hours and my husband is often abroad. We could live without my salary; but I would like to be able to pay school fees without too much scrimping and saving. My parents had NOTHING left over after paying school fees and life was dull. I would also like to provide my son with enough of a financial cushion that he will be able to get through university etc without huge debts.
4. He was getting too old for his nanny and an au pair simply wouldn't have covered the hours we needed.
5. He was spending a couple of hours a day getting to and from school etc.
6. Boarding school leaves him to learn to do his own prep/music practice etc without helicoptering from me.
7. They can't leave the grounds alone; but they have much more freedom than he could have in London: they have 70 acres in which to roam, climb trees etc.
8. He has to learn to rub along with others and the give and take involved in living in a community. Contrary to popular myth they actually learn sensitivity and how to form friendships.

I quite accept that boarding isn't right for all children; but these days they're kind places that suit some very well

I think she means that the initial premise of the thread is wrong (or rather 9 years in the past).

Boarding at age 4 is no longer possible in UK, and doesn't seem to be happening at age 5 either. OP has reported a useful clarification - that the child is now 13.

The numbers boarding at 6 are very, very small (single figures), so it becomes easier to see that there may be genuinely exceptional circumstances.

Dear, ChazsBrilliantAttitude my intention was not to offend, but majority of people would consider extended family as first port of call, surely you agree. With all due respect to your situation, some people almost prefer for complete strangers to look after there children then ever even thinking relaying on there own parents, certainly I do have few friends who went down that route.

Point....I think you are pretty much deluded. Having met a huge number of very fucked up boys who were sent away to boarding schools with bizarre ideas about women I think your decision will come back and bite you in the arse.

I've met some pretty fucked up boys who've never been near a boarding school.......