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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not care if its her wedding/honeymoon, a pregnant woman shouldnt be smoking and drinking?

232 replies

biddysmama · 18/06/2011 23:21

my friend is 11 weeks pregnant, just got married and been on honeymoon. at the wedding she was smoking and drinking and was smoking and(she isnt quitting) drinking on her honeymoon... her last baby stopped growing when she was pregnant and she was induced early. mayb iabu but i really dont like it :(

OP posts:
worraliberty · 18/06/2011 23:23

YABU it's her business.

I don't believe most women who claim they've given up smoking the minute they see the blue line on the test anyway.

Let her enjoy her honeymoon with a few drinks and when she's home, she may act completely differently.

BimboNo5 · 18/06/2011 23:23

YANBU but people will tell you you are being judgey pants etc etc

mree · 18/06/2011 23:23

Nope, I am 16.5 weeks and have always felt bad judging pregnant women when I've never been pregnant. Now that I am, and I know what I've given up and how easy it is when it's for your child, I'm definitely Judgey McJudgerson on this one.

TCOB · 18/06/2011 23:25

That must be so hard to see, and pretty much impossible to get involved in without coming across as judgey. Her body, her rules etc etc but hard nontheless. Will she listen to anybody telling her the facts or has she closed her mind to trying things a different way?

BunnyLebowski · 18/06/2011 23:26

YANBU. She's clearly a fucking moron.

Thanks to being in the garden with dd every day I now get to enjoy the sight of my new neighbour who is at least 7 months pregnant smoke 20-30 cigs a day at her front door (because god forbid she'd let the house she's about to welcome her beloved first-born into smell of smoke Hmm).

millie30 · 18/06/2011 23:26

I don't like the idea that everyone suddenly has the right to make judgements about what a woman does with her own body when she becomes pregnant. It's none of your business IMO.

Icelollycraving · 18/06/2011 23:29

It is her body,however I find it really grim that people continue to smoke in pregnancy.

RitaMorgan · 18/06/2011 23:29

It's totally her own business and her own choice.

But I'd judge too - some people are stupid and selfish and being pregnant doesn't change that.

sunshineandbooks · 18/06/2011 23:29

I stopped smoking when I started TTC. Most of my friends failed. I have yet to meet a pregnant woman who smokes who doesn't hate the fact that she hasn't managed to give up - the guilt, the judging and the anxiety about what might happen are horrible. However, they may appear to not care or to be defiant as a defence mechanism against people judging them.

bejeezus · 18/06/2011 23:30

its not just her own body anymore though is it- isnt it a bit like child abuse?

CBear6 · 18/06/2011 23:30

I know it's everyone's personal choice but bloody hell it makes my judgey pants tighten. Someone struggling to quit but actually making an effort to cut down at least? That's fair enough, I used to smoke and quitting is hard. The odd drink during pregnancy? Fair enough again, it's personal choice and there's a world of difference between the occasional glass of wine and a daily vodka. Someone deliberately drinking and smoking just as much as they did pre-pregnancy and making no effort to curb it? It really gets on my nerves. I can't stop them, I can't say anything because it's their business, but I can bristle about it to myself.

At the maternity unit there are often half a dozen ladies with prominent bumps huddled at the gates, fag in hand. When I was pregnant with DS I was admitted for monitoring and there was a lady on the ward for a long term stay because of multiple problems (baby had an irregular heartbeat, she had GD and pre-eclampsia, low lying placenta) I felt so bad for her because she was desperately clinging to a pregnancy that her body seemed determined to make as difficult as possible for her, yet despite all these problems she was getting through 20 Lambert's a day and openly telling the doctor that smoking had nothing to do with it despite him doing his best to persuade her to quit.

TCOB · 18/06/2011 23:31

millie you are making a rather smug assumption that all mothers-to-be are well-educated and fully aware of the risks, and that any decision to smoke and drink in pregnancy is well-informed and therefore a quite legitimate feminist act. You can't just dismiss ANYTHING a pregnant woman does to her body with a blithe 'her body, so who cares?.' Her friend, the OP, clearly cares. And caring is not the same as being judgey, IMHO.

CBear6 · 18/06/2011 23:33

I did give up smoking the second I saw the line on the pregnancy test, well an hour beforehand if I'm being exact. Was feeling shite, decided it was the fags, decided to pack them in. Got a positive test an hour later and haven't touched a single cigarette since. Three years this November.

mree · 18/06/2011 23:33

I would never tell a pregnant woman what I thought about her drinking/smoking/other selfish dangerous behaviour unless asked, but can't help the way I feel! And if I was asked, I would have to be honest. worraliberty, I am indeed one of those women. The ones who actually don't have even one more smoke after seeing the +PT, not the ones who just say that!

worraliberty · 18/06/2011 23:36

For all anyone knows the woman might just have wanted a few drinks at her own wedding. Unless the OP accompanied her on her honeymoon, I can't see how she could monitor her alcohol consumption.

Same goes for the cigarettes, how does anyone know she hasn't cut right down? Jeez she's in early pregnancy, she might be quit totally by next month!

Where does the judging end? Do we judge fat people for not losing weight before they get pregnant? We all know that obesity can cause untold problems. Do we judge women who choose to work right up until the last week of pregnancy in a stressful job?

The list of judgements to make is endless and should keep those who get pleasure out of judging others, hours of untold fun!

bigfatcath · 18/06/2011 23:36

Millie - it's because if a woman is pregnant AND THEN DECIDES TO GIVE BIRTH and not abort then she should consider the health of the child growing inside that woman. Nine months of smoke free and alcohol free existence compared to a possible lifetime of damage.

If you choose to (hopefully) give birth then it's not just your selfish cravings you should consider but your future offspring.

fluffygal · 18/06/2011 23:39

I had 2 cocktails at my wedding when I was 26 weeks pregnant. Was tee-total for the rest of the pregnancy before and after wedding. I gave up smoking the day I found out I was pregnant with PFB- it is possible.

It is hard not to judge I guess, as its not just the mothers body, its the babies too. My friend is 20 weeks pregnant and is struggling to quit smoking, she knows I don't like it and she is embarassed about it but I never get angry or upset with her, and it doesn't affect our friendship, I still love her!

millie30 · 18/06/2011 23:40

TCOB, I'm not being smug, I firmly believe that women should be given all of the facts and offered support and encouragement if they choose to give up smoking. I'm sure the OP does care about her friend, but many threads on this subject are not caring, only judgemental. Women get called stupid, selfish, bad mothers etc and I don't think that's fair.

DilysPrice · 18/06/2011 23:47

I think that overdoing it because it's your wedding/honeymoon is not OK in pregnancy - the foetus isn't going to be less affected because it's a special occasion. So yes, I'd judge (quietly).

worraliberty · 18/06/2011 23:49

The OP didn't mention overdoing it.

shmoz · 18/06/2011 23:51

YABU. And judgemental. Maybe try being supportive instead?

bejeezus · 18/06/2011 23:54

millie--it is their choice but you cant deny that it IS stupid and selfish

(NB -I say this as someone who gave up as soon as pregnant BUT did have 1 last cigarette at 43 weeks pregnant with a pint of guinness)

LordOfTheFlies · 18/06/2011 23:54

Surely in this day and age there is no-one who is blissfully ignorant of the dangers of smoking/drinking.In general,not just in pregnancy.
I might be being obtuse but I'm pretty sure thats the case, so I can't believe someone could come out with that claptrap.

millie30 · 19/06/2011 00:00

Bejeezus I don't agree that it is necessarily stupid and selfish. You don't know everything about every woman who smokes when pregnant so I don't see how you can make that judgement. Some may just smoke for the hell of it, some may be desperately trying to give up, some may be in horrible situations and smoking as a coping mechanism. I don't feel comfortable making such harsh judgements about women just because they are now pregnant.

worraliberty · 19/06/2011 00:00

Do you know what? I've yet to read a thread that says "I judge my overweight friend for putting her baby at risk"

Yet obesity in pregnancy can cause (for the Mum)

Pre eclampsia
Gestational Diabetes
Increased likelihood of C Section
Increased vulnerability to difficult postpartum recovery

And for the baby...

Macrosoma
Neural Tube Defects
Increased risk of premature birth
and fetal/neonatal complications such as stillbirth, birth defects and shoulder dystocia.

So there's always a reason to judge others if we look hard enough.

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