to not want to have sex?

[choceyes]

DD is over 10 months now, and me and DH hasn't had sex for about a year now

I have absolutely no desire to have sex anymore. I'm sure it's partly to do with breastfeeding and partly to do with looking after DD and DS who is 2.5yrs. I'm absolutely shattered most days by the evenings, and all day DS and DD would have been all over me and I carry DD a lot and DS is quite clingy too since DD was born so he needs a lot of comforting and cuddles and he loves climbing all over me all the time....so I'm all touched out by the evening.

DH once a week or so asks me if we can DTD, we kiss and cuddle but I always say no sex, and DH gets sulky and last night he was quite pissed off and he went out for a walk, and has been in a mood all morning today.

I know a year is a long time and I do feel for DH, but what can I do?? I hate my breasts being touched now, and that was the thing that turned me on the most before breastfeeding, so it's like there is nothing much DH can do to arouse me anymore. And it doesn't help it that usually there isn't much foreplay (there isn't that much time, by the time the kids are in bed and housework is done) and there is always the pressure of sex if we start kissing and cuddling. DH thinks sex is imminent, but I just want some cuddling.

Frankly, the way I am feeling at the moment, I don't care if I don't ever have sex again

Nuttychic - that is my point.

You get togather sex is great (this to me is a main part of the relationship)
Partner changes the rules
You are made to feel guilty and tow the line
You leave and everyone thinks your a cunt

That how i see it anyway

I also think you should be clear with him. In my mind, part of the key to getting your sex drive back, is to get intimate with him. Which means cuddling up on the couch with no pressure. If you can, tell your DH would like a cuddle, but nothing more. If you do want to have sex again you need to start slowly and your DH needs to understand. But he won't if you don't tell him

Have you told him how you feel? Told him your resentments? Told him how it feels when he criticises you?

If not, then that is what you need to do. Tell him everything you have said here. He needs to understand what you are feeling.

Don't assume that he should know, or he must know, or if he loved you he'd know. Tell him. He can then choose whether he wants to do something about it.

I sympathise. Still BFing DD at 9.5 months, she still wakes several times most nights so am knackered and manage sex probably no more than once or twice a month if I'm honest about it. Starting to get better lately though. Still really fancy DH but struggle to switch off from DCs, and post baby body confidence not high. Also sympathise with nagging-re-chores-followed-by-suggesting sex BUT I do my best to occasionally plan a sort of date night (in or out) & attempt to relax & get in the mood. The longer you ignore sex the less you want it I think so best to try to turn it around before it gets harder (as your DH probably wants it more not less as time goes on!).

choceyes - to understand how DH feels, think about this. Suppose you wake up tomorrow morning and you feel a bit thirsty and you ask DH for a drink. He refuses and he prevents you getting to the tap. You keep asking and he keeps refusing. How long would it be before you get angry and upset? How much do you think you would be able to keep up a smiling happy face? After 24 hours do you think you would be willing to help out and be interested in what he wants to talk about? Do you think you might be mostly thinking about how to get a drink?

Sex is natural part of life for most adults. To be told you can't have sex for an indeterminant time by someone AND with no prospect of it ever coming back and be expected to be happy is as unrealsitic as expecting someone to go without a drink of water and be happy.

You need to find a way of giving your husband some form of physical intimacy, it does not have to be penetrative sex but something that allows him to express his sexuality and feel close to you. Either that or tell him you want to end the relationship. It is not your fault your libido went away and you dont have to have sex if you dont want to but it isn't his fault either. You can't demand him be faithful at the same time as condemning him to a sexless marriage for ever. Something has to give.

PintGlass
You said it much better than i could ever have put it so i didnt put it.
But you are right, and in fact i agree with Fabbychic aswell, How can someone who doesnt want to have sex with their DH expect their DH to just abide by those rules and not go elsewhere.....?

PintGlass that is exactly what I was trying to say, only much, much better :)

"i dont want sex with my partner either, i dont think its unsual at all. i you dont want to then dont, its not part o your job."

To all those who say some variant of this, I have to sak the qusetion...."and what do you think the OP's response will be?"

How about if they took an equally hard line, say....

"i want sex with my partner, i dont think its unsual at all. if you dont want to then dont, but I'm going to get some"

Actions have consequences.........

I agree pintglass but would not compare it to water.

Its simple you get to gether as a couple. Part of the is the great sex. If one partner then says, I have changed and no longer want it then that partner should be prepared for the other to leave or get it else where.

Harsh but true.

Thirst is a need, one that absolutely needs attending to and is of vital importance Right Now. Sex is something you share with your partner. It is an act you perform together, not something you give into, submit to or feel obliged to do.

The thing is, if I think perhaps some of you come at this from never having experienced the shame and worry of losing your libido completely post childbirth, you may well find it very easy to say 'you have to do something, you've got to consent, you've got to give your dh something poor lamb'. Well, no frankly. What you have to do, what you owe to yourself and to the man who stood next to you and promised to support you through times precisely like these is to give yourself the attention (and consequently your marriage the attention) it needs to allow you to feel all these natural things again. The hormonal and physical repercussions of having a baby interfere with your natural state. And you can no more force jollity during pnd for a dh who wants to laugh with you than you can the desire to have sex when your libido has vanished.

The op is not condemning her dh to no sex forever, she is not denying him any expression of his sexuality, she is not denying him the opportunity to love her, she's asking for help and recognition. She wants to work towards improving her entire situation. I suggest that consenting to unwanted sex would very much hinder this actually.

OP, you should feel very proud that your honesty has allowed other people to share the same feelings. It's not uncommon and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

You can work at this and you can get there. But your dh taking every kiss and every cuddle as the greenlight for sex is not going to help you. You'll fear and shy away from every intimacy. You need to be very frank with him and I think perhaps Relate could help you. A neutral ground where he can feel less attacked or rejected and perhaps see this for what it is. Something that is NOT your fault and something you do want to change. You can get there. Promise.

ShowOfHands -v Op actually said she did not want sex again and does not even fancy her husband and would also be glad if he fucked off. Not the same as you wrote.

Aah but if you read all of her posts, she doesn't stick to this. She's frustrated, sad, lonely and struggling. I suspect if you read all of her other posts you'll see that she's actually lashing out against the whole thing and does want things to change. Only she can decide exactly how but her feelings are changeable as much as her exhaustion levels and frustrations at the time of posting.

Dont make assumptions about me ShowOfHands - I suspect most of us (I have 4 sons) have had a loss of libido at some point but we didnt just sit back and say "tough". You make the effort or you deal with the consequences.

PintGlass' analogy is brilliant. I think we all get that water is a need and I do suspect if you asked a man, sex is a need to. You cannot argue that its not as you are not a man. When you have a penis - then you can say with certainty that it is not a need. They biologically different to us and I can assure you that I will not have a man telling me what I should and should be because he equally, has no idea.

I think what most of us are saying to the OP is that it wont just get better on its own. You have to realise the importance and decide if you want to be in your marriage. If you do, as hard as it is - you are going to need to make a bit of an effort. The more you do that, the more you will want to.

I said some people Nutty, I didn't say you specifically.

Not everybody experiences such an absolute libido loss and for months/years. And the op isn't saying 'tough' she's on here asking.

And thirst and sex are never going to be equal needs. Nobody died from lack of sex. And I've just asked dh. He said if it was that imperative that he emptied his balls, he has a right hand. So is he the exception to the rule that ALL men need sex or is he just a sensitive husband who would never force me to do something I couldn't face.

No you are right ShowOfHands - nobody died from lack of sex. I wonder how many relationships did though?

As I said earlier - try telling that to the man on your first date and see how many dates you go on. We can argue till we blue in the face the facts are - sex is HUGELY important to a man (and most woman). Arguing and justifying is not going to change that fact.

Personally, I like men. I enjoy them physically and for all that makes them different to a woman. If I was to make a man into a woman and force him to live a life that works for a woman and try make him think and feel like a woman .......well - I should have just married a woman then. But men come with difference and we need to embrace and accept those differences.

Showof Hands - if you said to your husband that you never wanted sex again, i bet he would soon get fed up of his right hand.May even leave you after a year or two.

I think there must be bigger marital problems than just having had a child to not want sex with your husband for such a huge amount of time. I think it is something that comes naturally in a marriage that is going well. You say he doesnt do much foreplay. Does he make sure you orgasm every single time? If not thats probably why you dont want it, as its not satisfying for you.

Also in response to other posters who say men need sex more than women. I think if the sex is good everytime and always ends in orgasm for the woman then a woman will think about it lots and want it lots. It makes sense doesnt it, why would you want to do it if its rubbish for you, and as the op says no/limited foreplay it sounds pretty crap tbh

Yes OP, of course your husband will leave if you don't have sex with him at least once a week, he is man and has no intelligence, marriage is all about sex, it says so in your vows- oh no wait a minute.....

I am glad I have a husband who loves me for me, not because I'm a garaunteed hole.

I think the OP knows it needs to change, hence she's posted about it, and so do I. I tell my OH its not forever, I know it won't be forever and fully intend to work on it. In my own time. As soon as I get any kind of arousals I make the move, its just that at the moment its only happening every 6-8 weeks.

SoH - I suspect you have never been the person in your relationship who has had to live for months/years without sex or very little sex. Unless you have truely lived it you cannot know it. However, you said some words that did ring true.

"She's frustrated, sad, lonely and struggling."

That is also EXACTLY how her DH feels right now. He is not 'the bad man' here. He is at an incredibly low point too. The OP seems more interested in getting a car and a cleaner and a nice holiday than how her husband feels.

I have sympathy for the OP, she is obviously feeling very low. However, i think that she has to take some sort of action if she wants her relationship to survive.
I doubt that so many posters would sympathise with a man who was unable to have sex for whatever reason. I've read posts , whereby a woman has complained that her dh refuses to have sex with her. Cue, a multitude of posters berating the dh for not having sex with the OP and then implying that the OP's dh is sleeping with someone else. Double standards or what.

Has it already been said that depression is one of the top causes of lack of libido? Even if you dont think you could be, judging your own mental state is not easy. I think seeing a gp and having a basic screen for medical causes would at least show that you are willing to take action.

For many men, sex in a relationship is of equal importance as talking and being listened to is for women. Gross generalisation, I know, but I would not be happy in a marriage where I was not experiencing intimacy on some level regularly beyond the sort I get through other friendships, whether that is physical or mental.

Sex does cause hormone (oxytocin) release which increases bonding, so it's true that you can feel more connected if you have sex regularly.

Thank god the father of my kids thinks this is a problem worth working through, rather than fucking off when we don't both have matching libidos.

I'm shocked at some of the comments here. It's up to each individual whether they leave a marriage or work through it, but to suggest that the OP deserves it if her dh shags someone else is baffling