to not want to have sex?

[choceyes]

DD is over 10 months now, and me and DH hasn't had sex for about a year now

I have absolutely no desire to have sex anymore. I'm sure it's partly to do with breastfeeding and partly to do with looking after DD and DS who is 2.5yrs. I'm absolutely shattered most days by the evenings, and all day DS and DD would have been all over me and I carry DD a lot and DS is quite clingy too since DD was born so he needs a lot of comforting and cuddles and he loves climbing all over me all the time....so I'm all touched out by the evening.

DH once a week or so asks me if we can DTD, we kiss and cuddle but I always say no sex, and DH gets sulky and last night he was quite pissed off and he went out for a walk, and has been in a mood all morning today.

I know a year is a long time and I do feel for DH, but what can I do?? I hate my breasts being touched now, and that was the thing that turned me on the most before breastfeeding, so it's like there is nothing much DH can do to arouse me anymore. And it doesn't help it that usually there isn't much foreplay (there isn't that much time, by the time the kids are in bed and housework is done) and there is always the pressure of sex if we start kissing and cuddling. DH thinks sex is imminent, but I just want some cuddling.

Frankly, the way I am feeling at the moment, I don't care if I don't ever have sex again

Well there you go..... You still want sex, a sex life etc

Just not with him

Here here joric

You're wrong joric. Have you read the whole thread ?

Dear Lord this thread is shocking.

OP, I didn't have sex with dh until dd was 9 months old and even after that it was infrequent. I was bfing an awful lot, had quite crippling ptsd (I hated my body) and I felt utterly touched out. I couldn't even wee in peace. DD needed constant stimulation, was always clutching at me, feeding, clinging, crawling on me or physically needing me in some way. When dh showed any interest it just felt like somebody else physically demanding something of my body when it was already knackered and craving space.

But, it couldn't go on. I did have to do something about it. And it took time. I loved and love dh and knew rationally how he must have been feeling. I was utterly honest and upfront, I told him I loved him, I explained that it was all about me. Never once did he raise his voice, become angry, beg or demand. He is my husband, my partner, he understands that what I was going through was utterly outside anything we'd ever been through before. I can tell you a couple of things that helped. One, cutting down on bfing eventually made an enormous difference to my libido. BFing is an utter libido killer for some women. Exercise helped too. I forced myself to pick myself up, eat better, took up running and started taking care of my body and the way I looked and consequently I felt better. And then I worked towards ways of being intimate with dh again. He knew that sex was off the menu but we'd look at other things we could do. We had time together, we got a babysitter and we bathed/talked/massaged and laughed. We started to enjoy each other in different ways and then eventually I bit the bullet and we had sex. Afterwards I sobbed, demanded the MAP from the walk in centre and felt really flipping strange. But then we tried again. And again. And again. And slowly but surely it resolved itself. And dh was endlessly patient and would be offended by the suggestion that no sex with his very upset wife was a reason why he'd even think of looking elsewhere.

If there truly is another reason for this and you are actually unhappy in your marriage, then that's different. But it is not very well publicised that it takes a year for your hormones to settle after delivery. Chuck in bfing, the physical demands of a baby and exhaustion/resentment because it's just so fricking hard and I'm not surprised you aren't dropping your knickers and doing the hula of an evening.

It's not abnormal. It's also frustrating and upsetting. For everybody. You and DH. But it's not a green light for your dh to have an affair, it's not a sign of anything concrete at all, other than you needing time to heal yourself and reconnect with your dh if that's what you want.

Choceyes, you sound exhausted and that will make your libido (already suffering) even lower. YOu need to tell him this. Say, I need to get a cleaner, I need to get a car to stop me just being so exhausted all I want to do at night is sleep. I agree that not having sex is frustrating, but I do think the onus on him is to look after you better, so that in time these things return. YOu need a few lie-ins on Sat morning (he can have one Sunday), you need to let go a bit over housework if you are both working. You can't be driven into the ground with tiredness then get all sexy by 10pm and I say that as someone who sees how necessary sex is for most relationships.

Took me so long to type that, I rather crossed posts with everybody.

You sound very resentful. It's sometimes hard to know whether it's the exhaustion/unhappiness making niggles that you previously lived with impossible to ignore or whether the lack of sex is just symptomatic of a general malaise.

Would you go and talk to somebody outside of your marriage to try and get some perspective?

Funny how people think relationships are all about sex- as if the only reason OP and her DH only got together to 'fk' and make babies... Not getting you luvvinlife.

tiffany she doesn't want sex with anyone it's not just him. I've been there so know where the op is coming from

" if that's what you want."

Precisley SoH, precisley, and that seems to be the crux of the matter

Pumpernickel10 Sat 18-Jun-11 11:43:06
tiffany she doesn't want sex with anyone it's not just him

Wrong, she said some do it for her (not Becks etc).

ave you not read the entire thread ?

Bandwitch there is "what is theoretically right in a perfect world" and "what actually works in the real one". What % of normally sexed DH do you think will put up with no sex for 6 months? 12 months? 18 months? What do you think they will do if they don't get it at home?

I have found that we get on a lot better, and DH is far happier to be attentive and more helpful, if he is satisfied.

I know it can be very tough to actually have sex with young DCs, especially after the 2nd child, but thats what bj's were invented for :-)

Having said that, I think pointing out that car+cleaner = mo' sex is a good argument :)

OP sounds defensive and pissed off? Mmmmayybe she's unhappy and trying to work things out- there are some genuinely lovely posts on here as well- just concentrate on those :)

I think ShowofHands post is very sensitive and sensible. It's totally understandable that you're not gagging to have sex with him. I'm not in the camp that says you have to give out or he will look elsewhere. But I do think its reasonable to think a little bit about how it impacts on him. He should be patient with you and if you don't want sex there's absolutely no reason you should have it just to make him happy. On the other hand, he may feel rejected by your apparent loss of interest. Its not only that he's not getting his end away, its the psychological issue of how it makes him feel about himself.
It sounds like you do have some resentment issues with him but nothing that can't be overcome -- basically it relates to your not feeling adequately appreciated and supported. I think you should try to communicate to him, as gently as possible, that this is connected to your loss of interest in sex. Also try to get counselling if you can.

Have you explained all this to him?

Can you explain that if he nags you about housework you will not be relaxed?

Can you try having sex with him and see what happens? Sometimes starting it makes you want it.

Personally I think there is a fine line between him needing to understand and you being tired and going too far. I think you have crossed it.

If you were only have sex for example every 4 - 6 weeks because of exhaustion etc it would be understandable. But not for a year? That is in problematic territory for me sorry.

Yes luvinlife, I've read the Whole Thread!!!! I still don't agree with your tone towards OP

Ok to clarify a couple of points.

DH also gets up to settle DS, so no he also gets broken nights sleep, so it's not all me.

I just dont' find Mr Depp or Becks sexy. I can think of more attrative men but I don't want to have sex with them either...i think.

I shall reply more later, just have to go out now.

Thanks so much for you replies, it's really really helpful.

Omigawd, spose it depends how badly you want to hang on to marriage.

For some people that'll be a given regardless of what injustices and inequalities are endured. For other women it's not a given. If they realise they're not being heard then what do they do? carry on not being heard??

Not wanting sex is a more emotional response. The desire to officially stay IN the marriage might be more practical.

sounds to me like the op is quite understandably feeling UNHEARD and very resentful.

People are saying to her 'sleep with him or [gasp] you might lose him. Well omg. Heaven forbid. He doesn't hear her, help her, understand that her hormones aren't the same as pre-kids. Seems like some of the female posters are putting ALL of the onus to be understanding on the OP. And I'd question that?! Question the fairness of her having to do all the understanding and also question if it is worth it. (Maybe it is, but I wouldn't take that as an absolute 100% given)

What % of normally sexed dh do you think will see the lack of sex for 6 months, 12 months, 18 months and actually try and sit down with their dw and work out the (perfectly valid and pressing) reasons why the woman they love has become so exhausted and unhappy that sex just seems like another chore?

I think you do a disservice to men by suggesting that they're some homegeneous mass who have to regularly empty their balls into a woman or they justifiably have to take their unlove penises out looking for somewhere to lodge them.

And a greater disservice to an emotionally and physically exhausted woman who already feels bloody terrible about her diminished libido by suggesting that she deserves for her dh to be doing the above.

It's a problem, sure. But telling somebody well 'just get on with it' shows a lack of understanding of human complexities. Thank God trained professionals don't take the same line. 'Come on woman, buck up, at least give the ol' fella a blow job or he'll take his sperm elsewhere'. Dearie me.

ShowofHands you have said what I wanted to say in a much more eloquent way!
Joric relationships aren't all about sex you are right there but it is an important part of most relationships as it brings about a closeness and intimacy between 2 people that they don't have with anyone else, if you lose that it can bring about so much resentment.
But communication is the key. And it works both ways.

Yes I've read all the thread and op as confirmed she wouldn't have sex with either becks\Depp. So your point was wrong luvinlife

I think op has gotten some great advice here, and sometimes I think you need to hear a harher perspective than what you might like. If another woman online thinks a continuing lack of sex might lead to something extramarital then what's to say op's dh doesn't think similarly?

Anyway, I'm also of the opinion that the more you do it, the more you want it. Get on up, back in to the saddle :) things will most likely end if you cannot overcome this. Sex is more than just a physical thing. Your dh probably feels rejected (I know I would, if I had been rejected for a year) and needs some reassurance. Lots of posters have said how op's dh is not recognising how she is feeling, but I don't think op is making any effort to see things from his side.

I hope things get better for you op, I really do, intimacy is a basic human need, and to go for so long with out it, for either you or your dh cannot be good for your relationship. I know my dp gets snippy if its more than a week so can only imagine a year's worth built up. I think you need to talk to him, tell him you know it's been a long time, explain things (like about your breasts, and being tired, and nagging about housework) and tell him that you want to work to find a solution because at the end of the day, it's not just about you and how you feel or don't feel and it's not just about him or his needs, the two of you are married and are a team, you can work this out together. It probably won't be easy,you'll probably have to say a few harsh truths, and maybe listen to some, but if your relationship is worth saving to you then it's worth working at.

best of luck op

I found my libido was definitely dampened due to breastfeeding but did return once i stopped (which I did when babies were around 9months).

It was one of the reasons i decided to stop at that age tbh.

I sympathise with you OP. I felt the same way and it's not personal to DH. I am just not interested tbh and while I have been in the past am not a very sexual person. I have no regrets about this it is just the say I am.

If you want the relationship to continue though you will probably have to have sex at some poiont. Even if you schedule it in once in a while and you treat it like a chore.....it gradually becomes easier, once you start doing it again.

Hi choc,

You are going through a rough patch, everyone has them, believe me, and more than one.
Now would you be on here if you didnt want to make it work?
I doubt that, if you didnt want to work it out you would have left.
anyway men can be right b.i.t.c.h.e.s!!!!! i dont blame people for becoming lesbian!!!!
men are different to women, we do not think thesame as eachother and thats why communication and how you feel is important.
I dont mean to sound sexist because not all men and women are like this, feel free to slap me and correct me etc.
do what some one said take time away from the kids, get babysitters in to look after the kids, get a make over, get a new wardrobe, retail therapy! and if he doesnt notice it other fella's might, and you'll feel good and happy and sexy!
is there a reason why he doesnt like cars so much? and is there a reason why he may want to save his money?
to be honest, the best thing I can suggest other that listening to all us, is talking to a professional, or at least another close family member.
theywill give youbetter help and advice than any of us can.
and the talking to a professional, maybe starting with you andthe you and your DH together. Ihave hads counselling in my time, it just helps air things out i wouldnt say itsamazing but i know for sure it helps, i wouldnt be here today if it didnt.

I wish you all the best and hope you get what you want out of this and ignore that fabbychick because its a harsh comment and a load of balls, but be careful it doesnt get like that.

take care x