to not want to have sex?

[choceyes]

DD is over 10 months now, and me and DH hasn't had sex for about a year now

I have absolutely no desire to have sex anymore. I'm sure it's partly to do with breastfeeding and partly to do with looking after DD and DS who is 2.5yrs. I'm absolutely shattered most days by the evenings, and all day DS and DD would have been all over me and I carry DD a lot and DS is quite clingy too since DD was born so he needs a lot of comforting and cuddles and he loves climbing all over me all the time....so I'm all touched out by the evening.

DH once a week or so asks me if we can DTD, we kiss and cuddle but I always say no sex, and DH gets sulky and last night he was quite pissed off and he went out for a walk, and has been in a mood all morning today.

I know a year is a long time and I do feel for DH, but what can I do?? I hate my breasts being touched now, and that was the thing that turned me on the most before breastfeeding, so it's like there is nothing much DH can do to arouse me anymore. And it doesn't help it that usually there isn't much foreplay (there isn't that much time, by the time the kids are in bed and housework is done) and there is always the pressure of sex if we start kissing and cuddling. DH thinks sex is imminent, but I just want some cuddling.

Frankly, the way I am feeling at the moment, I don't care if I don't ever have sex again

@show actually I think your long post was very good - I think I am actually giving roughly the same advice, just without the sensitivity training :)

i have this problrm too. dh and i didnt sleep together for about 10 months after dd was born. maybe longer i forget. we do have sex now but its never gone back to how it was. the more dh nags the more tuend off i am - especially as the op has mentioned if we have argued just before. i know osme people like make up sex - i don't and our arguments dont end in hearfelt apologies.

since i have had dd i just dont care - yes that does sound a bit selfish but i cant put out to please my husband - that leaves a bad taste to me plus the fact that id find it physically painful. actually though, for me it doesnt make that much difference if we are getting on well - dh is quite hands on and helpful with dd, he buysm e nice things and we are best friends who have fun together but i still dont want to have sex - the idea of it just makes me cringe. i have made an effort more recently though and we do have sex and after a fashion i do enjoy it but it doesnt make me want more sex in the slightest. i just dont care about sex any more.

when we argue dh likes to day things about friends of his who have cheated when their partners went off sex, its a sort of 'oh you're very lucky i'm faithful' sort of rhetoric. i think this is bullshit - marriage is about taking the rough with the smooth.

btw the carcleaner thing would do my head in. your dh is being quite unreasonable about this. i am a bit environmentalist but having a car when you have 2 dc is a normal expectation - unless you are demanding a huge huumer!

I don't understand why people always say 'don't listen to x'. OP asked for opinions, she will read them all and make her mind. Just because x has an opinion that you dont like it doesn't mean you can be rude.

I think 10 months is a long time and i agree with those who said that if you do have sex then you want it more.

Depends on the thread and the advice Laquitar. If advice is wrong/damaging then it's right to say 'don't listen to x'.

Sorry to be harsh, I have been where you are, but I really think you need to JFDI.

Sometimes when you just get on with it, then it gets better and better. The more you have, then the more you want.

Once you have the kids in bed, run a bath for both of you- use it get get intimate but not for sex, no pressure there- perhaps things might develop but dosnt matter if they dont. Make sure you do this early in the evening (7/8pm- before you get tired) so it dosnt feel like a chore you have to do before you go to sleep.

I think there has to be some compromise in your relationship on both sides. It is unfair to say to someone who you're supposed to be in a loving sexual relationship with 'tough luck, I'm not having sex again for an unkown amount of time and you just have to wait'. Equally it is unfair if your DH sayd 'have sex now'. There should be somewhere in between - no you are not his fuck hole but you are his sexual partner. You shouldn't have to lay back and think of England but neither should you have the right to condemn him to a sexless life.

Do you want to regain a close and loving relationship with your husband? I would suggest relate. Learn how to communicate as adults, regain love and respect for each other and work toward sex.

Explain that you are knackered and need a break, regularly. Do some things to make you feel good. Maybe work on stopping your DC climbing all over you all the time. being a person is as important as being their mother, and that does seem to be draining you.

Don't give up on things op, it is extremely hard having young chidren, I would advise reassessing when your youngest is a fairr bit older. We went through an awful rough patch for 18 months after having ours. I agree with showofhands, though I wouldn't necessarily blame breastfeeding - you might be more tired if you stopped (having to find other ways to settle dd etc)! I think fabbychic's comment was ridiculous - a man who will cheat because of this wouldn't be worth having. However he has a right to be upset and I think he has a right to be listened to and for you to try and find a compromise. I reiterate - don't give up on the marriage yet though.

what is JFDI?

just fecking do it

sorry as an answer to payne1234 not to OP

If there was a man on here saying my dw hasn't slept with me for a year since our dc were born and is showing utterly no interest. She has explained that she is tired and just not interest in sex as she doesn't feel sexual at all. No matter what I do to try to turn her on or to get more time together, she isn't interested in me sexually. I am finding this impossible as I have 'needs' and it is making me really upset.

I think we would all give him sympathy.

OP if your dh said to you I need to have sex with you at least once a fortnight or I think I will have to leave, what would you do?

My brother went without sex for over 2 years when his second son was born. His wife showed no interest and wouldn't discuss any of his desires, only her own desires (which were to go to sleep). Eventually he left her and has found a new lady and they are starting another family.

How would you feel about that OP? No sex for your husband, in most cases, will eventually lead to him going off with another woman. Then there is a chance he will start another family.

Thank you so much for all your replies. Thank you for taking the time out to reply in length and I really appreciate it.

I'm glad to know that it's not that uncommon, and thanks Showofhands for that info on hormones after giving birth.

It doesn't help that we have no family help as both our families live 5hrs away, so we can't go out in the evening. Yes can hire a babysitter, but just not got around to it, and can 't leave DD anyway as she doesn't take a bottle.

I do love DH still, and he is good company most of the time. But we argue a lot too and like I said before there is a lot of resentment on my part.

What annoys me most is that I can't kiss or cuddle him without him wanting more. I wish he was happy to just do that for awhile without any pressure to have sex. But even if I go near him and cuddle him on sofa, he assumes he will get to have sex and then gets pissed off if I refuse him.

I think it is a lot to do with breastfeeding too. I feel sexy and aroused when I have my monthly cycles. My periods haven't returned yet, so ofcourse I don't have those hormones that make me want to have sex, and also I'm dry so it will be physically painful for me. We did buy some lubricant together a couple of weeks ago, but it's still unused.

Another reason is that DD is still in our room. She sleeps in a bedside cot during the evening and then she comes into our bed when she first wakes up in the night. So in the evenings our room is off limits, as she tends to get unsettled when we go in and make too much noise. DH has suggested we move her cot into another room and have her sleep there in the evenings and bring her into our bed at night. I'm happy to do this, so we will give this a try too.

I do feel lucky that he still finds me attractive (although I have massive belly overhang after 2 c-sections and I'm a stone heavier than pre babies) and he says so regularly.

I just wish he would be prepared to just cuddle me and not expect sex every single time! I think I would consider sex more if it weren't expected of me all the time.

Thanks celadon. Some great points.

I agree with you on point 4 and I thought maybe it was just me.

I guess I feel lucky because as some posters said, that it is lucky he is still interested and wanting to DTD after a whole year without it.

I just wish we had more time to ourselves. It's just so difficult with 2 little ones and no family to give us a break. I'm so ready to do go on a holiday without the littlies and never thought I'd say that. But I want to bf DD for awhile longer. I won't feel any better if I stopped bf her just to get my libido back, I think i'd feel horribly guilty about that.

I didnt feel like sex much until my periods returned.niwas breastfeeding but my cycles restarted at 5 months, before that we still had sex regularly BUT it required more work to get in the mood (the mind was willing the body wasn't!). I still hate having my greats touched and in the more newborn days when they were still sore we just used positions where this wasn't a problem - and paid a visit to Anne summers to help in this department as well :).

Having said that from your post it seems that you just don't want to have sex with your dh not through tiredness or hormones but you sound as though you are angry at him for some reason and so no amount of sleep will help unless you figure out what's going on between the two of you.

Haha my greats I mean my breasts but they are great

We find if we leave having sex until bed time, it never happens, mornings and sneaky early evenings ensure we still have some intimacy before the tiredness and drudgery of post getting the kids to bed sets in.

whats stopping you learning to drive if you want to so badly?

nothing is stopping me Judysjudgement. I'm planning to learn when I start back at work in September.

Pingu- God if my husband said to me I had to have sex with him once a fortnight or he will leave I would pack his bags for him. I am not here as a sex toy, I would like to think of myself as more than that,especially after taking OH's 2 boys on as my own.

OP, I am in the same position as you really- 8 month old, BFing, co-sleeping. We have had sex about 5 times since baby was born. OH does things that I resent and makes me not want to have sex with him, but I think the main contributing factor is the BFing. If my husband can't manage a year of me BFing so limited sex just for one year of our married life than he doesn't deserve me.

I must admit, I did try to just 'do it' even when I didn't want to but I ended up in tears, it felt so wrong and I felt used. And since then I feel like sex is quite 'dirty' (not in the good way!). I hope when I finish BFing my libido will return.

I think a lot of it is probably just hormones and will readjust in time. Also the resentment which you are feeling about the car etc. is a big passion killer.

I really do not believe you can sustain a relationship long term (talking months and years) with no sex. You will naturally become less loving to each other if one person still wants sex and is constantly denied.

Sex is one of those things where the more you do it, the more you want to do it. I think a bit of bullet-biting is required, and just doing it. Hopefully it will trigger something and you will want to have it more.

You know you need to talk to him about this. And you need some time to yourself - exercise class or an interest. You need to get you back and you need him to help you do that. You need to move baby out of your room. You need to keep talking and if you feel even slightly like it, seize the moment.

And don't fall into the trap of thinking that you will suddenly feel like it on holiday - this is about here and now.

Fluffygal - you sound just like me! I also feel sex is "dirty" and I'm a mother not a sex partner and it feels "wrong". I know I need to get out of this mindset though.

My periods came back with DS after about 9 months and we did enjoy sex after that (enough to get accidentlly up the duff with DD when DS was 1yr!). DD is not a massive fan of solids and is not dropping any feeds yet. I'm hoping when I go back to work IN september she will be eating more solids as she will be at nursery 3 days a week and will be feeding her less, then my periods will be back.

I know, I need to think of sex as normal not dirty. I guess its just nature though really when you are BFing not to want to 'reproduce'. Even watching other people getting sexy on the tv makes me throw up a bit in my mouth.

I think the best thing is that we are aware of it and know it needs to change. I think an honest chat with OH will help. So in my case I need to tell OH that I dont fancy making any effort sexually when he spends all day shouting at the kids and the dog, and every other sentence he says is 'for christs sake', and he will say he just wants to have sex.

Another one here in the same boat. No sex for longer than you, op - I'm almost too embarrassed to say exactly how long...
Anyway, ds2 is 7m, and I'm combination feeding, and I'm sure a lot of it is just hormones combined with demands of a baby/kids.
The GOOD news is I'm slowly starting to feel more like having sex. But I think what's mainly stopping me now is that it's such a big deal now! I'm sure it will happen in the next few weeks then that's the first big hurdle crossed.

To those of you saying to bite the bullet and just do it, well you're very lucky that you clearly didn't have this problem. It's almost a complete emotional block, feeling like it's wrong or dirty - it's not simply that we can't be arsed, ffs.

ShowOfHands, I loved your post, it made me feel happy that someone understood so well and has come through the other side.

fwiw, after ds1 was born, I was exactly the same, and we actually nearly split during the week of his 2nd birthday when it all came to a head for various reasons. It's not worth getting to that stage, especially if a looooong heart to heart is all that's needed for now.
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