to not want to have sex?

[choceyes]

DD is over 10 months now, and me and DH hasn't had sex for about a year now

I have absolutely no desire to have sex anymore. I'm sure it's partly to do with breastfeeding and partly to do with looking after DD and DS who is 2.5yrs. I'm absolutely shattered most days by the evenings, and all day DS and DD would have been all over me and I carry DD a lot and DS is quite clingy too since DD was born so he needs a lot of comforting and cuddles and he loves climbing all over me all the time....so I'm all touched out by the evening.

DH once a week or so asks me if we can DTD, we kiss and cuddle but I always say no sex, and DH gets sulky and last night he was quite pissed off and he went out for a walk, and has been in a mood all morning today.

I know a year is a long time and I do feel for DH, but what can I do?? I hate my breasts being touched now, and that was the thing that turned me on the most before breastfeeding, so it's like there is nothing much DH can do to arouse me anymore. And it doesn't help it that usually there isn't much foreplay (there isn't that much time, by the time the kids are in bed and housework is done) and there is always the pressure of sex if we start kissing and cuddling. DH thinks sex is imminent, but I just want some cuddling.

Frankly, the way I am feeling at the moment, I don't care if I don't ever have sex again

i did read the thread and the op post she said she was "touched out" by the time it came to the evening, which i find to be dishonest, because later on she said she just didnt find he dp attractive any longer, honest. i think a lot of women do use i have had a baby/cared for children to not have sex. when actually its symptomatic of more significant problems and i think that is exactly what many woman are saying having read this and other threads on the subject. you can be tired but when you dp touches you or kisses you if you attracted to them/ in a good place relationship wise you will want to have sex with them. if you dont it is a problem that needs to be looked at for the sake of the relationship whether you are male or female. because sexual intimacy is very important.

"ut in this case, there is a reason for it, and things will return to normal soon. If they don't, well that's a whole new thread. "

I just doubt that things will return to normal by themselves without it being addressed - if you just wait it out, without ever talking about it, without ever looking for options, then it might be too late for the whole new thread.

Nobody suggests that she'll just have to lie back and think of England while he helps himself, even though some have tried spinning replies suggesting that the lack of sex is something which needs to be worked on that way.

To recap something i wrote a long time back....if you read the whole thread the vast majority of the people on the thread say something on the lines of "yes its very hard after having a baby, OP, and while your issues are very understandable you do also need to sort this sex thing out or the relationship will get into trouble at some point down the line". Some are more sensitive than others, some see more or less YANBU, but by and large that's the advice.

Then there are the extremists on either side, with 2 basic positions, and it really boils down to an argument about how long post partum without sex is being reasonable.

• the "Contractor" view: Sex is a basic need, and the minute one party breaks the marriage contract by refusing nookie, the other can consider it null and void.

• the "DP must be a Saint" view - the party wanting sex must wait as long as the other party wants. Bringing up Baby trumps all other needs, indefinitely.

My opinion is that the reality is that if sex isn't in a marriage when one party still wants it, then it is very likely that intimacy and gentleness and respect and co-operation and all the other good things leak out, and the longer it carries on the more likely that affairs will start.

I'd be interested to know how long most people think is reasonable to go off sex post baby birth, I can see up to about a year being reasonable but much longer than that I would start to suspect there are other issues.

Good post Omigawd

Sorry, off-topic but can I ask what 'MRA' means? A poster used it earlier and I have seen it on other threads.

Ahhh, think I've just found it: Men's Rights Activists?

Omnigod: I think you summarise well; but unfairly see both positions as extreme. The first I find repugnant, whether it be said to a man or a woman. The second I think admits more nuances; again, whether the person not wanting sex is male or female.
Childbirth or another trauma (for males) takes different people different amounts of time to deal with. For some it might be a question of weeks, for some months, for some even years.
If the two people involved in the relationship are committed, love and respect each other, the amount of time that a "dry spell" might last is irrelevant. There is no "reasonable" nor "unreasonable" limit here.
As I have repeatedly said on this thread, the reason that one person doesn't want to have sex must be addressed if the problem is to come to an end. Otherwise, the resentments, hurt etc will damage the relationship. Once these issues are resolved, then the question of not wanting sex, if it still exists, should be dealt with head-on: perhaps with help of counselling or the like.

Piglet: I stress in this post that my answer would be the same coming from whichever person in the relationship, because I find your comments highly offensive and fundamentally untrue. I have been to look at the other thread, and I think you might find that the comments are different because different people are posting on it.

I can tell you something that may make you despair OP, or give you hope. My youngest is 8. I have 2 older DC. It is only now, after years of bfing, working full-time, never getting enough sleep, depression, anxiety, depression and anti-Ds, that I am getting back to normal. Sex has always been a regular part of our lives and mostly it's been OK but I can honestly say I very rarely instigated it and only then because I knew that would please DH. Things are changing and we are both happier for it.

So your DP could look at our example and say 'OMG! 8 years!' Or you can look it at long-term and say 'Good, it's worth hanging on' I guess it'a a glass half-full scenario. But I know we are not alone in this.

'Childbirth or another trauma (for males) takes different people different amounts of time to deal with'. Very true and of course witnessing their partner go through childbirth can be traumatic for some men and may affect their libido too.

I think there is a key difference between the stories told by piglet and the other male poster, (whose name I have forgotten, my apologies) whose relationships are now 'hanging by a thread' and those stories told by posters who have also been through dry spells of varying length but whose relationships are now as strong, if not stronger, than ever. I think it's fairly obvious that the key difference is communication and the willingness to talk about hopes for the future.

"the stories told by piglet"

I haven't told any stories.