to not want to have sex?

[choceyes]

DD is over 10 months now, and me and DH hasn't had sex for about a year now

I have absolutely no desire to have sex anymore. I'm sure it's partly to do with breastfeeding and partly to do with looking after DD and DS who is 2.5yrs. I'm absolutely shattered most days by the evenings, and all day DS and DD would have been all over me and I carry DD a lot and DS is quite clingy too since DD was born so he needs a lot of comforting and cuddles and he loves climbing all over me all the time....so I'm all touched out by the evening.

DH once a week or so asks me if we can DTD, we kiss and cuddle but I always say no sex, and DH gets sulky and last night he was quite pissed off and he went out for a walk, and has been in a mood all morning today.

I know a year is a long time and I do feel for DH, but what can I do?? I hate my breasts being touched now, and that was the thing that turned me on the most before breastfeeding, so it's like there is nothing much DH can do to arouse me anymore. And it doesn't help it that usually there isn't much foreplay (there isn't that much time, by the time the kids are in bed and housework is done) and there is always the pressure of sex if we start kissing and cuddling. DH thinks sex is imminent, but I just want some cuddling.

Frankly, the way I am feeling at the moment, I don't care if I don't ever have sex again

MrSpoc, I get what you're saying about getting sick of your right hand, but would you be happier having sex with your dw, when she is clearly repulsed at the thought of having sex at all?
Or is it simply a case of you walking out if her sex drive went?

I don't think it is as straightforward as 'man must have sex or will get it somewhere else' it is more that if either partner feels consistently rejected then they will over time decide that their partner probably doesn't love them and that they are no longer in a romantic relationship.

Relationships change hugely when you become a family and my experience is that many couples don't really anticipate that. Sometimes it is all plain sailing, and sometimes it is a really really difficult, exhausting and soul stealing time when taking the time out just to be nice to each other and connect is very hard, especially if you don't have much support. And that's rarely mentioned in the baby preparations classes, and I don't think that new fathers get together enough to share stories, so they feel personally rejected rather than understanding that it is not about them, but a normal thing that sometimes just needs to be weathered for a while. Women on the other hand need to be careful that they have actually told their partners that although they don't want sex right now they do love them. Both parties need to figure out a way to keep some intimacy without the woman feeling threatened by the possibility of demands for sex until she is ready - and part of that is trusting your dp/h to stop - I didn't and he said afterwards that he wasn't after sex, but I rejected early him just in case, because I didn't want to reject him once he got a bit excited, and then he was very upset that I didn't trust him or even talk to him about it. Without trust it is very hard to keep a healthy relationship going.

wow so many replies to read! I'll be back soon with a longer reply after I've had a read through.

It is funny reading all this - I bf, work full time (sometimes very long hours), we don't have a cleaner, we don't have any family in the UK. I seldom feel like having sex I crave sleep instead. But despite the juggling act I feel very happy, I love my DH we've been together for yonks - sex or no sex life is bliss within this partnership.

I hear the OP with her saying she feels she is all touched out - sometimes because my DH snores he sleeps in the baby's room and I get our bed all to myself and he does the night waking and gets all the breakfast and gets up early and I get to sleep in or just chill out. OP maybe this is something you can try - not so you feel re-charged for sex, but just so you get a nano-second of time for yourself. Like today - I have taken a day off work, and I have the morning to myself for a few hours before I spend the rest of the day with my baby.

I imagine that when I stop breastfeeding the sex interest will come back, and when I want to have another baby it will come back and then likely go again, but until them I'm not worried. I'd love a weekend away with DH (but with baby in tow).

I thought the post from ShowOfHands Mon 20-Jun-11 17:17:12 was excellent.

Good luck OP and I hope your relationship with your DH can be a really positive one.

InTheNightKitchen - Got to say you have a funny definition of marriage by my reckoning.

If you read the thread, I'd say at least 3/4 of the respondents say in various ways (some blunter, some more delicately by explaining the why's and hows) that if one partner unilaterally refuses sex you are likely to run into trouble down the line.

If I look at the extremists on either side you wind up with 2 positions, and it really is an argument about how long.

• the contract view: the minute 1 party breaks the marriage contract by refusing nookie the other can consider it void

• the "saint" view - the party wanting sex must wait as long as the other party wants.

I actually think both these sorts of people are manipulative, but the 2 nd view seems to be often tied up with the moral high ground of new babies, which muddies it.

I do think based on years of watching friends and acquaintances that the longer sex isn't in a marriage if one party wants it, the more likely it is that intimacy and gentleness leak out so it's less fun, and the more likely that affairs will start.

The op has managed to get a variety of views that she can consider. Got to say I love the "saint" and "contract' analogy view points just summarised by Omigawd.

Coffeedodger are you happy with your life now? I hope you are. It can't have been pleasant living with someone who wanted to push it everytime.

One other thought i did have - mums these days seem to b/f a lot longer than even 10 - 15 years ago when I had mine, and also have the kids in bed with them for far longer. (I have no facts, just based on what I read here vs my own experience then).

i wonder if that is part of the problem, given that they are such passion killers.

Now that my DCs are all taller than me and seem quite normal, I can testify that getting a bottle and a room of their own after 6 months hasn't damaged them (yet, anyway...)

Ds2 was put in his own room 1.5 months ago, but it hasn't made me want to jump dh's bones yet :)
I do agree tho - get the baby out of your room!

Mmm putting the husband's wants before the baby's needs.

Nice.

I thought Pintglass's thirsty analogy was very valid.
I can see my dh's point of view.
Am hoping that the BJ that I so enjoyed giving him last night will spur me on to 'having more drive'.

Apologies, I thought the op's dd was simply still in their room, hadn't realised she was cosleeping.

Although a baby's needs can be more than satisfied without it sharing its parents bed. That comment is only aimed at handdived's post

Dh and I didn't DTD for two years after having DS. Traumatic birth, much pain, many operations, only resolved medically after two years. Added to that I was exhausted, down about medical problems and zilch libido to even give some loving to dh in other ways. We had ups and downs, times he was angry, though he knew it was unreasonable and always apologetic, very frustrated but overall, very supportive. Even after the medical side was taken care of,it took an age to get back into the swing of things. But it did come back, verryyy slowly. And the more we DTD (within the constraints of having a toddler) the more we connected and all the niggly other things didn't matter so much.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, if you still love each other, it won't matter how long it takes.

Men need sex. They are unhappy and grumpy if they don't get it. He probably feels very unloved too. Invest in some KY jelly as it's true breastfeeding decreases your desire and ' ease of access' down below. The longer us women go without sex the less likely we are to want it. Shag your man fgs and see how his attitude to 20 a week for a cleaner changes! Believe me I was in a similar situation to you with first ds and vowed to be different on my second who was born 8 weeks ago. I use the KY jelly now and everyone is happier for it. A tube of it is much cheaper than divorce.....

Stayfrosty, excellent post - I agree 100%.

Bigbird, glad things are working for you. However the way I feel at the moment, using ky jelly and gritting my teeth to have sex would absolutely not make my dh or me happy in the slightest.

This is truly one if the most depressing threads I have read. I cannot believe how unsympathetic so many of you are.

If the OP's husband acknowledged her exhaustion, did not make her feel guilty by nagging her about housework, was supportive about the car - allowing OP, to pay for lessons and the purchase of are car and then refusing to use it on the basis of the environmentalism and cost is passive aggressive at the very least, and again suggests he doesn't give a fuck about her tiredness.

Taking a unilateral decision about the cleaner again, not being sympathetic to her. There is no indication that he gives her kisses and cuddles without sexual intent. Yet she has to take responsibility for this and put out???? Despite the fact we know pregnancy, tiredness, breastfeeding...all mess with your sex drive? OP, may feel like she never wants sex again, but given the right conditions, a bit of kindness and rest it will probably return naturally, but not if she feels hassled for sex

Incidentally, my ex played about and had sex with others even when we were having sex several times a week. Having sex with a partner is not the indicator as to whether a man will stray, it is if he fundamentally loves and respects you. I know that some alluded to the 'sexless marriages' example, but being permanently asexual is very different to the scenario described here. After having kids I thought I never wanted sex again for two years, , it transpires that is not true.