to not want to have sex?

[choceyes]

DD is over 10 months now, and me and DH hasn't had sex for about a year now

I have absolutely no desire to have sex anymore. I'm sure it's partly to do with breastfeeding and partly to do with looking after DD and DS who is 2.5yrs. I'm absolutely shattered most days by the evenings, and all day DS and DD would have been all over me and I carry DD a lot and DS is quite clingy too since DD was born so he needs a lot of comforting and cuddles and he loves climbing all over me all the time....so I'm all touched out by the evening.

DH once a week or so asks me if we can DTD, we kiss and cuddle but I always say no sex, and DH gets sulky and last night he was quite pissed off and he went out for a walk, and has been in a mood all morning today.

I know a year is a long time and I do feel for DH, but what can I do?? I hate my breasts being touched now, and that was the thing that turned me on the most before breastfeeding, so it's like there is nothing much DH can do to arouse me anymore. And it doesn't help it that usually there isn't much foreplay (there isn't that much time, by the time the kids are in bed and housework is done) and there is always the pressure of sex if we start kissing and cuddling. DH thinks sex is imminent, but I just want some cuddling.

Frankly, the way I am feeling at the moment, I don't care if I don't ever have sex again

Well, I don't know what his reason was (due to lack of discussion), but he might have had a "legitimate" reason. Don't think it would have made it any easier for me though.

What I noticed on this thread is that sex seems to be mostly reduced to a physical action without much significance, and that the partners had no right to feel negatively affected by the lack of it and very little understanding of what constant rejection can do to someone.

I think the post partum thing is a red herring - yes, exhaustion affects sex drive, but if it's affecting the relationship it needs to be talked about.

Having and looking after one or more children is exhausting, but so is e.g. a full time job and many other things- yet, one excuse seems to be more accepted than the other.

Oh, and stretching the post partum period to a year and longer, is taking it a bit far. A year of rejection I think can pretty much be seen as constant. Especially when there's no sign of change on the horizon.

WidowWadman, this thread is about a woman who doesn't want sex, living with a man who does. For a thread about a woman who does want sex, living with a man who doesn't, you could look at www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1238324-DH-not-interested-in-sex-touching-anything?pg=2

There is about as much sympathy and understanding on both, but of course the perspective is different.

swallowedAFly - I never denied it can affect libido, I know it myself,currently breastfeeding my second child, who's less than a month old, having breastfed the first for 18 month. Ths still doesn't mean that it's something which cannot or needn't be worked on.

Also, my bad, it's only the dry-spell which lasts already over a year, not the actual post partum period, so I clearly got that one wrong.

And of course having a child is life-changing, to both parents. Still both parents need to be careful not to let that life-changing experience run their partnership into the ground.

What show of hands said is absolutely true , I barely had sex at all with dh when I was pregnant and then not for at least three months after , I was in far to much pain with spd to do anything let alone sex , my dh did not complain once he would never expect me to have sex when I am in pain and he certainly does not think having a dry spell is a free pass
to cheating .

I thi k you do not feel attracted to your dh at the minute because he is nagging you one minute then pestering you like a randy teenager the next , it's hardly sexy and on top of that you have dc and housework to contend with , we all know the bone tired feeling you get sometimes and I am not surprised you don't feel like it.

And to the people who have been really horrible re you not wanting to have sex , I am confused we tell our dc to never have sex with someone if you do not want to or because you feel you should so why should that change when a person is married . Suggesting the ops husband will up and leave if she does not have sex with him and what's more it will be her fault is ridiculous if he cannot be a man and stand by his wife during a hard time without cheating then he is not a man worth being married too .

Can I ask are you still physically attracted to your dh?
O ask because when we were going through a dry spell I still fancied him and I do when we are going through hard times that may be a crucial element for you.
Try not to make any rash decisions about ending the relationship now , have some time just for you doing things you did before dc you will feel much better for it . Have a date night when you can and talk about the things you used too films music anything other than domestic life , see if you can get back what it was that made you fall in love . Good luck.

Mrswhiskerson " if he cannot be a man and stand by his wife during a hard time without cheating then he is not a man worth being married to"

I feel the same. But guess what was said to a woman whose man did not want sex on a recent thread?

i honestly think that the "i dont want to have sex because i look after children all day" is a really bad and detrimental excuse.
if you dont want to have sex just be honest and say i dont want to have sex because i am not horny. the children have nothing to do with it because if you were horny you would be regardless of the circumstances.

"piglet are you just here to try and say women are hypocrites"

No

However I am observing that some people are sexist and this affects their response. Obviously you know that.

Spooks, have you read the thread? I don't recall anyone saying you're within your rights ti go off sex because you find being a parent exhausting.
That's insulting to the op and many other posters to suggest that. Read swallowedafly's post at 10:30 to remind yourself what women go through after childbirth. Some women cope with this fairly well. Some of us struggle mentally and physically

vmcsd- I've read the whole thread and it was said over and over again that going off sex because being a parent is exhausting. (But only if you're a woman who has given birth through her vagina, if I understand Swallowed's physiology lectures correctly)

Blimey, are you lot still at it?

Well since you are I thought I would add my two penn?th.

Swallowed - in your scenario above tired etc man would say to unhappy frustrated wife: ?Darling I know you are unhappy, but I have had major disruption to my body and it is affecting my enthusiasm. However, I realise that you are missing the closeness of sex, and I am too. I have spoken to the doctor / other people and I am hoping that it will be sorted in xyz weeks etc. Please be patient and I am looking forward to the first time? etc etc

Not difficult, but people in not very happy marriages tend to only see things from their own pov and rarely empathise with their partner. And some people on here think that the woman is right whatever the situation and cannot get their head around how a man might just find it little upsetting when there is no obvious end in sight.

Happy husbands and wives work together to resolve problems. In this instance I am sure though that there are more problems to the marriage than the sex, which is merely a symptom.

" 'Here lies the body of of Harold Day, who insisted on his right of way'

And Harold Day could just as easily by the OPs' partner if he insisted on sex regardless of the OPs's feelings.

And it's got nothing to do with taking the high moral ground - it's about not being forced to do something that, at this moment, seems utterly beyond you and quite horrifying. I find this "yes you might have the moral high ground, tired, baby, toddler etc, " dismissive and offensive. It's not the moral ground, high or otherwise, it's a sets of facts that have lead to the OPs current state of mind.

It's down to both parties to be concerned for the future of the relationship not only the OP.

spooks - not being 'horny' is at least partly a result of exhaustion. You can't just switch it on because you feel like it.

WW, it's all about context though. Some people cope, some people don't get through it quite so easily

The bottom line is communicating with your dp is crucial, regardless of whether it is the male or female whose libido has gone. But in this case, there is a reason for it, and things will return to normal soon. If they don't, well that's a whole new thread.

I honestly can't be arsed with this thread any more.