to not want to have sex?

[choceyes]

DD is over 10 months now, and me and DH hasn't had sex for about a year now

I have absolutely no desire to have sex anymore. I'm sure it's partly to do with breastfeeding and partly to do with looking after DD and DS who is 2.5yrs. I'm absolutely shattered most days by the evenings, and all day DS and DD would have been all over me and I carry DD a lot and DS is quite clingy too since DD was born so he needs a lot of comforting and cuddles and he loves climbing all over me all the time....so I'm all touched out by the evening.

DH once a week or so asks me if we can DTD, we kiss and cuddle but I always say no sex, and DH gets sulky and last night he was quite pissed off and he went out for a walk, and has been in a mood all morning today.

I know a year is a long time and I do feel for DH, but what can I do?? I hate my breasts being touched now, and that was the thing that turned me on the most before breastfeeding, so it's like there is nothing much DH can do to arouse me anymore. And it doesn't help it that usually there isn't much foreplay (there isn't that much time, by the time the kids are in bed and housework is done) and there is always the pressure of sex if we start kissing and cuddling. DH thinks sex is imminent, but I just want some cuddling.

Frankly, the way I am feeling at the moment, I don't care if I don't ever have sex again

can you maybe, get your hair done, paint your nails and go out with a friend (girl) for some wine and a natter, leaving dh to babysit, ?? I find that if i feel happier and a bit more confident and relaxed, sex life/libido improves.

OP I feel you're being given some very shallow advice and any real answers of solutions will come from frank discussions with your DH.

I found the dryness an issue but felt embarrassed about lube, in terms of when to bring it up as then it felt like I was committing to the act. What is your DH doing to try and arouse you. It's no good just saying I want sex and getting straight to it. If it's this then he has to accept a whole chunk of responsibility as well. That point seems to have been missed and a lot of people telling you just do it, or go see the doc (there is nothing wrong with you). A LOT of people on post-natal thread were only getting round to sex at the 10-15 month stage, it's just not talked about much.

What helped me get back into it was a went to bed early for a few weeks. The first week just talking and reconnecting as a couple. The second week we started playing with DH understanding that I would get turned off very quickly at seemingly nothing. This removed all pressure. I would be really turned on for about 2 mints and then instantly turn off again. We had a few nights of that, stop, start no pressure whatsoever and then eventually we DTD. DH by this point has reconnected with the flirting and foreplay that goes on throughout the day as well.

My youngest is two and a half, and my eldest is five. I am just begining to find my libido returning after the first pregnancy, let alone the second.
I can totally emphathise with the sex feeling dirty thing but I am finally begining to move away from it.
My husband has never pressurissed me for sex during that whole period, so for that very reason I am going to remove my makeup and jump his bones. The third time in a week, but it has taken us a long time to get to that point!
And a man who would pressure me to the point of feeling I had to comply would not be a man that I would want to be with!

I agree, you really need to get talking to each other, and figure out how to reconnect. I think it is a real issue that whilst most new mother have other mums to connect with new fathers very rarely do. So they don't know that it is normal for many women to go off sex for a considerable period of time, and think instead that their previous lover just doesn't really like them very much any more. That's certainly what my dh though, as I rejected him sexually, and often turned away from cuddles and hugs too because I became paranoid that he was just after sex (he told me later that this really wasn't the case) so he felt very much rejected as a person, whilst I felt very resentful at yet another demand on my body (I also had two babies accidentally very close together).

The lack of intimacy between us just grew and grew and dh did end up having an affair. Not for sex but for romance (corny huh?) and several years later, but there is no doubt in my mind that those really fairly horrible two years when the children were very small and I was pregnant/breastfeeding were a significant root cause (although dh was entirely and totally responsible for the affair, no excuses can be made there). It took an awful lot of work to get back to our pre-children selves.

So OP really try and talk to your dh, and don't assume that it's about sex or nothing, it may be that you can agree on just cuddles for now, or a weekly massage or anything else really that helps the two of you feel close whilst you both get through this really grueling time in your lives.

I am ashamed to say that I totally get and understand the OP. And some of the responses have been a reminder to me, that this really does need sorting.
My ds2 is 2. I have had a nightmare of the last 2 years. I am so very very tired. And both my GP and my diabetic consultant are not surprised that I have no sex drive, because I am so very very tired every second of the day, I could crumble at a moments notice, but Neither GP or consultant has done anything aboiut this, for me.
I can't even remember the last time we had sex. Dh rarely asks anymore. We have regular bj's though. I love giving bj's. I have no desire for sex at all. Not with anyone else, any Johhny Depp or whatever. And this makes me so sad, becasue I do really love my dh so very very much.
Reading with interest.
Hope you get this sorted OP. I sure need to.

Write him a letter .... sometimes its the only way to get your point across ... but wait until a time when you're feeling a little calmer. Don't go in all guns blazing! .... and ignore the fools who are posting comments about him going elsewhere. Put that straight out of your mind ... its just poison

Remember you've got two lovely kids, seems like you're reasonably financially stable and a husband that IS still showing interest towards you in the bedroom ... you would have something to worry about if he was the one turning his back on having sex with you! Good Luck

SOH's post was fab.
I don't feel dirty about sex. I just have no interest. I am so dry. And we have lube and I have used it, but its just not the same. I can't work out what I am supposed to do. I want my drive to come back. I want to want it. Mind you , saying that, I never had the highest sex drive before.
I might go back to my GP.
Unless anyone else has better advice for me.

No monthly cycles and hormones will be a big part of this. Tiredness too.

One tiny step forwards. Sort out cleaner, car issues to lower resentment. Tell him what bfding is making you feel like. Talk about it. Progress a little bit each day, he has to too. Give it some more time.

You do not have to have sex, if you are exhausted and quite frankly looking after two kids is bloody knackering. There is more to a relationship than sex, it is NOT the be all and end all of life. Try spending a bit of time together, having fun and remembering what attracted you in the first place. Sex will come when you are happier within yourself and maybe a bit less tired. If there are other issues though, deal with them, have a chat, if not, things will fester and seem much bigger and worse than they actually are. But please do not have sex just because you feel you should, you will resent it and him.

Good post from Showy - I could have written it myself. (not as fluently or articulately, obv. ) And reading this thread reminds me I'm not on my own in this.

I haven't had sex since we attempted it when I was about 7 months pregnant with DS2, and he's now 6 months. I want to want it, but I don't. The very idea makes me feel a bit yukky. I still remember pushing DS2 out, I think my stitches would still be sore, I am all touched out, I don't want him touching my breasts, I have no natural lubrication while BFing, and I don't want to wake the baby...

I remember bf completely knackered my libido last time (as well as drying me up like a riverbed in summer) but at least last time, we did have DS1 sleeping in a cot in the bedroom, and I think we managed to reinstate maritals at about 4 months. This time round, DS2 is in bed with me. He now needs the reassurance he's used to, which means I can barely roll away from him for more than 10 minutes. That ought to be enough, but then it's a matter of having sex to order, IYSWIM.

And DH is incredibly stressed at work. He has NEVER asked for it - we occasionally talk about when we'll be able to have sex again, but I know that as long as I'm still breastfeeding, on my part it'll be pretty unenjoyable sex, but I know we need to start things up again soon, before it grows over down there this becomes a big barrier between us. I bf DS2 for over 2 years... we did have sex during this time but very infrequently. TBH, it's a matter of when as well as whether I want to. I used to love lazy sunday morning sex. A thing of the past now, I fear.

Just wanted to add that there is apsolutely nothing, and i mean nothing that can be done / a drug that can be given to a woman, to increase libido. It is well documented that there is very very little that can be done. other than the obvious, counselling, looking at the relationship, de-stressing generally etc.

I feel really sorry for you. I think it's very easy to get out of the habit. That's OK if both parties are out of the habit and don't miss it, or if one party is willing to wait and is supportive and sympathetic.

I'm shocked at people suggesting you should put out if you want to keep your man. I can think of few things more degrading than having sex just to keep a man by your side.

I think you need to speak openly with your DH. Perhaps he'll be more patient if he can see light at the end of the tunnel.

I think it is actually pretty normal to go off sex when you're children are young.

DH and I had sex a handful of times in the year after our first child was born. DH used to feel quite rejected, I think, but he hung on in there, we kept talking about it (it did sometimes end in cross words/sulking on both sides), and eventually, as both children started to sleep better and I returned to work and regained a sense of 'me' again, the desire did come back. I do still have to make myself do it a lot of the time. I don't mean I don't find my husband attractive, because I do, but there just oisn't the time and space to just do it whenever the fancy takes us anymore, let's be honest. It can still be spontaneous, i guess, but I find I have to clear my mind of all the everyday crap and really remind myself that sex is good for us - it brings us closer and it really, truly does improve intimacy between two people who love each other.

I think your DH has shown patience and a loving attitude, on the whole (if I read this right?). Maybe now it is time for you to put a little bit more effort in to this side of things? I know it sounds corny, but cuddles, massages, foot rubs etc without the pressure to have sex are also really important in a relationship., I think, so perhaps push this message home to your DH? You both have needs and if you love each other, you should bot be putting in a bit of effort to meet those needs.

Good luck.

when your children are young - excuse horrific typos!

On a different thread, someone said

"There is nothing at all wrong with having an affair when you are living with someone who is not only refusing to have sex with you but refusing to accept that this is a problem and that you are unhappy. It would be 'better' to leave, perhaps, but it's usually only having an affair that will help you make the break ie getting proof in the form of another person lusting after you that you actually are a desirable person."

I don't agree, IMO this is the last step after you've given up and thrown in the towel. I don't believe either of you have given up, and I am sure RIPSambuccaKelly is right.

Having a baby in the bedroom with you is a definite passion killer, though. I hope you can get through this.

Wishing you well.

ah choceyes, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. i bet before you kids you did it, its just the brain deadening fatigue

BUT you need to sort out the resentment

driving, well in all fairness why should it be him that learns? god knows how hard it is, but not fair blaming him. YOU need to learn and get your wings

cleaner, maybe say I will back off on the driving but I NEED A FUCKING CLEANER OK

when they are so young and you are so tired resentment bulds and builds, try and remeber why you love him

Hi OP,

Speak to your husband. Put the kids to bed, sit down and have a good chat about everything you have said here (perhaps not the unsure if you still want to be married thing!).

Explain how you feel and that you would like to be intimate, but that does not have to be full blown sex. Cuddles, kisses, a back massage etc would perhaps make you feel closer to your DH, especially if you have discussed it first and there are no expectations (spoken or not) that leave you feeling on guard.

Good luck.

Sorry, I've only read the OP and a few of the responses but I wanted to chip in. Firstly you don't owe him sex and if he goes in the huff when he doesnt get his own way no wonder you dont want to sleep with him. Some of these posts seem to be suggesting you should grit your teeth and let him have his way with you. That won't do much for him if he's any kind of a human being! It certainly won't do anything for you except make you feel resentful. You'll both be feeling emotionally vulnerable about the whole thing (you might feel guilt, he might feel rejection) which will make it hard to discuss without getting upset. Can you find a way to get some time, just the two of you, to have a long conversation about how you both feel? It might clear the air and make it easier to see what the big issues are. Is there anything that's particularly sucking your energy e.g his expectations of housework? If you can identify anything you can cut out to give you a bit more energy I say do it. Good luck.

oh and fabbychic

jesus you are a BITCH!!!!! no offence eh!

i dont want sex with my partner either, i dont think its unsual at all. i you dont want to then dont, its not part o your job.

Maybe moving baby out of your room would be a good first step.
Plus, have you any idea how long you plan to breastffed for. If you were plannning on extended, then fine. But if not , maybe now is time to re-consider?

My sex drive left ages ago :( BUT i am getting more and more hornier than i used to get iykwim?! Thinking about my DH can turn me on at the minute - which is good for me ;) Although cant do sod all about it as have thrush :(

Last week we had sex for the first time i about 4 months, i am tonight going to have a bath like i do everynight but instead of taking my PJs into the bathroom im going to take some sexy lingerie in and put it on after the bath

The thing is you have to work at a marriage, it isnt all plain sailing, marriage is hard work, some people just dont realise how much bloody hard work it is.

Speak to your Dr OP and explain to him how you feel (only read 1st and last page so nothing in between) have you told your DH how you feel, i've never really been a fan of having my breasts touched but since having kids i dont like it. DH knows this, im not a fan of having my neck touched either, DH knows this too. I have the be in the throws of passion for him to be able to touch my breasts and neck. Maybe dressing up will get you i the mood. Try it. You never know.

Hi Op,

I am in a similar boat to your husband so hopefully i can offer you some male perspective.

I have two young boys 3 & 1 .

My wife said she does not want sex and would be happy to never get it again. This was very hard for me because I am very affectionate, love my cuddles, kisses and foreplay. She said she has changed and is now a new women and not the women I married. I tried to explain that part of us was the great sex and closeness we shared.

She has a right to no sex but I pointed out I have a right to sex but do not want to give up my family or her. (Me leaving)

After a while its got better, she still struggles and I find it hard to get her in the mood. All the candles, massages, treats, house work does not help. She is always too tired no matter what I do. (even booked hotel?s away just for the both of us. Just ends up cuddles then sleep).

I have been tempted to look but I won?t as she is slowly getting back to the way we were. But big bombshell she is now pregnant with a third. Luckily I have strong wrist muscles.

Hope this helps.

I agree with it being very unfair to your H. I tell you what - meet a man and on the first date say "Listen love, I have sex to have children - after that, it may be years before you get it again. Oh and I dont want to hear about it because your need for sex is not my problem". I can bloody guarantee you that there will never be a second date so dont harp on "its not my responsibility" bullshit.

Sex is part of a healthy relationship end of. If you doubt that for a second. Try what I suggested and see what kind of relationship you get! Obviously if one has physical problems or illness, it changes things.

Do you masturbate OP? sorry to be blunt in asking, i just wonder?