to not want to have sex?

[choceyes]

DD is over 10 months now, and me and DH hasn't had sex for about a year now

I have absolutely no desire to have sex anymore. I'm sure it's partly to do with breastfeeding and partly to do with looking after DD and DS who is 2.5yrs. I'm absolutely shattered most days by the evenings, and all day DS and DD would have been all over me and I carry DD a lot and DS is quite clingy too since DD was born so he needs a lot of comforting and cuddles and he loves climbing all over me all the time....so I'm all touched out by the evening.

DH once a week or so asks me if we can DTD, we kiss and cuddle but I always say no sex, and DH gets sulky and last night he was quite pissed off and he went out for a walk, and has been in a mood all morning today.

I know a year is a long time and I do feel for DH, but what can I do?? I hate my breasts being touched now, and that was the thing that turned me on the most before breastfeeding, so it's like there is nothing much DH can do to arouse me anymore. And it doesn't help it that usually there isn't much foreplay (there isn't that much time, by the time the kids are in bed and housework is done) and there is always the pressure of sex if we start kissing and cuddling. DH thinks sex is imminent, but I just want some cuddling.

Frankly, the way I am feeling at the moment, I don't care if I don't ever have sex again

Applaud SAF....still bemused how this is a subject for debate rather than compassion and understanding.

good response SAF

"she no doubt misses it (as in wanting it and it being a nice part of her life) too."

She said she doesn't miss it and doesn't care if she never has any anymore. There was no sign that she wants to change anything about this.
If she had asked how she can bring the spark back, that'd be a different matter.

Exactly SAF (sorry promise I am not stalking you !), and are also many indicators in OPs posts that she is not happy with the current situation overall, and does not consider it unproblematic.

For me, the OP's posts make it clear that her not wanting sex is connected to her generally not feeling very good at the moment. She's tired and generally getting to grips with being the mother of two demanding children. He husband sounds as if he understands and helps, but -crucially-not as much, or in ways that the OP feels useful.
Her comment about the cleaner is a giveaway. She wants one despite the fact that her Dh does the housework, because while he does it, she has to look after the children, or take them somewhere etc. So it boils down to the fact that she never has a rest nor time to herself away from them. From what she says I am assuming she is a SAHM for now at least and her husband is working. I also see that her Dh has activities outside the home which don't involve the children: which means that he does have personal time for himself, presumibly while the OP looks after the children.
On the basis of that it would seem that one way for the OP to feel better would be for her to have some of her own away from the children time. It might not magically make her feel wonderful again, but it would certainly help.
I think the conflict she feels about sex reflects the fact that this is the most obvious motive of the strain her relationship is under during this stressful time. But I think she should be heartened, since most of the posters who have been in her position argue that her feeligns are completely normal in this situation and will pass. She might perhaps want to share this information with her DH, since it might help him understand the situation more.
Good luck choceyes. It will get better: my DC are of a similar age gap. DD (now nearly 20 months old) was very hard work and is only now sleeping through most of the night. I am starting to see the world in colour again. You will too.

Catitainahatita - Thanks! You have analysed my situation pretty well. And I am glad that you have over come the hard bit, so hopeful that this situation and the way I am feeling won't be forever.

I am going back to work in 4 weeks time!! It will be a welcome break for me. Going to work 3 days a week and DH will be looking after the LOs on those days as he is a teacher. We are away in France most of Aug so not properly startign work till Sept, but still, as I work in academia, and no students around, my job will be pretty easy and I am so looking forward to it..

I do want sex ofcourse. I love my DH dearly, even though he can ne very irritating at times.

i wish we had family nearly who could take the DCs even for an afternoon at the weekend or babysit for an evening, so me and DH could get out together as a couple, but it is just not going to happen. Although when we are in France, my in-laws will be there for a week, and we are planning to go out for meals leaving DS with them in the evenings (can't leave DD as she still bf, but she will sleep in a car seat).

My DH got a vasectomy just after DD was born as we don't want anymore children. So at least I don't have to worry about contraception!

Having read this thread, all 17 pages, I felt compelled to register and post to add a further male perspective, in addition to DrSpoc.
My wife and I have been married for 13 years, our DS is nearly 4 years old and we have had sex once since he was concieved.
My wife had a pretty traumatic labour which left her mentally and physically scarred. Understanding this I have never pressed her to have sex and thought that when she is mentally and physically ready we would resume.
This assumption is probably the biggest mistake I have made and is probably the reason my marriage is hanging by a thread. I wish I had pushed for her to get some counselling, even now she refuses to believe there is a problem.
Without the physical intimacy in a marriage other things slip, you take the other person for granted, you do things as a family, but not as a couple. Like the OP we have no family to look after our DS, both sets of parents have passed away, and taking time out for ourselves has come second to our son.
It is hard to sum up in a post what nearly five years of enforced abstinence does to a relationship, but I can tell you what my feelings have been over the years; anger, resentment, frustration, bewilderment, loneliness, hurt, depression. Probably the hardest part is not having anyone to talk to about it, I'm sure my friends would think I was mad for putting up with it, and I'd get the predictable responses about affairs and ladies of the night, but when you love someone you do just put up with it. There comes a point however when the loneliness becomes unbearable, and despite the fact I love my wife and son, I feel I can no longer continue down this path.
If the OP is unhappy then she needs to do something, talk to your partner, we haven't and it has become a festering sore between us, which gets picked when we want to hurt each other.

Your post made me so sad badlydrawn.

You're not being unreasonable to not want sex. If you don't want it, you don't want it but surely you can't expect your Hubs to accept enforced celibacy?

Do you want to want sex? If you do then there's help out there for you but if you don't you're marriage is in bother.

badlydrawn, that is incredibly sad; very sorry to hear it. It sounds as though you have been very kind and patient.

And I meant to add, Choceyes, sorry for talking about you in the third-person. I didn't realise until reading back just now.
I'm glad that you are going back to work if you think it will help. Quite frankly I agree with you that it will be easier and less tiring than looking after your DC. Hopefully you can start recovering soon and feel more like addressing the sex thing with a more positive outlook.

badlydrawn - I could not leave your post unanswered. I registered for similar reasons to you and we are fellow travellers.

Most people on the thread have assumed I am a woman. I am in fact a man and like you my wife suffered a horrible, life threatening illness and like you I of course acted as any loving husband would. I never pushed my wife for sex and when she recovered I hoped our sex life would too.

It really didn't and for many years it has stumbled along at a very low or non existent level. I tried to hide and contain my unhappiness from my wife because I didnt want to put pressure on her. I felt all those emotions you describe. I tried to explain it as thirst on this thread to give people a sense of the all engulfing crippling longing emptiness. I have felt upset by the way people have dismissed this is an non issue and how it somehow all about a man wanting to get his leg over. As I said earlier, unless you have lived it you cannot know it. I too have remained absolutely faithful.

A few years ago I could not contain my unhappiness anymore and broke down and over a period of 3 days explained to my wife how I had hidden my unhappiness. She didnt have a clue, she had no idea. She promised to try harder and try to meet me at least half way. It really hasnt worked.

I hardly ever initiate sex for fear of upseting my wife. I do about once a year. I love my wife very much. I hope everyone who read my posts can understand why I feel a never ending abstinence or near abstinence in a monogamous relationship is so deeply unfair and damaging.

All I can advise is to talk to your wife. Searingly honest is all you can be. I am still talking and I still live in hope. I would not blame you if you walk away.

choceyes - I really want you and your husband not to be in my position.

Please dont let it happen.

Well said, SAF!

Seems the balance of opinion so far is that 9 months no sex is not unreasonable post childbirth, 5 years is. Where is the crossover point d'you think?

I once have left a man over this - he had no libido to speak of after the first months , and didn't see my problem nor wanted to address it. He never initiated, and most of the time when I did, rejected me, until I gave up because I didn't want to be rejected anymore.

It completely wiped my self confidence, and after taking it for way too long (2 years) I finally packed my bags and left when I realised that it's either leaving or a life without sex, without feeling wanted/attractive and with someone who didn't care enough about my feelings to at least talk about it. All he ever sad was "Do you really want to force me if I don't feel like it?"

At the time I left I already had been sleeping on the sofa instead of our bed for a month, had tried to talk uncounted times about it, and he still had the nerve to claim that it hit him out of the blue, as there was nothing wrong in his opinion.

It was an awful awful time, and took me a long time to get over. Lack of sex in a relationship is not about the lack of mechanical satisfaction.

sorry to hear that

hope you don't get told off because your situation was not the OPs

In sailing there's a expression/epitaph - 'Here lies the body of of Harold Day, who insisted on his right of way' ..in other words, yes you might have the moral high ground, tired, baby, toddler etc, but accepting that as a reason not to have sex might have bad consequences for you and your family.
An earlier poster put it succinctly - the DH does not want to have sex with an unwilling partner, he wants her to be willing, and enjoy it. And for all those sanctimonious people who say he should grow up, accept it etc and say their DHs would acept celibacy - maybe... but the very strong likelihood is that if he is not feeling desired and loved, whch for most men will mean some kind of enthusiasm for some kind intimacy, he will be tempted by an OW - we see it all the time on MN and in real life. He won;t go looking for it, but when she hangs on to his every word and makes him feel desired -he is human, he may hate himself for it, but he is lijley to succomb.
So like other si say, get a cleaner, tell him you are tired, and work out WITH him the the best way to work at that. make him wok with you on a solution. And start back in a small way - BJ useful from that point fo view, and as others have said, when you get back into the routine you will enjoy it more the more you do it.

MrsGuy: I think your quote says something quite different. It says that noone has the right to trample on those of others to get where they want, surely?

Apart from those posters whose advice appears to be "stop whinging and give your DH sex or he'll leave you" brigade. The main opinion I have read is that OP and her DH need to come to a mutual understanding on this issue. They need to respect each others' needs. His need to have sex must not out trump the OP need to have time to recover physically from childbirth. They must compromise if both are to be happy.

That's what I thought you were going to say when I read the quote, anyway.

swallowedAfly - it's interesting though, that as a woman I get sympathy, while the OP's husband, as well as the men who told their story didn't.

Also, pointing out that lack of sex can and will destroy a relationship isn't mean or horrible, it's just realistic.