to not want to have sex?

[choceyes]

DD is over 10 months now, and me and DH hasn't had sex for about a year now

I have absolutely no desire to have sex anymore. I'm sure it's partly to do with breastfeeding and partly to do with looking after DD and DS who is 2.5yrs. I'm absolutely shattered most days by the evenings, and all day DS and DD would have been all over me and I carry DD a lot and DS is quite clingy too since DD was born so he needs a lot of comforting and cuddles and he loves climbing all over me all the time....so I'm all touched out by the evening.

DH once a week or so asks me if we can DTD, we kiss and cuddle but I always say no sex, and DH gets sulky and last night he was quite pissed off and he went out for a walk, and has been in a mood all morning today.

I know a year is a long time and I do feel for DH, but what can I do?? I hate my breasts being touched now, and that was the thing that turned me on the most before breastfeeding, so it's like there is nothing much DH can do to arouse me anymore. And it doesn't help it that usually there isn't much foreplay (there isn't that much time, by the time the kids are in bed and housework is done) and there is always the pressure of sex if we start kissing and cuddling. DH thinks sex is imminent, but I just want some cuddling.

Frankly, the way I am feeling at the moment, I don't care if I don't ever have sex again

No choceyes!

choceyes - every time you start kissing and cuddling all you are going to do is turn him on and remind him what he isn't going to get.

Sorry but he just isn't going to enjoy that or be happy with it after a year.

I think you are being unrealistic and perhaps somewhat cruel.

To carry on my earlier 'thirst' analogy. Imagine you were really thirsty and DH gave you an empty glass and put a jug full of water just out of your reach. I don't think you would be happy.

Most men are easily turned on by kissing and cuddling and after a year he just can't take that anymore. He sounds like he is doing a huge amount round the house and being a good parent but is emotionally and physically withdrawing because he just doesn't want to be constantly rejected and left frustrated.

I'm not going to stop breastfeeding anytime soon. That would be my very last resort and to be honest my DH is very supportive of me bf and would not encourage me to stop in order to enhance my libido. He wants what is best for DD ultimately.

but I will be giving the reading more sexy books a try cos it used to work for me pretty well ;-) thanks for the suggestions!

Choceyes - really understand how you feel I bf DD until 22 months whilst working full time in education (from 14 months). Didn't have a full nights sleep in over 2 1/2 years and was just shattered. It was very hard to feel interested in sex when all I wanted to do was sleep. Especially when DD was teething her molars and was bfing every two hours again for comfort.

We have no car and no cleaner too.

I also realised though that for DH (who did still get up in the night), that sex made him feel loved and wanted and that I wanted to make him happy too. I told DH to start slow, no touching of breasts (too sensitive, couldn't bear them to be touched) and he told me that at any point if I wanted to stop I could say so. It always took me a while to get warmed up, but 9/10 times it turned out to be fantastic, 1/10 times it was mediocre.

It wouldn't hurt for you to just try it out and see how it goes, maybe when DD and DS are napping in the day time on the weekend so that you are not so tired. It is normal for your DH to be so aroused by cuddling that he wants sex given that it has been 10 months, it is great that he still finds you attractive in that way. I know it feels like pressure, but you can always stop it if it hurts or doesn't feel right. You won't know unless you try.

PintGlass - i really don't agree with your "thirst" analogy. You just cna't compare being thirstly to lack of sex.

Apparently he doesn't use his hands either. It's either sex with me or nothing. Can this be true?? Why would be lie about it?

"I am so glad I am not married to the sort of man who didn;t compromise, at the very least, in the first few years of our DC lives."

A compromise is finding a solution which works for both, it's not one party calling the shots and the other just having to swallow it.

It is possible to have sex without adversely affecting your DCs' lives!

curlychips - I know that, but if I gave up breastfeeding now solely for the purpose of improving my libido, I'd feel terribly guilty about it and would probably end up resenting it and will feel even more depressed than I do now. I love breastfeeding my DD. Like I said I am willing to try everything else though.

And if you gave up bfing for the sake of your DH you'd probably be fairly resentful. Resentment isn't good for the libido.

resenting him I meant.
Besides what's to say I'd still might not feel like it cos the exhaustion still will be there (waht about the extra work of making and sterilising feeds, all the washing up etc?)

Choceyes - fair enough, I don't think you should give up breastfeeding just to improve your libido. I think some of the people posting are setting up a DH Vs DC situation, which is really unhelpful (and unnecessary).

This may have already been said (it's a long thread!) but if he does most of the cleaning why do you want a cleaner? This is not supposed to be aggressive, just genuinely curious

Have you tried one bottle feed a night that DH can give so you get a decent stretch of sleep ?

choceyes - I am not comparing the physical need for a drink with sex.

The intense psychological pressure and longing though is what I am trying to convey.

In fact you and others on the thread seem to think this is all about a physical need. It is not. It is about the intense mental and psychological need for connection through sex that your DH wants. He genuinely feels very unloved and very hurt. He is not making it up. He is by the sound of things now emotionaly withdrawing from you to stop himself being hurt anymore.

This thread is still as disgusting and ridiculous as it was hours ago.

What kind of connection can a man possibly be hoping to create by having sex with his wife when she has said she doesn't want to?

He isn't a child; he is an adult. It really isn't that difficult to understand that many women go off sex in the year after having a baby, and that there are many other ways of forming a psychological connection with somebody in the meantime?

Haven't read whole thread, but I found libido returned once BFing stopped...

Don't worry, you'll get it back again.

Pintglass: your 'thirst' analogy is crap but here's a better one (which is not aimed at any individual poster). Imagine that when partner A and partner B get together they both love music. They love it so much that they play duets together. Loads. They don't bother much about housework (though A probably does a bit more than B while B tootles away on a musical instrument, but the difference in the amount of housework done is not really noticable) Then they have a baby. A is exhausted, getting up repeatedly in the night, dealing with the extra housework and laundry babies create, etc etc. A doesn't have the time to play a musical instrument, and is not really thinking about it. B wants to play duets, A isn't up for it at the moment. B is either continuing to play a musical instrument, sometimes really loudly, and listen to music as well, and A would kind of like to keep up with playing but doesn't have the time. What would solve the situation is B being a little more patient and giving A time to think about wanting to play some music.
Sex is more like music than drinks of water - more important to some people than others, yet something without which, life is less enjoyable.

Why are people assuming that the dh just wants sex and doesn't care what his wife feels. I suspect that what he wants is for her to want to have sex with him.

I've had it both ways, I went off sex post babies (and dh was a very supportive husband and dad, I just resented everything about early motherhood and to some extent took it out on him), and then a few years later he totally went off sex himself due to feeling very down about his body.

If you want to make love with the person you love then masturbating is not the same thing at all, in fact it can be quite upsetting.

I don't think that the OP should put out, but I do think that as a couple they need to try and move forward because this isn't a sustainable position. We can't tell very much about the relationship dynamics from the OP, and we all bring our own experiences to the table. For me it's not as straightforward as no sex = relationship break up, but it can be very damaging.

Oh, and in hindsight the period of pregnancy/breastfeeding/adjusting to parenthood (my ds are 16mths apart so it all rolled into one block) seems short, but for me anyway at the time it felt incredibly slow and relentless (I loathed all those people who said "it all goes by so fast" etc, because to me it bloody didn't!) if you are not happy time goes very very slowly.

Did you like sex before? The thing i always used to remember was that although I used to hate the thought of it when the hand came drifting across when I did eventually give in I enjoyed it as much as ever. Timing is a strange thing as well. I am not really a night time person, more a late lie-in or random afternoon sex which is not easy with kids.

You mention the other things that are annoying you, the sexual bond between a husband and wife is very important and that attraction is what normally allows you to ignore the annoyances. Give it a try again, remember you are an attractive woman who deserves good sex! Give the guy a chance, he doesnt sound like a complete tosser so I wouldn't chuck him to one side yet (that said I dont even know him so could be talking bollocks!)

Choceyes fairly to you for coming back, the more you post the more I feel you should contemplate both some individual and couple counselling. There are a few things you have said that have made me think you would both benefit from it.

I also think the 'I won't wank, I want sex with you if nothing' take by your husband is (another) guilt trip.

For those who who keep bringing up car and cleaner.

1.He let Choceyes pay towards both his driving lessons and the purchase of a car, then decided he didn't fancy driving it. Why not say no upfront and pay towards her lessons?

1. He helps her with housework and then nags her about it. Why not take the guilt free option of the cleaner which they can afford, then he would not need to call her up on it. I don't know Choceyes from Adam, but she sounds exhausted.

Olifon the thread has moved on but agreed, all things being equal, yes your original approach would good, but I just suspect all things are not equal here.

For those saying she should just try having sex, without getting to the bottom of the cause....seriously it won't solve them problem, it won't magically recreate intimacy and it has the real potential to make things worse.

Fairly = fair play......stupid phone autocorrect.

Well after reading all the posts and your responses I only have one piece of advice left.

When your 'DH' gets home tonight tell him what you said in your first post.

"Frankly, the way I am feeling at the moment, I don't care if I don't ever have sex again".

I can safely predict his reaction but at least he wil stop nagging. Then tell him to downLoad and sign the Divorce Papers.

I'd go for Fact B. Unreasonable Behaviour as your grounds for divorce or you could just wait until you force him into a postion where Fact A happens.

Good luck.