to not want to have sex?

[choceyes]

DD is over 10 months now, and me and DH hasn't had sex for about a year now

I have absolutely no desire to have sex anymore. I'm sure it's partly to do with breastfeeding and partly to do with looking after DD and DS who is 2.5yrs. I'm absolutely shattered most days by the evenings, and all day DS and DD would have been all over me and I carry DD a lot and DS is quite clingy too since DD was born so he needs a lot of comforting and cuddles and he loves climbing all over me all the time....so I'm all touched out by the evening.

DH once a week or so asks me if we can DTD, we kiss and cuddle but I always say no sex, and DH gets sulky and last night he was quite pissed off and he went out for a walk, and has been in a mood all morning today.

I know a year is a long time and I do feel for DH, but what can I do?? I hate my breasts being touched now, and that was the thing that turned me on the most before breastfeeding, so it's like there is nothing much DH can do to arouse me anymore. And it doesn't help it that usually there isn't much foreplay (there isn't that much time, by the time the kids are in bed and housework is done) and there is always the pressure of sex if we start kissing and cuddling. DH thinks sex is imminent, but I just want some cuddling.

Frankly, the way I am feeling at the moment, I don't care if I don't ever have sex again

choceyes, i think that nooka speaks -as always- sense.
Also serberpips, good question in her post 'did you like sex before' ?

Tbh you sound very very tired. I don't think a cleaner would magically solve all the problems especially as you said that he does most of the housework. Someone earlier mentioned testing your thyroid, i think it is a good idea to visit your GP and test your thyroid and your iron levels.

I know you said you dont want to stop breastfeeding but what about expressing? I think it would make big difference if you get good sleep.

The reason i want a cleaner despite Dh doing most of the housework is that, he does that at the expense of me getting a break from the kids. Like on a saturday morning he wants me to take the kids out for a couple of hours so that he can get the house tidy (but then a lot of the time he wants to meet up with a friend or go to his allotment etc afterwards so we are arguing about looking after the children again). Also, although he does housework, neither of us have time to deep clean the house and i feel the house is too dirty for a crawling baby - hence me wanting a cleaner.

PintGlass - honestly my Dh does not feel unloved or very very hurt. I asked him this last night and he just laughed at me, saying not to be silly. So no, even though he keeps asking for sex, he is in no way "emotionally withdrawing from me to stop himself being hurt anymore". we still laugh and joke and talk with each other and hug each other.

Snowmama - yes it is very irritating when he does the housework and then nags me about a few clothes I've left on the bed or something similar when I've just sat down after settling two DCs to bed at 9pm.

sherbetpips - Yes I did like sex before. Particularly when we were TTC DS which took us 20 months. Even though we struggled with infertility (Pg after a lap and dye eventually) we had great fun having lots of sex. So it's right when people say, the more youhave it the more you want.

Springchicken - i like yourmusic anology!

Nooka - yes, I can't wait till the baby toddler phase is over. I just feel it is never ending and to be honest I am not liking being a mother at the moment, it's such such hard work. Both DCs are both physically and emotionally demanding at the moment.

celadon - really?

It says she doesn't care and therein lies the real problem. She just doesn't care about her DH and I think her DH is beginning to figure that out for himself.

we did have a chat last night and I explained to him my lack of libido is caused by exhuastion and the bf and not to do with not wanting tfo be with him or not loving him. He understands this now. He said he will be happy with a few BJs for now

TBH he is also tired and exhuasted. Both DCs woke up numerous times last night and he tended to DS and he is shattered this morning and so am I. we are starting to wonder why we had kids at all

Okay, just responding to the OP's first message here. I've seen a few responses to this and I spent all of yesterday feeling pretty depressed about them. Here goes:

My ds is 11 months old. I haven't had sex since I was about 6 months pregnant. As much as my DH misses sex, he has no problem with this and is kind to me about it. I am tired. He is tired, too, so understands. I also have PND, am having counselling, and am breastfeeding. My DH seems to get - as does my doctor, actually! - why I am very off sex. I have spent a long time feeling abnormal about it. My counsellor and doctor reassure me that I will get there in the end.

I also feel like I will never have sex again. This (as I think someone else might have said) doesn't mean I won't. It is just very, very low on my list of priorities (although, of course, a worry to me, having had a good sex life before ds).

Having a baby hanging off one's boob four times a day does tend to make one feel like one has given enough of one's body by bedtime. At that stage I just want my body back for myself for five minutes before I drop off. This is besides any bf-related hormones in the mix.

My sister didn't have sex for 1.5 years after her second DS. She has a fine sex life now and is contemplating another baby. No PND in her situation, just very busy and both her and DH very tired.

Since having my DS I am more inclined to think about life being about seasons, rather than months of "normal" or "not normal". Everything is "normal" if it is fitting and right for that stage of your life. I am having a no-sex kind of stage. My DH tells me he didn't have sex for a year - by choice -in his early 20s because he felt like all his relationships were just about sex and he felt like he wanted to develop emotionally. He has a very healthy sex drive.

I do not suspect for a second that DH is having to seek out sex elsewhere. If he were having an affair, I think I would be having to arrange it for him, frankly. When he is not working he is here with me, helping with the DS. I assume that he masturbates in the shower or something if he feels the urge.

This is just my experience.

Choceyes, it is sounding positive, just hold onto this phase will pass. Good luck.

Just a quick message to say Thank You to you choceyes for this thread :) We're at a similar point in our lives and its really helpful to read of others having the same issues. I really hope things start to improve for you soon.

PS can I join the SoH fan club :)

And yes, Choceyes, great that you had a chat. The best thing!

Only read a few of the first posts and the most recent ones. Glad you have had a chat choc and I hope things get back on track for you. DH and I went through the same thing after both boys. My libido goes to zero for months after giving birth and I'm just tired all the time. He has been very supportive and completely faithful! DS2 is 2. 3 now and my libido has been back for over a year and I think I'm making up for lost time Not that DH is complaining!

I did find that once I started having sex again I was more interested so it may just be a case of going for it at some stage but pressure and nagging are not aphrodisiacs so I do think it's important to set the mood a bit - nice bath (maybe together?), a few glasses of wine, snuggle up on the sofa and just chat and see where things go...

I think it's very sad that so many people's relationships seem to revolve around sex and that they think lack of it would completely destroy them. I think it's possible to maintain a loving and intimate relationship without regular sex as long as you are both open about your feelings and don't allow the resentment to build.

Get some help!! Professional help! Your marriage will not survive a sex drought for long!

Also wanted to say that it was easier the second time because we both knew what to expect, knew what was causing it and knew that it would come back. It was quite worrying the first time though!

Having said that - our marriage is still just about limping along and the twins that killed our sex life are nearly nine now!! I wish I had got us some help much earlier ...

"Since having my DS I am more inclined to think about life being about seasons, rather than months of "normal" or "not normal". Everything is "normal" if it is fitting and right for that stage of your life. "

Well said marimo! Brilliantly put.

And sgb - I think your music analogy is perfect.

I used to think about sex like home-made pickled onions. Really delicious. I loved home-made pickled onions but somehow when I was knackered and stressed the effort of making them simply wasn't possible and I'd rather do without Not quite as poetic as the music thing I know....

finally. some sensible posts :)

Isn't it entirely normal to go off sex when you've got young children?

OK not everyone does but I think it's nature's way of stopping you from having another baby when your body isn't ready for it.

Prevailing culture says we have to be up for it, that you have to take pills if you have a low sex drive, that there is "Something wrong". Which is very convenient for the pharmaceutical industry....Women (and men's) sex drives ebb and flow and in a relationship you have to be realistic. I think some people's expectations of relationships are way too high, driven by romantic films and novels.

It may be all romance and sexiness for the first few months, and the first couple of years if you are lucky. After that it settles into something more mundane but hopefully you are still really good friends and love each other for who you are. And when you have kids you need to massively support each other regardless of who is working or not. Everyone needs looking after, not just the children.

I would say to the OP just to keep communicating well with her partner, to let him know he is loved and wanted, but maybe if you are going to feel sexually aroused you need a bit of build up. To know that your contraception is as failsafe as possible. That the kids are asleep (or that someone else is looking after them). That you might need to have a bath (together?) and a massage and share a bottle of wine (or three?:)).

You could just agreed to have a bath and a massage, a few drinks and see what happens, no pressure?

Also, to be slightly more frivolous, if I say "Richard Armitage in leather" does that help at all? :o You see that's how I know I have a sex drive.

I used to think about sex like home-made pickled onions. Really delicious. I loved home-made pickled onions but somehow when I was knackered and stressed the effort of making them simply wasn't possible and I'd rather do without Not quite as poetic as the music thing I know....

Well as long as you're not having some Sarsons on the quiet Ormirian

What % of normally sexed DH do you think will put up with no sex for 6 months? 12 months? 18 months? What do you think they will do if they don't get it at home?

Have no idea of the %. But most decent men wouldn't fucking sulk if they can't get their leg over. That kind of thinking makes it seem like all men are sex crazed beings that will leap on the first human being if they go more than a week withuot sex. Wrong! Fiction.

My dh (when we go through various dry spells, due to pregnancy, birth via section, no contraception, breastfeeding, just not wanting it) has a wank. He isn't unsatisfied...that just makes it sound like he can't function with out sex...I can't believe so many of you peddle that myth. That's what teenage boys do to get girls into bed...make uop crap about needing to be satisfied.

I have found that we get on a lot better, and DH is far happier to be attentive and more helpful, if he is satisfied

Well he needs to sort himself out. My dh is happy, attentive & helpful any time. Whether he has has recently or not.

Most of the first posts on here are crap & insulting...insinuating that will be OPs fault if her dh has an affair....for fuck sake!

Nah! I'm not a great pickled onion fan normally TBH and those weedy silverskin things just don't do it for me. I prefer the proper stuff (I put chillies in mine!)....when I have the energy. Do you think DH would like being compared to pickles?

mumanator - that is exactly what I feel too. We limp along together but permanently damaged. My posts have been characterised as spiteful. I say realistic because I live with it.

choceyes - I did post this yesterday:

"You need to find a way of giving your husband some form of physical intimacy, it does not have to be penetrative sex but something that allows him to express his sexuality and feel close to you. "

It seems from your x-post with me this morning that this is what you are suggesting to DH with 'with a few BJs for now'. Just one word of warning. That is a promise you must be prepared to commit to in your mind and deliver on in reality. Not just a vague sometime maybe in a few months time in the hope it will put DH off asking for a month or two.

It is perfectly reasonable for you to have sex on your terms. No one is suggesting otherwise. Least of all me. What is not reasonable is refusing all sexual intimacy for an indeterminent period. You have to chose one way or another.

I hope it works out for you and DH better than it did for me.

Honestly, you are not alone. Ordinarily my sex drive is high but breastfeeding killed it stone-dead, I am certain of that (though these days it's back to normal). It is very easy to lose your identity when you have young children. However, if you don't want to have sex you shouldn't be made to feel bad about it.