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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to have sex?

460 replies

choceyes · 18/06/2011 10:26

DD is over 10 months now, and me and DH hasn't had sex for about a year now Blush

I have absolutely no desire to have sex anymore. I'm sure it's partly to do with breastfeeding and partly to do with looking after DD and DS who is 2.5yrs. I'm absolutely shattered most days by the evenings, and all day DS and DD would have been all over me and I carry DD a lot and DS is quite clingy too since DD was born so he needs a lot of comforting and cuddles and he loves climbing all over me all the time....so I'm all touched out by the evening.

DH once a week or so asks me if we can DTD, we kiss and cuddle but I always say no sex, and DH gets sulky and last night he was quite pissed off and he went out for a walk, and has been in a mood all morning today.

I know a year is a long time and I do feel for DH, but what can I do?? I hate my breasts being touched now, and that was the thing that turned me on the most before breastfeeding, so it's like there is nothing much DH can do to arouse me anymore. And it doesn't help it that usually there isn't much foreplay (there isn't that much time, by the time the kids are in bed and housework is done) and there is always the pressure of sex if we start kissing and cuddling. DH thinks sex is imminent, but I just want some cuddling.

Frankly, the way I am feeling at the moment, I don't care if I don't ever have sex again Blush

OP posts:
Laquitar · 22/06/2011 12:20

Everybody keeps still going on about the sex. I don't think its the sex anymore. To put it frankly OP sounds depressed. Exhausted and totally flat. Her last post was very sad. I don't know why some posters are pleased with it.

Please chocey pick up the phone and book an appointment with your GP, nothing to lose.

Omigawd · 22/06/2011 12:34

@differentnamorthis if you are going to quote, it helps to get the context. At the time I wrote the 6month/12month/18month point, there were people arguing the two extremes of "no sex now = doomed" and those saying "DH must wait until the OP is ready, whenever that is". My point was to show both sides that its a time thing, ie is time goes by, the probability of some sort of conseqence goes up.

And I will continue to believe (on many years eperience) that it is easier to reason with a man who does not have blue balls! If your dh is not like that, and would go for a year without nookie and still be tranquility itself, then he is a saint IMO :)

vmcd28 · 22/06/2011 12:35

Laquitar, I am in a similar position as op, but in my case it mainly IS just about the sex. There are a few other things that dont help with my lack of enthusiasm, but it is primarily this mental and physical block regarding sex. As I have said, I am starting to feel differently (probably cos ds2 is an easy baby, and partly because I am bfeeding him less), but if I had two young children I'd be struggling too, but that doesnt equal depression, that equals stress and feeling a bit overwhelmed etc.
I do not have depression, but I do get sad (partly because of the libido issue), but I know it's not a medical problem I have. I personally dont think the op comes across as being depressed at all - but thats not up to us to make that assumption. Fed up and disillusioned, yes.

vmcd28 · 22/06/2011 12:37

Omigawd, "And I will continue to believe (on many years eperience) that it is easier to reason with a man who does not have blue balls! If your dh is not like that, and would go for a year without nookie and still be tranquility itself, then he is a saint IMO"

My dh is a saint then. Lucky me.

OrangeHat · 22/06/2011 12:41

Blue balls?

For chrissakes.

What do people think single men do? Presumably the same people as the ones who think it is normal for single men to use prostitutes. Well it isn't. Normal men can cope quite well without penetrative sex with a woman - without exploding, getting angry, coercing or bribing their partners, or paying for it.

Some astounding ideas about men on this thread.

OrangeHat · 22/06/2011 12:42

Sex is not a human right (as I have seen asserted on other threads), people do not die if they can't get some.

It's like the ideal scenario in the mind of a certain type of teenage boy has been adopted as fact by much of the population and it's bonkers.

Laquitar · 22/06/2011 12:43

I hope that you are right vmcd28. But if i was in OP's shoes i would check thyroid and iron as they both can cause exhaustion and depression. I'm not doctor, just a suggestion.

mumanator · 22/06/2011 12:43

Trust and intimacy in the bedroom can take years to regain once its lost ... and it is worth looking after. What about this book? resurrecting sex book

mumanator · 22/06/2011 12:44

or this one

vmcd28 · 22/06/2011 12:45

orangehat, I agree. I think it's astounding the way some women are criticising the op, who says she cant bear the thought of sex atm. Nice.

vmcd28 · 22/06/2011 12:47

laquitar, yes youre right - iron and thyroid should be checed, just in case. Sorry, I didnt mean that she should ignore that it COULD be a medical problem.

jollijojo · 22/06/2011 13:06

Your partner obviously still finds you desirable...maybe you should have a chat with him about how to make you feel desirable again. If he wants, he should give! I agree with catsu and northenlurker's comments - do something sexy first. Sth you used to enjoy during foreplay, but agree that you will not have intercourse just yet.
But there are other issues in your relationship clearly. Would he be up for some couple therapy to try and address these together? He may need to see how his behaviour and attitude is making you feel and the effect it has on you and your relationship and sex life...

swallowedAfly · 22/06/2011 14:19

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vmcd28 · 22/06/2011 14:25

SAF, youre just jealous of the people with caveman husbands.

differentnameforthis · 22/06/2011 14:30

If your dh is not like that, and would go for a year without nookie and still be tranquility itself, then he is a saint IMO

Not a saint, just a man who knows that sex isn't everything. And that sometimes, for various reasons in the last few years, I have just. not. wanted. to. It isn't his right as my husband to have sex every so often. He can go without because he knows that pressurising me does no good & is likely to turn me off, not on.

Not having sex doesn't hurt the men, you know!

swallowedAfly · 22/06/2011 14:33

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swallowedAfly · 22/06/2011 14:34

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Olifin · 22/06/2011 14:41

Great post marimo. What you say about 'seasons' really struck a chord with me. Also nodding in agreement with bubbleymummy and Insomnia

'it is easier to reason with a man who does not have blue balls! If your dh is not like that, and would go for a year without nookie and still be tranquility itself, then he is a saint IMO'

Well, either my OH is a saint or the men you've been involved with are twunts.

PintGlass · 22/06/2011 15:07

differentname - "He can go without because he knows that pressurising me does no good & is likely to turn me off, not on."

That sentence suggests your DH has just learned not to ask. Maybe he is not asking because he is being kind and considerate. Maybe he doesn't want to face yet another rejection. Maybe he just doesn't want to cause an arguement. Maybe he doesn't want to humiliate/embarass himself.

Just because a man is not asking for sex does not mean he is 'happy with the situation' unless he also has a very low sex drive. Pretending the other person is 'happy' when you have unilaterally withdrawn sex is just a way of making yourself feel better by burying your head in the sand.

We are not talking about a temporary situation here (eg illness, post partum soreness/injury) which any man should be understanding about in a loving relationship. This though is moving to an open ended situation with no prospect of ending or commitment to try to end it.

I doubt whether many posters on this thread who are being so vociferous about the DH being unreasonable have ever actually experienced living this issue as the person with the higher sex drive. Indeed, there are posters on here who have never had and never intend to have a relationship with a man so it is bemusing to read them pontificating on the issue at all.

Insomnia11 · 22/06/2011 15:22

Sad to see what low expectations women have of themselves and of their partners on this thread. Have you been reading "How to Keep a Man" by Liz Jones?

Let me tell you this. If a man is going to shag around he will. If he wants to stick with you he will. Nothing you can do about other people's behaviour, you can only change your own.

Catitainahatita · 22/06/2011 16:54

It's good to hear that you had a chat with your DH last night OP. I would only say, based on what I have read in your posts, that your next chat should be about how the household and childcaring chores are divided: specifically with aim to ensure that you (and him) are able to get some time alone (and not doing housework). You obvoiusly need chance to rest and, if he is tired, so does he.
I really don't think the issue is sex at all, but rather a question of you both trying to find a way to deal with the exhaustion that is the first few years od having children.

differentnameforthis · 23/06/2011 08:27

PintGlass

You make huge assumptions. We are both happy with the situation & dh does 'ask' and gets quite frequently at the moment. He just knows that no is no, and the more he 'pushes' the more it gets rejected.

Pretending the other person is 'happy' when you have unilaterally withdrawn sex is just a way of making yourself feel better by burying your head in the sand

Where did I say that I had withdrawn sex? I said that we have been through various dry spells & he has been nothing but patient with me. There is no such dry spell at present, so yes, we are both VERY happy with the situation.

There is no way he would back off for fear off rejection, because you know...he KNOWS why I was not up for it & understood that because we TALKED. A lot. It wasn't just like walked away from him.

But I do find you insinuating that I have sex with him when I do feel like rather...erm....odd? Weird? Fucking disgraceful? He is a man of 44. Not a toddler. He can control his urges & does so very well when required...as do I.

differentnameforthis · 23/06/2011 08:28

But I do find you insinuating that I have sex with him when I don't feel like rather...erm....odd? Weird? Fucking disgraceful?

differentnameforthis · 23/06/2011 08:36

Oh & perhaps I need to point out that my dh has 'put up with' the situation for 22yrs. We have always had drives at odds with each other & had various dry spells, including when he was suffering anxiety & his drive disappeared due to medication. That took 2 years to resolve. With little more than just hugs & kisses....but I managed to 'control' myself, and not pester him. Because. He. Was. Ill

So hey.....I guess we must be doing something right. Oh yeah...it's that we have more between us than sex!

swallowedAfly · 23/06/2011 08:45

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