Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not sure if we've gone too far with punishment?

116 replies

Humphreythehamster · 13/06/2011 20:15

DD (7) stole £5 from her teachers desk drawer at school today. She then lied and said that we had given it to her for cake stall money. When I collected her this afternoon her teacher asked me about it and I said that this wasn't true. Teacher was lovely about it and we tackled DD together and after a few more lies she finally admitted that she took the money.

DH and I have cancelled her violin lessons and brownies for the rest of the term so she won't go to either until September, she is also writing a letter of apology to her teacher now.

Is this too harsh? About right? not enough? I am so disappointed in her and upset that this has happened :(

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 13/06/2011 20:16

Is it the first time she has done something like this?

Imnotaslimjim · 13/06/2011 20:17

I'll be honest, for a 7 year old, I think its a bit harsh. I'd say a couple of weeks max (so no brownies or violin til the end of this month) I think by the time she's allowed to go again, she'll have forgotten why she was being punished

YellowDinosaur · 13/06/2011 20:20

I think it depends on how she usually behaves.

If she has form for this (or other similarly bad behaviour) then not too harsh.

If she is generally good I'd be wanting to know why she really felt like she needed the £5. And I'd do the letter of apology and then give her chores that she needed to do to earn the money (twice the money in fact) or dock her pocket money (or take from birthday money et) if she has her own money at all.

I prefer to make the punishment fit the crime which stopping her going to her activities doesn't really do (unless they cost a lot of money which isn't up front)

saidthespiderwithahorridsmile · 13/06/2011 20:20

I think it is excessive. Particularly the violin lessons - learning an instrument is a commitment, not a treat imo

I am not judging you AT ALL though, it must have been horrible for you to have to deal with this. I wouldn't have a clue what to do if it happened to us, I would be so upset. Your punishments aren't my style, but I can't swear that my way would be any better than yours.

poor you Sad

JamieAgain · 13/06/2011 20:21

It's harsher than I'd go for, but not wrong, IMO. Stealing and lying about it is serious. How much thought did you give to the punishment? Are you just worried because you did it in a knee-jerk way? I have done similar myself and now I always have a good think so I can impose whatever it is without feeling at all ambivalent about it.

squeakytoy · 13/06/2011 20:22

I would say it isnt harsh enough. Stealing money like that is a really bad thing and she is certainly old enough to know better.

TakeMeDrunkImHome · 13/06/2011 20:25

I think it is too long of a punishment. I would be furious and embarassed and disappointed - as you are - but I am not sure if the length of the punishment will do the "job" as it were. I would punish for 2 weeks perhaps a month so that it sinks in and it is 'painful' to have to miss these things but after longer than that will she not just become "used" to missing lessons/brownies? Therefore it isn't really a punishment?

I can't write/put things together as well as most people here but I hope that makes sense.

JamieAgain · 13/06/2011 20:25

Makes sense

pranma · 13/06/2011 20:25

I'd cancel Brownies,make her write the letter but dont cancel violin as she may well lose ground.
I'd give her a cuddle tell her you are very disappointed but you will always love her[she will be wondering] and together you will put it right.

Original poster
Humphreythehamster · 13/06/2011 20:26

She hasn't stolen before but we have had some behaviour issues with her which involve lying to get others in trouble. She's incredibly clever but not brilliant socially. She already owes us 2 weeks pocket money for cheapy jewellry that she wanted and we bought for her (we will sub the kids up to 2 weeks worth for something specific). Taking away her DS etc would make no difference to her so we tried to think of something that mattered to her :(

OP posts:
maddy68 · 13/06/2011 20:26

to be honest I think you did exactly the right thing. If you back down now or reduce it you will lose her respect.

Stick with it, its only a few weeks until the end of term, she needs to know how wrong it was. She could have had a far worse punishment from school. My school (where I teach) she would have had an exclusion at the very least.

topazmcgonagall · 13/06/2011 20:28

I think it's a bit too harsh for a seven year-old, especially if she's never been in trouble for anything like this before. I'd explain to her that you cancelled her activities because you were very upset she had done such a thing. But now that you've had time to reflect you can see that she's genuinely sorry (assuming of course that she is) and that you will only be cancelling her activities for a couple of weeks. I think you should also find out why she took the money. Stay calm. Discuss her letter with her when she's written it. She did something wrong, she's not a bad person.

clemetteattlee · 13/06/2011 20:28

I think it is about right. It is only five/six weeks until the end of term and you need t choose something she cares about. Only stopping pocket money works here...

Alambil · 13/06/2011 20:29

sounds fine to me. 7 is plenty old enough to know she's in deep trouble.

Original poster
Humphreythehamster · 13/06/2011 20:29

We've done the 'we love you but we're very disappointed' with her. It's always the first port of call for me as I grew up with conditional love and I don't want my DC feeling as awful as I did.

OP posts:
LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 13/06/2011 20:30

It's not too harsh as there's only 6 weeks left of term.

Good on you for being persistent.

Original poster
Humphreythehamster · 13/06/2011 20:30

Oh, to answer 'why' she said she took it because she wanted to buy an eyeball (some toy she saw at the weekend).

OP posts:
Georgimama · 13/06/2011 20:31

I don't think it's too harsh. Stealing and lying to try to hide it are both pretty bad. Hopefully a fairly harsh punishment like this will nip this kind of behaviour in the bud.

DialsMavis · 13/06/2011 20:32

I think it is OK, this sort of thing has to be nipped in the bud. DS lying to me is the only thing that has/would make me really really angry. Recently we went on holiday to Australia for 3 weeks, he usually lovely but was appalling the entire trip. he missed football for a half term afterwards as a result.

MigratingCoconuts · 13/06/2011 20:36

I also think this is reasonable...what she did was wrong on so many levels and she needs to learn the lesson now... (unless she hates violin and you have done her a favour Grin)

DoMeDon · 13/06/2011 20:37

YANBU - taking away something she likes for a long time shows how serious this is. Stealing AND lying (as Georgie said) are both bad, together even worse. Do you have any idea why she lies? I did it for attention as a child.

spookshowangel · 13/06/2011 20:40

she stole and lied. she stole from a person of authority. i dont think you were harsh enough. definitely dont back down, what would that teach her?

Vicky2011 · 13/06/2011 20:40

I think it's about right as much because you have said there is a tendency to lie ,so while the stealing may be a one-off, the dishonesty isn't. Certainly don't go back on your original punishments - would send the wrong message. Clearly a bright kid, you'll need to stay one step ahead :)

highhopes2010 · 13/06/2011 20:41

I would say your punishment was right, I would do exactly the same. Maybe I would of been more harsh,asking the teacher to keep her in at breaks for a while and let her keep her violin lessons instead?

280169 · 13/06/2011 20:42

no its not too harsh, she has stolen money.She has lost her teachers trust.

Its hard but she will hopefully learn.Stealing and lying to get others in trouble are very wrong.
How is she getting on with others at school? is she happy in general does she like her teachers?

You must feel very let down but I think once you hav set the punishment you need to see it through.