not sure if we've gone too far with punishment?

[Humphreythehamster]

DD (7) stole £5 from her teachers desk drawer at school today. She then lied and said that we had given it to her for cake stall money. When I collected her this afternoon her teacher asked me about it and I said that this wasn't true. Teacher was lovely about it and we tackled DD together and after a few more lies she finally admitted that she took the money.

DH and I have cancelled her violin lessons and brownies for the rest of the term so she won't go to either until September, she is also writing a letter of apology to her teacher now.

Is this too harsh? About right? not enough? I am so disappointed in her and upset that this has happened :(

whether or not you have gone too far I think you have to let the punishment stand in order that she benefits from it

i would have done the ban for the rest of this week only. BUT spoken to her once daily to enforce the reasons behind not stealing etc until she was sick to death of hearing about it.

For a 7 year old, i would think that would be fair punishment.

whenever my DD aged 6 misbehaves she's always been sent to the top of the hallway to think about what she's done, this is her first port of call in punishment. once ive had a bit of time to think about it myself and have hopefully worded up what im going to say - the punishment etc - i'll call her down and try to calmly tell her what is going to happen. im glad ive done it too because there have been times im so utterly shocked at what she's done ive been ready to seriously tear her a new one so that time out has done me more good than her. stealing from the teacher would be one thing i'd crack at. punishment is entirely reasonable.

Gee Super you get so angry at a 6 year old that you are "ready to seriously tear her a new one"?

That must be quite a frightening sight to behold for a young child.

As parents we can get quite angry and out of control ourselves at times and I think this is why children's first impulse is to lie. I think it's a combination of self preservation and also an attempt to halt the escalation of parent's rage.

I think it is too harsh. I think a week of no tv and ballet etc plus the letter is enough.

Oh dear, OP I have a great deal of sympathy. Yes, she needs to understand her actions have consequences, but I must take issue with the two methods of punishment you have chosen.

Removing her from Brownies is not going to improve her social skills. She will have to explain to her friends and siblings why she can't go. What will happen? Will she be shunned by her mates for stealing from a teacher? Are you happy for this to be part of her punishment? Do you feel its is approproate for her to potentially lose friends and/or be ostracised at school? How will this help her social skills?

And will she feel she has to tell more lies about why she isn't going to Brownies, therefore compounding the issue? Would you be happy for her to tell lies to her friends? Will you insist that she tell the truth and suffer the consequences? Or will you be informing her Brown Owl, friends and their parents yourself about her misbehaviour? How will this appear to your other daughters and to other people outside the family? How will she feel about returning to Brownies knowing everyone there knows she is a thief?

If I were your daughter's violin teacher I would NOT be taking her back as a pupil in September. Unless you have paid in advance, the teacher will be losing money and you have given no notice of your DD's withdrawal from lessons. Why should the teacher suffer? Your DD will be also losing a hard-won skill.
Learning an instrument is far too important to treated the same way as playing computer games for fun. It is a cumulative skill that requires a great deal of practice. IMHO this is like banning books.

Please have a rethink. Keep her off Brownies for a couple of weeks by all means, and find some more immediate punishments to reinforce the message if you must, but the potential ramifications of making this such a VISIBLE punishment, not just within the family but the wider community, are rather nasty.

its harsh but stealing from her teacher is pretty naughty (i.e had she stolen from you, less severe!). I think you need to show zero tolerance so your punsihment whilst harsh, will learn her!

sorrt byt thuis has me me smile at your cheeky little 7 year old, the chutzpah!

I think that's a reasonable punishment. Also may be worth reiterating what will happen if she does it again. Ie no brownies, after school clubs or playdates etc.

i am incredibly good at hiding my feelings that is why she goes to the top of the hallway so i can let it out and think about it clearly / discuss with OH if he's home. its usually more shock at her behaviour that makes me very angry. she doesnt see it dont worry she's a well adjusted non scary mummy seeing child :) she often tells me she loves me 16 million hundred and that im the best mummy in the world all without a beating too...

The level of punishment sounds absolutely fine to me. She's old enough to know that you don't take things from the teacher's desk and you definitely don't take money that isn't yours.

She took something from the teacher's desk.
She then lied about it to the teacher.
She then lied to both you and the teacher when confronted.

The actual punishment seems odd to me. If you're worried about her social interaction, taking her out of brownies for a month - which surely helps improve her social skills - isn't necessarily helpful. And the violin lessons are educational. Having said that, if these are the things that matter to her and will make the lesson stick, you didn't have much option. For some children being sent to their room or losing tv rights doesn't seem to bother them.

I would take the advice given above about pocket money. The two week advance thing means that if she wants something, she gets it straight away. It doesn't really teach patience or the idea of saving up for something you want, which to me is part of the point of giving pocket money. I also wouldn't tell anyone else about why she's not going to brownies. It would be unkind and unfair for her to feel that everyone knows what she did. She acted badly, she's been given her punishment, it's time to move on. I wouldn't talk about it to her either now, unless she raises eg not going to brownies. If she does, just tell her she knows why and move on to something else. Try not to stay angry at her.

YANBU. If she's bright, she will hopefully learn the lesson that stealing and lying get you deep in to the doo doo. I have a wilful and bright 8 year old, and I also have to put very serious consequences down for any bad behaviour. He'd shrug off a week of discipline with barely a raised eyebrow. We're hoping he uses his powers for good when he's older.

Slightly harsh if its a first offence. You need to get to the bottom of why it happened

I consider things like Brownies/cubs and music lessons etc to be educational, and a good outlet of energy (which helps with behaviour) not simply treats, so I personally wouldn't use things like this as a punishment.

I don't think the length of the punishment is severe, what she did is totally unnacceptable and needs to be nipped in the bud (as you are doing).

I would consider altering the punishment though, what you used would depend on your dc, only you know what they adore and makes them tick.

Could you try using a positive punishment? Is there something she could help the teacher with (something she doesn't relish of course :)). She could do something positive to make up for what she has done, and also improve relations with the teacher.

Do you know why she lied? Was she just bold as brass lying or do you think she was just too scared to admit what she had done?

Also, (sorry for multiple posts) is she genuinely sorry? (about what she did, not about getting caught )