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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My brother attacked me in front of my DD. Is it really my own fault??

124 replies

LittlebearH · 13/06/2011 14:05

We were having a row in the car over his inability to get a job and my brother hit me over the head 4 or 5 times and bruised my wrist. My mum and DD were in the back of the car. I screamed at him to get out. DD (16mo) was crying and all my mum could say was that I dont know when to shut up. So I told her to get out too.

He is 31.

No real harm done physically but I feel like my mum is excusing his behavior.

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 13/06/2011 14:06

I'd be tempted to report him for assult to make him and your mother realise that at 31, this is unacceptable behaviour in the eyes of the law, regardless of what you said.

YANBU

Pagwatch · 13/06/2011 14:07

she is excusing his behaviour.
there is no excuse for him hitting you. none at all.
awful behaviour. your mother is being ridiculous.

as a totally seperate issue perhaps rowing in front of your dd is not a great idea either.

TattyDevine · 13/06/2011 14:08

You probably should generally avoid having rows in front of your daughter if you are concerned for her general wellbeing and want to protect her... but sometimes these things just kind of evolve...

Glitterknickaz · 13/06/2011 14:09

I'd have him prosecuted for assault.

TeddyMcardle · 13/06/2011 14:09

I'd avoid them all, just slowly cut them out of your life is they think that behaviour is acceptable, you don't want your dd growing up seeing this.

d0gFace · 13/06/2011 14:10

No its not your fault. If it was the other way round how would she react?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/06/2011 14:10

Funnily enough I know one or two adult siblings that still come to blows in an argument situation. I think it's bizarre, frankly, when people resort to childhood behaviour patterns like that. No excuse for 'grown-ups' either having a screaming row and certainly not if it ends in hitting people over the head. Your mum probably doesn't want to take sides but you and your brother probably both need to work out how to deal with disagreements a bit more maturely in future.

InPraiseOfBacchus · 13/06/2011 14:11

Please, please, go to the police immediately. He assaulted you. Your rights are more important than your mum's denial.

belgo · 13/06/2011 14:12

Are your parents scared of him? Do they feel they have to shut up before he gets angry?

MrsTwinks · 13/06/2011 14:12

I concur with the assualt thing, also, in the car? were you driving?? I

Original poster
LittlebearH · 13/06/2011 14:12

No it isnt pagwatch, I feel terrible about that too. I have never raised my voice in front of her before.

He lives with my mum and I have tried over the years to help him sort his life out but he has an excuse for everything. My mum tries to be the voice of bloody reason but she always defends him.

I am too old for this sort of crap but I dont want to hurt my mum by making it worse by involving police etc. She only has us.

I cant help but feel angry with her too though.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/06/2011 14:14

Do you think there is anything behind the aggression beyond being infantilised & spoilt? Do you suspect he's depressed? Substance abuse? Alcohol problem?

Original poster
LittlebearH · 13/06/2011 14:14

I was in drivers seat, but had stopped the car when things heated up.

He hit my mum once, but when I brought this up she said oh that was years ago Hmm

OP posts:
WkdSM · 13/06/2011 14:15

There is no excuse for violence within an adult relationship (whatever the relationship or lack of one).
I would refuse to have anything to do with him unless he makes an abject apology. What will you loose - an unemployed man who turns to violence in front of children to make someone shut up?
I would not report it as it is his word against yours (as mum seems to be on his side).

Blu · 13/06/2011 14:15

Terrible, terrible behaviour, he should be ashamed and embarrassed and your Mum should not make excuses for him.

But on a separate issue, is it your business to criticise his ability to get a job or not?

Original poster
LittlebearH · 13/06/2011 14:15

Suspected aspergers..never been diagnosed. Him not me that is.

OP posts:
HellAtWork · 13/06/2011 14:16

YABU to your mum and your brother. If your DP had done this would your mum think it was acceptable? Or your Dad?

Or how about the next time she's telling you you should be doing X or Y (as is a mum's prerogative) you lamp her over the head 4 or 5 times and sprain her wrist.

This is awful. Hugs OP hugs. Your mum is excusing your brother violently assaulting you, because your words are apparently the equivalent of a violent physical assault. Sounds like a bad case of Boys will be Boys.

I agree with the Posters who say withdraw. This is exceptionally toxic. Will your DD be 'asking for it' if she's having a whingy day and your brother loses it with her? I know that's an extreme example but your mum is already excusing your brother being (a) violent to you; and (b) doing it in front of your daughter. How far is she willing to stretch the excuse? I think you should cut them out sadly. I would not want my DD spending time with her Grandma if there was any chance my brother would be around during that time.

ikoto · 13/06/2011 14:18

YANBU, it is not the way to deal with a disagreement. Although unless he asked, I don't think you should be commenting on his employment status. Not that that excuses in any way shape or form.

DoMeDon · 13/06/2011 14:18

Your mum sees him as a child, she should not be excusing his behaviour but he's her 'baby' Hmm.

I imagine it being a huge row which escalated with neither of you backing off. His behaviour was appalling - no excuse for it - but I imagine yours wasn't great either. Just get that feeling maybe I'm wrong. If I am apologies, if not learn to leave these kind of rows.

IHateMarlo · 13/06/2011 14:19

So he's going to continue getting away with been a man-child who never has to take responsibility for his actions. He didn't lash out unthinkingly, he did it several times.

If you don't report him he will continue to think/see it as having done nothing wrong. He lives with your Mum? What happens if she does/says something he doesn't like does she get a slap around the head too?
Is your daughter ever in the house with him what happens when she?s walking/taking and does something he doesn't like.

If this is the first time he's used violence it needs to be made clear to him that it is not acceptable, if it's not the first time he needs to be made understand that it stops now

FilthyDirtyHeathen · 13/06/2011 14:20

Of course it isn't your fault.

I do have to ask you though what difference does it make to you whether he has a job or not? You are not responsible for him, he is an adult and he has to sort his own life out. If your input meets with a slap then from now on leave him to it. As for your mum, she has chosen to support him, she is an adult, leave her to it as well. I am not saying cut them out. I am saying detach with love.

ZXEightyMum · 13/06/2011 14:21

My sister once attacked me when we were both adults. Kicked me in the stomach while my Dad looked on and told me it was my fault for not pandering to her aggressive tendencies even though my sister is twice the size of me.

I wish I had pressed charges at the time but in my some families it is normal. That doesn't mean that is isn't WRONG. It is very wrong. I still see my family but that is because my sister and Dad are, like most bullies, terrified of DH.

"No real harm done physically" after being hit on the head repeatedly and a bruised wrist? Take photographs now OP. There is no excuse for his behaviour, brother or not.

belgo · 13/06/2011 14:21

What support does your mum have with him?

Previous violence against her, and now violence against you, possible undiagnosed condition.

It sounds like he needs help.

blackeyedsusan · 13/06/2011 14:22

you can get your injuries photographed by victims support. you can log it ith your gp. they are then on file if you do want to take it furhter.

MooMooFarm · 13/06/2011 14:22

YANBU. It is terrible for your mother to react by saying 'you don't know when to shut up' - whether he has Aspergers or not. Maybe a side issue, but when you say 'suspected' do you possibly mean your mother says this to excuse it? I'm just wondering why he's never been properly diagnosed?

Anyway, I can see how under the circumstances you may not wish to press charges for assault (as you have been assaulted). But I would definitely start to distance myself from your M&B. They do sound toxic and are not good for you to be around, let alone your DC.