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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My brother attacked me in front of my DD. Is it really my own fault??

124 replies

LittlebearH · 13/06/2011 14:05

We were having a row in the car over his inability to get a job and my brother hit me over the head 4 or 5 times and bruised my wrist. My mum and DD were in the back of the car. I screamed at him to get out. DD (16mo) was crying and all my mum could say was that I dont know when to shut up. So I told her to get out too.

He is 31.

No real harm done physically but I feel like my mum is excusing his behavior.

OP posts:
Blu · 13/06/2011 14:23

Right.
Well that is AIBU by stealth if anything is!

Bottom line, nothing makes it OK for him to hit you, or anyone, or for your Mum to blame YOU.

But as a separate issue, maybe your Mum feels protective of him because she recognises he has difficulties and may be vulnerable. Hard for him to hold down a job if he has an undiagnosed ASD and doesn't have strategies and support for dealing with it. Getting mad at him is unlilkely to help, don't you think?

Maybe you have to take a step back, let your Mum handle it in her own way, and not engage with it yourself.

But find out if he does ever hot your Mum - could she be hiding the truth, do you think?

Original poster
LittlebearH · 13/06/2011 14:27

A long story, and the reason I had a go at him was down to yet another missed opportunity (as I saw it)

I want him to be independant from my mum, she is tired and supporting them both and has done for years. I dont care if he works but I care about my mum.

I guess I shouldnt let it get to me but it does. My mum has had it rough over the years but as far as he goes, I think she is too tired/scared to argue whatever.

I think it is time for me to step away from him. But it will hurt my mum.

OP posts:
Ormirian · 13/06/2011 14:27

Of course it isn't acceptable.

But it might be an idea to press for a clear diagnosis for your brother.

bringmesunshine2009 · 13/06/2011 14:28

Domestic Violence is NOT limited to a former/current romantic relationship. It is still DV in a family. Same abuse of trust you see. Thus treated v seriously by the feds.

Am sorry for what happened to you, not so much the beating, more your mum's reaction, which to me (weirdly) seems worse.

RevoltingPeasant · 13/06/2011 14:29

OP don't know if this is similar to your situation but....

After she entered her mid-late teens my littlest sister (who is bigger than me) went through a really aggressive phase physically. I think she was very frustrated and acted that out by slapping, hitting etc. E.g., once she slammed a door into me such that the handle hit into my arm (if you see what I mean) leaving a bruise that was the size and shape of a small banana. She also threw a stone at my face and narrowly missed shoving me down the stairs. Once I lost it and slapped her hand away when she was hitting me, and my mum got very upset and told me I was having a 'temper tantrum'.

We are not a weird dysfunctional family, honest. I just think people with maturity issues (my sis, not my DM) go through periods where they don't know how to express themselves properly. And parents don't see it.

What I would do is: sit down with your DB and DM and say calmly that whatever the rights and wrongs of the argument, you are very upset that he hit you. Ask your DB straight: 'If I had a boyfriend who hit me, would say he was right, or would you tell me to dump him?' Point out that no matter the rights and wrongs, technically you could go to the police.

Then ask him what he is feeling. Are you the older sis? Sometimes younger siblings who see you 'succeeding' where they feel they have failed can feel enormous resentment. He may just not know how to channel or express it properly. It is not your fault, but you may need to back off on the advice or learn how to give it differently.

ZXEightyMum · 13/06/2011 14:31

Oh sorry, didn't see the posts about suspected Aspergers. My own son is autistic and has a "thing" about pinching babies so that he can then kiss them better and comfort them. It's terrible. He wants to experiment with emotional responses because that is an area he has difficulty with but it is fucking abhorrent and I don't tolerate it at all.

I've been hit around the head / cheek in almost all my relationships and it is awful. Hurts a lot for weeks.

RevoltingPeasant · 13/06/2011 14:33

..... And I feel your pain about the not-working thing. My DM and DF are separated and my DM is significantly financially worse off, but she continues to support my youngest DSis. For ages DSis refused to get a job even tho' my DM was diagnosed with high BP primarily due to financial worries and stress. This was one of the things we argued about.

I approached this by sitting down with her and telling her I loved her, thought she was clever and had lots going for her, but that right now I was very worried about our mum, who was ill with stress. I said I thought we all needed to help her because otherwise it could deteriorate into heart disease. I asked her to help me think through what we could all do to reduce DM's stress and this included DSis helping out financially.

Would a similar approach help with your DB? My DSis doesn't have ASD so don't know if this is appropriate.

TotallyLovely · 13/06/2011 14:38

OP Your op has described my life! (nearly made me cry)

ZXEightyMum And yours Sad

Blu · 13/06/2011 14:38

I can understand your concern for your Mum and wanting things to be different for her. But there may be alternative and more effective means of help and support. Listen to her, ask her what she is most worried about, ask her what she thinks are the most effctive strategies for getting your brother to do something, ask her what SHE most wants, I don't know...but getting mad at your brother for something he may not be able to help is not getting a good outcome fo anyone - including you.

Really sorry you got battered - very unpleasant, and frightening.

MumblingRagDoll · 13/06/2011 14:41

You realy need to take action. Letting him get awy with this is wrong...ifmy brother did that my Mother would kick him out straight away. Your Mother should have suported YOU and helped to kick him out.

Sorry you got hurt!

pumpernickel10 · 13/06/2011 14:42

I would report him no need for violence and your baby was in the car,disgusting behavior I hope your ok OP

Original poster
LittlebearH · 13/06/2011 14:42

Have tried so many times. We just go round and round in circles.

If they were not my only family (other than DP and DD) and they had a life of their own, I would have given up.

OP posts:
BooyHoo · 13/06/2011 14:45

"He lives with my mum and I have tried over the years to help him sort his life out but he has an excuse for everything. My mum tries to be the voice of bloody reason but she always defends him. "

you need to step back.

he assaulted you. taht would be a line crossed that i couldn't ignore. he is your brother, not your child, you have no repsonsibility for him. dont get involved in his life. leave him to it. i would also be reporting him to the police.

AppleyEverAfter · 13/06/2011 14:46

Police, now. You have a witness. Who the hell does this guy think he is? I have a brother the same age and we have the odd row but never in a million years would we hit each other. The sibling thing is not an excuse for being violent towards another human being. Would he do this in a work situation if he got a job? Or with a girlfriend? His behaviour needs addressing and hopefully a police caution would make him realise he needs to sort his life out. And if he has mental issues, he should be seeing his GP about them so he can get help.

Groovee · 13/06/2011 14:48

He was wrong to assault you, but at the same time at 31 he's an adult and it's up to your mum to tell him to sort himself out not you. Until that time comes you are best keeping schtum.

maypole1 · 13/06/2011 14:48

I though you were going to say he was 14 or something dear load, his temper maybe the reason why he can't find work

LolaRennt · 13/06/2011 14:50

Get him a diagnosis if there is something there, and then maybe someone can intervene and help him properly.

If however he speaks to a professional and they say there is nothing wrong with him besides being an arse.... Well you have your answer and you should avoid him like the plague. It will probably also be a weight lifted off your mothers mind if she sees he can actually look after himself.

latitude · 13/06/2011 14:50

I would consider reporting him, my brother attacked me last year and although he was only 13 that was bad enough. If you don't want to report him, I would suggest you at least take a step back from his life.

TotallyLovely · 13/06/2011 14:50

I must say that in my experience the best you can do it walk away. It's what I had to do.

DogsBestFriend · 13/06/2011 14:55

It is NOT your fault and will NEVER be your fault. No excuses, no arguments, nothing.

Personally I'd involve the Police withput hesitation if I had the energy to carry on dealing with the situation. Experience has taught me that the longer you do deal with this kind of crap the less energy you have and, worryingly, the more normal and acceptable it is, or so you convince yourself.

That being the case, as I suspect it is here, the only option for your own sake is to walk away. Sometimes you just HAVE to look after yourself and stop putting other people first, no matter how much you love them.

Whichever you do, you must take steps to ensure that you are NEVER a punchbag for your brother (or ANYONE) again. This is NOT the way to live.

Mamaz0n · 13/06/2011 14:59

I have 6 brothers. We used to fist fight almost daily.
Until we reached late teens/adult hood.

If my brother hit me now he would be arrested for it as i would call the police.

Your mother is a disgrace

bananamonkey · 13/06/2011 15:01

He gets away with it because your mum excuses it and you don't want to cause a fuss, the more you let it go the worse it will get and you will go round in circles. It's just enabling him to think this behaviour is acceptable because there are no consequences. If my mum thought it was acceptable for me to be assaulted in front of my child then I would be reconsidering my relationship with her. I am furious for you, please call the police.

Original poster
LittlebearH · 13/06/2011 15:25

I dont think my mum thinks it is acceptable behaviour at all. But I feel by her saying to me "you dont know when to shut up" that is exactly what she is saying.
IYSWIM

OP posts:
kaid100 · 13/06/2011 15:39

YANBU, and I would definitely report it to the Police. Your mum won't get into trouble with them, only your brother will.

CeliaFate · 13/06/2011 15:46

Yanbu. To hit you is completely unacceptable. I would have thrown them both out of the car too, and I wouldn't be seeing them or speaking to them for a long time.

You can't change how people behave - your mum will always run round after your brother I suspect (mine does!). Her comment and his actions are completely out of order, time to step back and leave them to it.