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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My brother attacked me in front of my DD. Is it really my own fault??

124 replies

LittlebearH · 13/06/2011 14:05

We were having a row in the car over his inability to get a job and my brother hit me over the head 4 or 5 times and bruised my wrist. My mum and DD were in the back of the car. I screamed at him to get out. DD (16mo) was crying and all my mum could say was that I dont know when to shut up. So I told her to get out too.

He is 31.

No real harm done physically but I feel like my mum is excusing his behavior.

OP posts:

Original poster

LittlebearH · 14/06/2011 09:39

TotallyL - I didnt think it was paronising.

I am grateful for all the very varied, honest opinions and advice.

OP posts:

realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 14/06/2011 10:28

I have to say that reporting him to the police will do no good. My Bro has been in trouble with the police for various petty reasons (driving offence usually, as much has he leaches off everyone he is actually very honest and has never stolen anything in his life!) and it has made absolutely no difference to his sense of responsibilty - just made it even harder for him to grow up and live a normal life as he now has a record. Plus mum and dad have ended up paying all his fines or helping him out with his astronomical car insurance as that then acts as a barrier to him working!

He even asked me to lie to the police for him once. Sad thing is I almost considered it (never thought I would EVER do anything like that!) until they turned up and luckily my brother just confessed everything. It is easier said than done to turn a relative into the police. Unfortunately my mum and dad had to do it once - they pressed charges against him when he hit my dad as they needed a way to get him out of the house as they didn't feel safe in their own home any more. The police were then forced to keep him away from the house as it was in fact domestic violence, and therefore forced to find somewhere else for him to live. This happened to him on boxing day, and he still harps on about how my mum and dad "kicked him out" at Xmas. He cannot and will not ever accept responsibility for his actions. I think he has a personality disorder. Do you think your bro might have something similar?

I also think you maybe should cut your mum some slack too. You were by no means in the wrong, but she probably hates the whole situation, but like my folks she rightly or wrongly has learnt to walk on egg shells around him as it makes for an easier life than rocking the boat and standing up to such an unreasonable human being. She probably hasn't got the heart to kick him out as she knows he wouldn't last 5 minutes in the real world so she just kind of puts up with it. But I bet if she's honest she would do anything to get her life back and feels trapped in the situation.

Isn't it funny how it is always men/boys/brothers who can't look after themselves (I may be wrong - don't flame me - just what I have observed!)? I swear if I have a son I'm teaching him to be independent from as young an age as possible! My mum said to me the other day that she has just sort of accepted she is going to be wiping my bro's arse til the day she dies. How sad.

PotPourri · 14/06/2011 10:33

I think you need to walk away from him. And I agree with blackeyedsusan. Get pictures and go to your GP so that it is registered somewhere. You cannot let your child be in that house if he is going to be there. What is she shhhhh ....annoys him....? Would your mum stand by as he hit her too as she should not have kept pulling his trouser leg or whatever?

Aspergers - oh I see, so it's ok to be a layabout and a violent thug then - erm no! Keep out of his life and keep him out of yours.

Your mum is your mum I see no reason why you can't still have a relationship with her. But personally I would say the relationship, as you knew it, with your brother has now gone. Move on. Yes, start a new relationship - but be very wary and build it as you would any relationship - with care and slowly.

TotallyLovely · 14/06/2011 10:54

I don't think that asd/aspergers etc is an excuse but it IS a reason.

Ormirian · 14/06/2011 11:11

"Aspergers - oh I see, so it's ok to be a layabout and a violent thug then - erm no! Keep out of his life and keep him out of yours."

Nothing like a bit of empathy then

Of course it isn't OK to be a 'layabout' and a thug but the point is that stage wouldn't have been reached if he had been helped and supported properly in the first place. Whether or not the OP feels obliged to share her mother's burden in supporting her brother after this incident, is entirely up to her, and I wouldn't blame her if she didn't, but don't dismiss this condition as a cause for his behaviour.

I feel very sorry for all of you OP. Your mum's reasons might well be good ones but it's clear she isnt helping. Your brother needs support from professionals.

DandyLioness · 14/06/2011 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TotallyLovely · 14/06/2011 12:57

Dandy Huh!? No one ever knows every other posters life story, of course they don't, we can only go on what people write which is what I did.

As for the Aspergers thing, when it is your close relation you don't need to have a diagnoses to know there is something wrong and it doesn't take much research to be able to figure out which are the most likely conditions. If his family think he has ASD and they have read up on it then I am inclined to accept that as they know him better then anyone.

DandyLioness · 14/06/2011 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 14/06/2011 13:26

I have to say DL, that parents can do very little in terms of "getting" adult children who live with them a diagnosis if their symptoms manifest in adulthood. My brother clearly has something wrong, but my parents have no power whatsoever to get him to seek help from professionals, and if and when he has had appointments they cannot force him to turn up, nor force him to disclose any information about what was said/done, nor can they get any info from anyone due to confidentiality. And this is not for want of trying - they have done everything they can within their power. Most HCPs have washed their hands of my bro due to his attitude and non-compliance. That is not my parents fault, and they have not done him and the rest of my family a disservice.

DandyLioness · 14/06/2011 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialShadow · 14/06/2011 13:39

Step away from them both.

Your mum is an adult. She makes her own choices and have to take the consequences. As do you. Dont let her excuse him for being violent to you.
Bullshit that she needs you. She probably does not see it that way. Some adults cant be helped. You, like me, possibly suffer from Responsible Daughter Syndrome.

Original poster

LittlebearH · 14/06/2011 15:34

Ahhh Responsible Daughter Syndrome.... :) Symptoms include duty, guilt etc.....

My brother was suspected of autism when a teenager. The school dealt with it badly. He was assesed but wasnt deemed to be affected enough to warrant special needs help. There wasnt the awareness of the whole spectrum there is now. Mum at the time was also having to cope with Dad walking out and leaving the home under the threat of repossession and a stroppy teenage daughter.

Since being an adult, as a family we have looked at the symptoms autism again in particular Aspergers as it seemed to ring bells and he has himself admitted he "ticks more than a few boxes"
I have tried to encourage him into seeing GP about diagnosis but he doesn't see how it will improve his life. (anyone dealing with Aspergers or autism will know how hard it is to get them to do anything)

Thanks again for all the advice.

OP posts:

TotallyLovely · 14/06/2011 16:07

Dandy Back in those days most children weren't diagnosed and were just thought to be different. You are living in fairymary land if you think a child should have been diagnosed with Aspergers before it was even widely recognised as a condition. How would that have happened exactly? Time travel perhaps. You don't know enough about it to be critical, clearly.

"just because posters aren't saying they've had similar issues, doesn't mean they haven't" - there is only so much we can assume on here. When people say "call the police, that's illegal", why for a minute would I assume they have been through a similar thing. You are expecting the impossible and also suggesting that no one should comment on anyone else's post just in case they have more experience of the matter then their post suggests!

You are totally right though about violence becoming normalised.

TotallyLovely · 14/06/2011 16:08

LittlebearH My brother was just sort of left to get on with it, he wasn't even assessed which is so sad! When I think about the help that he and my parents might have got otherwise

DandyLioness · 14/06/2011 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TotallyLovely · 15/06/2011 10:15

DandyLioness What the hell are you talking about?!

TotallyLovely · 15/06/2011 10:18

Regarding this I'll admit though, that I am a bit sceptical of you as a poster ever since you were outed for sock-puppeting on another thread after you had a post deleted

I have no idea what thread you are talking about or what post I had deleted or what sock-puppeting is. And how can you be sceptical of "me as a poster"? You mean you think I am not real? What the hell are you talking about woman?!

PotPourri · 15/06/2011 11:48

Ormirian - I am empathising! There is aspergers in my family. And all to often it is used as an excuse. It is a reason why some things are harder to deal with for that person. But it still does not make it acceptable to sponge off of someone, and to be violent to them.

I stand by my statement, you've done your bit, now you need to walk away and leave him to it. It is damaging you, and it will damage your child's view of what is acceptable behaviour, either for herself or how other people treat her.

DandyLioness · 15/06/2011 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TotallyLovely · 15/06/2011 13:10

DandyLioness Yes please link the thread as I don't know which one you are talking about. I name change regularly so who knows if I have been on the same threads under different names?! I often name change when I think that I won't be posting back on any old threads but I'm sure it happens, in fact I know it does as I had an old thread ressurrected yesterday and had to put that I was the OP.

I don't know why you are picking on me Dandy (sound about 5 now) but that's what you are doing.

LilQueenie · 15/06/2011 14:01

i would be at the police for that. Again a similar situation im in. DPs brother has some mental health issue but its basically the fact his mother babies him and sticks up for him to the point my DP has learned to say 'dont provoke be civil to him' I say fuck off. Im not taking abuse from him. If I cant say anything back to stand up for myself what the hell do they want? Me to sit and take it. Standing up for yourself is not provocation. Especially as I never speak to him and its always something he starts. Violence is not acceptable even if there are health issues. It is not your fault. And i know it can be made to feel that way. ITS NOT.

DandyLioness · 16/06/2011 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TotallyLovely · 17/06/2011 13:05

Well that's a lot of assumptions that you are making there.

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 17/06/2011 13:07

Were you driving???

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