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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My brother attacked me in front of my DD. Is it really my own fault??

124 replies

LittlebearH · 13/06/2011 14:05

We were having a row in the car over his inability to get a job and my brother hit me over the head 4 or 5 times and bruised my wrist. My mum and DD were in the back of the car. I screamed at him to get out. DD (16mo) was crying and all my mum could say was that I dont know when to shut up. So I told her to get out too.

He is 31.

No real harm done physically but I feel like my mum is excusing his behavior.

OP posts:
bananamonkey · 13/06/2011 15:51

From the info you have given here, by excusing the behaviour and blaming you for 'not knowing when to shut up', your mum's actions are showing that she does think it is acceptable, unless you think she would support you reporting it to the police? It is not your fault at all, I hope you are ok op.

LouMacca · 13/06/2011 16:27

So sorry this has happened to you OP.

I would never forgive my brother if he did this to me, you need to cut him out of you life now. It sounds like your Mum is scared of him - to basically tell you that you asked for it is disgraceful!! Is that what she really thinks? You need to sit down and talk with your Mum and if she still thinks you asked for it then you are better off without either of them.

Original poster
LittlebearH · 13/06/2011 17:20

For those that asked. I am ok. I feel more upset about my mum though. She is probably in bits. But I cant forgive this one. At least that is how I feel now.

He has text me to say he is sorry and disappointed at himself etc but went on to say I wound him up. Oh well that is ok then. Sod. He also text DP to explain. (I suspect that this is because he knows DP at 6ft 4 would floor him with ease, not that I would let that happen. It would only make it worse)

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 13/06/2011 17:30

I would have him arrested.

Your mother should be ashamed too.

WTF do people enable this behaviour.

Original poster
LittlebearH · 13/06/2011 17:33

I wouldnt say I enabled his behaviour. I dont think anyone does.

OP posts:
Blu · 13/06/2011 17:37

Can you text back and say you appreciate his apology, but if he can't control himself however wound up he gets he needs to talk to his GP about anger management or the other issues in life that cause him to lose control?

Angry at texting / explaining toyour DP as if you are his property he has damaged.

Maybe DP should text back the same message - 'seriously BIL, if you cannot listen to an opinion you don't like without violence you need to seek help - GPs can be very helpful'

thefirstMrsDeVere · 13/06/2011 17:39

He hasnt apologised, he has blamed you for winding him up.

Thats isnt an apology.

He has hit you, he has hit your mum, who is next?

ChitChattingagain · 13/06/2011 17:40

She was talking to you, and was addressing the part of the incident that COULD be controlled by talking to you, which was your participation in the incident. You probably SHOULD have shut up. If you were at the point of yelling so badly that you had to pull over, what the hell were you thinking????? It WAS irresponsible of you to help escalate the situation to that degree. And yes, you DID help escalate it.

It is wrong that he hit you, but you were sticking your nose in to protect your mum. Well, newsflash, your mum is a grown woman. You can try to help, but you can't bully anyone, and if you are yelling at him, that's exactly what you were trying to do.

I think he is far more in the wrong, but you are not his or your mother's keeper/minder.

mumeeee · 13/06/2011 17:41

YANBU. He shouldn't have hit you whatever you were saying, He's 31 not 3,

oohlaalaa · 13/06/2011 17:41

I have two brothers, and if either of them hit me, I would not have them arrested.

Actually my older brother, who's autistic, has hit me. I'm probably in the wrong over this, but I just couldnt go to the police.

I'm sorry for what you have experienced. If I was in your position, I would want some space from my family, at least for the short term.

YANBU. It is not your fault. Your brother cannot win an argument with you, with words alone, and so he lashed out. He knows that you are right, and he needs to get his act together, which is probably why your words upset him. The truth always hurts.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 13/06/2011 17:44

Yeah women should shut the fuck up or get a smack Hmm

ChitChattingagain · 13/06/2011 17:48

No I don't think women should shut the fuck up or get a smack - don't be so utterly ridiculous. But why the hell would you get into a rip roaring argument whilst driving????

I said he was more wrong, NOTHING can make hitting right. But if he didn't hit her, I would still think they were both stupid idiots for arguing to that level while driving.

ENormaSnob · 13/06/2011 17:51

Letting him just get away with it and your mum pandering to him is enabling his behaviour.

I have 2 brothers, 1 of whom is aspergers.

They would be arrested if they hit me.

Especially if it were in front of my dc.

Rhinestone · 13/06/2011 17:52

I would be phoning the police. But I appreciate your reluctance to do so out of (misguided IMHO) loyalty to your mum.

I think your only option is to cut him out of your life. What happens if your DD 'winds him up' one day? How would you react if he hit her?

Original poster
LittlebearH · 13/06/2011 17:57

FWIW I was not driving. I had already pulled over when the row started. We were in a residential close prior to my mums road.
It was just an argument. I wasnt yelling, but I hit a nerve and that is when he lost it.

Ooohlaallaa, I think you understand my situation quite well.

When my brother was at school age, the autism spectrum was not as well recognised, at least where we lived. My mum tried to get help. But the system failed her and him tbh.

I am not making excuses for him or me here, but just to give more clarity.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittlebearH · 13/06/2011 18:00

He wont be seeing me or DD anymore. But is difficult as he lives with my mum and I know how this will affect her. Rightly or wrongly, she is my mum and if I did involve police, it would destroy her.

OP posts:
redwineformethanks · 13/06/2011 18:02

Could you phone the police and say that you don't wish to press charges but you would like them to visit him and warn him off, explaining that this could result in a criminal conviction and how seriously it is taken in court etc ie give him a scare but without taking it too far.

Agree with others who say that "I'm sorry but you provoked me" is not an apology

killingTime · 13/06/2011 18:08

I had a similar situation though it hard to see how what I said was in any way aggressive or argumentative in what I said but my parents blamed me - though only one saw me assaulted.

I would not have had the confidence to report it - and would have had no support even though brothers girlfriends had complained about DV - though they not taken it further ie to the police just had sense to kick him out. Doing that would have meant the loss of my family - and I could not do that at that age.

I've backed away from him - and stayed away and over the years increased the emotional distance from my parents as they have proven emotionally unsupportive of me and mine. I do not let them complain about rest of family to me - they have the power as your mother does to make changes but they do not.

If you feel you can report this then do - if not back away from the entire situation. IME it won't change - it's a set pattern.

sofadweller · 13/06/2011 18:23

This is really between him and your mum. If she is not bothered by his behaviour (which may be explained but not in any way excused by his possible diagnosis) then its really her business.

I agree with the people who say back off, and I would explain to your mum exactly why you feel you have to do this.

I suspect that although she may never acknowledge it, his behaviour to her within the home may also be of concern.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 13/06/2011 18:30

Your brother's behaviour was completely unacceptable, but it seems odd that you would choose to discuss what appears to be an ongoing contentious issue while driving,

If you found it necessary to pull over and park up, why didn't you say that we're not going anywhere until we agree that there will be no further mention of the subject instead of (presumably) continuing the debate?

In saying that you 'don't know when to shut up', could your mum have a point? Have you martyred yourself by taking on your brother's problems and berating your brother over his apparent inability to get a job, and has any discord between the two of you taken its toll on your mum?

If your mum needs support or coping strategies to deal with having her 31-year old unemployed son still living at home, I'm sure you can find a way to help her without finding it necessary to confront your brother or otherwise comment on his shortcomings unless she specifically asks you to do so.

With regard to your brother's violent outburst, is the first time he has vented his frustration in this manner?

If so, I think you should endeavour to forgive him while making it crystal clear that should he assault you again you will report him to the police.

Please note that forgiving is not the same as forgetting, and until you have confidence that there will be no repeat of this type of incident you're best advised to keep your distance from your brother.

Original poster
LittlebearH · 13/06/2011 19:30

Izzy you amke some good points. In hindsight, I could have shut up and then it would never have happened. But it might of another day.

We have always had a rocky relationship but as far as him hitting me - i thought he would have grown out of that when we were kids.

It is really tough because his everyday behaviour affects how my mum spends time with us. ie she will never stay for dinner as she has to rush home to do his and when he needs to use HER car etc etc.

I rarely go round there because my brother will still be in bed till lunchtime which immediately puts things off on a bad footing.
I have told her before she is mollycoddling him, but she just cant be bothered to argue or make a fuss.

This morning was just the icing on the cake for me. He has just been to Thailand to visit our dad and complained that he had no money to pay for his phone bill. He had stupidly used it abroad. Which is what his jobseekers allowance pays for every month.

OP posts:
mollymole · 13/06/2011 20:21

LittlebearH
It would seem to me that your Mother is afraid of her son and is doing all she can to keep herself safe and you may well be doing her a favour by reporting his behaviour to the police - would you DH have a serious word with him or will this just make it worse for your Mother
as for you - I would keep away from him - bring your Mother to visit you or arrange to see her out of the home
My brother no "2" is a very dangerous person so I do have some insight into this behaviour and believe me it gets worse
How did he get the money for a flight to Thailand if he is on JSA

Original poster
LittlebearH · 13/06/2011 20:25

Thanks Mollym,

The money he got from his claim at being mis sold PPP on a loan he should never have been given in the first place. Given that he was unemployed.

I have some thinking to do.........

OP posts:
manticlimactic · 13/06/2011 20:27

You know what, my sister was exactly the same. With regards to the not being arsed about getting a job with a regular income. I used to try and help her and sort her shit out but all I got was a load of shit back from her.

So you know what I did? I didn't even speak to her for anything other than plesantries. If she moaned about anything I said 'I don't want to know! I can't help, I've got no opinion. I've tried and it wasn't appreciated so from now on I'm done. Talk about the weather, the price of fucking baked beans but I don't want to listen to you anymore' . Now she's up shit creek I'm the only one who couldn't give a shiney shite - and I'm the one she's bawling her eyes out over because she thinks I don't care..too right.

Make sure you tell him that if he ever ever raises a hand to you again then you'll be off to the police. I would go now but if you don't want to....

HerBeX · 13/06/2011 20:28

Of course it's not your fault.

He's committed a criminal assault and it's obviously normal behaviour in your family - your mother isn't horrified by it, it probably looks and feels familiar to her.

How you and your family respond to this assault, will be a very important lesson for your children.