My brother attacked me in front of my DD. Is it really my own fault??

[LittlebearH]

We were having a row in the car over his inability to get a job and my brother hit me over the head 4 or 5 times and bruised my wrist. My mum and DD were in the back of the car. I screamed at him to get out. DD (16mo) was crying and all my mum could say was that I dont know when to shut up. So I told her to get out too.

He is 31.

No real harm done physically but I feel like my mum is excusing his behavior.

You can wtihdraw from your mum for a while, it doesn't have to be a big permanent thing. You are understandably hurt by her actions. I know you want to be there for her but (i) you can lead a horse to water... and (ii) what about her being there for you. Relationships are two way.

Hope that DP is looking after you tonight you must still be shaking and no, none of it is your fault. What we can have arguments with family without expecting to be assaulted. FWIW I couldn't go to police if a family member did this as one random thing either, unless I was concerned for people living with him.

yes red flags for DV here in your mum's behaviour and denial. I really think you should get the police involved. She does seem scared of him.

OP was your Dad violent to your mum? As clearly she sees your brother attacking you as normal, I think the pair of them need help and for the sake of your DD you need to cut them out of your life, sounds like they deserve each other

God - sounds just like my brother. Can't hold down a job or do anything for himself - he is happy to let everyone wipe his arse and take take take, yet if we dare say a word he lashes out. I too have been told off by mum and dad for speaking up sometimes, but he can get away with doing or saying anything.

He also has mental health issues apparently - though he will not conform with any treatment he is offered - and though it sounds harsh it has become a bit of a card he plays to excuse his laziness and manipulate people into getting what he wants.

I feel for you. Don't know what to suggest though. But YANBU.

realhousewife...sounds about right. You have my sympathies.

OP It's easy to see why you might be reluctant to go to the police. No one wants to get a relation into trouble if it can be avoided. I have often been in that situation, although not any more as we no longer see each other.

When you report a member of your own family to the police it affects everyone within the family and their relationships with each other for ever. It was not your fault what he did OP (neither was it mine) but I never wanted to be that one to take that step that would leave my brother with a permanent record and have my whole family blaming me for it forever, which of course they would. I am sure that you must love your brother as well (deep down somewhere) which makes it so much harder to do then if it were a stranger in the street.

I think a lot of the people posting here don't seem understand that and just see that he did something illegal as so you must go to the police . . . it's not as easy as that! I still have (a lift time of shit from my brother later) loyalty towards him I suppose but I guess I am also condition to feel what he's done is not that bad.

My brother also has some kind of Aspergers/ASD which they didn't diagnose back then, it was never even mentioned so there was no support what-so-ever for our family. It means he has a horrendous temper and was hell to live with and my parents did almost nothing to protect me, so I can imagine how let down you feel by your mum. My parents, when I told them they had to do something, would just look sort of glazed. Nothing was ever done. If anything they mollycoddled him like your mum does your brother. My mum always made excuses/covered up things he'd done for him which to a certain extent she could as he has some SN and doesn't react like "normal" people.

I suppose I feel like they always put his needs first, what about me? Didn't I deserve to be protected? (This is turning into therapy now, I'll be asking for the tissues next!)

It doesn't matter that you were driving or in a car, he should not have hit you. It doesn't matter that you were arguing with him, he still should not have hit you. You should be able to feel that you can argue with people if it arises without worrying about your safety.

I will say though - best not to get involved. I had my brother living with me and got him a job with a friend in an effort to try and help him sort himself out. Worse thing I did - he fucked up the job, didn't pay rent, threw it all back in my face. My mum and dad have only just got him to move out for good recently but they still bail him out financially all the time. Somehow the other day I ended up cleaning his filthy flat, while he hung out the back door smoking fags, because he was leaving his flat with no notice as he had squandered his rent and had to move into a caravan - and I wanted my mum and dad to get back the deposit that they paid. Just being around him stresses me out!

Just don't get involved. It is your mum's prerogative if she puts up with him - and as parents we can probably see that it is hard to wash your hands of your kids, no matter what they're like. But you as his sister can distance yourself. I do. I hate seeing the way he abuses my mum and dad - but I just try not to think about it as it brings me down and I have enough stress in my life! He is also violent - he squared up to me when I was pregnant after he had got pissed and violent yet again at my mum's 50th, and I was trying to take him away from the situation so he didn't ruin her birthday!

I would just take a big step back. See your mum but not with him around. He is old enough to look after himself.

Your partner should be having a word with him, your brothers behaviour was unacceptable, your brother needs to be told that if he ever raises a hand to you again he will have to pay for it either via the police or with a visit from your husband.

You should not involve yourself in your mothers and brothers affairs, your mother cleary does not mind him being a leach and a sponge.

Let them get on with it.

I would have nothing further to do with your brother he is a waste of space.

It's tempting to think that there may be a way to use this incident as a turning point whereby you are suddenly happy families again, brother in work, mum free to live her life etc, but realistically it's not going to happen.

While your brother's apology may be sincere, it's unlikely that he'll feel remorseful for very long and he'll carry on using your mum as his personal drudge for as long as she's willing to tolerate it.

The only person who can change this situation is your mum and, as cruel as it may seem, to some extent you have got to withdraw from her because, in highlighting your brother's shortcomings, you're providing a distraction and standing in the way of her seeing that she currently has a needlessly impoverished quality of life.

When chatting with your mum keep everything upbeat. Don't mention the war your brother. Don't ask about him. If she says anything negative about him or her situation, make a polite non-committal response (along the lines of 'o that's interesting') and change the subject.

With summer coming up, could you include your mum on a couple of all-day outings with no specified return time? Maybe a car trip to the coast, a meandering drive home with plenty of nice scenery to look at, and maybe a stop off at a nice country pub or an easily rectifiable breakdown of an hour or so thus ensuring that she isn't back to cook dinner/hand over her car etc. Maybe even a short break somewhere that has unreliable mobile phone contact?

The objective is to get her into a space where she is enjoying her unfettered state in the hope that she'll realise what's she's missing - and why she's missing it -with no nudging or prodding from you.

I'm well aware that it's easier said than done; you'll need to be forebearing and tolerant with no guarantee that your patience will be rewarded, but at least you won't be tearing yourself to bits over your brother and adding to your mum's problems.

My plan B would be to stick brother's details on a dating for the desperate site in the hope that there'll be a sucker taker that might, even temporarily, cause him to get his act together and take some heat off your mum, and get mum engaged in as many local activities as possible in the hope she'll be swept off her feet by a charmer who'll kick your brother into touch.

We can but dream, but real life can be stranger than fiction and miracles do happen.

Agree with izzy. My folks got a bit of respite when bro moved in with a girlfriend for a bit - though he came back eventually when she'd had enough of him, and can't blame her tbh as I wouldn't wish him on my worst enemy!

Agree with FabbyChic.
I wouldn't try helping your Mum, hard as this sounds, but but being the emotional whipping boy for your brother it something your Mum is committed to now. She won't stand by any action you take against him. He will always win her support and you will come off second best. Not because she loves him more, but because her guilt and anxiety and stress will always move her to help him. I'm betting she's scared that he'll fold without her. Leave him well alone. I wouldn't involve the Police because you will make an enemy of your Mum. She is his protector, albeit sometimes unwillingly. I too have lived like this, and almost lost my sanity at one point. I keep my mother and brother at total arms length.
You DP having a word would hammer a message home perhaps because hitting you is cowardly and absolutely, totally wrong. And your Mother can't retaliate with him as she would with you.....

Cuddles TotallyLovely and says 'take no notice. it's obvious that, despite all you've gone through, your heart's in the right place and that says a fuck of a lot about you'.

Awards DandyLioness a emoticon and suggests they have a large glug of this and chill out for a spell.

It doesn't matter what you said. He has no right to hit you. You are both grown up, and he is responsible for his own behaviour and what he did was assault you.
Your mum is making excuses for him.

Yeah, you're totally right DL emoticon.

And how do you propose getting a 31 year old to sort out his issues or seek the support he needs before he embarks on a relationship? (Notwithstanding the fact that a significant number of the dp/dhs complained about on this site should have done the self-same thing before they set foot on the primrose path).

Or do you think that reporting the asshole to the police will provide a fast track to meaningful help, and improve family relationships?

emoticon.

Sounds like my brother, he is 40yrs old and has NEVER had a full time job for any lenght of time. The longest was 6 months when he was 25yrs old and ever since then he has been on the dole and just does voluntuary work in a charity shop to avoid being 'made' to get a job.
He is happy to live in a bedsit in filth and I've given up nagging him. At least he is useful to my dad when he needs to take a break from looking after our mum who has Dementia, so in a way it's good that he does not have a job as he is effectively a 'carer'.

Your brother needs to get his own place, even if it's a bedsit, then he might pull out his finger.

How does working in a charity shop let people get away with signing on for years?

I thought it would mean their cash got cut.

Thanks Izzy!

DandyLioness I hardly think it is patronising, it's a fact! How on earth did you get patronising from that?!