AIBU to think my ex should have said thanks?

[fuckmepinkandcallmerosie]

This is "my" weekend with the kids. Ex's sister is visiting from abroad, there is a family sunday lunch today.

He asked last night if he could have the girls to go to the dinner - I said yes of course - they've just left.

But when he arrived to collect them he just commented on DD1 outfit (That's a bit trendy) and left.

Absolutely no thanks for this, I appreciate this, or anything.

Would it have been mannerly for him to say thanks? Or AIBU?

Scroob- I'm not ignoring the suggestions, but I've tried most of them, if not all of them. WRT to the clothes, the girls have gathered up the clothes and put them in bags to take to school and he has refused to allow them to take them. Or he has gathered up bags and handed them to me saying it was the clothes I was looking for, and when I've looked it's old stuff he's put in the bag.

I am responding to the suggestions but it's frustrating that it's not being recognised that I have tried almost everything. I have had scenarios where DD hasn't got to do PE because he has held joggers and trainers, and I've had to buy new ones eventually. DD1 had a "lost" hockey stick - I bought a new one months ago and the old one has "appeared" this week.

Yes, I could go out, and the DD could text to say they're home a bit early, but as I have said he has form for going into my house if he's dropping the kids off or picking up stuff and I'm not here and I don't like it

How many of you would be comfortable with your ex coming into your house if you weren't there?

And I have ages ago taken on board that I should have said no to him taking them yesterday and I was BU to expect thanks.

But honestly, Buzz, you say I need to think of a way round these things, trust me I have. And every time I think I have a strategy to work around him, he comes up with a new piece of fuckwittery that blows the whole thing to smithereens.

You have to live with it to understand.

I had a scenario, I explained on the other thread, over a coat that was DD2 favourite coat. I packed her off on a school trip, he picked her up. Coat disappeared, as did all the other stuff in the case. The coat is distinctive, it has bright flowers all over it.

Talked to and texted and emailed ex about the flower coat. Had never seen the coat, had no idea what coat I was talking about. He tore the house apart looking for it it wasn't there. DDs both searched for the coat, coat not there. They asked his mother who does his washing, she had no idea hadn't seen coat. Went into school, hunted school, no coat. School asked other children if they'd taken it home by mistake - no sign of coat. Phone place where they stayed on the trip, no sign of coat. Coat has vanished.

Me and DD came to the conclusion that the coat had been nicked and we'd buy a new coat.

Except that he came to mine to do a pick up of stuff and when I was putting stuff into the boot of his car, there was the bloody coat. He didn't look there for it

Does that explain it any better?

That's a fair comment. It must be incredibly frustrating.

Do your DDs need to have a key right now? Might it be better for them not to have keys until they are older and understand for themselves that it's not OK for their dad to come in the house when you aren't there?

Re clothes, it sounds like the girls themselves recognise that this is a problem. I think you've got to be firm with them too and explain that either they ensure that they bring their clothes back or, yes, they will wear those hideous 70s cast offs next time they do to visit him. I know that sounds harsh but ultimately he is the problem here - they will see that pretty quickly and develop strategies to deal with it because, after all, most teenage girls like nice clothes to go out in. You can't protect them forever, much as you might want to.

But I suggested that the girls go to the neighbours instead of going into the house (alright, I didn't specify take the key off dd) to avoid the scenario of him in your house, should they be brought home early.

Sorry Buzz I misunderstood - I thought you meant that neighbours could keep an ear out for them - yes maybe they could, but then that's taking a chance that they're in, but yes you're right I have 2 sets of neighbours who wouldn't mind.

OP, you need to get control. Now. And when he says "You're so controlling", simply reply "Yes, I am, they are my children and I would die for them, the least I can do for them is be in control."

Stop filling in fucking spreadsheets, it's ridiculous. If any solicitor asks you to do that again, report them to the Law Society. It is up to you how you spend maintenance. If you are providing your girls with a roof, food and clothes he has zero right to even ask what your spending your money on, it's harassment.

WRT clothes - the girls need to take control. It sounds as though he has someone on 'his side' (mother?) chipping away at him about what they wear ("trendy?") and he is too weak to say "I don't care what they wear, they are my girls and I love them" instead he is taking some kind of pathetic stand (egged on I would expect) and as a result dressing them up like twats. Poor girls. They're not dolls you know :( Talk to them about how they feel in those clothes and give them the permission and strength to stand up for themselves.

And finally, for all those saying YABU, you're not. Courtesy is not a big deal with your ex. BUT it will be a big deal to your girls, you are their mum and he is their dad. Is it OK in a stable home for the kids to see Dad constantly treating Mum like shit? Geez, you can't even pretend to get on for them. That's horrible. The most important thing children of separate parents need is permission from each parent to love each parent. By refusing to even be vaguely pleasant, he is making it obvious that he loathes you and doesn't even respect you. Can you imagine at 10 years old telling your Dad that you love someone whom he cannot even be polite to?

Now DS is 11 I get him to make a lot of the decisions (within reason and with absolute permission to favour either me or his dad). When I asked him how he felt about the doorstep handover (v. similar, not even a modicum of pleasantries), he said he hated it - found it so stressful, knowing we could row at any time. I asked what would make it better, he replied that he'd prefer dad to beep the horn and he'd go out. He does that now and he's much happier. I hate that, but I cannot speak to the man, he is a monster.

BTW I am not judging you at all, I have done all of this and it has taken me 9 years to get to a decent place with it all.

In fairness, in my earlier post about your neighbours I was thinking in those terms , but when you said about your ex going into your house, I did take it on board. I do think it might be a way round it. If both sets of neighbours are going out, then stay in, but otherwise have them as a safety net.

I didn't fill in the spreadsheets, the solicitor was pissing himself laughing. And Maintenance, what's maintenance ? Like I said, self employed, good accountant.

It's not his mother chipping at what they wear, it's him. But I have to say I was amazing proud of DD1's head flick and "whatevva" at him as she poured her long legs in her skinny jeans into the car . I thought she looked lovely, trendy but not in any way inappropriate.

Ex won't get out of the car when he drops off at my house, unless he needs to have a go at me about something. Me and girls cart stuff out to the car, he pops the boot from inside the car, I load the stuff into the car. (That's how I saw the coat, under a pair of his wellies and some stuff he needs for work, I could see the corner of the coat poking out)

The clothes things must be so annoying! All I can say to that is that they are old enough for that not to be a problem for long!

What a horrible thing to be proud of. I can't imagine any father not worrying about their daughters growing up - what they wear, having tits etc etc. Obviously you scored a point there though, well done you.

I feel you should get your DDs to take responsibility for their clothes if nothing else. My ex was as controlling as yours but I allowed my DCs to know that I didn't make all the decisions wrt their visits with their father and that allowed them to look at behaviours of us both (I NEVER , EVER bad-mouthed him just let the truth "Shine-Through"). It slowly altered the dynamic and they finally understood that this was not the "good" father he had portrayed himself as. Now as adults with DCs of their own they have a distant relationship with him and he has 2DDs from a second marriage who are also distant with him and he STILL doesn't know what he did wrong.

The only loser in the long term has been him.

Justonemore- I was proud of her for sticking up for herself and disengaging from his crap. Yes I was, not a point score, but she has far more self confidence than I ever had and I will do whatever it takes so that he doesn't beat it out of her like he did me.

Gotolder - that's almost exactly what DP said last night - he said in 10 years ex is going to look back and wonder why they don't bother with him. And he still won't understand.

Can you extend the dropping off and picking up from school to weekends like this one?
You know he has more school clothes, so make sure that you don't send your DDs with any clothes other than they're standing up in.
And definitely make sure DD doesn't havea key when they go to visit him.
If you tell your DD you need it to let somebody in, or just tell her that you don't want her coming and going on her own when you're not there.

(but also make sure she doesn't tell her dad this, or he'll probably get her another key cut at some point)

Also, I'd be inclined to keep all receipts of extra stuff you'vce spent, fill in that spreadsheet (and do include everything you buy for the girls - including their portions of food, their portion of the water, electricity, gas, and toiletries - at 12, DD1 will be starting periods, and her sanitary stuff should come out of it, too, as well as clothes and PE stuff and new trainers and hockey sticks.)
that's got to be more than you get in Child Benefit.
then tell him he owes you for the difference (i'd bill it through your solicitor, too)

I'd also be tempted to do the speadsheet stuff that nicklebabe suggests.

Nicklebabe - that is a genius idea. would be a pita to do but still so worth it.

She bloody stung me for uber expensive deodorant at the weekend too, because the stuff I bought (was just sure) wasn't a nice enough smell

there you go - that's one thing to add.
also any pocket money you give them.
a pita, yes, but hopefully it will shut him up for a minute or two.
(and might even make him return some things)

Nickel - that's another bone of contention, he never ever gives them any money.

Do it! Do it! Do it! At least just to wipe the smirk off his face.

You could also put totals of how much CB is, how much child maintenance they receive (big 0) and how much the short fall is.

i would say (having only just looked, because i've never looked into child benefit before), that at £20.50 per week for your eldest - it definitely costs more than £20.50 a week to bring up a child!
You could be "owed" a fortune from your Ex!

What a pathetic man to quibble over that amount of money!

I get £134.80 per month for both of them (I think it's that)

ah, but that must include income support, he was quibbling spefically over CB - which isn't near that much.
(but I bet you still pay upwards of that in total each week)