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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think my ex should have said thanks?

255 replies

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 12:56

This is "my" weekend with the kids. Ex's sister is visiting from abroad, there is a family sunday lunch today.

He asked last night if he could have the girls to go to the dinner - I said yes of course - they've just left.

But when he arrived to collect them he just commented on DD1 outfit (That's a bit trendy) and left.

Absolutely no thanks for this, I appreciate this, or anything.

Would it have been mannerly for him to say thanks? Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 18:54

I wish I had said no when he asked because we would have had a nicer day, and me and DP wouldn't have been held to ransom by him. Which is how it feels. Our evening is subject to his whims and when he decides to come back, even though he can't stick to the original agreement. We had agreed a time, he could have said to DD no sorry we have to go home.

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 18:55

Tomhardy - yes but on the other thread I was advised by MNetters not to text him but to talk to him, which is what I was trying to do.

And for the record, when I spoke to him he launched right into me, why could I not be more chilled out, why was I not doing xyz blah blah - it was all an attack on me from the start of the conversation.

OP posts:
Grabaspoon · 12/06/2011 18:56

I don't think he needs to thank you - they're his children also.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 18:57

But it was my weekend with them, and he was asking me a favour in letting him take them. Don't you thank people when they do you a favour?

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 12/06/2011 18:58

Having read a bit of the back story, I think that next time he asks for a favour, unless it suits you to give it to him, then say no. If he agreed to be back at a certain time, then he ought to be, because you do have a right to make your own plans and not have to wait around for him to show up.

Just chalk this one up to experience and don't do it again.

JazzieJeff · 12/06/2011 18:59

Well, you know what to do next time then! Next time he wants a favour from you regarding the girls, you'll be 'busy'. When he returns them, I'd be cold and brisk with him and quietly get them ready for bed. Don't bring it up with them. Just keep it in the back of your mind.

What is your usual agreement regarding the child care? How is he towards you usually?

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 19:02

Usually he has them one night a week and every other weekend. This was "my" weekend and I agreed to let him take them to try to be a decent person, and let the kids see their cousins. He must have known they were coming, yet he didn't ask me til yesterday, for a start. When he agreed to 5-6 return it was like drawing teeth to get him to agree and he was pushing for "I'll just drop them back whenever" and I said no to that because me and DP don't get masses of time together and I wanted to be able to do something with him since he's here.

And not texting until after 5, when you're an hour away, and are due back between 5 and 6 is wrong I think? As is getting a child to do your dirty work?

I just feel like I'm being really unfair somehow, it feels like he's set it all up that I've been unreasonable and yet I don't know what else to do - if I text he ignores, if I phone he rants.

Oh and normally, he's an arse.

OP posts:
Wellnerfermind · 12/06/2011 19:04

But your children have enjoyed the visit?
Surely that's the main thing.

My DD is supposed to be with me today but she asked to see her gran and then goto ex's for tea, I suppose I could have said no to that.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 19:05

Yes they have. But do you know when she's coming back Well?

OP posts:
swash · 12/06/2011 19:06

OP, I have definitely found that a rigid access arrangement works best - but you have to accept that the children miss the odd family thing. Next time say no - because you are wound up and it isn't worth it.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 19:08

I should just have said no.

But that WOULD have BEEN U

OP posts:
Wellnerfermind · 12/06/2011 19:11

No.

I may get a call asking if she can stay over.
Which'll leave me and DS for a quiet night.

Is your split recent?
I'm 5 years down the line now and tend to let things go.

tomhardyismydh · 12/06/2011 19:11

in that case I would avoid being so flexible then, you don't deserve to be treated in that way.

My ex is very controlling and that is why I tend to txt, that way my response can be more blanket without having to keep justifying myself, I find it easier that way then I can just repeat my response without deviating to an argument.

I also avoid being so flexible as he then expects it every time and has a go at ,me when I cant be. I have struggled to get him to keep a consistent routine and as he works shifts he says he cant commit to specific weekends so I expect a five week schedule from him, some times he forgets and it goes on for weeks, with him calling or texting saying ill be over on Tuesday, for instance. I tend to say no sorry we are busy untill he gets his five week schedule to me as it just does not always work being flexible.

I think you need to stick to your schedule strictly for a while and if he questions tell him that on this occasion he was very unreasonable and you cant be expected to tolerate it and so untill you can be sure he will not talk to you like that again its best to stick to the agreement in place. I think texting keeps this message clear.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 19:12

Well what age is your DD? My two have school tomorrow, and ex has "form" for pissing about and returning them very late on Sundays when there's been family occasions on his side.

OP posts:
HauntedLittleLunatic · 12/06/2011 19:19

I'm with you...having just had a text from xp 'just

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 19:26

I just feel held to ransom.

My gut instinct yesterday was to say no, but I was trying to do the decent thing. That'll teach me.

OP posts:
blackeyedsusan · 12/06/2011 19:29

you would not have been unreasonable to say no on your weekend at such short notice.

actions have consequences. he messes you around when you do him a favour, he doesn't get another favour.

also he is not being responsibe if he doesn't get the children back at a reasonable time on a school night.

tomhardyismydh · 12/06/2011 19:46

op if your instinct says no in the future go with it and just say no!!

TheFrogs · 12/06/2011 19:50

Pink, on the basis of your ex wanting to take the kids for lunch on "your weekend" because his family are over from abroad, and them being late I probably would say you are being unreasonable because it's one day. However, it does depend on other factors.

Does he often bring them back late without regard to what you may have planned?
Does he cancel/re-arrange contact when he sees fit?

I did read your back story re the clothes and agree it's infuriating. My ex is a bloody nightmare. Takes off with good clothes so I have to buy more and more for ds to not look like a scruff which I really cant afford (ex pays no maintenance whatsoever). He never brings him back on time which means I cant make any plans, have dd hungry because she was expecting tea at a certain time with her brother, burnt food just for him to come back and say he's had pizza etc.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 19:53

Frogs - love the name btw. He is ALWAYS late, regardless of what I have planned. He manipulates and controls through drop offs/pick ups of kids, which is one of the main reasons that it's now done to and from school, means he HAS to be there on time iyswim? 2 or 3 hours late is normal. As is not answering phones or texts.

And yes he organises/reorganises to suit himself.

OP posts:
Nuttychic · 12/06/2011 19:58

Im sorry but I dont see their father having them for a family outing as a favour, surely? He is their father and that is their family to?

So if you had a family function, you were getting married, etc, etc on and he said that he wanted them at such and such a time and you knew it would not be over by then and you would miss out (as would your kids), you would be ok with that?

When your children grow up, how much will they have missed because the parents want to play the "Im in control" or "I get final say" game?

You BOTH have equal rights, you are BOTH the parents and BOTH need time with your children EQUALLY. No child is going to grow up and thank their parents for playing "One up"

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 20:00

But nutty, he asked I said yes, I asked him when he would have them back, he said that was me controlling, and then he said he'd have them back for 5-6.

I wouldn't ask him for them on his weekend, I never have, because they need the time with him. I wouldn't organise to get married on one of "his" weekends, to use your example.

OP posts:
blackeyedsusan · 12/06/2011 20:07

she was doing him a faavour because he waas so disorganised to ask at the last minute WHEN SHE ALREADY HAD PLANS. she could have said no she had plans. if it was so important for him to hve the girls there he should have got organised and arranged it early.

TheFrogs · 12/06/2011 20:09

In that case pink I agree. I've been messed around by my ex for years. I actually refused his contact with ds when it was "his" weekend a couple of months ago because on the Sunday it was my booked birthday meal and I knew he wouldn't be arsed to bring ds back in time for it, had he have been reliable in the past there wouldn't have been a problem, ds could have stayed Fri and Sat night.

Nuttychic · 12/06/2011 20:11

One day is one day you will need to have them on his weekend though. Life just isnt planned years in advance and things come up. If a family member gets married, etc you may well want them for a day. It happens.

I think the only reason he eventually agreed to 5-6 was because it was what you wanted to hear. He is their father and to HAVE to have them back on the dot all the time, is just not always possible.

As long as he does it most times, being their Dad and all, thats whats important. Honestly, Im just saying - pick your battles. Be careful you dont have a war over the little ones and you have nothing left for when the big ones come round.

Your children are young - there are still going to be some situations that may well call for a war - him WANTING to be with them and included in his family, just isnt one of them.