AIBU to think my ex should have said thanks?

[fuckmepinkandcallmerosie]

This is "my" weekend with the kids. Ex's sister is visiting from abroad, there is a family sunday lunch today.

He asked last night if he could have the girls to go to the dinner - I said yes of course - they've just left.

But when he arrived to collect them he just commented on DD1 outfit (That's a bit trendy) and left.

Absolutely no thanks for this, I appreciate this, or anything.

Would it have been mannerly for him to say thanks? Or AIBU?

OP, I can't believe he keeps sending letters via solicitor. This is ridiculous, but you can at least reply and get your side of the story out there, which might make you feel better.

Keep a record of every instance that he has deviated from the schedule - every late pick-up or drop-off, every changed plan, every last-minute request like you had this weekend.

I'm not advising you to get litigious, but at least you can formulate a response - to him and/or the solicitor - that puts your side clearly.

My solicitor says he's never come across anyone like my ex.

WRT to the family dinner there would have been at least 25 or more people there so I don't think it was all organised at 9pm the night before. But I could be wrong.

Allnew - I would have no problem with DD texting to ask could he take her here there or whatever, but on this weekend it was the ex who was asking, not her so that's why I feel it was his issue IYSWIM?

OP... You're not being unreasonable but you're trying to control somebody you can't.

In your position, I'd negotiate a time with ExP, the latest time that the girls can be back so that they're ready for school the next morning and fix that time in stone so it's the only time that ExP has to remember in his dense head.

What he does with the girls, dresses them in, feeds them, talks to them about up until that time is his own business. Your girls are getting old enough to let him know what they don't like/won't do. You don't need to step in there. If you're happy that he loves them and wants to spend time with them, that should be enough for you not to worry.

Yes, it would have been nice if he'd thanked you, but he didn't - as someone else has already said, if you need to change one of your weekends, this shouldn't be a problem.

Don't involve your daughters in texting/communication issues with their Dad, please. Use his number and his number only - and only if you really need to. If he thinks that you're bothering him, he'll dig his heels in. Not worth it and you won't win; your solicitor will, but you won't.

Pick your battles and don't bother with the insignificant or unwinnable. :)

Lying - I don't involve the girls I only responded to DD because he had got her to text. I don't know how many times I have to say it. She texted me, I said get him to call me, then I texted and called him and he refused to answer. So, should I have just left it that I had no idea when they would be back?

Problem is we've set times in stone, and he just refuses point blank to stick to them - that's me being controlling wanting a time when he'll bring them back. He is more easy going and wants to be more "flexible".

The only time I'm thinking of is the time that the girls need to be back home so that they can have a bath, go to bed before school the next morning. That's the only one. It's for your DD's benefit, would ExP not see that?

He thinks you're being controlling so if you take that out of the equation and just say to him, "Look, it takes DDs half an hour to have their baths, half an hour to dry hair, half an hour to get to bed.. and they're terrible at getting up in the mornings if they don't have 'X' hours sleep, as you know. What time do you think is best to bring them back so that they can get ready?".

Take yourself out of the equation and give him the illusion (at least) that he's being a responsible parent.

Don't fix any other times for anything - if he's late picking them up, he's late, he won't speed up for you so don't mention it - your DD's will.

If you can get that one time fixed in ExP's mind then you won't have to contact him unless you really have to and he'll get it out of his head that you're trying to control him. Sounds like he's bringing old ghosts from your relationship to this new arrangement... stop him in his tracks by wrong-footing him.

Lying - no he wouldn't see that. He just wouldn't. I tried that already. I sat him down in a coffee shop and explained it repeatedly in words of one syllable. He wrote it down. And then suited himself. Which is why he now drops off/picks up at school. And has to have them overnight on his weeknight. And it stopped me waiting around. But no, he just doesn't get it. And I could explain, talk from now til Christmas and he still won't get it.

Yes they were running around today in dodgy old clothes, but I had SENT them in nice clothes, which were taken off them

I just don't get this with a 9 and 12 year old

they obviously don't mind getting changed

You have no other option than to 'let him be' then, OP. I think in your position, I'd be doing my communicating in writing (not texts though), if there's anything important to discuss.

I'm assuming that your DDs come home to you straight from school after they've been at their Dad's? So you're not having to wait for them then.

Could you arrange it so that whenever he has them, your DDs go to school directly from Dad's? That could work. I think I'd prefer that rather than having this performance of getting them home at a certain time. Let 'school' be the drop off point rather than your home.

You might as well stop explaining to him, if he's not reasonable with you, he's not reasonable. Don't play his game - stop talking to him unless you really have to communicate something about your girls. I think many women, through some misplaced notions of 'guilt' at the breakdown of the family, try to keep things with ExP 'jolly and normal', come what may, and the ExP just enjoys the show.

He sounds a really selfish and manipulative person. I'm glad that you have someone nice in your life now.

They got changed at their Gran's to go out and play. She only had old clothes. It's a farm, they wouldn't get their good clothes covered in cow shit.

Oh and yes all drop off and pick ups are at school now, to stop me having to wait in for him, for the reasons I've outlined.

This sums it up for me, OP... Your ExP loves having you dance to his tune.... so snap his pennywhistle in half.

Horrid man.

Re the spreadsheets etc- yes he is obviously trying to 'get' at you and this type of behavior is not new to you [as he was obviously emotionally abusive and controlling during your marriage]

Re the not bringing them home at the time agreed [or time you have stated], if you ring or text when this happens then you are probably giving him the reaction hes seeking, he knows this pisses you off, you are showing him this by your ringing and hes got a double whammy cos not only is he pissing you off by being late but hes pissing you off by not answering your call which i agree is annoying.

I would suggest that when this happens you dont call and dont even remark on it when he does actually return them, if he is indeed doing it for a reaction then if he doesnt get one there is no point in him doing it-also for your own sanity id suggest not reacting to it!

You are obviously well rid of him, you have a lovely DP, i read your DP proposal thread and it sounds as though you've got a nice one there, dont allow your ex to pollute your current happiness.

Given the history with his and your relationship and his current behavior i can understand if you feel the desire to not be flexible with him and to try and exert some control over things, i just think its counter productive and only adds to the stress you are justifiably feeling.

I know its easy for someone else to say 'dont react' i appreciate that its hard to do but i think its the only way forward when dealing with someone like this who i agree from what you've said is an arse of the highest order.

That saying of 'you cant change the way someone treats you, but you can change the way you respond to it' is very much applicable here.

He sounds unreasonable in so many ways and I get how frustrating it must be to deal with him - particularly where you are trying to minimise the impact of all this conflict on the girls. But the spreadsheets - surely you just say 'No, fuck off, you mad bastard?' Because what is he going to do that he isn't doing already if you don't keep a child benefit spreadsheet?

I think the only way you can deal with this man is to have absolutely rigid access rules which aren't deviated from for any reason - which sounds awful but gives little room for manipulative manoeuvring on his part. And also to make the girls more responsible for their stuff - they are well old enough now, surely, to have said 'Hang on, dad, our clothes are in the boot - we just need to get them.'

Oh I didn't fill in the spreadsheet - forwarded the email to my solicitor with "your thoughts?" and he actually phoned me to say he'd never have believed it if he hadn't seen it for himself The spreadsheet was prompted by me saying he had to get clothes for the girls at his house, and he said he wouldn't because I got the child benefit and it was to provide for the girls. In his head, this then became I wasn't spending the child benefit on the children, so he wanted proof that I wasn't. I think. I don't know, but it was warped as fuck.

I try to be as flexible as I can, but DP and I had thought of going out to lunch ourselves since ex was having the girls, and we wanted to know when to be back for. I can't see how that was unreasonable? We didn't in the end because ex is so flaky WRT times, and might have brought them back early, but that was the thought process we had.

Child benefit doesn't cover all the stuff they need! I would have filled it in to show what a shortfall there was!

Totally - I did think of that, but I just couldn't be arsed. Was too much a reminder of his interminable spreadsheets when we were together.

Is he getting confused with child maintenance?

What would happen if he did come back early with the girls and you weren't there?

I realise he's flaky, but I think you were playing into his hands entirely by deciding not to go out for lunch just in case. They were due back at 5 originally? So you should have gone. You're letting him dictate your lives.

It's very frustrating and worrying, I can see that, but surely the worst that could've happened was he turned up, you weren't there and he'd phone up to rant about why you dared to be out? Or would he leave the girls on your doorstep alone?

Buzz - he would've told them to go into the house, then phoned me and ranted and driven off and left them. DD1 has a key. He's done it before.

Well - HA HA HA HA

Self employed. Good accountant. I have two chances. No chance and some chance.

Well, that's not so bad. I'm sure the girls could manage until you got back? As long as you weren't going miles away. Do you have any good neighbours who would look out for them?

I do think by staying in you are playing into his hands - you need to assert yourself and not constantly dance to his tune.

Buzz - I do have decent neighbours, but oh you have to understand what it's like to work with someone like him. I would be a bad mother for not being in when he returned them.

Plus, and he's done this before, if he drops them off and DD has her key, he "invites" himself in to my house and sees them in and "settled". I don't think he's ever done anything, but I just don't like him in my house at all, and especially not with me here, and I'd rather not take the risk.

fuckmepink, I don't think you are being in the slightest U about yor ex.

But, a few posters have suggested that your DDs are old enough to take responsibility for their own clothes, as well as a range of other tactics and, by and large, your replies ignore their suggestions. I hope you don't think I'm being harsh. Understandably, you are upset and a rant can be really useful to let off steam but it may be time to sit down, read through the suggestions on this thread and then decide, in the cold light of day, which ones you are going to apply - and stick to them.

If you don't change how you treat this man, you're going to be miserable for years to come, and that won't help you or your DDs.

You would be described as a 'bad mother' by him, 'though - not anyone else. It's time not to give a shit about what he says. He's a wanker.

I don't blame you for not wanting him in your house at all. Perhaps you could arrange with your neighbours that the girls go there should they be returned early - and they can call or text you to say they're coming back early anyway, can't they? So you can get back. At 12, your dd can do that.

You need to think of ways around these things as you are not living your own life at the moment and it must drive you and your dp nutty.