AIBU to think my ex should have said thanks?

[fuckmepinkandcallmerosie]

This is "my" weekend with the kids. Ex's sister is visiting from abroad, there is a family sunday lunch today.

He asked last night if he could have the girls to go to the dinner - I said yes of course - they've just left.

But when he arrived to collect them he just commented on DD1 outfit (That's a bit trendy) and left.

Absolutely no thanks for this, I appreciate this, or anything.

Would it have been mannerly for him to say thanks? Or AIBU?

Child Benefit for both of them is £134.80, which is the money he has decreed should all be spent on them.

I pay for music lessons for DD1, all clothes, shoes, youth club, pocket money. His view is that child benefit pays for everything except food and the roof over their heads.

his view is wrong then - that money pays for everything, including the food and roof over their head.
It might be worth getting your solicitor's view on it.
I've been trying to google and it won't tell me what it's specifically for.
but I guess they woulnd't necessarily include house money, because that wouldn't change if they weren't living there.
food it does, though, becaus eif they didn't live there, you wouldn't be paying for that food, same with elec, water, gas and anything else that goes up due to their consumption.

I know it's wrong, you know it's wrong but does ex know its wrong???

tell him via the solicitor - he can't argue that, can he? (actually, having read about him, he probably would...)

he would argue it, but hey ho.

How much for a ham sandwich do you reckon

loaf of bread £1 - about 12 slices - that's 16p for a sandwich
nice ham £2 a pack, 8 slices/ you need two for a sandwich - 50p per sandwich
butter? (is that frivolous? ) 5p for enough for a sandwich

total = 71p

I love this

What or rather who pays for the food and the roof over their heads then ?

Just you?

Does he pay the mortgage?

I pay for my house, he pays for his.

He contributes nothing towards the children?
Not a penny?

Dear me...

i guess he doesn't - he's keeping their belongings in return for board and lodgings when they stay with him....

We worked out the costs of clubs, uniform, school meals was about £300 a month for two.

So we split it 50-50.

And we split the child benefit between us.

The costs doesn't include food, housing etc.

He owes you big time.

He does. But I don't want to make it an argument about money. I just would rather he would treat me properly which isn't going to happen.

That is interesting though. £300 less say £134pm child benefit is £166pm, divided by 2 (parents) is £83pm

And that assumes no tax credits received by the PWC wrt the children.

So I can understand why an NRP paying, for example, £300pm would feel somewhat robbed

"So I can understand why an NRP paying, for example, £300pm would feel somewhat robbed"

What??

Is the £300 not for daily necessities like food, clothes etc?

I think OP, people have been very harsh to you. They obviously have not been through this. I have, and understand. My ex used to keep clothes and toys. Even a toy that they were obsessed with at the time, he would get them to 'keep it here so it's here ready for you next week". Er, no, they can bring it next week themselves if they want it, what about the time in between when they want to play with it..I had to ring for it to be brought back mid week.He was a total dick.

I tried to work it out at the time. I came to 2 conclusions :
Control. Knowing it bothers you, he has one over on you.
Also (this one is more understandable) having all their stuff around him, home, car etc is linking him to them...like an old boyfriends tshirt that you might have wanted kept at your house kinda thing...hard to explain but its like 'if their stuff is here, I am really important in their life'.

Either way, the control thing is a sign that he recognises you are in the driving seat (resident parent), and he as the NRP has to assert his authority, like a kid shouting 'notice me!'.

What to do? I would relax on the timing for drop - off. Really relax. Make no plans on those days, just pick your weekends for plans. Tell yourself this is short term for 3 months to see if it works. Ignore what time he drops them off, do not ring or text to check times. And make damn sure you send no more clothes. Tell him they have none to be sent to him in, and he must bring them all back next time, and wait in the car while they get changed! If he forgets, he can't see them unless he goes and buys some.

What to do? I would relax on the timing for drop - off. Really relax. Make no plans on those days, just pick your weekends for plans. Tell yourself this is short term for 3 months to see if it works. Ignore what time he drops them off, do not ring or text to check times. And make damn sure you send no more clothes. Tell him they have none to be sent to him in, and he must bring them all back next time, and wait in the car while they get changed! If he forgets, he can't see them unless he goes and buys some.

That's a good idea.

So what you are saying is that for the next 3 months, when me and DP are trying to plan a wedding and have a life together, and househunt, on the few weekends that DP can get here we should be sitting here on our arses in case ex can't keep the kids, take them to parties, pick up drop of and generally be a responsible parent.

I would do what you like up until 5pm or whatever time he says he will have them back, when he is late, say nothing. Try it, just for a few months.

So what you are saying is that for the next 3 months, when me and DP are trying to plan a wedding and have a life together, and househunt, on the few weekends that DP can get here we should be sitting here on our arses in case ex can't keep the kids, take them to parties, pick up drop of and generally be a responsible parent.

Well you can give it a go....or you can keep it as it is and be miserable about it until your DCs are 18?

I think 3 months of trying what has been suggested are worth it for the chance that it may improve things, because you are clearly not getting anywhere with the way things are currently.

I'm with Sparky. I think you need to try and disengage from his games. Rise above it.

So what you are saying is that for the next 3 months, when me and DP are trying to plan a wedding and have a life together, and househunt, on the few weekends that DP can get here we should be sitting here on our arses in case ex can't keep the kids, take them to parties, pick up drop of and generally be a responsible parent.

Totally agree with you OP - crazy suggestion. I would make your plans for the weekend when you don't have the kids but assume ex will be back at 5pm if that is what you have agreed and be home then. Then don't worry if he is late (that bit was good advice); assume your kids can have beans on toast for tea so that you don't have a meal waiting and then spoiling.

And - this is the hard bit - let your kids take the consequences of their dad's behaviour - missing parties etc. You can only be the best parent you can be; you can't make up for the crappy behaviour of the other parent.

I agree with sprakly too. Rise above it. If you disengage from all his crap he has no hold over you. He will NEVER be the responsible parent you wish he was. I will quote what my friend said to me - "if you wanted your DD to have a responsible father you should have had children with someone else" - hrash but ultimately true. You HAVE to accept who he is, acceptance will give you contentment. You don't have to like it, you can think he's a cunt (he is!) but accept that and get on with your life. Don't give him the power to upset you.

I do feel really sorry for you, and totally get why he is driving you crazy. But you seem totally unable to listen to what most people are telling you, which is that you are enabling his pathetic behaviour to bother you. That he is never going to change, and so it is you who will have to change your responses, in order to free yourself from him.

e.g. about your texting your dd, you said I will say again, he got DD to text me, I texted her back, then texted him and phoned him and he refused to respond. Since I have the responsiblity to get them to school this morning I feel I have the right to know when they will be returned. The other option is to say he has them, he hasn't sent them back when he was supposed to and phone the police..

Well, in this situation you could have answered your DD 'thanks DD, I will call your dad'. Call him once, accepting that he is probably not going to answer (because he is a pathetic knob). Leave a message 'hello, ring me if you want to chat'. Don't text or call again. It is the repeated calling / texting that is unnecessary.

You say that he has NEVER brought them back on time. So just accept that. If there are no concerns about their welfare, just accept it. If you are in the house waiting for them to get home, just go about your usual business as you would if they were there. Presumably you wouldn't be going out in the evening with them anyway. Just give them a simple meal if they need one, cheese on toast or whatever.

If he has said he'll return them at 5, then go out with your DP. That's it. Don't sit in fretting in case he brings them early. And if he DOES bring them early and leave them on the doorstep, you have 2 options, a) tell your DDs to call you on your mobile if this happens, let them cope on their own until you can get back (if they are 'old' enough) or/and b) call the police. I bet he won't do it again.

You are letting his arseholeish behaviour to ruin your life. You have to learn coping strategies, maybe some CBT would be ideal to learn ways to handle your responses. You have a lovely DP, don't let your idiot ex poison your life with your new partner. He is a horrible git, you are not. You have the power in you to do this.

Am very sympathetic btw, above not meant to be ranty!