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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my ex should have said thanks?

255 replies

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 12:56

This is "my" weekend with the kids. Ex's sister is visiting from abroad, there is a family sunday lunch today.

He asked last night if he could have the girls to go to the dinner - I said yes of course - they've just left.

But when he arrived to collect them he just commented on DD1 outfit (That's a bit trendy) and left.

Absolutely no thanks for this, I appreciate this, or anything.

Would it have been mannerly for him to say thanks? Or AIBU?

OP posts:
blackeyedsusan · 12/06/2011 22:55

and yes whatever you would have done you would have been wrong... so do what is right for you. and the girls of course.

CurrySpice · 12/06/2011 22:56

I can see that OP :o

I meant the old clothes he sent them back in previously when he kept the nice ones in the boot

Which is childish and pointless I know but it miggt make you feel better! Wink

justonemorethen · 12/06/2011 22:58

Er.. actually, YOU asked him for the time they'd be back. I don't think he was that bothered about giving you a time. Agree that you should have said you be out to 7 or something. Even if he brought them back late he would have known you weren't "sitting here waiting for him to deign to return".

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 22:59

I would like to see my uber trendy 12 year old putting on her dad's jeans and a horrible 1982 jumper without complaint Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 23:00

Yes I asked for the time, but he said 5. I didn't say "yes but i need them back for 5"

If i'd said I'm out til 7 he would have said "I will be returning them at 5 and you need to be there"

OP posts:
Mrsasp · 12/06/2011 23:01

Why are you bothering arguing with everyone on here about what a git he is. It's obvious he is a git. What you need to do is stop being the civilised one who always says yes to his requests. Also stop asking him for things, like clothes back. Give demands instead. Do not EVER give him the benefit of the doubt; he is trying to annoy you/wind you up/ piss you off. Get strict with him. Stop asking why he can't be reasonable; he just can't, alright? He's a git, remember? He'll never be reasonable. Protect yourself; don't let him drive you mad. Make demands, give ultimatums, give him NO favours.

justonemorethen · 12/06/2011 23:04

Sorry confused now.weren't they running around the farm toady in dodgy old clothes?

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 23:04

I tried demands and ultimatums. I tried "I need clothes back on Monday" I tried "Girls must be back by" but it does not work.

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 23:05

Yes they were running around today in dodgy old clothes, but I had SENT them in nice clothes, which were taken off them and put in a plastic bag and they came home in old clothes Confused

OP posts:
Mrsasp · 12/06/2011 23:05

Demands and ultimatums followed by CONSEQUENCES! Get Super Nanny on his ass.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 23:06

Oh, x-posts - the posts about the clothes was for curry. About sending them back in the old clothes, that would work if they were younger, but there is no way it would work now. DD has to go to youth club/parties and she wants decent clothes and he just won't buy them and it ends up (as has happened before) that DP and me are out and ex brings her down her to collect clothes from her so she can go out (she has a key)

OP posts:
Mrsasp · 12/06/2011 23:07

For example DON'T send them to his in nice clothes. Send them in crap old ones. If he complains that they came to the family dinner in crap old clothes say it's because you never get the nice ones back, so you're not sending them in the nice ones anymore. You CAN'T carry on taking his crap.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 23:07

I know but what consequences can I impose on him? I can't, I don't have the power to impose consequences, and the only people who would suffer then is the kids and I wouldn't do that to them

OP posts:
Mrsasp · 12/06/2011 23:08

You've got to think of a clear strategy; you can't let him drive you mad like this. He is a total tosser. I don't know WHY you say yes to ANY of his requests; it's just plain crazy to be accommodating to a prick that's taking the piss..

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 23:10

I'm accommodating to try to do the right thing by my kids. Not for him, for them. If they won't be able to go to a birthday party, then I keep them and take them so they don't suffer.

Even today, I thought well she's only here for a few weeks and she's their Aunt and it's their cousins, family relationships and all that.

But yes, I should just say no.

OP posts:
Mrsasp · 12/06/2011 23:10

Think what you do for him...are there ways you make life easier for him; like for example agreeing to him having the girls today. If so, STOP doing any of it. None Zero tolerance. Get harsh. Not on the kids of curse, but on him

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 23:11

The thing with his sister is a one off. Usually I have them if they have, for example a birthday party. So, if I say no, he won't take them, who suffers? Not him, the kids do - they miss out. So how is that a consquence to him?

OP posts:
CJCregg · 12/06/2011 23:12

Rosie, I am in a very similar position. ExH made DS change this evening, out of the jeans he'd bought him, before he came home with me.

DD's swimming stuff was 'in the wash' so I couldn't have it. I picked up her goggles and was told they were 'his ones'. Then DS appeared with another pair and said 'No, Daddy, these are the ones you bought' Grin

It's a fucker. I go in and dig their good clothes out. Or send them in 'ok' ones but not the nice stuff.

Are they old enough to take responsibility for their own good clothes?

You have my sympathy.

CurrySpice · 12/06/2011 23:12

Well OP she put them on for her dad! Wink

Aren't they old enough to say "Can we have the clothes we came in back please?"

I am not criticising you - as I said, I know just how maddening this kind of thing can be

justonemorethen · 12/06/2011 23:13

OK just one more before bed. If he says I want them and you say Ok but I'm out to 7 and he says 5 then you say "no". You've been fair -if he wants them then he has to deal.
That's way different to just saying "no" or to then demand a time and then to get resentful when he doesn't stick to it. You have to reasonable too. Why ask him for a time - you are setting him up to piss you off.

gotolder · 12/06/2011 23:13

fuckmepink I would give up this thread if I were you - all the posters who have not been there/WILL not give you credit for doing your best to be reasonable with that man will never stop asking you questions to which you have already given answers or criticising you for things they have no insight into.

Mrsasp · 12/06/2011 23:16

Well then maybe if you keep them that weekend he has to have them the following. I think you need to read a book on Assertiveness; not meaning to sound rude; I absolutely had to read one when I had a dickhead boss bullying me once. Once you get the hang of saying "No" and not taking any shit it gets to be quite good fun!
He's playing you because you're a nice person; carry on being nice obviously , but NOT TO HIM.
"Even today, I thought well she's only here for a few weeks and she's their Aunt and it's their cousins, family relationships and all that." That's the kind of thinking that let's him walk all over you. He's loving winding you up. He knows you're kind and he's bloody well loving taking advantage of it.
I don't mean not let the girls do nice things, but don't agree ANYTHING for HIS benefit. Harsh, zero tolerance, read assertiveness book, enjoy saying "No", enjoy making demands of him, NEVER make requests to him. Treat him like a complete git, because, guess what? HE IS!!

blondepinhead · 12/06/2011 23:20

Ooh, he sounds like a tit, OP. One thing that pinged out at me is that you were upset that he called you 'controlling'. Sod that. If he's such a wonderful example of laid-back dad-ness, then reclaim that word! Next time he tries to suggest you're controlling, just smile and remember that being in control of a situation is part of being an adult. He's clearly a spoilt child and therefore completely chaotic.

Disclaimer - I have never, to my knowledge, ever managed to be in control of a situation. Glass house n' shit.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 23:30

MrsAsp - if I have them that day, he won't have them the next because he plays sport. All he'd do is ship them off to his mother. The problem and where he has me by the short and curlies is that if I say no it's not him I'm hurting (which would be great) but it's the girls who miss out. So I'm stuck.

If I make demands like "I will be there at x to drop off y" his answer is "I am not available at x." but it wouldn't matter if x was 10am or 11pm or any time in between.

I am off to bed, will check in in the morning, night ladies.

OP posts:
Collaborate · 12/06/2011 23:37

OP - read the first page. You have every right to demand that he speaks to you and doesn't pass messages through the children. They should not be the conduit through which you have your arguments or make arrangements. It's damaging to children. All the research demonstrates this.

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