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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my ex should have said thanks?

255 replies

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 12:56

This is "my" weekend with the kids. Ex's sister is visiting from abroad, there is a family sunday lunch today.

He asked last night if he could have the girls to go to the dinner - I said yes of course - they've just left.

But when he arrived to collect them he just commented on DD1 outfit (That's a bit trendy) and left.

Absolutely no thanks for this, I appreciate this, or anything.

Would it have been mannerly for him to say thanks? Or AIBU?

OP posts:
create · 12/06/2011 22:00

I think everyone gets that you were trying to do the decent thing, but you've hardly done it graciously have you? Kind of negates the whole "decent" thing imo

cjbartlett · 12/06/2011 22:01

Sorry I thought they were younger

oh I don't know what to say really

ring his mum and ask for all the clothes back?

Get dds to bring them all back next time they visit, send an empty suitcase

justonemorethen · 12/06/2011 22:02

Can see Hairylights point though. Perhaps rather than expecting thanks from him you should say thanks to him. Tell him you and DP are off to see a film and that the girls aren't to be back till after 7. You were good enough to give up your plans with the girls so why shouldn't you enjoy the time off rather than sit stewing about it?

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 22:02

I should have said no, I accepted that a long time back.

I don't see what's wrong with wanting to know what time they would be home at, wanting him to stick to the time he picked in the first place, and then when he wanted to change it, ring me himself rather than get DD1 to text and actually ask me if it was OK - he sees himself as higher than me and I am second class so he won't ask me he informs me if you get the difference I'm trying to put across?

And I don't see why he couldn't get out of the car and hand me the other clothes they'd been sent in.

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 22:04

The text I got to ask for them today for the dinner reads as follows "X is home from X. Arrived yesterday evening. Family dinner tomorrow at 1pm. Girls invited. I propose to collect at 12.50. Let me know if this is acceptable"

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 22:06

Also, from further up the thread

"I had agreed to a 5pm return, and when he lifted them he said "I don't know when I will be back"

I said "We agreed 5pm and I can understand you might want to be a bit later so can you just phone me before you leave so I know roughly when you'll be here"

How is that controlling?

OP posts:
Wellnerfermind · 12/06/2011 22:07

You must have known him a long time, he's always been like this and he's not going to change.

You have a few more years of dealing with him about stuff like this.

So you'll have to learn ways of dealing with it.

How? I don't know as I never say no, but then my ex is rational and reasonable.

create · 12/06/2011 22:07

Yep, that could have been done better and prob should have been done by phone, but if he's used to you reacting like this....

You're girls are home now (and out of the shower?) go and make the most of having them home/have a chat about their day/the forthcoming week

bleedingheartlefty · 12/06/2011 22:12

That tone of that text was chillingly familiar to me. I think until you have had to deal with this type of man, you just won't really get it.

You have my sympathies Rosie, you really do.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 22:13

What I said in reply to the text was "no problem. what time do you think you'll have them back? Is dinner out or at your mum's?"

how is that reacting badly?

I dunno, I just don't see why he can't give me the clothes back and be back when he says he will.

BTW I asked DD1 about the text she sent - Daddy wanted to stay and asked her to text me because his phone was in the car. So she and DD2 weren't looking to stay it was him (but I knew that anyway)

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 22:14

Bleeding - do you get it? It makes me feel like I'm being ordered or something? I can't explain it, I really can't

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 22:15

Oh and to whoever is was who pulled me up on calling it my weekend - please look at my first post I put the "my" in inverted commas to show that I don't view it as mine and his and me keeping the kids or owning them but I didn't know what else to call it

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 22:18

I asked him by text when he'd have them back he said 5pm. Note, I didn't say I need them back for 5, he picked 5. Then when he collected them, he stood at the car as they were getting in and said "BTW I might be a bit later than 5" and I asked roughly when it would be he said not later than 6 or so and i said well why don't you just phone me when you're leaving your mum's

But he says that was me being controlling. I don't see it like that I really don't. I'm obviously somewhere out of order or off the normal not to see it.

OP posts:
justonemorethen · 12/06/2011 22:19

Well you know he has some decent clothes to dress them in now. Next week don't send them with anything and make him dig out the clothes from today.Make him responsible rather than acting like his mother. I can see why he annoys you but if you give up trying to control what he does it's up to him to sort it out.

exhausted2011 · 12/06/2011 22:22

I think you need to calm down a bit Smile

It's gotta be as annoying as hell, but you are going to give yourself a stroke

You have to find a way to deal with this, because he is not going to suddenly change and do everything the way you want to. he really isn't.

And if he is as controlling as you say, he will be loving the fact that this is winding you up.

bleedingheartlefty · 12/06/2011 22:22

I so get it. I get all of it, even the clothes.

They must be a special breed of dickhead.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 22:26

Bleeding - Sad

OP posts:
JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 12/06/2011 22:28
Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 22:29

I suppose what I'm trying to put across is tone and that's hard on here. For example, if he'd said "Sorry for the late notice but x is home from x. Mum wants family lunch tomorrow. Would you mind if I got girls at 12.50?"

As I said on the other thread, if I ask him "can we organise a time for swap" he comes back with "I will be there at x o'clock" no discussion, no consideration of what's happening in my life

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 12/06/2011 22:31

OP I know just what you mean. It seems my plans have to be super-flexible and his have to be written in tablets of stone. (Although I have to say my ex is nowhere near the dickhead yours sounds.

And I sometimes default into "doing as I'm told" mode. And my mates go "Why?!? Why did you agree to that when it inconveniences you?!" I dunno, conditioning.

But I do think expecting a thank you and asking ex to phone rather than a quick text from your DD is sweating the small stuff tbh. I think next time, if it doesn't suit, say "No" and send them out in the old clothes he sent them back in...if he wants them smart he can put them in the clothes he's kept

It is frustrating but really, don't let him continue to control you. Them being back at 5 or 7 was neithere here nor there realy in terms of getting them to bed - you could have gone to the pub :o

gotolder · 12/06/2011 22:36

I get it - been there -thankfully over 30 years ago - and it still winds me up when I read a story like yoursSad.

bleedingheartlefty · 12/06/2011 22:39

Smile It's ok. Fuck 'em!

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 22:43

Thanks Bleeding and gotolder Smile

The thing that's hard to explain is that no matter what I did today, he was going to fuck about and make me the bad one. If I'd said no, I would've been the psychobitchfromhell. Since I said yes, he had to be late, and was even later than the 8pm he said he would be here at. He wanted me sitting here waiting for him to deign to return when it suited him and he wouldn't have cared if the kids couldn't get up in the morning just to score points off me.

If I'd said 8, he'd have brought them back at 10. If I'd said black, it would have been white.

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 22:50

Curry - they came to mine on Friday from school in uniform, so there aren't old clothes to send them in. I will wash and send back the clothes they came here in tonight - two wee girls dressed in 1970's boys clothes is not a look I am really fond of.

OP posts:
blackeyedsusan · 12/06/2011 22:53

Rosie, he is never going to be reasonable. you have to take that into account when you deal with him. assume that he is going to be late and not stick to plans when he asks for something. have a back up plan, chocolate, dvds, a good book.

do you think he knows it winds you up? practice pretending it doesn't.. and thank him for having the children with a breezy i've got so much done whilst you were away. that will confuse him.

people who only ever have to deal with reasonable people will just not get how they twist everything, how they demand, how you are always in the wrong whatever you do. people like gotolder and curry spice understand. they have lived it. you aren't alone in this. if only I had a pound for the... well if you hadn't done... you can't expect me to remember first time/ you are nagging... I would be rich rich rich...