AIBU to think my ex should have said thanks?

[fuckmepinkandcallmerosie]

This is "my" weekend with the kids. Ex's sister is visiting from abroad, there is a family sunday lunch today.

He asked last night if he could have the girls to go to the dinner - I said yes of course - they've just left.

But when he arrived to collect them he just commented on DD1 outfit (That's a bit trendy) and left.

Absolutely no thanks for this, I appreciate this, or anything.

Would it have been mannerly for him to say thanks? Or AIBU?

What Nutty said.

See it that way - you didn't do HIM a favour but really your DDs, as they had a nice time with their Auntie & family.

I'm sorry your evening was held to ransom but I don't see allowing your DDs to make the most of a one off chance to see their aunt as a favour to your Ex. OK, it might be what he wanted, but you say yourself the girls were having a good time and wanted to stay.

You say "we" would have had a better time if they hadn't gone, but who's "we"? Sounds like your DD are having a good time.

You made the right decision, to do the best thing for your girls, by letting them go, don't spoil it now by getting al bitter about it.

Well maybe they did. And maybe they didn't. I don't know and I can't ask them because they aren't back yet.

And she's here for three weeks. So she could see them next weekend which is his weekend.

X post with GinAndWater

I am quite sure his sister didn't only book to come yesterday, since she arrived on Friday so why didn't they organise the family dinner for next week? Am I supposed to accommodate them not next weekend but the following weekend? I feel held to ransom. This happens all the time. His sister, his mother's birthday, soandso's party. All the time. And I never say no. But I will in future.

I haven't read your backstory thread op, but on the basis of the situation outlined in this thread I think it sounds as though you are being a bit U - and slightly controlling. Sorry, that's just the impression I get.

OK they are just back and I am ready to combust and flip my lid.

The backstory is to do with me not getting clothes back and being left with the old shite stuff (partly). So, his mother's is a farm. I sent them in nice clothes nice tops and jeans and nice shoes. They have come back in old tatty clothes half way up their legs with cow shite all over them and no shoes on. Seriously no shoes.

He didn't get out of the car and drove off at a rate of knots.

Granny found old clothes of his and his brothers to put them into when they went out to play and the good clothes are in daddy's car.

Think it is a bit unfair to be this angry over it all. You didn't set clear enough boundaries and shouldn't have agreed to it without them in place. It is Ok to say yes to change of plans as long as you are clear about the change. Your ex is obviously not good at reliability, either accept he will act in an unreliable way or don't allow him to put you in situations where you will get narked by it.

I do think it is normal to want to know when your DC will be home - you need to be there to recieve them (am shocked at the post suggesting you be home late so they are waiting - why do you need a way to make DC feel more insecure ). I imagine ex is too much of a child himself to understand that most adults cooperate, compromise and agree - rather than manipulate, demand and confront (getting DC to text, calling you controlling and slamming phone down are all great examples).

I don't think you handled your end of the conversation perfectly (getting into text tennis was daft - better to ask DD to pass phone over than try to make him call you - you cannot make someone act in the way you desire) but I'd have been p'd off too. I think it would have been fairer to let him have DC until bedtime as it is a special occassion. As for ex wanting DC to spend time with family - that's great but he doesn't have to be manipulative and verbally abusive to get it - he could have used reason and should not have inolved his DC in the conversation - prick!

Just a warning but your daughters are getting to the age where they'll start having a say in when they see their Dad.

ok, you need to calmly phone your ex and tell him you need the clothes back...do not flip your lid!

There's a lot of weekends where I end up having the girls on what's supposed to be my weekend off because he doesn't do taking them to parties and things he plays sport every Saturday and the girls don't like going there and he usually texts on the Friday to say he can't take them to xyz and they want to go so I'll have to take them. I have only ever said no to this once.

So it's not that I'm rigid and not flexible.

You sound too flexible and resentful. You expect a thank you when you know you won't get it. You expect reasonable behaviour back as you give it. That's not reality. He will not meet your standard - lower your expectations or learn to say no when you feel uncomfortable.

It almost feels like we're still married and he expects me to pick up his slack.

And yes DMD I am resentful and I know that is me being UR and I should get over it

Not get over it (although that'd be nice for you) but don't do it to yourself. He won't act like the man you wish he was just casue you're not together. Don't give him the rope to hang you. Do what you know is right and keep to your own boundaries. He sounds like a nobber though

How long have you been apart?

Oh and the weekend I said no he said I was what sort of a mother was I that I was putting my new man first.

DP had booked a romantic weekend away so he could propose and he made me feel shite about it.

I think he needed to call and tell you that they were staying longer, not got your child to do it, Also I can see where you are coming from with it being a school day tomorrow.
My children happily go between me and their dad no fixed times but I do get fed up if I have a meal cooked and they are late.

Given the backstory, yanbu.

Been apart just over 3 years. And it has been like this for 3 years. And I am getting heart sick sore and fed up to the back teeth with trying to keep it civil.

Well I can promise you it won't last forever.

Maybe not much consolation now but your children so grow-up and then they can sort themselves out.

He can't make you feel shite unless you let him, sounds as if you still need to detach from him. He obviously still knows how to push your buttons. If you were confident in yourself you would not feel lousy when he chats rubbish. Stop attempting to make the relationship what it is not - accept he is unreliable and selfish - accept he will act accordingly and do not allow him room to annoy you. Protect yourself first and foremost - fuck his opinion of you.

But how can you send your kids back not in the clothes they came in and with NO SHOES ON and not think that's wrong (I can guarantee he'll turn it to be my fault)

They have wellies at their gran's and took them off to get into his car so they walked in from his car in their socks.

DMD - he knows him being late/unreliable is a button push for me, you are dead on. But he's always been like this. Always. I don't know what to do to stop it, because he isn't going to change, but I won't have my life held to ransom by him. Or maybe I have to suck it up.