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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my ex should have said thanks?

255 replies

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 12:56

This is "my" weekend with the kids. Ex's sister is visiting from abroad, there is a family sunday lunch today.

He asked last night if he could have the girls to go to the dinner - I said yes of course - they've just left.

But when he arrived to collect them he just commented on DD1 outfit (That's a bit trendy) and left.

Absolutely no thanks for this, I appreciate this, or anything.

Would it have been mannerly for him to say thanks? Or AIBU?

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 12/06/2011 21:15

You can't change it and your DC need a relationship with him. Just agree to what you will be OK with and know once he has them it will be random. Do not agree to things then try to get him to behave normally - like tonight, you knew he wouldn' phone you and agree a time really, didn't you!? But probably hoped for once he would be an adult - hope is a killer. Be realistic. Youir life is not held to ransom - don;t give him that power. Stick to agreements - his weekend he has them, he cannot have them during your time (unless you REALLY are OK with it). Be the adult at all times and stop pinning hopes on him changing or acting like a person. It was life changing for me [amile]

DoMeDon · 12/06/2011 21:16

Smile not amile Blush

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/06/2011 21:16

I love that he calls you controlling when he is pulling out all the stops to control you. "It almost feels like we're still married and he expects me to pick up his slack." That is exactly what he intends, for you still to dance attendance on him, for he is the centre of The Universe, no? Not really forgiven you for getting rid of him, huh?

All I can suggest is what has already been said - be less accommodating. Less flexible. Plans made, stick to them.

Your daughters are 12 and nearly 10. Could you sit down with them and explain that you are struggling to plan nice things with them for their weekend with you because of their dad chopping and changing? Not in an 'criticising their dad' way, but encouraging them to encourage their dad to give them a eads-up on what his plans are with them?

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 21:18

You are spot on again. I keep hoping he will behave like an adult Sad

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Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 21:19

X posts yes, he firmly believes he is the centre of the universeGrin

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create · 12/06/2011 21:22

You obviously need their good clothes back, but you were putting pressure on him to get them back quickly so they didn't wait to change. Would you have preferred it if the good clothes had been messed up on the farm?

I don't think it'll do them much harm to walk from the car to the house without shoes in June (even if it is cold and wet)

Was there any way he could have dropped them back without you being cross about something, after the state you've worked yourself up into?

Your last post sums up what you need to do. You can't change how he behaves, but it's your choice how you react to it. Getting yourself worked up only upsets you (and poss your DDs)

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 21:26

I haver said anything to him about the clothes.

I asked him should they have old clothes on and he said no he wanted them to have good clothes on. If you read the other thread I linked to, him keeping clothes is an ongoing issue. He won't return clothes I've bought. He keeps them. And consistently sends them to me in old clothes that are too small so much so that we have moved to pick up drop off at school. Also stops the me stuck in waiting for him to bring them back average lateness is an hour and a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 21:29

They went to the farm in good clothes. Went out to play so granny got old clothes of ex and his brother for them to wear. Ex is 43 his brother is 40. The clothes are interesting.

The other clothes are in a bag in ex's car so he could have given them back. He didnt get out of the car. I saw him arrive, the girls walked in, I opened the door and he was already driving off so I ha no chance to ask him for the clothes

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justonemorethen · 12/06/2011 21:32

Not sure you should worry about the clothes thing so much. It was his car that travelled with two girls still in clothes with cow muck on...he is obviously not bothered by such things. I can't see the harm in going from a car to indoors without shoes on. It surely wasn't worth the effort putting on their good shoes on "legs still covered in cow shite". As long as the nice clothes come back there isn't a problem is there (haven't read the background).
Good on you for letting them go. It is annoying if you are a person that likes to plan stuff .It's easy to call you controlling but in reality, it's a fine line between that and organised. Just moan on here and be happy that you let them have a nice day.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 21:33

The back story is I would doubt I'll get the good clothes back. I never do.

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hairylights · 12/06/2011 21:38

Sorry op but you sound unreasonable, controlling and you are talking about your children as if they are posessions. They are his children too. I'm not saying that he shouldn't negotiate time of return etc and give you at least some idea, but this is a family occasion and you've started out by making it a huge deal that it's on "your" weekend.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 21:41

It's a family occasion that he sprung on me with no notice worth a damn and me and dp had plans for today with the girls that were stuffed because of it. Yes it's my weekend, we have an alternate weekend arrangement what else do I call it?

Hairylights what have I done that is controlling? I wanted to know when my kids would be back what's ur about that?

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Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 21:43

Oh and for the record the kids don't like his sister and her kids they hardly know them and according to the 12 year old it was "meh" and they were sent outside to play with the younger ones in the rain.

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cjbartlett · 12/06/2011 21:46

Tell the girls to come back with the girls they're wearing? Or get them to wear old clothes to his
feel so sorry for them
and they came back and you were on here within five minutes? Didn't they need a wash or something?!

cjbartlett · 12/06/2011 21:47

Sorry mean clothes they were wearing

Kiwiinkits · 12/06/2011 21:51

You asked if YWBU. I think you are. And FWIW you also sound a bit controlling to me, sorry.
I think you need to try to pick your battles and not take everything as an attack on you.

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 21:53

They came back in old clothes that their grandmother found for them the new clothes are in his car, I sent the pair of them straight up to the bathroom to strip and shower. They are 12 and almost 10 they do not need supervised - the 12 year old would die of embarrassment if I saw her without clothes on. Should I seriously be bathing a 12 and 10?

I have already said, I asked him yesterday, since they were going to his mum's should I dress them in old clothes. He said and I quote from his text "It is a family dinner. Please ensure they are appropriately dressed" which I took to mean old clothes were not acceptable.

If he wanted them to wear old clothes he has tons of clothes at his which I bought in the first place and he kept

OP posts:
justonemorethen · 12/06/2011 21:53

Just read the background link. just occurs to me though that he sees her weekly. Does he not have responsibility to have some clothes for them at his house? To be honest I find clothes a nightmare. Every sleepover I do I end up at the school gate returning pants and T Shirts that turn up once the child has gone home. Today I have a full set of clothes from a cousin that I swear I had packed,checked and double checked - forgot about the ones that were drying on radiator just before sister in law arrived. Some people are just a bit rubbish and if he doesn't feel the need to stress about them (ie pay or make decisions about them) then I don't suppose it would annoy him as much as it does you. Make him buy more/take the girls clothes shopping?

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 21:54

He won't buy them clothes. It is not his responsibility to buy clothes/pay for school trips/ buy shoes - that's what I get child benefit for.

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Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 21:55

And as I said, that's why I asked to move to pick up/drop off at school times, so that they would come and go in school uniform because the clothes situation was so difficult. As was me sitting in waiting for him if he was due to have them back at 7 and didn't come back til after 9 (which was normal for the Sunday evenings)

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cjbartlett · 12/06/2011 21:56

At their age can't they take a bit more responsibilty for bringing the right clothes home?
Oh I don't know
at 10 and 12 the 12 year old might have been out all afternoon with her friends so what did it matter she was with family ?

somedayillbesaturdaynite · 12/06/2011 21:56

Am sure a 9 and 12 yo don't need their mum's help to wash

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 21:58

CJ - the clothes I sent them in are in the boot of his car in a plastic bag. Does he have no responsibility to open the boot and give them back to me then?

It mattered because me and DP had made plans which I changed because I was trying to do the decent thing

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blackeyedsusan · 12/06/2011 21:58

it is basiic organisation to leave time for the journey and to make sure that children are cleaned up and in sensible clothes when they go anywhere. he is being a twit.

pinkrosie. log it again. every time he doesn't turn up or is late or fails to return stuff. and the times he gets extra to suit him. it will be there if he kicks off and says you are not allowing him access.

I don't expect he will return the favour either and swap stuff for your convenience because he is not reasonable. don't expect him to be.

it will get better as the girls grow older. (and i am pretty sure that 10 and 12 is old enough to be getting shower wwithout mum standing over you... )

Original poster
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/06/2011 22:00

As to the showering, DD1 ran DD2 a bath, DD2 got in the bath, DD1 got in the shower.

I cannot believe anyone would think I need to supervise that.

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