to not be hospitable to parents who stayed during a child's party?

[in3minds]

dd's 6th bday party today - for one reason or another 4 of the parents stayed (without prior warning). I don't know any of them at all, and when they asked if they could stay I said 'sure - as long as you don't mind being ignored by me' then offered them a drink and left them to chat with each other/their dcs as I hadn't expected anyone to stay. They were right in my kitchen while I was whizzing around preparing the food, dealing with the various crises (someone wet themselves and needed to change and borrow clothes etc etc). I didn't really offer them party food or anything, but as one was leaving they grabbed a few buns and said 'I'm starving'! So now I wonder - should I have offered them food? Tried to be more 'hospitable'? They could see I was crazily busy, and I offered them nothing beyond the initial cup of tea as I just had to focus on the party...

Rollergirl1 - when they unexpectedly asked if they could stay I said something like - you're welcome to stay but I hope you don't mind if I practically ignore you as it is really busy here or words to that effect. Then I didn't totally and utterly ignore them of course - but just had v quick chats as I ran past and longer chats when I could.
Most waved me on as they could see how busy it was. Anyone who left their child I reassured that I had their number, and if the child was a bit shy offered them a sweet in front of the parents and asked how they were or said dd would be pleased to see them or something reassuring like that.

ragged - yes, I know what you mean - I'd almost like to do it again and be more prepared and get to know the parents - although that would have meant fewer kids as it did all feel like too much of a squeeze with the extra grown ups. Next time! I just thought - if every single parent stayed that would have been 15 unexpected adults! Now that would have been unreasonable!

As someone who sometimes stays at children's parties, i would have found your manner a bit unwelcoming OP but presumably it was because you were in a rush. But I would also have offered to help whcih those parents didn't do. It was inconsiderate of them just to stand there while you were rushed off your feet.
BUT BUT BUT ... if you were so busy couldn't you have given them a job to do? Like, put paper plates in a black bin liner or do some washing up? Personally I woudl have just mucked in without being asked.
Parents sometimes have to stay and sometimes they can't let you know in advance. If they don't have a car and there's nowhere else in the area to spend 2 hours then it's easier just to stay. Or maybe they can't afford the extra petrol to go off somewhere for 2 hours?
Also sometimes children suddenly get nervous and want you to stay and it's better for the parent to stay with that child than for the party host to have a scared, whiny child on their hands for 2 hours.
I think you always have to cater for more people in case some parents unexpectedly decide to stay, for the above reasons. And "cater" could mean just a cup of tea and a bisuit. thogh i would have made them proper party food, but then i am a more the merrier tiype!

I think you did fine - parties are stressful - you're multi-tasking all over the place with unpredictable people (children and parents!). I would excuse your slight abruptness.

(Personally i would have prepared the food and party bags before the party to make myself more available for everything else. And next time you will no doubt factor in that you may have some unwelcome uninvited guests and plan a couple of simple jobs for them to help with and prepare a plate of sandwiches . )

Hi sausagerollmodel - I didn't really have things for them to do for a number of reasons - small kitchen, them not knowing kids who needed help etc - and I do hope they knew I was in a rush rather than snubbing them
Thanks for your perspective on why people stay - I just hadn't experienced anyone staying since DD's 3rd birthday so it was entirely unexpected. I would like to be more the merrier, and usually would, but our house really was very small even for the fifteen 6 year olds!

YANBU at all. You didn't know them and they invited themselves. They didn't offer to help and were quite happy to do fuck all while they saw you crazy busy. They then had the audacity to take food and say I'm starving in front of you!

They aren't children. Surely they can wait to go home to eat.

what a miserable uptight lot various folk seem to be.Get a couple of bottles of wine ,when kids have finished party food,the parents get to polish off the rest! No need to entertain parents,just be polite and friendly and stop looking for reasons to be offended.Can i just ask out of interest to the people who find it rude, are you the same lot who are always complaining about your mother in laws,coming round and wanting to help and staying too long ?

heavens, I'm quite shocked by OP.

surely you always have to be prepared for a few to stay randomly because some children are still wibbly about being left in strange houses at that age/if they've come a long way it might be easier.

I love parents who stay and stand around and natter, they never mind being ignored and usually help.

Ds1 has just been to a party, with me staying there with him. Predictably with a children's party, it was very busy, very noisy and the other children were understandably very excited. Ds1 was getting more and more anxious and upset, leading to him not being able to settle and cope. Me being there to step in on occasion led to him just about holding things together.
I did help to hand out drinks when asked, but my main reason for being there was to ensure Ds1 could cope and help him when he wasn't understanding what was going on.

There are no rules about this.
I went to a party with DD at the weekend, the parents sent out a lovely and informative invite, saying parents were able to leave their kids if they wanted (party for 4 & 5 yr olds). But I thought they had been incredibly thoughtful and hospitable and had provided a separate area with sandwiches and snacks for any parents that had stayed. I wasn't expecting it, but it was nice and made a change from me nicking food from DD's plate

All the kids parties I have been to there has been hospitality for the parents who choose to stay. I have also not been to a kids party where I wasn't offered a proper drink!! Not that anyone gets drunk or anything but when the parties are so short like 2 hours it's seems only sensible to have something available for people who may need to stay.

MrsSchaden I don't blame you, I certainly would not.

MrsSchaden I don't blame you, I certainly would not.

Thats why we had a party away from home, gosh the politics of it all, its mind boggling. I would stay with dd until she is about 6/7 depending as she has mild SN. I always make lots of food so that would never be a problem if people stay, but as children get older its the norm to drop and go.

SybilBeddows - sorry if you are 'shocked'!! AS I have said before this did not happen at my dd's 4th or 5th birthday so no reason to think it would at her 6th - not sure how I could have anticipated anyone staying going on past experience and as the invitation was to the specific child and parents were told our house was small so we needed to be sure of numbers!
stayfrosty - Not sure about north/south really. And to include parents in our small house would have definitely meant less kids. Is that what you are all suggesting? To only invite 5 or 6 children in case each of them brings a parent? Or to specifically ask at age 6/7 if a parent will be staying? Only one parent actually stayed with their child by the way - so they weren't helping even with their own child - they just sat in the kitchen while their kids were in another room!

I would just check with the parents if they want to stay. If you know them well you could even say that if they don't mind you'd prefer that they didn't due to space.

stay frosty - yes, it certainly felt a bit masochistic - especially when I had to keep squeezing past the unexpected parents while simultaneously feeling guilty for not being more hospitable to them! I have years more parties with my other dcs to come so I guess I've learned a bit of a lesson.
verity - good for you and well done to your daughter, I remember it being a real rite of passage when I first left my dd to a party without me (she was pretty nochalant though!)

it's all changed, i remember a thread about the same thing where all the mothers would stay, and all the mothers would lay on some amazing buffet for parents

it's the hardening effect of a Tory government

i already hate kids parties and this makes me hate them even more! 6 is an awkwards age too. think YABU and inhospitable

porcamiseria - thanks, I already know I was not hospitable - as the thread title says!

update!
So I chatted yesterday to a few of the parents who stayed and said I was sorry not to have had more time for them and they all semi-apologised for staying and said they could see how hectic it was, and no problem....