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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be hospitable to parents who stayed during a child's party?

201 replies

in3minds · 11/06/2011 22:23

dd's 6th bday party today - for one reason or another 4 of the parents stayed (without prior warning). I don't know any of them at all, and when they asked if they could stay I said 'sure - as long as you don't mind being ignored by me' then offered them a drink and left them to chat with each other/their dcs as I hadn't expected anyone to stay. They were right in my kitchen while I was whizzing around preparing the food, dealing with the various crises (someone wet themselves and needed to change and borrow clothes etc etc). I didn't really offer them party food or anything, but as one was leaving they grabbed a few buns and said 'I'm starving'! So now I wonder - should I have offered them food? Tried to be more 'hospitable'? They could see I was crazily busy, and I offered them nothing beyond the initial cup of tea as I just had to focus on the party...

OP posts:
hellymelly · 12/06/2011 00:44

I always stay with mine at parties,(they are six and just-turned four) and most parents stay when I have dds parties here.I cater for everyone and assume there will be a mix of adults and children-I didn't realise it was usual for parents to just drop off their children !? Maybe as they get older that gets more common?

Pandemoniaa · 12/06/2011 00:55

It never occurred to me to stay with my dcs at parties once they'd reached school age - unless there was a specific invitation for the parents too, of course. In which case hospitality was extended to all.Nobody else I knew had that expectation either since we assumed that children who were now at school and managing whole days apart from their parents could cope with 2 hours at a party. In fact, even the clingier children were better if they were left since the presence of a parent tended to make them cling, ever more limpet-like.

It's difficult to see what else the OP could have done although I'd have offered biscuits. However I still think I'd have tried to make use of the parents that stayed because there must have been something they could usefully do - even if it was only putting the kettle on again.

MadamDeathstare · 12/06/2011 01:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iwanttoseethezoo · 12/06/2011 07:21

I always do a cake or biscuits for parents who want to stay, but if the children are 6 I wouldn't expect them to. I'm doing a party for my DD (4) and most of the mums will stay, but we're not having lots of kids. I'm getting a cake and making some sandwiches for the adults (and lots of tea & coffee).

I think if you decide to stay when your child is that age, you take what you get, really.

exoticfruits · 12/06/2011 07:38

If you had asked them then you should have provided- but you didn't ask them- so a drink at the start and ignoring was fine.
I wouldn't expect any parents to stay when they are 6yrs-I think I would have done my utmost to get them to leave ,and if they insisted on staying given them a job.

Georgimama · 12/06/2011 07:49

God, children's parties and their etiquette. I remember no parent ever stayed at a children's party when I was little so I assumed that no one did. Thanks to MN I know that whether or not parents are expected to hang around or not is a minefield (I have seen plenty of threads full of people huffing about mothers who "dump" their child at a party). DS was invited to a 4th birthday party a while ago, the first party he had been to where I didn't know the family. I rang first to clarify whether the hosts's mother would prefer parents to drop and go or stay. She said I was very welcome to stay so I did (DS only knew the birthday boy). I would never put someone on the spot by saying "is it ok if I stay?" when standing right in front of them, on the day.

exoticfruits · 12/06/2011 07:54

If they insisted on staying I would make them work!

Georgimama · 12/06/2011 07:55

And just count yourself lucky the child of the OP on another thread in active convos didn't come to the party - she seems to want to conduct a full risk assessment and see CRB certificates before she will leave her child at the party!

Mishy1234 · 12/06/2011 07:59

They should have got stuck in and helped! They might have been waiting for you to give them jobs to do, but tbh they should really have asked you what they could help with.

YANBU. You weren't expecting anyone to stay and if that was their plan they should have warned you in advance.

exoticfruits · 12/06/2011 08:00

That made me laugh Geogimama-what is the poor woman going to do when she gets to sleepovers and teenage parties when she is worried about a 5yr old being left for 2 hours!

Fernier · 12/06/2011 08:01

i dont normally stay with my 6 year old, however sometimes if the party is quite far from out house (or anywhere to hang around) I have stayed. I dont have a car so its either stay or wander aimlessly around the streets for a few hours.I dont think i would have been offended by the way you acted but niether would i see it as the blossoming of a beautiful friendship :)

allhailtheaubergine · 12/06/2011 08:02

I assume I'm going to be too busy to 'host' the parents who stay so always set up an adults table of tea and biscuits before the party starts. I think at 6 yrs old you have to assume some will stay and plan for that accordingly, so in that respect YAB a bit U and not very thoughtful.

And although it would have been nice if they had helped out a bit more, I don't think they were terribly rude. And I think you are reading an AWFUL lot into someone grabbing a couple of buns and remarking they are starving. It's just what you say, innit? Instead of "I'm a greedy oinker and can't walk past these buns without wanting to scarf a couple or three". It's not a critism or any comment on your hosting, it's just someone having a bun coz they're peckish.

exoticfruits · 12/06/2011 08:03

At 6 yrs I wouldn't assume that anyone was staying.

meditrina · 12/06/2011 08:07

I think what you did is OK. (Impossible to tell from the typed word what the tone of your various utterances were, nor how the other parents expressed their intention to stay).

I also think you were definitely right to give your attention to the 6yr olds, not the adults.

I think it was wrong for the adults to be angling for food or grabbing it - can't they manage without for a couple of hours?

sparkle12mar08 · 12/06/2011 08:12

At 6, 7 and 9 (ages that have been specifically mentioned on this thread), and medical/special needs issues asides, children that cannot cope without their parent for 2 hours at a party of their school friends should not be accepting the invitation, unless the parent has discussed it with the host parent and all people are happy with the solution. It's ridiculous, they go to school every day for six hours, they can manage a two hour party!

Otoh OP you were very rude to those parents who did stay, it wouldn't have killed you to be a bit more polite on the outside, though I too would have been seething on the inside!

Ragwort · 12/06/2011 08:18

Totally agree with Sparkle - cannot understand children at that age not being left on their own (special/medical neeeds excepted) - perhaps it is the opposite of the wedding invitation situation - we need to print 'sorry, parents excluded' on the invitation Grin. How do all these 'shy' children cope at school all day?

I was the opposite - received shocked looks when I left my 3 year old at a party - he was fine Grin.

I don't think the OP was rude at all, but in hindsight should have delegated some of the jobs to the parents.

exoticfruits · 12/06/2011 08:19

She wasn't rude-she was running a party! It is hard work and you don't have time to be sociable to people you were not expecting. She gave them a drink and left them to chat-hopefully out of her way.
If a 6 yr old has special issues they should have asked in advance and not sprung it on her, or if they had no where to go they could have said in advance 'could I stay and help'. It was very rude to stay the way they did and I think OP was perfectly polite-I don't expect she had food for 4 extra.

MrsCampbellBlack · 12/06/2011 08:19

I do think you were a little rude but then round here its accepted that some parents stay and wine/tea/food are provided for them too.

exoticfruits · 12/06/2011 08:23

Once they started school I never had the sort of party where parent's stayed. Parties are hard work and extra bodies are in the way!
Probably best to put DCs only on the invite. Or give a drop off and pick up time so there is no misunderstanding.

chocoholic · 12/06/2011 08:35

I don't think you should have been more hospitable.

My DS has HFA so I'm always one of the the annoying mums who hang around (mainly because I don't think the mum running the party would be thrilled at having to give him the attention he might need).

I'm always hugely grateful if I get offered a cup of tea.

MmeBlueberry · 12/06/2011 08:42

My youngest is nine and all the parties she goes to accommodates parents' too, with adult nibble and wine. Not everyone stays, but often both mum and dad come.

SharonGless · 12/06/2011 08:42

OP - well you had a variety of responses here as always on AIBU. I think it does depend on the area in which you live and what seems to be common practice. DS is in reception and all children have been invited to everyone's parties this school year. Obviously due to numbers this means that there are 30 children so all have been held in halls/soft play etc. Most parents have stayed at the parties but as the school year as gone on and children are more confident at being left we can leave them on their own. Tea and biccies are usually provided but not always and it wouldn't bother me if they weren't.

I don't think you were particularly rude - I am sure if they have held parties in their own homes they would understand. Quick "Sorry didn't get to chat to you yesterday - parties are chaos aren't they!" today will be fine.

exoticfruits · 12/06/2011 08:45

I'm very thankful that I don't live where you live MmeBluberry. I did small parties of the DCs choice, so unlikely to know the parents. Mums and Dads at 9yrs old Hmm what do they do with siblings?

betterwhenthesunshines · 12/06/2011 09:16

What you did was fine IMO. Age 3-5 I woud expect most parents to stay (at my 3yr olds the noise from all the parents chatting babies crying made the whole thing almost impossible -it was like a giant adult drinks party!). But by age 6 & 7 I would expect only a few, but by that stage I don't do any extra adult orientated food. Most people know the deal and happily just hoover up any carrot sticks & mini sausages that are left if they are peckish!

Please don't let this put you off having parties at home - it can be much easier for you than carting everything off to a venue and often more welcoming and less intimidating than a big hall for those children who are nervous. Just next year don't be surprised if a couple of parents stay, but offering a drink or cup of tea is fine, I wouldn't expect anything more.

MmeBlueberry · 12/06/2011 09:57

That's why you don't know the parents, exotic!

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