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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not be hospitable to parents who stayed during a child's party?

201 replies

in3minds · 11/06/2011 22:23

dd's 6th bday party today - for one reason or another 4 of the parents stayed (without prior warning). I don't know any of them at all, and when they asked if they could stay I said 'sure - as long as you don't mind being ignored by me' then offered them a drink and left them to chat with each other/their dcs as I hadn't expected anyone to stay. They were right in my kitchen while I was whizzing around preparing the food, dealing with the various crises (someone wet themselves and needed to change and borrow clothes etc etc). I didn't really offer them party food or anything, but as one was leaving they grabbed a few buns and said 'I'm starving'! So now I wonder - should I have offered them food? Tried to be more 'hospitable'? They could see I was crazily busy, and I offered them nothing beyond the initial cup of tea as I just had to focus on the party...

OP posts:

Wilfimina · 11/06/2011 23:27

I have only ever left my 5 year old son either in nursery or school or once with a good friend as I was in labour. I am always bemused at people who just drop the kid off at the door at parties without knowing ANYTHING about the people they are leaving them with other than "they have a kid at school with mine". To me someone i dont know actually is a random stranger.

Yellowstone · 11/06/2011 23:27

I don't remember mothers staying when I was little. In fact they didn't, definitely not. It's a new thing, more for the mothers than the DC I think. Unless of course DC have become weedier or parties more scary or hosts more sinister and threatening.

Parties used to be for the DC. They've become as much for the parents now, which can be an absolute pain, unless that's the way the host parent wants to go.

LineRunner · 11/06/2011 23:28

I think when you have to "liaise with the magician" over a 5 year old's birthday party, you know you're fucked.

And if you're part of the ruling classes, we're all going to hell with you.

piprabbit · 11/06/2011 23:29

My house just about has room for ten children playing party games, plus my DS, myself, my DH and one or two GPs lending a hand.

I don't have room for up to ten extra adults, plus possible siblings. If the extra people did turn up, then I would have to stop all the party games as there simply wouldn't be room. So then I'd have a house full of children and no planned activities.

I wouldn't mind one or two parents staying if they had to. But they would be there on sufferance.

wudu · 11/06/2011 23:30

Oh yes Yellowstone - it's a well-documented fact that children are much weedier now than they were in the days of yore. I read that in the Daily Mail.

Original poster

in3minds · 11/06/2011 23:34

wudu - no I wasn't grumpy, as I said I think I was friendly when it was possible, but just had to make a split-second decision who to focus on and the asthmatic 5 year old and wet 6 year old and squabbling others were definitely higher priority than the grown ups...
Wilfimina - well different people have a different perception of risk. I know most of the parents enough to say hi and would never dream that my dd would be in danger. I feel sorry for you if you are so nervous.
yellowstone - yes, no parents used stay when I was little. I presumed none do at aged 6. Up to school it can be a bit for the parents too but I really thought at age 6 it is all about the kids - completely and utterly - unless stated otherwise

OP posts:

LineRunner · 11/06/2011 23:36

OP it depends on whether your families know each other surely?

Original poster

in3minds · 11/06/2011 23:40

linerunner - some of the other parents might have known each other, I do not know any of them - other than a cursory hi at school to 2 of them - but that is about it - and I had never ever met 3 of the 5 who stayed. If I had known them I would have asked them to help whether they offered or not...I think I was in a bit of a panic mode really due to the mini-crises...

LineRunner 'liaise with the magician' - i.e. ask when he'd be finished, check he was ok (some of the kids were being a little cheeky/scared) etc - how is that in any way weird?

OP posts:

Yellowstone · 11/06/2011 23:46

wudu I'm not a Daily Mail fan. My point was why do parents stay these days uless DC are weedier, which they presumably aren't. Because the parents want to hang around I assume, not because their DC need them to. Probably does the shyer ones good to be left for a while, provided the host parent knows they might be a bit more needy and reacts to the fact.

MadamDeathstare · 11/06/2011 23:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thegruffalosma · 11/06/2011 23:49

DD is only 3 at the mo so I would stay with her unless it was a very close friend/family. But even at 5/6 I don't think I would be comfortable leaving her with someone I didn't know. As it's in AIBU I do think you sounded a bit rude to the parents who stayed tbh - sorry.

thegruffalosma · 11/06/2011 23:51

Kids parties are a weird one tbh. I doubt most people would be comfortable leaving their kids with someone they'd said hello to at the school gate for a couple of hours in any other circumstances.

Wilfimina · 11/06/2011 23:53

LOL. I love that you assume I am a nervous parent. Im not and I have an amazingly independent kid. Saying hi to someone doesnt tell you anything about them. I wouldnt buy a car from someone I only knew to say hi to so I definitely wouldnt leave my child with them. If that makes me nervous I apologise.

Yellowstone · 11/06/2011 23:54

Madam D our swimming parties were different. Essential to make sure that there were the right numbers of adults: children, in fact the pool rules dictated that in addition to common sense. in3minds was a child's party at home, different rules of safety and etiquette apply.

MadamDeathstare · 11/06/2011 23:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

in3minds · 11/06/2011 23:59

madamdeathstare - thank you. I have gone from sort of musing on whether the parents had expected me to do more for them to feeling very embarrassed that I hadn't done more - although I'm not sure what I could have other than maybe expect or ask if anyone was going to stay - I had absolutely no idea parents stay at this age whatsoever!

thegruffalosma - ok, I thought it was different than that with my dd and at her school - it never crossed my mind that it was any other way than the parents just leave their kids.

Wilfimina - as I said, it must be about perception of risk i.e. nervousness. I don't perceive any major risk in my dd being in the home of other children in her class in school, whereas you do with your child. I don't think I'm unusual as 10 of the children today were left off, and a further 2 parents only stayed as they didn't want the trouble of going home and coming back again. So 3 out of 15 parents stayed due to thinking their child might want them to, and 1 as her child has sn and needed extra support. So.....you might be doing what you feel is right for you, but in my dd's school it would be unusual at 6.

OP posts:

Yellowstone · 12/06/2011 00:01

Am I alone here or is it outrageous that parents think any real harm is likely to come from leaving a 6yr old child at a party at a schoolfriend's home where a parent has kindly and possibly foolishly offered to host a party at which they are providing their own food and a magician?

Perhaps no-one else here is the parent of teenage sons and daughters who swan off to Ibiza after A levels or go to the Far East in university vacs. Perhaps bite the bullet now to prepare for what lies ahead!

Original poster

in3minds · 12/06/2011 00:02

wilfimina - and maybe you might feel different when your child is 6 and has gone to countless birthday parties and has expressed no interest in whether you stay or not as my dd has!

OP posts:

halcyondays · 12/06/2011 00:07

Personally I would happy to leave my child if they had no particular issues, even if I didn't know the parents, I think generally people are glad of the chance to drop them off unless they are very shy, have SN or some other reason. Or maybe because of transport issues they need to stay. But I would be happy for parents to stay for whatever reason. Although I can understand about space issues, I've never done parties at home for that very reason.

Original poster

in3minds · 12/06/2011 00:08

yellowstone - it never crossed my mind a parent would think their child was 'at risk' in a schoolfriend's home so while not outrageous I pity them as they must be very paranoid!
Having read through all the replies and having been called rude by more than one poster - it is a shame but it has put me off having parties at home again if it has to involve chatting to parents as well as supervising kids. At 6 or 7 even nicely behaved kids can get a bit over-excited and mini-crises do happen. If I am expected to worry about whether their parents are having a nice time as well as deal with 15 kids then for me that is just too much hassle.

OP posts:

Dancergirl · 12/06/2011 00:08

Yellowstone - I completely agree. I just don't get the 'I have to know them WELL to leave my child'. I mean, what could happen in a couple of hours? If you leave a phone no for emergencies I don't see the problem.

And yes years ago parents never stayed at parties! I wonder why things have changed. Is it all part of our general paranoia these days...?

halcyondays · 12/06/2011 00:16

I don't think anyone expects you to worry about whether the parents are having a nice time, just to be pleasant and not make them feel uncomfortable for staying. Some parents stay in case their children do have a mini crisis. I would be complaining more that parents hadn't made sure they'd left an inhaler with their child, than that parents want to take responsibility for their children by staying if they know they may need a bit of support, if they have SN for example.

Original poster

in3minds · 12/06/2011 00:23

halcyondays - well I really hope they didn't feel awkward but I didn't feel up to 'managing' whether they did or not too much - when I had to break off mid-chat I did say 'sorry' and most of them seemed sort of understanding. And to one I did say 'sorry I haven't even offered you another cup of tea' and she said 'no, I can see how much you have to deal with, please don't worry about me' or something like that..
responsibility for their dcs is of course up to them, though now I think of it, it definitely would have been helpful to have known in advance.
I didn't even know one dad had stayed until he emerged from the room the magician was in!
Ok they're going to think I'm an inhospitable chaos merchant cow and not let their kids ever come to my house again!

OP posts:

Original poster

in3minds · 12/06/2011 00:26

anyone still here - I'm off for a big and sleep before facing them all at sports day tomorrow - I'll probably have to apologise for being inhospitable to those who stayed now.......so if any of you think you might need to stay at a party please please do warn the host in advance!

OP posts:

halcyondays · 12/06/2011 00:37

You did offer them a drink when they arrived, nobody would expect you to make endless cups of tea or to sit chatting or ages when you were dealing with a party. It was only the bit about ignoring them, but you were just surprised that so many parents stayed, you didn't mean to sound rude. You weren't inhospitable, you gave them a drink, which is fine. You weren't expecting them to stay,so hadn't planned on catering or them.

Hiding in the room where the magician was is a bit of a strange thing for a parent to do.

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